I had way too much fun writing this. Poor Avengers.
-Disclaimer: This wouldn't be a fanfic if I owned the Avengers. This would not be a fanfic.
This would NOT be a fanfic.-
Natasha, Fury, and Tony led a handcuffed Loki down S.H.E.I.L.D.'s hallway. The rest of the Avengers following behind at a distance, keeping the threat of violent agents from attacking the god. Not like we need the extra protection, Clint thought to himself. He could tell Steve, Thor, and Bruce alongside him felt the same. None of the agents dared glance at the Frost Giant, as they were all under the impression that he would somehow injure them in his weak state. Curiously though, Loki didn't want to do anything like that at that precise moment. Instead, his attention was focused on his nose. He really had to sneeze. He brought up his hands, his handcuffs clanging together in the orchestra of footsteps- the hallway was otherwise silent- and tried to itch his nose. Natasha smacked his hand away, giving him a quick glare that clearly said 'don't-move-or-I'll-kill-you'. Well, that was an issue. He had to sneeze so badly. The mortal wouldn't even let him try to cover his muzzled nose, which he considered blasphemy. Hold it in, Loki, he urged himself. The efforts proved to be in vain; the sensation was overwhelming. He stopped walking. Tony bumped into him. The force of it sent the suppressed sneeze right out of his nose, making the muzzle fly off his face and noisily clatter to the ground.
"ACHOOOOOO!"
It was the most horrible sound imaginable. Blinding light sprayed, earning surprised cries from the people accompanying him. The Avengers hardly had time to react, other than Clint, who's hand immediately shot to his bow.
The light that formulated from Loki's nose engulfed Natasha, Fury, and Tony. Each of them shivered with their eyes squeezed tightly shut; it was brighter than the sun but somehow colder than the arctic. As soon as it had started, it vanished, leaving the ones who partook in the lightshow looking at each other in bewilderment. Bruce, Steve, and Clint scratched their heads off behind them, wondering why they looked so sick.
"What the hell is going on here?" Loki asked. He looked down, fighting the handcuffs. "You've got to be kidding me," he groaned.
Everyone looked at the no-longer-muzzled god in shock.
Everything was silent for a few moments, as no more agents were passing by the glossy black hallway, when Thor finally stepped forward from the group trailing behind. "Brother," he patted Loki's back, earning a look similar to a deer caught in a headlight. Or perhaps a reindeer, as Tony would say. "I believe you've learned what the Midgardians call 'slang'!"
Loki somehow managed to roll his eyes while still looking to be in a state of panic, like Fury and Tony.
Natasha, however, served to be the only one involved with the sneeze that didn't turn an ashy shade of white. While the unaffected ones gathered around the nearly hyperventilating group, she took this as a golden opportunity to silently back off. She glared shiftily back and forth, seemingly no one taking notice of her, before bolting off, taking care to not make too much noise.
Unfortunately for her, the oldest of the group was gifted with otherworldly hearing, thanks to the serum. It took a few seconds for the rest to notice, but Steve was already on her heels.
"Hey!" he yelled after her. "Where are you going?"
It was only a matter of a few seconds before Steve grabbed the assassin by the shoulders roughly. She struggled against his grip and gave him a seething look that made him flinch slightly "What's going on with everyone? What happened?"
"Let go of me, mortal," Natasha spat. He flinched again.
"Um... Okay." Steve dropped his hands from her shoulders as everyone caught up to the disgruntled woman.
"How does one run with these?" She muttered, looking down at her chest.
"Can someone explain what's going on with everyone? You all look like you've seen a ghost," Steve addressed his teammates.
"No worries, Steve, I didn't see a ghost. I saw a total HUNK," Loki purred, eyeing Tony hungrily, who returned a wary glance. Everyone was slightly- actually, not so slightly- taken aback. And extremely confused.
"Shut the hell up," Tony growled.
Natasha attempted to dart away again, but the gaze of Steve Rogers in his full Captain America uniform, shield and all, made her involuntarily stop dead in her tracks. "Leave my sight, Midgardian," she instead barked.
Bruce exchanged glances with Clint. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose.
Clint crossed his arms, surveying the group like a strict teacher would to his students. "I really don't want to make Bruce get angry-" the scientist rolled his eyes at the remark- "so can someone please tell us what happened?"
There was a brief silence before Natasha spoke through clenched teeth. "If I am not mistaken, my sneeze was large enough to switch our minds to different bodies. I believe I am the Midgardian you call the Black Widow."
Clint looked at Natasha. Or his enemy in his… sort-of-lover's body. "Fuck."
"No fair, I want boobs," Loki gasped.
"Don't you even think about it," Fury spat to Loki, who immediately lowered his still handcuffed hands from Natasha's chest. He pouted, his lip quivering in a fake show of extreme sadness. It was a hilarious sight to see the god's ungodly act, and would have been laughed at under different circumstances.
"So," Bruce started slowly, "Loki's groping Natasha… I think that means Tony's mind is in Loki's body. And we already know Loki is Natasha."
"And Natasha is stuck being Fury," Clint said, giving the director- or the Black Widow- an apologetic look. The (wo)man fished some keys out of the leather trench coat, unhandcuffed Loki and nodded to Clint's assumption, lips pressed tightly together.
"That leaves Fury's mind being in Tony?" he/she inquired.
"Sadly," Tony groaned.
"Cheer up, handsome," Loki strolled over and patted Tony on the back. "I mean, you've got two eyes now."
"Brother…" Thor interjected finally, having said nothing at the news before. He still looked extremely shocked at the new development. "How do you change it back?"
"I cannot do anything without my mind in its body. I have no magic. We need to wait about thirty Midgardian days for our minds to return to their rightful bodies. Until then, we cannot be separated for more than a few days, or else our minds will not have enough time to find their ways back and we will be forever in this form," Natasha explained.
Steve's eyes widened in horror. Clint groaned. Bruce looked extremely angry.
"Brother, there has to be another way."
"I cannot think of another one."
"Oh fucking hell," Tony groaned.
"I'm never going to get laid looking like this," Loki complained.
"But I'm stuck as a guy," Fury groaned.
"This form will suffice," Natasha sighed. "Until then…"
Natasha's sentence trailed off when everyone eyed her warily. "What is it?" she snapped.
"So do we lock me up?" Fury asked.
"Remember, you guys have to stick with each other or else you might not be able to go back to your bodies," Bruce spoke up. Everyone stared at him. He had been so quiet that they had forgotten he was there.
Clint rubbed his temple in slow circular motions, a sign of confusion that Natasha, the one in the form of Fury, recognized. "Should I call you Natasha or Fury?"
"Just call me Fury, for the sake of keeping everyone sane."
"I still don't see why we call each other by our first names except for Fury. I mean, can't we all just call him Nick?" Loki absently asked everyone.
"I'm your boss," Tony replied. "Or," he looked down at his clothing and back up. "I think I still am."
"Mr. Fury then?"
"You're pushing it, Tony," Tony growled.
"No, you're supposed to call me Loki."
"I do not act like that buffoon." Natasha said icily.
"Brother, you must not act so hostile towards my friends." Thor put his arm on Natasha's shoulder. She shrugged it off. A look of hurt flashed across Thor's features.
"Brother? I think you have a little sister now, big guy," Loki snickered.
"I am used to the form of a girl, it does not affect Thor and-" Natasha was once again cut off, but unlike the last time. Instead of trailing off, her face paled as a mischievous grin spread across Loki's face, one that shockingly informed the Fury in Tony's body how alike the demigod and the billionaire were.
Even Bruce's lips twitched at the 'TMI' moment.
Natasha bit her lip. I should not have said that.