Disclaimer: I do not own the 100, or any of its characters. Also, the image of Lexa I hope to put in your mind is the one of her created by tumblr user 'HAILHEDALEKSA' and the image you can find on my tumblr page as my background. (ForLoversOnly-Always) Feel free to follow and ask!
Trigedasleng is in this story. Its used as a language invented by Lexa and Anya when they were kids, and will show up occasionally. Translations will be at the bottom of the chapter.
This will bounce perspective of characters, and occasionally Lexa's dreams. I'll try and give you guys who is doing what clearly, and if you are confused, ask, I'll explain.
More chapter notes at the end.
It was a hot-humid-sunny-sunday-summer afternoon in Virginia, and Lexa Woods was standing outside a local cathedral propped against her Harley Davidson Softail with her arms across her chest. It was her prized possession. She bought it as a graduation and commissioning gift to herself. It was the number one thing in her life that was faithful, with all the tender loving care (TLC) she's put into it, unlike other things in her life.
Sweat gleamed off her body, the weather could care less that she was dressed in a simple white tank-top, dark grey skinny jeans, championship barrel racing belt buckle and shining black combat boots. Aviator's affixed to block out the sun, she stared at the doors, waiting on the inevitable, cursing herself and telling her boots she was no coward. She was at least going to give Clarke this letter herself, and tell her in no short of words that she was leaving.
She knew how this was going to go, and it was not going to be sugar, spice and everything nice... Sighing, she watched the door open. Abby went and got Clarke for her... at least one person in this world was on Lexa's side.
"Lexa, what's wrong?" Clarke asked as she walked towards her.
"I came to give you this..." she hands her the manila envelope. "Read it later. Please."
"Lexa... what are you doing..." Clarke looked at her worried. Lexa had done a good job hiding her planning for the past few months. Lexa pulls up her aviators, exposing her wide green eyes and pulling the brown hair out of her face, and aims a look at Clarke.
"Clarke... I'm leaving. Today. I have a flight to catch." Lexa said, deciding that sugar coating it wouldn't help. She looked at Clarke, hoping she wouldn't have to explain any further than that.
"You're leaving?" Clarke asked incredulously. "You are joking Lexa... The week before my wedding?" Clarke thinks for a moment, becoming solem... Looking up at her, Clarke noticed the sadness in Lexa's eyes.
"Wait... leaving..."
"You're leaving..." Realization dawns on Clarke's face.
"Lexa... you can't leave..." She looks with pleading eyes.
Lexa glances up from the laces on her boots. "Sha, Clarke. I am."
"How long..." Clarke started... "This is why you told me you didn't want to be in the wedding party..." she looked angry now.
Lexa looked away... absent-mindedly rubbing the tattoo that graced her forearm...
"Why?" Clarke is trying to hold back a sob, it hurts. "You promised you wouldn't leave..."
"I made that promise when I was seventeen Clarke." Lexa looks into her eyes, sad it came to this, hurt that she made this call. "We've been over this bridge, too many times to count in the past four years. I'm 26 years old... You've moved on... so I need too."
"That doesn't mean it hurts any less..." Clarke mutters.
"Hurts any less? Clarke..." Lexa gets flustered, turns, and mounts her motorcycle. "Look... You know why I am doing this. I'm not sitting back at watching you marry Finn Collins, douchebag debonair." She kicks back the kickstand. "Clarke, that letter explains everything." Motioning to the packet resting in Clarke's hands, biting back what emotion she can, she pulls down her aviators, looks up into the sun, and sighs.
"Clarke..." Looks at Clarke, making eye contact. "ai hod yu in. Always have, always will." and with a rumbling roar, she starts her bike, and pulls away. Trying not to look back at the assuredly crying lover she left behind. Biting her cheek, trying to bite her own tears at bay, she heads to her parents home for one final time to lock her prized possession away for a while.
Abby watches the interaction from nearby. She knows how much Lexa loves Clarke. It's why she is doing this. As Lexa rides off into the evening sun, she approaches her daughter and lays a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Why mom..." Clarke chokes out... "I don't understand."
"Because she loves you." Abby responds, simply.
"She left because she loves me, that makes zero sense." Clarke became angry. "No, she is selfish. She doesn't want me happy."
"Clarke, you need to read her letter before you make any assumptions." Abby reasoned. "You know as well as I do, Lexa does not just do anything like this without good reason."
"I don't know anymore, mom." Clarke said. "I feel like I don't know her anymore. She's been so distant lately... and now... now she leaves, for good for all I know."
"Clarke... Go home, turn off your phone, and read her letter. It will make more sense then." Abby reasoned. "I'll handle the rest of this." She motioned back to the church.
"Thanks mom." Clarke said, and headed for her car.
"Lexa, are you sure about this?" Anya says to me, hoping to convince me to stay, change my mind.
"Positive, Anya. She chose Finn." Lexa said, securing the bike cover on her possession.
"You had Gus." Anya shot back.
"I left Gus. When she came back I left him! Anya... Ugh. Nevermind. It's not worth it. I've had this argument with myself for the past two years okay. " Lexa shot back, coming out of the shed, fury spiking... She stopped herself and took a breath. "I'm leaving because she asked me for my choice, and I made it. I left Gus to be with her, and she choose Finn. Alright?" She closes the shed door, locking it with a padlock and hands Anya the key.
"Look... I love her. I have loved her since the day we met in high school and I haven't stopped loving her okay. Sure I've made some choices over the years, and attempted to move on when she wasn't calling for months and years at a time. But now... now I've made the choice to stay for her, and only her. If that means I surrender myself to a self imposed exile then so be it. She will know where to find me if and when she wants to be with me, and only then... only then will we be together. I'm not playing heartstrings anymore, mine or hers." Lexa rants, Anya needed to hear it. She's kept those secrets long enough from her friend.
Anya can only nod, this is something Lexa must do. Find her heart, reclaim it for her own, and move on, then, and only then, can both her and Clarke be happy together. She walks up to her friend, and pulls her into an embrace.
"Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim, ai friend." Lexa says, grasping her forearm, a shake kept only between friends.
"May we meet again, and hopefully sooner rather than later." Anya replies.
"Take care of her for me, okay?" Lexa motions to the shed. "I'll be back for her."
"You got it, now get out of here." Anya shoves me to the waiting taxi. "Call occasionally will ya!"
"Yea, yea, yea." Lexa waves backhandedly. "See you later, Anya!" climbing into the car. "Let's go."
Clarke pulled her car into the parking garage and parked at the very top, looking out into the city, it was her favorite place to think. She looked over at the yellow envelope sitting on her passenger seat.
Ominously weighing on her soul.
Lexa's leaving, why does it matter?
If she was truly leaving, would she give her this?
Curiosity kills the cat. She picked up the envelope. It felt weighed, something was inside, shifting.
She opened it, and a key fell out. Looked like a mailbox key. Clarke fiddled with it for a moment, then pulled out the few pages inside the envelope. She instantly recognized the smooth scrawl that danced across the pages. Lexa had written this... Go figure, Clarke scoffs to herself. "Typical Lexa..." Her eyes scan the page quickly, taking in the elusive scrawl of her former lover and friend.
Clarke,
Hopefully, you're reading this alone, and no where near Finn. His jealousy will get this destroyed, and my message, lost in the depths of my heart.
I want you to be happy, Clarke, and if he is the one who makes you happy, then who am I to stop you?
The reasons, well... I know you are hurt, so am I. I know that it was painful to watch me walk away. It hurt to not look back. I know you are crying, just like I am. My love for you is real as the day I kissed you in the hidden alcove back in high school. As real as my nerves are whenever you are near. As painful as walking away rather than watching you marry someone else.
The biggest reason of all? I love you. I cannot, no... I will not watch you be with someone else. I am doing this for you. I love you and loving you from a million miles away so you can happily love someone else is enough for me.
I am sorry that I hurt you, I am sorry that I must leave. That I'm breaking my promise after 8 years of trying to keep it. I know now that I only love you and I cannot bring myself to love someone else.
So, I'm going into what I am affectionately referring to a self-imposed exile. I've planned most of it out by the time you will be reading this letter. I'll start in London, and work my way around the world from there. I have no plans of length, except to stay out of winter so I can keep moving along and not be bogged down by snow or get caught in a bad situation. I intend to keep you up to date on the situation.
The key that I have included in this pack is the matching pair to the one I have. It is for a P.O. box I've reserved for the next little bit. Mom will maintain the payments, and it will remain open for the time I am gone. I will not have a phone with me. I'm cutting out technology for a while, except for my camera, laptop and GoPro. I've decided that I will at least send you pictures, maybe even video's of what I'm doing, where I am going, and what may be next in store for my travels. Please don't watch, read or keep these near Finn. There is a Safety deposit box that I've opened for you at the Federal Reserve bank in Richmond. You, and ONLY you have access to it. Please put any correspondence, videos or anything else I send you in there. If anything happens to you, I will be the only one allowed to access it after that. So your... our... secrets will be safe.
As for the question that is bugging you, and the answer's I've eluded. Will you ever be able to find me if you change your mind? Yes. You will. You may have to wait until I've eluded my next destination, but you can always find me. All you have to do is follow your heart. However, I ask that so long as you remain with Finn. You do not attempt to find me. I will not be with you so long as you remain with him.
Check the P.O Box every so often, maybe once a month. I am not sure when I will write, or if I can send stuff. I'm going to be doing most of this on a whim. There is only one way to contact me, and that is through Anya. She knows the only way, and that's only if it is an absolutely true emergency that I need to return home for.
Finally, I must say goodbye. If it's forever, then so be it... Your choice is your's to make, and this is mine.
I know you're angry, Clarke, and I'm sorry I am the cause of it. I love you, and this is what I must do. For you. You must choose your own happiness.
Forever & Always,
Lexa
Clarke could not contain her crying after the signature. Lexa was doing this so Clarke wouldn't have to make the choice between her and Finn... It made so much sense now.
Was Finn really the one for her? Did she honestly make the right choice?
It felt like a stab to the gut from a dull blade.
"Lexa..." Clarke spoke aloud. She flipped to the last page. It was a picture... Lexa sat on her Harley, tattooed sleeve basked in sunlight, staring with shadowed eyes into the depth of the camera. The tattoo that graced the underside of her forearm exposed. Clarke knew it was for her. An ambigram of the two words Lexa whispered in her ear for the longest time "Forever" and when flipped "Always".
"What did you do to me?"
The question was spoken aloud to the empty sky above her, like a silent prayer.
"Final call for passengers boarding United Airways flight 122 to London, Heathrow Airport." The announcement stirs Lexa from her thoughts. She stood, staring at the plane, Do I really want to leave? Too late now, I guess. She grabs her bag from the floor, takes a final glance around. Sighing... Guess it's too much to hope she'd try and stop me.
She walks onto the plane, searching for her seat. She choose the location when she booked, so she knew it was a window seat with decent legroom. I notice the young teenager and the mother next to the space that would be mine. Should be an easy ride then, Lexa thought to herself.
The Flight attendant began her pre-flight safety brief and Lexa couldn't help to ignore her. She took a deep breath as she settled herself in for a long flight. Resting her head against the back of the seat, eyes closed, she sent up a silent prayer. Clarke, I hope you understand...
It was only a matter of time till she could put her headphones in, in an attempt to drown out the sound of her own heartbeating, and the sound of her thoughts that overtook her mind. Clarke kept waltzing in and it was everything Lexa could do to stop the images of Clarke, crying, reading her letter, feeling heartbroken and hurt. Feeling alone, wishing Lexa hadn't left.
Lexa steeled herself as the plane began to take off, she wasn't good with crowds, much less compact steel tubes that flew through the air packed with people. You'd think I'd be over this after the years I spent in the back of a C-130. Lexa thinks to herself as she settles her nerves.
Finally the plane levels out and the seatbelt sign is turned off. Lexa unbuckles herself and relaxes a bit. No turning back now, she thinks. I made my choice, she's made hers. Choosing a scheming dirtbag who has done nothing but hurt her and control her and... Lexa growls internally and takes a deep breath. No point in getting worked up over it now. What's done is done. She digs her Ipod out of her bag and turns it on, drowning out the ambient noise of the plane. Closing her eyes, she sets her head against the seat, and controls her breathing, figuring she might as well get what sleep she can on the late night flight to London.
*Lexa is dreaming, flashback to the past. Told from her POV*
I'm sitting in my old high school, leaning against the stairs, back to the window, watching carefully the people in my surroundings. My best friend, Anya, sits next to me. We don't say much, we'd rather watch. Our final semester, only a few more months, she'll be headed off to basic, and I'll be headed off to VMI. I'm reading, half-heartedly the book in my hands. I hear a sound, and its one I don't like. I look up, and share a glance with Anya.
Not 15 feet from us, a special needs kid in a wheelchair, is being bothered by a young, dumb kid who thinks he owns the school. I stand, ready to give this punk a piece of my mind. She's telling him to stop, and he won't. He's jerking around her wheelchair, and refuses to listen. So i walk over, Anya is only a few steps behind. I place my hand on her chair, stilling it. It needs little force. "She said stop."
"We are playing around, back off." He responds.
"Didn't sound like she was having fun." Anya chimes in. She's got her arms crossed standing just over his shoulder. I'm staring at him, daring him to try anything else. He eyeballs me, and tries again. "Stay out of our business, you don't know us."
"Last I checked, she said stop." I challenge him, taking just the slightest shift forward, to show him i mean business. He looks from me, to the two other girls sitting on the stairs, then back at me, then back again. I assume one of them is a girlfriend. It takes only a moment, but being surrounded with out back up, he relinquished, and left.
It was in the next few moments, everything changed. I became a hero in her eyes.
My dreams drove forward a few months, to a time when it was pure bliss.
It was May. I was only a month away from graduation. She had invaded my mind. I didn't understand it... Love? I thought so... Infatuation? Certainly... It was way more than that. She made me afraid. I was afraid to loose her. I hadn't kissed her, I was too naive for that, too scared at the feelings it would uncover. Until the day she goaded me, I never backed down from a challenge. We had been trading notes for a while, silent professes of caring, afraid of showing our love in public. I picked her up every morning before school, and she rode next to me on the bench seat of my old pick-up truck, singing songs, laughing and holding hands. Today was no different.
Today, she had written a note, and drawn a picture. and just above it... "Why won't you kiss me?" written. I was turning red, feeling flush, and she was watching me, she knew it was a challenge, and that's why she did it. I held my composure as best I could. She was staring, those deep blue eyes, trying to see what I would do. I folded the note back up, and stuck it in my pocket. Anya and another friend were laughing and chatting not a care in the world. I grab her hand, and lead her down the hallway to a corner where no one was, no kids, no camera's, and stood there, shaking in my own nerves. Pushed her gently up against the wall, and kissed her senseless. "How's that, Clarke?" I grin, she's speechless. "Happy now?"
"Yes, very." She smiles back. We walk back to our friends, smiling, and holding hands.
"About bloody time you kissed her, Lexa. You looked like you were about to burst." Anya, smiled.
"Shof op, Anya." I spoke to her in our code, a language we created as kids.
She laughed, and shrugged. I laughed too, and pulled Clarke in close. Afraid to let her go even now. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, and I couldn't help but smile.
Lexa woke with a start. She rubbed her eyes in an attempt to remove the fresh images from her mind. It had been a long time since their lives of the past came to her so fresh. It had felt real, so real. Glancing around, Lexa confirmed that that certainly wasn't the case and she was still on the airplane.
It was a good thing she woke when she did, because it was apparent that they were closing in on London. She glanced out the window and watched the sun snake up over the horizon. Lexa sighed. She had made it to London. Now, she would start her next big adventure, moving on and attempting to let her heart build back the walls she had in place the before Clarke came back the last time. This time, she was in control.
She swallowed back a tear, and she decided then as she walked out into the fray of London's airport, that she wouldn't go chasing waterfalls this time.
This time, she'd chase the stars.
Trigedasleng Translations:
ai hod yu in - I love you
Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim, ai friend - May we meet again, My friend.
There is an arguement in this chapter i feel the need to explain. Lexa said to Clarke she made a promise when she was 17, and then said she is 26. Yes, its been almost ten years, and there will be a 'dream' of the promise. It'll show up in the coming chapters. Till then, be patient. I promise :)
Also, please Review! I want to know what you think, and review's help me think and get motivated to write more!