Companion piece to "Drabble - Don't give up on us" inspired by David Soul's song.
This is what happened before Hannibal and Face's dialogue.
It all happened very fast. One moment Face was leading the unit to their position in the Iraqi village, the next one he crumpled ungracefully to the ground with a loud moan. The bullet, a single one, was meant to kill him but the enemy failed in his purpose and the LT fell in the dust holding his stomach, blood seeping through the wound. His companions were at his side instantly, BA gently rolling him onto his back and Murdock checking the wound. They didn't talk; Face was on the verge on unconsciousness, even if he still had some feelings about what was going on around him and thankfully he didn't see the worried look the two rangers exchanged in the midday sun.
He felt himself being moved and a sharp pain in his abdomen and lower back, he tried to speak but his mouth was as dry as the desert he was going to die in; after what seemed an eternity, the movement stopped and Murdock appeared in his field of vision, trying to smile to hide his fear but failing miserably. Face knew he wasn't going to make it, he just wished Hannibal was there with him because if he was going to die he first needed to tell the Colonel the truth about his feelings for him. He must have talked or whispered Hannibal's name because Murdock was saying something.
"Hold on Facey, Hannibal will be here soon with the cavalry".
And so the LT remained conscious for another hour, the most painful and terrifying hour of his life. Sometimes he felt like letting go, it would have been easy to slip into the darkness that was waiting for him, away from the pain and Murdock's anguished expression. But he had made a promise, once, and he wasn't going to fail.
The last time he saw Father Maghill before he died last spring, he had promised to the old priest to be honest with the man he loved. But Face was afraid the older man could refuse him and he still hadn't found the right moment to confess his feelings to Hannibal. The thought of his Colonel, so proud in his combat uniform and so smart in his formal dress, brought tears to his eyes. God, he didn't want to die. If God could just give him another possibility…
Just as he was about to close his eyes and succumb to the shadows, a strong hand squeezed his. Hannibal. Hannibal was there. He tried to speak and tasted blood in his mouth. The Colonel's expression darkened and he felt the older man gripping his hand tighter.
"I'm here, Face. Please, don't go. Hold on, baby!"
Face tried to answer him but the sound that emerged from his throat was something between a moan and a gurgle, the sound of a dying animal. "Please, God," he thought,"I don't want to die!"
"You're not going to die, Face, do you hear me?" Hannibal was saying. "It's an order, Lieutenant!"
The younger man tried really hard, he was determined to stay awake and do as he was ordered. He was a good soldier, after all. But at some point the world around him went black and he surrendered to unconsciousness. He felt really sorry for leaving like that but he was so weak and tired and couldn't hold on any longer.
"Please, Hannibal, forgive me. Murdock, you're going to find your strength and overcome this. BA, please, don't be too rude to him," he thought.
Strange, he wasn't afraid. He had always imagined dying would be terrifying while it was not; he felt strangely detached, as is he was swimming in a thick fog. He could detect muffled sounds around him but couldn't identify voices. He felt good, he was no longer hurting. "Shouldn't I see a light now, white and comforting, calling for me? Or am I supposed to meet an angel to guide me to Heaven?" he thought. But nothing happened.
He felt like he was floating on a soft surface for a small eternity, still waiting for something to happen. He didn't have flashbacks of his life, he just kept waiting in the comforting darkness that was protecting him from the pain. At some point, he thought he heard voices around him: a tired, rough voice that could only be Hannibal's and another one, more nervous and hysterical, Murdock's. Face could hear them but didn't understand what they said; Hannibal's tone was sad, though, and he wondered if they were talking about him. Then, silence again.
He must have fallen asleep – or have fallen into a similar condition, do people sleep when they're dead? Face wondered – and when he woke up again he found out the darkness around him had turned into gray, like he was hidden under a blanket, because he could see a faint light through his eyelids.
Someone was holding his hand; the next thing he became aware of was an offending object in his mouth and throat that made him unable to swallow. He tried to shift on the flat surface he was laying on and pain exploded in his lower stomach. He would have cried out but he couldn't, the damn thing preventing even that. With his eyes still closed, he tried to reach the object with a trembling hand but as he was about to pull it out a bigger hand engulfed his own.
He tried to fight the man who was holding him still but he was too weak to fight the assailant. His heart was going a mile a minute. There was a loud furious beeping coming from beside his head that was driving him crazy, giving him an instant headache.
Then hands, more hands on him, touching and probing his battered body where he hurt the most. Suddenly, his left eyelid was lifted and a bad bright light made him blind for a moment; the process was repeated on his right eye and his headache increased a notch.
"Maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm in Hell, after all" Face thought and silently prayed for the pain to stop and the hands to go away and leave him alone. As if responding to his prayers, after a while he felt drowsy again and he slipped into a comforting sleep without dreams.
The next time he woke up, he still felt confused but a little more lucid. Like the first time, someone was holding his hand and the offending object was still in his throat; but there was something more: a smell, the persistent smell of fine Cuban cigars and of a strong aftershave. Hannibal.
Face was afraid to open his eyes and find out it had been only a dream and Hannibal wasn't really there with him, but couldn't resist obeying the sweet and soft encouraging words the Colonel was addressing to him. When he did, at first his vision was unfocussed and he felt dizzy and disoriented. A few minutes later, he was able to see the older man smiling down at him.
The LT tried to speak but couldn't. He panicked. He was awake and alive, wasn't he? Why couldn't he speak?
"It's OK Face. You're on a respirator, that's why you can't speak," Hannibal explained gently.
The younger man relaxed a fraction but was still full of questions.
"Now that you're awake, probably the doctor is going to remove that tube, I'm sure. You just have to have a little patience," the Colonel added.
Face trusted his Colonel, he always did; if he said the doctor was going to remove the respirator soon, it had to be the truth. He fixed his gaze on the older man, trying to understand how many days had passed since he was shot - things were perfectly clear in his mind now – and it seemed the Colonel was reading his mind because even if he couldn't ask for it Hannibal explained to him what had happened after he was shot: how BA and Murdock had protected him then waited for the S&R team, the flight to the base and the long wait for him to wake up in the hospital.
"Took you long enough, though! But what matters is that you're OK now. Take your time, baby."
Baby! Did Hannibal really call him baby? Face was confused. Why was his commanding officer now addressing him with such nicknames? And where had that loving expression he could read in his eyes come from?
But these were question he couldn't find an answer for now because the doctor, true to the Colonel's words, entered the room and after asking him the usual questions and checking his injuries announced he was going to remove the respirator. The LT was excited at the idea of being able to speak again, he had so many questions to ask.
But the process wasn't so easy and he couldn't help but cry when the doctor pulled the tube out of his body, leaving a trace of hot flames all the way into his throat and his esophagus. Hannibal helped him to swallow some ice chips, that eased a little of his discomfort, but he kept a vow of silence for the next two days.
Once it was declared he was out of danger, Hannibal's attitude towards Face changed. Not that he wasn't worried about his LT or he wasn't present - everybody knew how Hannibal was genuinely worried if any of his guys was hurt or injured - but the loving expression was gone.
Face was utterly confused. Did he dream about it? Or the Colonel had really called him that? Baby?
But anyway, he wasn't going to ask him.
Two years and many successful missions later.
The guys were having fun together after a difficult mission that ended with complete success. They were all calm and relaxed, knowing they had earned a break of a couple of weeks, and making plans: BA was talking about how his mama would be happy to see him and to have him around for some days; Murdock didn't know if he was going back to his family or directly to Hawaii, where he would spend all his time sipping cocktails in front of the sea surrounded by girls.
Face, not having a family to go back to nor a place called home in the US, hadn't planned anything yet. For now, he was enjoying the atmosphere between them. Of course, he would have liked to spend some time with Hannibal, the Colonel still being his secret desire since they met. But he knew it was out of the question.
Since the accident of two years before, when the Colonel had addressed him with ridiculous nicknames in the hospital, the older man didn't give Face any signs that his feeling for him were something more than a strong friendship.
The LT knew his commanding officer was proud of him, on one occasion he admitted he considered him the son he didn't have. He was caring and gentle, always taking into consideration Face's suggestions when making plans for a mission, but also severe and correct if he did something wrong.
They were friends, also. More than once, Hannibal talked with Face about his family, telling him about his brother and sister and how much he cared for and loved them; in exchange, the younger man talked about his childhood in the orphanage and how he met Father Maghill, who was his mentor and the one who actually encouraged him to join the Army.
When the old priest died, it was Hannibal that helped Face to overcome the tragic situation.
Not that Hannibal was rude to Murdock or BA, but it was clear there was something more between him and Face. The pilot believed it was because they knew each other for so many years, even before he and BA were part of the team. That made sense, of course.
After the bad accident that almost cost Face's life, Hannibal never gave any signal things were different between him and his XO. Obviously, the younger man was full of questions about it but after a while, back on active duty, he was too busy with the missions and the routine to think about it anymore.
Sometimes he wondered what the Colonel had meant, calling him baby at the hospital; but things were good between them and he didn't think he wanted to ruin their perfect relationship because of something he could have dreamt. After all, he was in a lot of pain and he could have misunderstood the Colonel's words.
When he was called into Hannibal's tent that afternoon, Face was curious to know what the Colonel had to tell him that was so important that it couldn't be said in front of his friends. They were a family, after all. No secrets between them.
He didn't bother to announce himself and quietly entered the private space. Hannibal was in front of his desk, busily ordering a bunch of papers.
"Thanks for coming so soon, Face" the Colonel said quietly, "please have a seat".
Face did as instructed and waited for the older man to speak up. When Hannibal didn't, he couldn't suppress the urge to ask "Hey Boss, was our holiday cancelled? What's that mess?"
Hannibal turned to watch him with a sad expression in his eyes. Something in Face's stomach twisted.
"The holiday isn't cancelled. No. I just wanted to speak to you about.. ah… about a good opportunity for your career."
Face shifted uncomfortably on his seat.
"Sure, Colonel" he replied but everything in Hannibal's attitude spoke volumes about how wrong that situation was.
"Well, you know Colonel Mc Kenny? His XO has resigned and he is searching for another officer to take his place. The Colonel is going to resign himself in a couple of years, he's older than me and wants to spend his last years in the Army near his family in the US. They're probably going to assign him to some office, anyway… I thought it could have been a good opportunity for you. You could take his XO's place and in a few years have your own unit to command. What do you think?"
Face had to fight the urge to get out of the tent in order not to scream at Hannibal. He took a deep breath, instead, and when he talked his voice was cold and thin.
"Thank you, Colonel, for asking me. But I am not interested."
Hannibal sighed and nodded his head. "I know you're confused right now, kid. And maybe the occasion comes as a shock for you, I understand it. But I think you should seriously consider this possibility. I already talked to the General and he agrees with me, so…"
This time Face couldn't hold back his anger and pain. "Do I have a choice here, Colonel? I understand what you're trying to do, getting rid of me, sending me to another unit far away from you and the guys. Why, Hannibal? I want to know, why?" he almost shouted.
"Please, don't take it this badly. It's not that I am refusing you but…"
"But what? If you were in my shoes, what would you think?" the LT asked, feeling he was on the verge of tears but not wanting to give the older man the satisfaction of seeing how much he was hurting.
"I would consider the proposal for what it is: a good opportunity. It's nothing personal…" Hannibal replied, but his words sounded false and cliché.
"That's bullshit, Hannibal. I know you're not telling me the truth! If you really want to get rid of me, at least you owe me an explanation".
The Colonel understood he wasn't going to win the battle and lowered his gaze; he could feel his heart thundering in his chest and in his ears and probably Face was hearing it too. God, he had never felt so miserable and vile in all his life. Face was right. He was sending him away and he owed him an explanation, at least.
"Can you sit down, kid, please? I promise I'll tell you the truth" he stated, hoping his voice was steady enough.
Face complied and waited for the older man to go on. His face was composed but he was anything but calm.
"I didn't do it on purpose, you've got to believe me" he started.
"I don't understand".
Hannibal sighed again. Why it was so difficult to explain his feelings? Why couldn't he just tell the kid the truth?
"What I am trying to say is that… I wasn't looking on purpose to do it. I mean, ah, when Colonel Mc Kenny told me about his XO I was genuinely surprised. I wasn't searching for an occasion to get rid of you! I have never thought about it but then, after he told me about his situation, I started to think that maybe it was a good opportunity for you…"
Face was starting to lose the little patience he had left.
"You have been very clear on this point, Sir. There's no need for you to explain it again!" he spat out.
Hannibal knew the LT was mad at him and, honestly, he couldn't blame him. But how on Earth was he going to confess his real feelings for him? He would have run away from him anyway.
"Look, Face, things are a little complicated and I don't think this is the place to discuss personal issues…"
"If you have a problem with me I want to know!"
"I don't have problems with you… Oh, Jesus Christ, Face! Why do you make things so difficult?"
The Colonel didn't want to appear ridiculous in his XO's eyes but found it very hard now to hold his gaze. He understood Face wasn't inclined to give up unless he heard an explanation. Damn you, Face! he cursed in his mind.
"You want the truth? You really want to know? Really? Even if knowing it will change things forever?" he asked earnestly.
"Yes, that is what I want" Face replied harshly.
"All right, then. I don't want to send you away, I don't want you to leave my side but I can't, at the same time, go on any longer this way. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's what I feel" he paused, took a deep breath and went on. "Every time you are hurt or injured, I always feel like dying myself. I know I can't always protect you but I don't want to be responsible for your hurting. Do you understand?"
"Yes and no. It's not that you forced me into anything, I was the one to choose this life and the risks it comes with. You're not responsible for this. Besides, even if I was under another CO, that wouldn't change the fact I could be injured … or worse."
"I know that. But when you're out there, alone, I find it hard to think rationally. All I can think about is praying that everything goes smoothly and you come back to me in one piece and alive. And that is something I shouldn't do. I should be efficient in guiding you boys, you all three should be equal to me but you're not. You… you are special to me."
Face couldn't believe his own ears. Did the Colonel really say he was special to him? Really?
"How?" he asked simply.
"How what, Face?"
"How am I special to you? Like a brother, like a son, like what?" he whispered.
Hannibal thought it was a bad idea, but he had promised to be honest with the kid.
"I'm afraid a little more than that."
If it was possible, Face's eyes became bigger and brighter with emotion and oh so blue. But he remained silent and Hannibal started to worry seriously that he had made the biggest mistake in his life.
"If you want to leave the unit, now, I would understand" he stated quietly, looking at Face in his eyes.
The LT's reaction was, however, surprising. Instead of running away, he started to laugh hysterically. Hannibal was puzzled. Finally, after two minutes, the younger man was able to talk again.
"You know, Colonel, this situation is really unbelievable. And I think it won't make any difference to you if the feeling was mutual, am I right? Because, correct me if I am wrong, you assumed I would have been pissed off by your "confession", that I would have refused you just because I don't wear a label on my face with a big GAY BOY written in yellow capital letters on it." He snorted. "Oh I know what you're thinking, the girls I dated… Well, if you had bothered to ask me, I would have explained to you that I am not completely gay but neither completely hetero. In fact I'm bi." He sighed tiredly.
"What's the point in telling you anyway? You have already taken your decision, you played judge and jury. You want me to go away, I'll go away. But not because you're ordering me. Because you make me sick. Two years wondering if maybe my feelings for you were mutual and you didn't tell me anything. How could you, Hannibal? I heard you in the hospital, I heard what you called me. Why did you do it? Because you thought I was going to die?"
The Colonel was astonished by the outburst and because he had never suspected Face of being gay.
"Maybe, I don't know. Really, I am being honest. I didn't want you to die without knowing that I loved you. But then, things changed, you survived and… I was afraid of your reaction."
Face snorted again. "You didn't want me to embarrass you."
Hannibal's face fell, his cheeks burning. "I didn't want you to ruin my career … and yours" he admitted.
Face felt tears in his eyes, the brutality of the words the Colonel had just spoken hit him like a blow in the stomach.
"There's no reason to discuss it anymore. You made your point very clear, you love me but your career is more important. I understand." He croaked in a trembling voice.
"I am so sorry, Face. I wish we could try to be together but, you see, this is not the place. It will only make things worse for both of us. Maybe it's better if we go our separate ways."
A lone tear slid down Face's smooth cheek.
"I'll think about it. I'll tell you my decision when we come back in two weeks!"
Before he could get out of the tent, Hannibal reached him in two long steps and kissed him hard on the lips. Face didn't react the way the Colonel had hoped: he stood completely still, without moving a muscle. When the older man released him, fresh tears were swimming in his eyes.
"Face, I'm…"
"Don't say it, Hannibal. You're a sick bastard!"
Before exiting the tent, he paused a few minutes to regain control on himself. Then he put on one of his best smiles and got out in the sun.
END