Author: Hendiadys (hendiadys146@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: We don't own anything except a crappy computer and a weird fantasy
Characters: Dawn, Spike
Spoilers: For all seasons; the story starts right at the end of Chosen
Summary: It's high time for Dawn to make her own decisions. But after escaping her familiar environment, she realizes that she has yet to find her identity. Living in an illusory Utopia, she makes new friends and unexpectedly meets an old one.
Feedback: Always appreciated!
Special thanks: To our beta Hazmat
Chapter 1
What are we gonna do now? The question she had asked Buffy still reverberated in Dawn's head.
She was in a daze; the happiness about their victory hadn't really reached her yet. Actually, she felt numb. Shouldn't she be celebrating? The others seemed happy enough; only Buffy was very silent. But the smile on her face was proof of the relief and joy she must have felt. Dawn's feelings were too ambivalent to really pull her in one direction. On the one hand, they had destroyed the First Evil and its army and saved the world once again, on the other hand…
Spike.
Anya.
Dawn couldn't quite believe they were gone. She tried to tell herself that she should be happy that her family, Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander, were okay, but she nevertheless felt the loss of the vampire and the ex-demon heavily on her heart. The pain seemed still buried deeply inside her, lying under a surface of mingled feelings of happiness and relief. She willed herself not to think about that and neither of all the potentials who had been defeated by their enemies, having obtained their slayer strength so shortly before their deaths.
When she looked around, she noticed that the others seemed to cope with the events only slightly better. Although Xander had reverted to his jovial self, joking about the Sunnydale Mall that was no more, Dawn could see the hidden grief in his eyes. She had overheard his short conversation with Andrew a few minutes ago. He had been proud when Andrew had told him that Anya had sacrificed herself to save his life, but he had looked unable to ask for more details about his ex-fiancée's death. Willow was clinging to Kennedy, surely grateful that she hadn't lost her lover. Giles seemed determined to talk about the new responsibilities they had to face now, fighting on the Hellmouth in Cleveland and finding and recruiting slayers from all over the world.
Looking at her sister, Dawn wondered what Buffy felt right now. She was well aware that Buffy knew that this victory was not the end of all evil. The last months had been a big challenge – perhaps the biggest they would ever have to face – but there was still another Hellmouth, there were also more monsters, vampires, demons… Wasn't it ever over? They all had lost so much, but there didn't seem to be a point really. The Vampire Slayer and her group of faithful helpers only delayed one apocalypse after the other; when one was prevented, the next was sure to threaten them and the world in the following year. Dawn forced herself to swallow these doubts and the resentment against their fate, but she knew that these feelings were justified. She didn't want to ponder them now, though.
What wasn't so easy to repress was the thought of Spike and Anya. Buffy had told them Spike had actually saved them all. How had he done it? She knew it was no use to start asking questions now, as they were all quiet and it seemed wrong to disturb the silence.
When she looked around again, nobody seemed to notice her. All the remaining Scoobies and the other people who were lucky to have survived were now so self-absorbed that they didn't take notice of Dawn's retreat. She wasn't sure where to go, she merely followed the urge to be entirely alone. Away from all the terrible things that had happened in her short life, away from all the people who had hurt her- if not intentionally. It would be ridiculous to think that anybody had wished her to have that kind of life. Buffy surely wanted her sister to lead a normal life and to protect her, but it had been impossible to keep all the slayage, the vampire-love-affairs and apocalypses away from her. And now it was too late for that.
At first she considered going back to the chasm to look for Anya or Spike. Maybe they had made it in the end? Maybe they were too weak to get up and show themselves and say "Hey guys, we're still alive!" - Okay, in Spike's case still undead - "Everything is gonna be all right again!" But it was foolish to believe that and she couldn't live in denial anymore. Spike would go up in flames in the sunlight anyway and if she had heard correctly what Andrew had told Giles, Anya was slashed in two pieces. Dawn shuddered at the image.
Checking her purse, she found she still had twenty dollars; that would do to get a bus ticket and go somewhere. Whereto exactly didn't matter, she just wanted to get away. But the problem was to find a bus station. Three quarters of Sunnydale consisted now of a huge hole, and they weren't many people left, either. They had all fled. Something she was tempted to do, too. But she hadn't let Xander drive her away, not like Buffy wanted.
Dawn didn't want to be useless. She definitely was not a potential slayer, but she had felt the duty to help them stop the apocalypse and not to stay away like a coward.
And now? How could she help them now? Even if she regretted immediately what she had just thought, she was positive that she was as ineffective as Xander. He as well had no special powers like Willow or wisdom like Giles. He had a good heart, but what good was that to fight the forces of evil? How many times had Buffy have to rescue him and Dawn just because they had been inattentive and stupid?
Determination ended the flow of these rhetorical questions and Dawn slowly detached herself from the group. The urge to get away was so strong that she didn't wonder how on earth she was going to find a bus station nearby. Neither did she give thought to the fact that Buffy could easily outrun her as soon as she noticed that Dawn was missing.
But her attempt to sneak away proved to be in vain anyway because Buffy chose that moment to come back to herself and address the others.
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to find the nearest motel and get a good night's sleep. Or three," Buffy said grinning.
Dawn couldn't quite believe her ears. Of course, they were all weary to the bone and deserved to finally rest, but couldn't they just take a few more moments to think about those they had lost? And, Dawn thought spitefully, how was she going to get away unnoticed now?
She decided that her plan to leave the group had to wait. There would be time to sneak away at a later time, as she was ignored a lot anyway.
Meanwhile, they others had started an argument on where to head now. Most of them agreed that L.A. was the nearest and cheapest place to stay for a while, since Angel would surely welcome them warmly at the Hyperion. But Buffy didn't seem to like the idea, for whatever reasons, Dawn could only guess. She had thought, along with the rest of the Scoobies, that Buffy and Angel had stopped being awkward around one another after all this time.
"You see, it's not that I mind staying at Angel's place for a while. I just think this is an opportunity for us to go elsewhere for a while. I mean, we could just take a break before we have to go to Cleveland," Buffy exclaimed in a whiny tone. "A vacation in… well, somewhere that's not L.A."
"Alright, B., I don't give a damn about your problems choosing a motel or whatever that's as far away from your ex-honey as possible, just because you can't work out your boyfriend-issues. What I do care about is getting to a hospital. Robin needs medical care. Now." When Buffy started to protest, Faith cut her off. "What is wrong with you? You want more casualties? Is that it?"
"Faith is right, Buffy. It's no use standing here and arguing anyway. As soon as everybody is taken care of, we can still decide where to go," Xander said, his eyes pleading with Buffy to agree. Dawn was sure that he just couldn't bear to stay at the place where Anya had died any longer.
She wondered what was going on with Buffy. Was she losing her mind over the loss of Spike? Dawn knew that her sister had had deep feelings for him, whatever she might say.
Finally, Buffy agreed. She looked a bit embarrassed about not thinking of the pain Robin must have been in. So they all made their way back to the schoolbus.
~*~
According to the doctor, Robin and the remaining potentials had no serious injuries and they didn't have to stay in the hospital. Dawn noticed the look of relief on Faith's face and wondered what was going on between them. She never would have guessed that Faith would ever care about anybody else like that, but she pushed the thought away. No time for speculations.
"So, we do have to consider what we're gonna do now". Dawn spoke for the first time and everybody turned around, which made her a little uncomfortable. "I mean, are we heading for Angel's?" She was already dreading Buffy's reaction.
Her sister seemed to be lost in thought, as she snapped out of her reverie. "Yes, I guess that'd be the best solution for the next time", she said flatly. "Any objections?" They all shook their heads. "Ok, let's go, guys!" Commando!Buffy was back again, but it felt somehow good to have a leader. It just felt normal. But actually nothing would be the same again.
When Giles was driving the schoolbus, Dawn took a seat next to Buffy after some time. "Are you all right?" Dawn asked, looking concerned. Buffy hadn't spoken a single word since they had started their journey to L.A. "Well, I'm not thrilled by the idea of going to see Angel, either, but…" She didn't know how to finish.
"No, that's okay. It's just… there's so much to do, finding all the other slayers, training them and such things. And Spike, oh my God Spike!" Dawn saw Buffy fighting back her tears and she reached out to embrace her tightly.
"Shhh, don't you remember? He always wanted to go down in a fight and he sacrificed himself to save the whole world! He had the best ending he could have wished for!" Dawn said, trying to console her beloved sister.
"I told him! I told him and he didn't believe me!" Buffy said in between sobs.
"You told him what?" Dawn inquired. But as she looked into those big green eyes, she knew what she was talking about. "Oh … Buffy, I'm sure he was aware of the feelings you had for him."
"Then why did he…? Oh God, I'm such a fool!" Releasing Dawn, Buffy sat back in her seat and slowly calmed down.
Dawn stared at the passing landscape, all that had not been destroyed looked almost peaceful. Surely, they would soon arrive and she still had not found a solution how to get away. Right now, Buffy seemed to need her and it felt horribly wrong to leave her. On the other hand, her sister could deal with her problems quite well. She closed her eyes and tried not to think about anything.
Tbc