In a way I guess I'm thankful. Thankful for the opportunity, the opportunity to fall in love and to experience a connection to another person so deeply. In a way I guess I'm happy that it ended when it ended.
But there are days when I'm not that thankful, there are days when I can't see this from a mature point of view. There are days when I miss him. I miss the way we talked to each other, I miss his crazy laugh when he found something so extremely funny and I miss his way of always being able to make me forget everything for a second and only see him.
Somedays I'm angry. Angry at him for throwing away what we had, because what we had was beautiful - it was pure and honest. Angry at myself for all the things I've done that also has added to why we are where we are. I'm angry at the world for not making us perfect for each other, because for a while there, I kind of thought we were.
Seeing him makes it really hard. Seeing him act so normal, as if everything is as it should be. He looks the same, he acts the same, he even sounds the same. But he's so different, he is not the same anymore. And I guess that this is good for me. It's good for me to see that he has willingly pushed aside everything that made him the boy that I loved. He has willingly pushed aside his feelings for me and he has returned to being that immature boy I met many months ago. The one I had come to love does not exist anymore.
And well, that's a grief itself - the knowledge that he's not there anymore. The one that could hold me for hours and talk about how much I meant to him, the one that could comfort me when I cried and make me really believe that everything would be okay in the end. It's sad to think that the things I miss and the person that I miss is in no way connected to him anymore.
I remember when we ate breakfast together and we would always laugh and talk and we didn't almost have time to eat. I remember our humour, our sick humour that we'd created together. I remember the first time we had sex, it wasn't awkward and we laughed and we felt secure in each others embrace and that is beautiful. At times I think of memories we've created and I can fins myself laughing at the memory but still fighting the strong urge to cry. We grew together, we grew with each other experiencing new feelings and discovering new things about our selves, we adapted after one another and it came to a degree when I really thought that I'd never find someone that was going to fit me as well as he fit me - and maybe I won't. But we didn't fit that well in the beginning, you learn from each other and you develop with each other.
A tiny part of me still believes that everything has made its mark on him as well, that the person that he became, the person that I still love, is somewhere inside of him. I believe that maybe he'll let that person come out in his next relationship and I think that maybe he'll also look back on all of this with a felling of gratitude. Or at least I truly hope so.
When I first saw him with another girl it didn't really hurt as much as I thought it would, it was more of a confirmation of something that I already knew, like a receipt that he truly had moved on. As time went I started thinking and I started realising that he's going to look at her, the same way he used to look at me and he's going to kiss her, the same way he used to kiss me, and he's going to make love to her, the same way he made love to me. That stings, really. That I can be so easily replaced and so quickly removed from his life and his thoughts.
But, there is actually a feeling at the bottom of my heart that's starting to grow. I am honestly happy for that girl, because he did love me with all his might and his love was the most wonderful and pure love I've ever felt, she's going to feel amazing together with him and I truly hope that he'll feel amazing together with her as well. He deserves to be happy and I am pleased that I can with no doubt say, that I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.
He is always going to be a very big part of my life, and that's inevitable. He is my first real love and I'm always going to remember him. Some part of me might also love him forever but I'll get used to the thought of him not being a part of my life anymore, and that will be okay. I long for the day when I can look at the pictures, the song lyrics, the necklace and smile at them. The day when those items aren't as bound to my feelings as they are now. That day will be a symbolic day for me. The day that I've finally moved on.
To be honest that's what keeps me fighting, I'm fighting for the future me that's going to have grown so incredibly much because of this experience, the future me that's going to be strong and be able to support and be there for someone who's going through the same thing I'm going through right now. Maybe then I've created new thoughts on this and maybe I'll be able to look back on this with a different set of eyes, one not blinded by my love for him.
I will get through this and I'm going to feel better. It's sad that we didn't work out, but maybe this will give me the chance to focus on myself for a while now.
Everything will be okay, maybe not now but later on - and that itself is okay.