SQSA MEETING—1-12-2013
Granny: So this is the first meeting of Swan Queen Shippers Anonymous. Are you getting all of this, Belle?
Belle: Yes. I'm even typing what I'm saying right now.
Granny: *nods* Okay, then. Welcome everyone. This is a support group for people who have started 'shipping' Emma Swan and Regina Mills together, a relationship that will probably never get anywhere, other than tentative allies at best. This is a group to help us all get over our Swan Queen obsession, because, as you probably guessed, I am addicted as well.
Ruby: She blames me for it.
Granny: *turns to Ruby and frowns* Well if you hadn't introduced me to that damn website…stumbler or whatever, I wouldn't be fangirling every time I see them in the same room.
Archie: It's tumblr.
Mary Margaret: Tumblr.
Ruby: So the fact that they have undeniable sexual chemistry, and the fact that Emma has saved Regina's life 5 times is my fault?
Belle: No, Red. Don't blame yourself.
Granny: *clears throat* Okay, why don't we get started? Who would like to go first?
Mary Margaret: I'd like to, if that's okay. *gets up* "Hi, My name is Snow White, and I am a swan queen shipper. I know you're probably all thinking, 'Wait, Snow, why would you want Regina to date your daughter?' Honestly, I just want Emma to be happy. And I have to agree with Red, their chemistry is off the charts.
David/James/Prince Charming: And I just want to say—
Belle: Hold on. What name do you want? You have three, which one do you want me to record?
David/James/Prince Charming: Oh…James is fine.
James: I want to say that Emma sees Regina as a new person, not as the Evil Queen, which none of us are able to do yet. I am proud to say that I ship the Queen with good.
Granny: You're all kind of missing the point here, people. This support group is to help us overcome—
Dr. Whale: *comes swaggering in, apparently half-tipsy* Hullo, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I just-*hiccup* got back from a date with Emma—
James: *jumps up angrily* WHAT?
Dr. Whale: And she didn't even let me cop a feel. So I'm on board this ship, because any woman who says no to this- *gestures to his body* must be a lesbian.
Leroy: *snorts*
Granny: *clears her throat again and stands up, trying to regain control of the situation* Ruby, do you want to go?
Ruby: *nods and gets up, dressed in miniskirt and black tank top, looking especially gorgeous smiling her beautiful, breathtaking winning smile* I ship them because of Henry. He needs his two moms. I think the only way to overcome this addiction of mine is to make Regina and Emma realize that they are perfect for each other.
Dr. Whale: I'm with you, sister. *hiccups and tries to put his arm around Ruby*
Granny: No, that's not a good idea—
Mary Margaret: And why not? I am sick of seeing Emma mope around the house. She needs to get out more.
James: Can we focus on the fact that this drunk bastard *jabs his thumb at Whale* just went on a date with Emma? How the hell did she agree to that?
Dr. Whale: What can I say? Bitches can't resist me.
Mary Margaret: She turned you down, dumbass.
Archie: Can I interject here?
Granny: Please.
Archie: I think that the best way for all of us to deal with this addiction is to first remove the temptation. We should lean on each other for support, instead of spending hours on tumblr. We can overcome this, if we accept the reality that Emma and Regina will never be together.
Ruby: *growls, making it sound incredibly sexy* I refuse to accept that. Why should we just give up hope? I say, fight until the last dwarf!
Leroy: Hey!
Ruby: Sorry, I've seen The Hobbit a few too many times, I guess. *shrugs and looks at Belle, who swoons.
Mary Margaret: So we're doing this?
Granny: *throws her hands up in desperation* Doing what? Are we just going to put them in a room together and force them to make out?
James: *cringes*I did not need that mental picture.
Leroy: Then why are you even shipping them?
James: Because I want Emma to be happy, all right?
Belle: Perhaps we could approach this more subtly. Say, drop hints and…maybe get Henry on our side.
Dr. Whale: Good idea.
Archie: So no one is going to listen to my idea?
James: Nope.
Mary Margaret: Doesn't look like it. So, we should come up with a more concrete plan.
Granny: This is ten million levels of wrong.
Ruby: Think about Henry, Granny. He needs his two mommies to be together.
Granny: *rolls eyes* Fine. Let's do this.
Mary Margaret: Okay, since there's eight of us, we'll split up into two groups of four. James, Whale and Leroy, you can be with me, and we'll talk to Emma. Belle, Ruby, Granny and Archie, you guys talk to Regina.
Granny: Easier said than done. She is more prickly than a cactus' and porcupines' baby.
Archie: Is everyone forgetting that I am her therapist? It would be unethical for me to talk to her about her sex life, or to try to influence her.
Ruby: *rolls eyes*
Granny: *rolls eyes*
James: *rolls eyes*
Dr. Whale: Okay I'm just going to say what we're all thinking: Archie, you are a buzz kill. Are you on board our ship or not? *raises his voice and grabs Archie by the collar, hiccupping in his face*
Archie: *sighs* Fine. Perhaps I'll mention Emma in Regina's session, once or twice.
Granny: This meeting is adjourned. We will meet same time, same place next week. Long live the Swan Queen!
Everyone: Hear hear!