The first time she kisses a girl, Amy is seventeen.

Her name is Karma and she's a friend of a friend and not entirely sure she likes girls, or even that she likes Amy. They meet at a party, one of the many Amy's GBF Shane hosts. Amy's spent far too much time at Shane's parties and met far too many girls.

Shane has a bit of an obsession with trying to find Ms. Right for her. Amy suspects it's so he can avoid his so far failing search to find Mr. Right for himself, but she also knows she'll never find, let alone kiss anyone on her own, so she lets him have his fun.

By Amy's count, Karma is the fourteenth or fifteenth girl Shane has introduced her to and she can tell by the expression on his face, the way he says her name (stressing and stretching out the 'Kar' and with a tone he usually reserves for talking about the less evolved - read: straight - people he meets), and the dismissive way he drops her in Amy's lap (almost literally) and then saunters off back to his other guests that she isn't his favorite of those fourteen or fifteen.

That, Amy knows would be Jasmine (number three) but she was too out, too proud, too sure of herself and her sexuality (a word Amy still has a hard time even thinking, let alone saying) and while Amy was certainly attracted and very interested, the timing wasn't right.

And by timing, Amy totally means her timing which, she'd readily admit, has been off something fierce since she even, hesitatingly, admitted to Shane that she might, kinda, maybe, sorta might (again) be into girls.

Amy had not understood at the time (though she certainly does now) that Shane doesn't come with a 'might' switch. He's all or nothing, in or out (with him, it's always out) and these parties, almost two a month since Amy kinda-sorta-maybe came out to him are his way of dragging her from the "dark closet you've been hiding your lady loving light in" whether she's ready or not.

Sometimes Amy thinks she's ready. Take Carla (number five) for example. She was gorgeous with long brown hair and sea-blue eyes and a tattoo along her rib cage (Amy's eyes had nearly bugged out of her head) and a habit of reaching across the table and letting her fingers slowly dance across the top of Amy's hand.

For Carla, Amy could have been ready.

Unfortunately, so was Carla's boyfriend, watching them from across the room, the whole thing nothing but a show to get his engine running.

And that little incident (and the fact that Amy still thinks about things like that as 'engines running') reminded her that, really, she's about as far a cry from being ready as one can be.

Not that her readiness (or his complete misreading of the 'gaydar' when it came to Carla) has slowed Shane down even a bit. He did skip the parties for a couple weeks after that, but then was right back at it, with a vengeance.

Amy suspects though - and Karma may be the first real sign of it - that Shane's interest in her love life, or lack thereof, may be waning. It probably has less to do with her, she thinks, than it does with that hot MMA fighter (she's possibly gay, not blind) he met last week at the gym and she's fine with that.

Shane is always more fun when he's with someone. Which has nothing to do with his attention being on someone else.

Nope. Nothing at all.

So Amy sits on the couch next to Karma, studiously following Shane's whispered advice and not asking her about her name ("she goes into this whole thing about her hippie parents and her dippy brother and some shit about smoothies and, God, just don't go there") and they just keep looking at each other (smiling, of course) and then out at the house full of sweaty, half drunk teens, and then back at each other and Amy, even Amy, knows this is no way to meet someone, let alone possibly kiss them.

(Shane wants her to get laid. Shane wants hot lady loving. Shane wants scissoring.)

(Amy wants - needs - a kiss. It's the only way, she thinks, she'll know.)

"You want to get out of here?" Karma asks. "I think there's like a swing or something in the backyard?"

Amy nods, gratefully, and they stand together, their arms swinging down by their side and their hands brush and Amy remembers the way her skin felt when Carla had touched her, all alive and electric and goose bumpy.

This isn't like that.

This is the immediate urge to take Karma's hand in hers and lace their fingers together and never let go.

And maybe, Amy thinks, she doesn't need a kiss to know.

The first time she kisses a girl (the first time she kisses Karma), Amy is seventeen and sitting on the swing in the Harvey's backyard.

There's fewer people out there, almost everyone staying inside because it's November and even in Texas it can get a little chilly in the evening, and that makes both of them immediately more comfortable.

Comfortable Amy equals slightly more talkative Amy (emphasis on the slightly) and that's good and bad. Good because, Amy figures, there's never going to be a kiss (or forever hand holding for that matter) without talking.

Bad because, well, it's Amy doing the talking.

"I like your name," she says, the words barely out of her mouth before she remembers what Shane said, "I mean, it's pretty and different, but I'm sure people ask you about it all the time, and I'm not. I mean, I am if you want to tell me, but if you don't, cause people ask you so much, I totally…"

Never going to be a kiss without talking.

Amy's pretty sure that seals the deal on her ever getting that kiss. Or the hand holding. Or the anything, really.

"Thank you," Karma says. She keeps staring at the ground in front of the swing, scuffing her shoes against it, giving them the tiniest of pushes. "People do ask," she says. "A lot." She doesn't say it like it bothers her or she's upset and she actually smiles a little. "I got so tired of it I started telling everyone who asked these long, drawn out stories about my brother and my family and their ridiculous 'naming rituals'."

"So you don't have a brother?" Amy asks. Usually, at this point, she'd have already reached the 'feigning interest' stage (Shane chooses well physically - see: Carla - but horribly in terms of personality - see: also Carla), but with Karma, Amy's still genuinely curious.

It's early though. She's sure it will fade.

"No,' Karma says. "I do. His name's Zen." She pauses, waiting for the reaction (there's always a reaction) but all Amy gives her is silence, waiting for her to continue and Karma, honestly, has no idea what to do with that. "My parents are a bit… hippieish," she says. "But really, they just put a bunch of crazy ass names in a hat and plucked one out for each of us. I had as good a chance of being named Zelda or Beth as I did Karma."

Amy scrunches her nose and looks at Karma, then shakes her head. "Definitely not a Zelda," she says, though, in all honesty, how many really are, right? "And Beth's pretty, but... it's too plain. Too common."

Karma smiles (and Amy's pretty sure she blushes too but it's dark out and she has read hair and Amy can't be sure) and nudges Amy with her elbow. "You've known me five minutes," she says. "Trust me, I'm as plain as they come."

'Not possible' bubbles up in Amy's throat but she doesn't say it (she's never sure when's too soon or too late to say these kinds of things and she really doesn't want to scare Karma off - see: Iris, #10 - so saying nothing seems the smarter play) and instead she just smiles at her.

Yeah. Cause not speaking and just smiling in the dark doesn't seem creepy. Not in the least.

"You known Shane long?" Karma asks, totally noticing the sigh of relief Amy lets out when someone else picks up the small talk conversational ball.

Amy nods. "Most of my life," she says. "We met in a summer camp program when we were like seven. He liked my dress. He told me that the cut was good but the coloring was all wrong for my skin tone. Looking back," she says, "that should have been my first clue."

Karma smiles, and it's all teeth and joy and even in the dark it lights up her face and that, Amy quickly decides, is an expression she'd like to see a lot more of.

"We met in a theater program," Karma says. "My family only moved here last Spring. I didn't have many friends so I joined a local theater troupe."

"You're an actress?" Amy asks, mentally high fiving herself for actually contributing to the conversation.

"No," Karma says, "not really. I sing and they were doing a musical, so…" She shrugs. "Now, mostly, I help with building and painting the sets but it's fun and I made a few friends and now Shane invites me to his parties, even though I don't think he really likes me too much."

"Oh?"

Twice. She extended the conversation twice.

Kiss or no kiss, Amy's going to chalk this one up as a win.

Karma scuffs her shoe again, pushing them a little harder. "The first day we met, he thought I was a lesbian," Karma says. "And when I told him I wasn't…"

Amy can literally feel her stomach drop down to her shoes and the color drain from her face and she thanks God it's dark out and Karma can't see.

"Shane," Karma says, "has a real hard time with the idea that someone might be bi."

Wait. What?

"He tried telling me that bisexuality is a myth and it's either just gay girls afraid to commit or oversexed nymphos trying to turn on their boyfriends," Karma says. "And I'm neither of those, so I don't exactly fit into his tiny little bi box and what Shane can't pigeonhole…"

"He doesn't like," Amy says softly. She opens her mouth to speak again, but then closes it, then opens it…

She looks like a fish drowning in the air.

"Yes," Karma says, answering the question Amy hasn't actually asked. "I'm bi. Or, at least, I think I am. I wouldn't really know for sure, I've never been with anyone."

Amy finds her voice (even if it cracks slightly) and says "But you think.. I mean... you're attracted… I mean… you might…"

Chalking this up as a win might have been a bit premature.

"Yeah," Karma says. She pulls her legs up onto the swing and turns to face Amy. "I think so. I've always thought girls were attractive," she says. "And lately...not lately… like the last couple of years. I just...I really, really want to kiss a girl." She pauses, realizing how that probably sounds. "Not like any girl," she says. "I mean, it's not like I could kiss any guy, either, though there was this one friend of Shane's… Liam something or other"

Karma sees the look on Amy's face (a cross between disappointment, disgust, and something she thinks is confusion) and trails off and shakes her head.

Sometimes, Karma knows, she can just be so…. Karma.

"I'm probably sounding so bad right now," she says.

Amy shakes her head and pulls her own legs up onto the swing, her foot brushing against the bare skin of Karma's leg as she does. "No," she says. "I get it. I really get it," she smiles at Karma in the dark. "Shane's been having these parties just to try and find me a girl to kiss and…"

Now it's Amy's turn to trail off, realizing she just basically described Shane as her pimp and Karma as her next possible John.

Or Jane. Or whatever.

"That's not what I meant," Amy says. "Or not how I meant it, I mean he's just been trying to play matchmaker because he knows how shy I am and he's sure I'll be like eighty and never been kissed which, really, when I think about it? It's kinda insulting and I probably should -"

She's silenced - in the best possible way ever - by Karma's lips on hers.

It's softer than Amy expected and also somewhat warmer, especially given the chill in the air, and it's gentle, at first, like Karma's afraid she's going to break but then Amy's hands find Karma's hips and tug the other girl closer. Karma ends up practically on Amy's lap, her hands cupping Amy's cheek and when she slides her tongue along the blonde's lips, Amy parts them, allowing Karma to slip that tongue into her mouth.

And… wow.

Yup. There's better words. More emphatic words. Hotter, sexier, more 'I'm so kissing more girls but not in a slutty I'm going to just kiss every girl I come across but maybe…' words.

But right now? Wow about covers it.

It all happens so fast and Amy barely even has time to process before there's a crash and she's sliding and slipping and the next thing she knows she's on top of Karma, in the grass,the kiss broken and the chain holding one end of the swing snapped and dangling.

They've been tipped to the ground and Amy is incredibly self conscious of the way her body is pressing against Karma's. The redhead reaches up and brushes Amy's hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.

"Woah," she says.

Amy nods. "I know."

"That was…" Karma's eyes search Amy's, and Amy can see the fear there, the confusion, the reluctance to say it because neither of them wants to go first.

"That was," Amy says. "It was…" She closes her eyes, afraid to see Karma's reaction if she's wrong. "Nothing?"

"Oh, thank God," Karma says beneath her. "I was afraid it was just me." She laughs and lets out a long sigh. "I mean, don't get me wrong. You? Excellent kisser. Really. Just great."

Amy rolls off onto her side, giving Karma room to breathe. "You too," she says. "As first kisses go, that one was right up there. Not that I have much to compare it to, but still…"

Karma stays on her back, but her hand finds Amy's and laces their fingers together. "I really wanted it to be…" She doesn't want to say more because that would mean it was, somehow, less but, really?

She wanted it to be more.

"Me too," Amy says. She flops over onto her back and both girls stare up at the stars. "Does this mean you're not bi?"

"I don't know," Karma says. "Maybe. Probably not. I mean, I liked it, but… maybe it just means that you and I -"

"Are destined to be just friends?"

"Great friends," Karma says and she nods even though Amy's not looking. "Does this mean you're not gay?"

Amy thinks about it. "There was no spark," she says. "there was no fire, there was no 'I have to spend the rest of my life kissing you and only you' moment."

"But?" Karma senses a but.

"But," Amy says, "there was definitely a 'I wouldn't mind kissing you' moment. Or two." She props herself up on her elbows and looks over at Karma. "Like, I wouldn't object if, you know, you wanted to do that again. Say, just as…"

"Practice?" Karma asks and she dissolves into giggles at the overly enthusiastic nod Amy gives her. "You, Amy Raudenfeld, are a horny teenager, you know that? Wanting to kiss a girl you have no romantic interest in and no, what did you call it? Spark?"

Amy shrugs and then ( in a moment she'll never forget) she leans down over Karma, their noses brushing against each other. "I didn't hear a 'no'," she says.

"And you won't," Karma says, closing the very short distance between their lips. "At least not tonight."

The second time she kisses a girl, Amy is seventeen, in Shane's backyard, sprawled on the grass underneath the stars. It (or one of the few more kisses that follow it) will be the last time she ever kisses Karma, at least like that.

But as first kisses go… yeah… it was right up there. And if kiss number one (and two and three and on…) were that good with the wrong girl?

Amy can't wait to find the right one.

Looks like Shane's going to be having a few more parties after all.