5 Ways to Win a Werewolf's Heart, by Remus Lupin (submitted to The Daily Prophet)
The Wizarding World is a very unique environment. Some people hate my kind, while others are drawn to them. I've been harassed, assaulted, petitioned against, and even worse things. On the other hand, some women are attracted to me like a vampire to blood. I've never understood it, nor do I think I ever will, but sometimes, that's just the way things are.
I was asked, er… I was volunteered, to elaborate on a stiflingly difficult subject. Yes, werewolves; more specifically, werewolves and romance. I came up with five reasonable methods to swoon the werewolf of your choice. Of course, I must warn you, not every werewolf is the same, so continue at your own risk.
Wit. As with most men, I am particularly fond of cleverness and wit.
When a woman can burn you with a comeback without missing a beat, I consider that a wonderful quality. In my opinion, and I stress that this is only an opinion, wit is a highly underestimated quality in a woman.
Let me shine some light on this subject: Two years ago, I was visiting the Weasley family at their home. The youngest boy, Ron, was attempting to sweet-talk his long-adored classmate and girlfriend. Ron's sister, the youngest of the Weasley clan, walked in the back door with a laundry basket of fresh linens on her hip.
"They say the eyes are the window to the soul, you know." Ron said, looking lovingly into Hermione Granger's eyes.
Quick as a whip, Ginny adjusted her hold on the basket and smiled, "Don't tell that to the Dementors," she said, before walking up the stairs.
That, my dear readers, is one of the most important qualities of all.
Charm. This is not to say that a witch needs to excel in the art of Charms, but merely that she be charming.
Anyone can come up with excuses, or what youngsters like to call "reasoning", but it's quite difficult to make them believable. Even more difficult, though, is having a bollocks excuse but having enough charm to convince the person otherwise.
As I've always loved to share, the year I taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was one of the best years of my life. I was comfortable and in the place I loved most; I could teach my favorite subject and watch my friend's child grow. Yet, these are not the only things I loved there.
School isn't all that much different from when I attended: you go to class (sometimes), do your homework (sometimes), you sit with you friends and you lie. Yup, lying is still a huge thing at Hogwarts.
'A House Elf ate my homework,' was the most common lie, but only next to, 'No, those robes do not make you look fat, darling.' I tell you, being a teenager has not changed much. Where was I? Oh yes, charm.
A woman must be charming in the sense that she can get her way without seeming pushy, bossy or overbearing. She doesn't need to hint at potential birthday gifts or a romantic date. Charm has a way of working it all out for her and, hopefully, her companion.
Food. This one is a no-brainer.
Werewolves become very picky when it comes to their meals. When I was a boy, I hated any red meat that wasn't blackened to a crisp, and my father had a helluva time trying to keep my appetite in a healthy place. After my "accident" (as so many people call it behind my back), I couldn't stand the smell of a too-cooked steak; it literally made me nauseous. My mother was lucky if the groceries made it home from the store before I ripped the package open. Mind you, I was young and not quite in control of my "condition". These days, I enjoy relaxing with a medium-rare rib eye in front of me, and a glass of Butterbeer after that. Food is a vital role in the principles of love, but not just when it comes to meat.
Not many people know this (and I'm sure that's about to change), but werewolves are very keen on white chocolate. Don't ask why, because that's a particular question I don't have the answer for. White chocolate truffles, white chocolate tea, white chocolate chip cookies with white chocolate frosting – the list is endless. So yes, red meat and white chocolate should be kept handy any time the werewolf of your liking is near.
Audacity. This one may surprise you, but do not be alarmed.
Most people hear 'audacity' and immediately jump to a negative conclusion, when in fact it can be a handy trait, especially when used correctly.
Audacity can be best described as fearlessness while still fearing, and challenging others when you really believe in something. You can be bold without being rude, you can be daring without being ignorant. It's all about equilibrium.
Audacity, in itself, is a firm head and a soft heart. You have to love something, anything at all, and really believe it. It's sticking to your wand when you're backed in a corner, no matter what others are telling you. It's honest and it's very difficult to portray without sounding like a twit.
Don't forget the other part: daring. Honestly, everyone knows being with a werewolf can be dangerous. After all, nearly every month has a full moon and that in itself is clearly a hazard to your health. It takes bravery and courage to go steady with a werewolf. (I find these terms too similar to the qualities of Gryffindor House, and do not want to deter anyone from seeking their true mate, if you so wish it to be; hence, the choice in audacity, yes?)
Intelligence. Let me remind you that this is only an opinion: this is only an opinion. Okay? Perfect.
Some werewolves, (and men in general, really), like the… well… let's call them "Less-Than-Academic" females (to put it nicely. Some would say "ditsy" and I would call that inconsiderate, but I digress).
Through all of this, I find that most werewolves are attracted to highly educated, or seemingly educated, mates. Even if it is not formal education, any woman that can come across as properly trained in any field of study shows a certain quality that immediately attracts the pure instincts in a werewolf.
Think about it this way: strong, dominate mate who can take care of themselves if it comes down to the grid, or weak and fragile individual who needs you for every little thing? Of course, you may not consider these points connection, but I promise you that, in a werewolf's eyes, intelligence is equivalent to strength.
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A/N: This was written for a Hogwarts Online II challenge ages ago that I forgot to post. I hope Remus came across as the smarty/goody-two-shoes he is haha. Review?