AN: Based on a gifset by the lovely berrykurtana on tumblr. Santana adds such a fun dynamic to hummelberry.
Santana Lopez was a lot of things, most of which couldn't be mentioned in at least 28 states. Her favorite trait about herself was sniffing out secrets. And she was oh so good at doing so. And since moving to New York, she had found out so many things about Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry that it would set most of their friends heads spinning if they knew.
Especially one secret of a certain roommate by the name of Kurt Hummel. It was a hell of a secret. Often times she'd stand back and wondered if he even knew it.
One day Kurt was running late and taking his sweet ass time in the bathroom. Rachel had already left for class, so it was just the two of them. It was such perfect timing that Santana jumped on it. She put her phone on to record and calmly walked into the bathroom.
She pretended to be looking for something as Kurt finished brushing his teeth.
"You really have a passion for hobbits, don't you Hummel?"
Kurt spit out his toothpaste and glared at her.
"If this is about Blaine, I don't have time to—"
"Oh no, this isn't about your Borat look-alike," said Santana with a smirk. "Nor about your trip on the TARDIS. What I want to know is since when did you start having a crush on Berry?"
Kurt rolled his eyes and turned and looked at her. "You're crazy. Coming to New York and working at that bar has literally made you insane. I am gay Santana. I like boys."
"Oh come off it," said the Latina. "You can't tell me the other night at dinner when you two looked longingly at each other over the table that something isn't going on in your head. I can see your heart eyes when you look at her Kurt. I'm not blind."
Kurt went quiet. His hands were in fists and he sighed as he leaned against the sink.
"She cannot know this, okay? It'd kill her. It's just— it's a passing phase. I will deny it to my grave."
"And what if she likes you back?" said Santana, raising an eyebrow.
"Like that would ever happen," he sighed. "It's stupid Santana. Leave it alone." He rushed out of the bathroom before she could even respond.
Passing phase indeed. He was smitten. Santana rolled her eyes and turned off her phone. It was glaringly obvious the two idiots didn't even know what was going on between them. Well, at least Berry didn't. Kurt was so deep in serious denial that he could dig himself to China and back. She could understand Kurt's hesitation. That'd be like Blaine up and declaring his love for Sam. Or the whole Mercedes fiasco of 2010 that had basically made Kurt come out in the first place. Declaring a crush on Rachel Berry would bring down the whole dysfunctional New Directions circus tent.
But still, family was family. And her two idiot roommates needed this out in the open. Hell, Santana had to admit that even the thought of the two of them together was adorable. She gagged at the thought and berated herself for even thinking about that.
Santana's opportunity came just a couple of days later when Rachel came home moping. She had suggested a movie, which sounded like the perfect idea for the two of them to get into some gossip and girl time. When she had gotten up to get the popcorn, Kurt had returned from his late study session at NYADA with some classmates. Rachel had informed him about their intentions of watching something hilarious to take their minds off things, Kurt joined her on the couch.
"Still moping around I see. You were doing that at school too. The whole not looking very happy today."
Rachel sighed. "It's the relationship thing finally getting to me I think. I miss it you know? I know I need to spend some time just being myself... But I miss the way Brody kissed me, or how Finn held me... I miss affection." They both missed Santana pretending to choke herself in the kitchen as she dumped the popcorn out of the bag and into a bowl. She came back over to the couch and placed it on their coffee table as she stood next to the pair.
"You know, you could ask Kurt," said Santana to Rachel. Kurt let out a strangled cry as he moved to stop her. She pointed at him before raising her hands. "He has a crush on you for some unknown reason."
Rachel stared hard at Santana before switching to Kurt, who seemed to melt a little under her gaze. "She's kidding right? Kurt, Santana is joking isn't she?" She studied his face before nervously glancing at Santana, who was popping a piece of popcorn in her mouth with a smirk.
"Rachel—" began Kurt.
Rachel's mouth dropped open.
"Oh my god," said the brunette. "Kurt…"
"Santana doesn't know what she's talking about," said the countertenor quickly. "She—"
"Has been watching you two make silly love faces at each other for months now that it's getting sickening really," said the former cheerleader. "You'd think you two would catch on that the whole "soulmates" thing is just a moniker to hide your gay love behind while still pursuing booty on the side."
"Santana Lopez," said Kurt, gritting his teeth. "We are not you."
The girl dropped her head and starting looking at her nails. Rachel was still staring at Kurt's face.
"Tell me it's not true."
Santana took out her phone and found her recording. She hit play. Kurt cursed out loud as the conversation that took place between himself and the Latina that morning played for Rachel to hear. She closed her eyes tight as she heard Kurt admit that he'd deny it to his grave. She was gripping the edge of the couch as the recording ended.
"Rachel, you don't—"
Santana watched in absolute surprise as Rachel slapped Kurt across the cheek, hard. There was still red marks from her fingers as the brunette marched past Santana, giving her an evil look. She grabbed her jacket and bag before running out the door. It slammed shut and Santana winced. If it was one thing other than singing that Rachel Berry was really good at, it was making dramatic storm outs.
And slapping Kurt Hummel apparently was a new one to add to the list.
Santana got to her feet and went after the first aid kit. Kurt was still sitting there, looking defeated and more like the scared 7th grader she remembered seeing in middle school for the first time wearing his gym clothes because the varsity football team had made the junior varsity football team dump several different colors of Gatorade over him as their initiation. It was a hell of mess, considering they had covered him in the powder mixes first before throwing the liquid. His clothes had been rainbow kaleidoscope of sports drink that had resulted in him being a sticky mess for the rest of the day despite taking five showers.
She came over to Kurt's side with a hiss.
"Damn, those nails of hers got you good." She took out the antiseptic and starting dabbing it on his cheek with a Q-Tip before adding a medicinal salve.
"Why are you doing this?" he sighed. "You've already massacred my best friendship this evening. A few scratch marks are the least of my worries."
"Shut up and hold still. You're bleeding."
Kurt went rigid as Santana placed two small bandages across his cheek. "There, I'm done. Now grab your jacket, let's go."
He looked at her like she had grown three extra heads. "Why would I chase after her Santana? She utterly hates me right now."
"Oh Porcelain, Porcelain," said the Latina with a sad smile. "How clueless you are about women. Those storm outs she used to make in high school? She was begging for someone to follow her. And for once, we will."
Kurt shook his head and frowned. "I should fucking hate you right now. Why don't I?"
"Because now your secret is out in the open, and you don't have to hide anymore." Santana paused. "Look, for what it's worth… I know in your mind it's just a stupid crush, but when I see you two look at each other, I see something else. Now come on. I know where she will end up."
The brown haired countertenor got to his feet and followed Santana out of the apartment.
The Latina had been correct in her assessment of where Rachel had gone. She was sitting with her back to the door in one of those railroad diner car type diners, staring out at the street over a cup of coffee that the both of them knew she was never going to drink. Santana gestured to Kurt to stay in the booth behind them while she slid in the seat across from Rachel.
"Come here to gloat have you?" said Rachel spitefully. "Congratulations Santana, you just ruined the one friendship I had left."
"You don't count me as a friend?"
"Not after you outed Kurt like that."
"Well, the idiot should know better than to keep such big secrets."
"He was trying to save himself a lot of heartache and trouble apparently."
"No, he was trying to save you heartache."
"Like saying that he'd go to his grave denying that he liked me? That I am just a passing phase? Is there is something so wrong with me that he could never admit to liking me in a romantic way? I mean, I know he likes boys and all, but—"
Santana saw Kurt flinch behind Rachel.
"No, he said that because he was threatening me not to say anything," smirked Santana. "Not that I'd take that sort of thing seriously of course."
Rachel sighed. "Maybe there is something wrong with me."
"No," said Santana, taking Rachel's hand. "If Kurt had come out and said that straight up to your face, would you have believed him?"
"No, I would have thought he had gone insane or was running a very high fever. Either way I would have been looking to admit him to the nearest medical facility."
"And if I had told you that without Kurt there?"
"No, I would have thought you were making fun of me as you usually do."
"See? Heartache."
Rachel groaned and slid down further in the booth.
"I can't believe Kurt Hummel of all people has a crush on me."
"Well, it is rather cute," smirked Santana. "His secret straight crush."
"We're all a little whacked," said Rachel, wiping the corner of her eye on her coat. "Maybe we have been spending too much time together."
"Rachel, seriously. If you think it's the apartment that's the culprit here, then you are more delusional than I thought," said Santana. "Have you ever considered that maybe that the both of you are just a couple of fools and just not seeing what's in front of your face?"
The brunette looked at Santana after a moment of staring at the ceiling. "Do you really think that this goes further than just a simple crush?"
"I think that's something you need to ask yourself Rachel," said Santana. "Could you ever consider Kurt anything more than your best friend?"
Rachel went quiet, stirring the hot coffee with a spoon. She laughed softly, shaking her head.
"I told him once. 'You make me want to be your boyfriend.' But I don't think he believed me."
Santana was pretty sure Kurt had sunk under the table behind them. She took the coffee from Rachel and started pouring sugar packets into it. "So Kurt isn't the only one with a secret crush on his best friend."
Rachel bit her lip. "I just… he always was so perfect. I thought I was going to have this great friend that was excellent at everything that I wanted by my side forever. I realized what I was looking at him for was a husband and not a best friend."
It grew quiet in the diner, which had only a handful of patrons. A waitress nearly passed them on her way to Kurt. Santana stopped her.
"Do you have hot chocolate?" The waitress nodded and Santana ordered two cups. She looked at Rachel with a sigh.
"He does like you, you know."
Rachel looked small, almost like she was trying to curl into a ball to protect herself from any more hurt. She shook her head. "I'm sure he probably hates me right now. I messed up his pretty face."
The former cheerleader snorted at that.
"Look, if your friendship can't survive a simple crush and a slap, which was spectacular by the way, then what kind of friendship is it? If you and Lady Hummel are the best of friends or soulmates or whatever you think you are, then this is just a bump in the road. Talk about it and get it out in the open. If he happens to stare at your eyes for too long or you get infatuated with that fine gorgeous ass that should be illegal and not allowed on a man, then you laugh it off and move on. But if he can get over the fact that you have a vagina between your legs instead of a dick and you two can work it out, then kudos to the both of you. I get to be the best lady at your wedding."
The waitress came back with two cups of hot chocolate and placed them in front of the girls. Santana started pouring the coffee into the hot chocolate in front of her and Rachel gave her a strange look. The Latina stood and went to the booth behind them.
"Sorry Kurt, this is the closest I can get to mocha in this place." She handed to him, an amused expression gracing her features. Rachel turned around quickly and saw Kurt sitting almost exactly behind her. Her face turned a shade of green as she saw the band-aids on his cheek. Santana took the cup back from Kurt and sat it across from Rachel.
"Now I'm going to go over there and flirt with the nice waitress for a burger and fries, because I am fucking worn out having to deal with your crap," sighed Santana, waving her hand. "You two gay babies talk it out for Auntie Santana." She walked away and went to the metal bar that ran the length of the restaurant and sat down on one of the red stools set in front of it, spinning around as she waited for the young blonde waitress to come back.
Kurt closed his eyes and sighed. He stood and moved in front of Rachel, sliding into the booth. The brown haired countertenor looked at his best friend, who was looking down at the shiny surface of the table. The overhead light seemed a little too bright as he carefully put his hands in front of him. He was surprised as Rachel reached across the table and pulled his hand into hers, squeezing it like it was the only thing keeping her afloat.
"Hi," he said softly.
"Hi," she said back, her eyes scanning his face as she rubbed the top of his knuckles with her thumb.
Across the diner, Santana held up her phone and took a picture of her two friends for future reference. Or blackmail, whatever.