We were 5 when we first met. They moved right next to our house and seeing that we're at the same age, it was predictable that we will be friends and so were our parents. At first I thought it was a good thing, well… It was and is for most of the people, but our families being close worked against me some how. When? When I started noticing things I hope I didn't; wished that never became aware of. But I guess, world is just sometimes cruel.
*****
We were 6 when we carved our names on the tree house where her tree house was. It took us months to finish it because being young, of course, we weren't allowed to even touch a knife and so we used forks. But it paid off, because we got to finish carving our names and the words 'Best Friends Forever' under it.
I can still remember her eyes lit up with joy. She was so happy, that she started jumping up and down. Her smile was infectious and so I did too, and even joined her in jumping. Thinking about it, I think I can safely say that we most probably looked like idiots at the time. But who can blame us? We were just kids after all.
But even then, even at that age, one simple gesture fro her started all the things that I didn't want to notice, didn't want to know and above all… didn't want to feel.
After we got tired from laughing and jumping around. We both stopped, still wearing our goofy face, when suddenly hers became serious. She just looked at me, even gazed at me. I didn't know what that look meant but I started feeling a little uncomfortable and was about to ask her to quit what she was doing, when suddenly she leaned and give my lips the quickest of kiss. I looked at her after she pulled back. That was my first kiss. I knot it could be just nothing. It could just because we were both over-joyed. It was most probably a friendship thing, since we were really young to know what else there was could be. But it was the start of everything for me. She might not even think of it after. It might not mean anything to her like it did to me. She probably didn't feel the same feeling it gave me when our lips touch which at that time I couldn't really figure out what kind of feeling. Heck! She might not even remember it happening. But I did. I remembered. And, I wish is didn't. I wish I'd forget.
*****
When I turned 8, that was when I realised that she was my soul mate. Of course, back then, I only knew soul mate as someone you always want to be with, someone you laugh with, someone that you can share every secrets and everything, someone you can imagine sharing the rest of your life with. And for me, it was her. Always has been.
I woke up on the day of my birthday with her face smiling at me. That was when I also realised that I didn't ever want to wake up with someone else's face greeting me. I just want hers and hers alone.
She prepared me breakfast in bed and brought her gift to me, which she proudly said she bought out of her own pocket money. It was the sweetest thing. In her box was a little bear and under it was a lot of lollies and confetti of flowers that smelled really nice. I didn't think I received a better gift than hers. People might say there was a lot that was better but the box she had given me, would always be my favourite. But she doesn't know that. No body knew. And no one will know. No one will now that I swore to forever treasure her gift; the box, the confetti and the bear.
******
I was 10 when I started acknowledging the unusual feeling I have for her. Lots of boys vocally announced their interest in her and me but while she, I think enjoyed the attention somehow, it however annoyed me. I never like boys and always have something against them. But even thought my best friend was ok with them, she however would always be beside me and supported me in whatever I say. She never questioned, she never wondered, she just stood by my side and would always agree.
That was one of the many things I love about her. Yes. I love her. At the young age of 10, I knew I love her. And even though I was still trying to figure out what it was that I feel for her, I knew nevertheless that it was love. A different kind of love.
*****
At 11, I decided to accept that I was different. While everyone in my friends, including her were all about boys, I on the other hand didn't care and never cared. I didn't notice boys that way they do and I still dislike them. I still think see them as messy and smelly and always all over the place. But I do have guy friends, I just didn't like them the way that I should.
My other friends wondered what was wrong with me. But my best friend didn't. She said that she would never question nor wonder because she accepts me for who I am. And that statement, again, was one of the sweetest I have ever heard. It made me feel secure. It gave me the courage to be who I am and be what I am, for I know I will always be accepted. It didn't matter to me about everyone else's opinions; I knew I'd have her. I knew she'll accept me and that was good enough for me. I didn't need everyone. I just need her.
It was then at the age of 11 that I realises I will never like boys in that way. And believe me or not, as soon as I figured it out, I didn't give it a second thought and I told my parents. They both laughed at me at first and I nearly cried 'cause it made me feel like they didn't take me seriously. But seeing how serious I was and how teary I got, they then looked at me seriously. And unlike other parents, my parents accepted me and told me that I am their daughter and nothing can ever change that and that they will support me and will love me no less and for that I was grateful and still am.
I thought then that my life was perfect and I was happy. I thought nothing could go wrong. My parents accepted me and love me unconditionally; my best friend too said she does accept me for whoever I wanted to be. And at the same time I finally figured out the feelings I have for her. I love her. I was in love with her.
But not long and I was proven wrong. Something could go wrong. My life wasn't perfect. Why? Because I think she knew.
******
12 years old when she had her firs boyfriend. One afternoon, I walked home alone. She told me she needed to talk to someone and asked me to go ahead and I did. I was home for almost and hour and half and was almost drifting off to sleep when I heard our doorbell rang relentlessly. I ran downstairs to open the door knowing it was her and I was right. It was her and as soon as the door swung open, she immediately threw herself at me, giving me a bear hug that almost chokes the life out of me. But I wasn't complaining, I was actually grateful.
After squeezing the life out of me, she then pulled me up to my room, saying she has something to tell me. I followed her, eager to know what she was so excited about; and once I closed the door behind me; my best friend. The girl I love. The girl I knew I was in love with, blurted out that she now has a boyfriend.
I literally fell apart. I had to lean back against the door so I won't fall onto the floor. She didn't notice though. She didn't notice that she for the first time broke me. Broke my heart. For the first time, I got my heart broke and she was too excited to notice it and I was too broken to hear one thing she said.
I didn't know hoe, but eventually I was able to pull myself together and pretended to listen, all the while clutching my heart literally, making it looked like I had too hold it because I was laughing too hard. Hard enough that it made me teary; little did she know that it was real tears from my eyes. At least I knew that, that was what she thought it was. Tears from laughing hard and not because I was hurting, hearing the details on how they got together.
She stayed until late and even had dinner with us. I knew somehow that she wanted me to invite her to stay the night but I didn't. At that moment I'd give anything to be anywhere near her. I needed to be alone badly. I needed to be on my own and grieve. Grieve that at such young age, before I even get the chance to enjoy what love has to offer, it already crashed me. Crashed my very young heart. And although I know that whatever they have was just a kid's thing, it still hurt me, because it proved me that I am the best friend. The closest one to her but not close enough to be 'with' her.
******
We were 13 when she and her boyfriend for 5 months went on a proper date. It was a week before our summer vacation finishes. I remembered it well because the pain I felt that night, still aches as if it only just happened yesterday.
On the night of her first official date, she asked me to help her. She asked me to choose the best clothes for her to wear and I did. I personally wanted to pick the most inappropriate and turned off clothes for her for the night, but I didn't. Despite myself really never liking the idea of her going on a date with someone other than me, never in my dreams would I embarrassed her. So I chose the best dress she has in her closet. I even did her make up and her hair.
While I was putting on some light make up on her pretty face, I tried so hard to not look in her eyes that I knew was looking at me intently. The same look she always gives me when we were alone in silence. The one I could never read. She was staring at me and I could seriously feel it. I almost succeeded not looking at her eyes though, I almost did but I failed. I failed when I was applying lip-gloss on her lips what was protruding a little. It was like it was inviting me to kiss it; the full sot lips that, long time ago kissed me for a fraction of a second. I was mesmerised but before I could lose control, I averted my eyes. I averted it and unfortunately for me, it caught her eyes.
Once our eyes met, I found out. I found out that she knew. She knew what I was feeling. I knew she knew because I could see it in her eyes. In her eyes were the sad looks I have never seen before. It was sad and was as if apologising, as if saying sorry. I nearly cried. I nearly did. Thanks to their doorbell that she missed to see the single tear that escaped my eye when she turned and broke our gaze.
She turned and was on her feel to the door of her room in no time, not looking back at me. She went down the stairs to greet her boyfriend and again I was crashed. I saw it and with a heavy heart, I forced myself to follow her. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I heard her saying goodbye to her parents her arm linked with his. Before leaving, she finally turned to look at me. She had a smile on her lips but didn't reach her eyes. Her eyes only showed me she knew and how she was sorry. When our eyes met, I was pleading to her with my eyes to turn away, to get herself away from that boy and tell him to get lost. But that was just of course my wishful thinking, knowing that even if I plead vocally, it won't change a thing.
My best friend is straight and has a boyfriend. And that left me no chance. No chance at all.
After they left, I waited. I waited for a while, still secretly hoping she would come back and tell me wanted to spend time with me than waste it with him. But she didn't. She didn't and then I left for go home, wearing my broken to pieces heart.
*****
In high school we slightly drifted a part for a while. I didn't know how it happened. One day I just woke up and I'm hanging around with the sporty type of people while she found herself with the brainy type but not too nerdy that they were still considered cool.
We hardly spent time together at school, with her study group and leadership camp going on and with me going to practice for volleyball, surfing and my music, it was almost impossible for us to hang. If people didn't know that we were next-door neighbours, no one would know that we actually knew each other exist. That was how we were for a while. But on the weekend, we made a point to spend as much time hanging out with each other as possible and it only got better when she and her boyfriend broke up.
One weekend, I woke up with her face looking and smiling at me like an idiot. In her hand was a new teddy bear. It made me remember my 8th birthday, but this time was different. For starter it wasn't my birthday although she gave me a new teddy like what she always does on my birthdays and x-mass and some random days like today, and she wasn't the girl with pig-tails anymore but rather a young lady who is growing more beautiful each day.
She again was looking at me with that look I was still finding hard to figure out. Her eyes were twinkling with glee. I didn't know then, why, but before I could ask her, she already blurted out that she and her boyfriend broke up. I literally blinked like 5 times to make sure I'm not dreaming and that I heard her correct. She must've figured out what I was doing and what was going in my head because she chuckled and said it was true and that I wasn't dreaming. I wondered why she seemed so happy when she should be sad. I wanted to ask her, but I waited. I figured it would be the best to do, since my heart was still doing summersault at that time. And not long and she explained, while she place the bear close to my heart, she said that they broke up because she wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with him. She said that what they have was lacking something and she knew she wouldn't know what it was until she found it and she wouldn't find it if they are still together. I didn't really get what she said but I remained quiet. I remembered myself just nodding and just staring at her. She was staring back at me too, looking into my eyes with that look. Her look and the way she was looking at me felt intense and warm at the same time. It was making me comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. I tried to keep my gaze but I couldn't. I was that afraid that I continued, she'd see. She'd see how happy I am that they broke up. She'd see the one thing I know she knew but never dared to ask. That she'd see and confirmed it more; that I'm in love with her.
*****
After she and her boyfriend broke up, we started hanging out more. She had more spare time to spend with me. Although it was mostly spent with her watching me ride the waves. But she didn't mind though, she said she liked it that we were able to hang out together feeling peaceful and comfortable without shedding a word and still able to do the things we love doing. So she didn't mind at all 'cause while I work my arse off riding the perfect waves of Summer Bay, she was busy writing. I didn't know what about but she was always writing. I wanted to read it and wanted to know what was it about but she would always just winked and say it was a secret that if she tells me, she would have to kill me. As if it will stop me, but then one of her statement did. She said she'll let me read it but I need to tell her my deepest secret that she knew I have but wouldn't tell her. With that, I stop bugging her about what she was writing, saying that it wouldn't hurt to keep some things to ourselves. I saw the disappointment in her eyes, I wanted to tell her but I couldn't. I couldn't risk our friendship, knowing that she is straight and would never feel the same. Call me coward but I don't think there will be a perfect time to tell her, meaning I will end up not telling her at all.
In school we spend our morning tea break with our own group of friends, but at lunchtime, we eat together somewhere far from everyone, and we would talk about anything and everything under the sun. It was always a comfortable conversation and while we got more comfortable with each other again, my feelings for her grew. It grew more every day and although it scared me, I let it. I let it grow; secretly hoping and deluding myself that she will feel it too. That she will accept the thing that she knew about me but never confirmed and maybe develop the same feeling and realise that we're perfect for each other. That we're the one that is meant to be.
But of course, that was a wishful thinking; wish that would never come true. A wish that could never come true. A wish that she will never grant. A wish that would always break my heart. And it did.
After months of being single, lots and lots of guys showed their interest in her and one of them succeeded in getting noticed. Next thing I knew, she agreed on one date and one followed by two. Until I came back from a surfing tournament with other schools, finding out that she again was going out with this particular guy that she agreed to go on a date to.
I was just 15 and still young and yet I had my heart broken many times as though I have been an adult. She told me that this time, nothing would change because we will still hang out like what we used to do. And we did. And whenever I think about it, I always ask myself if I'd preferred it that we don't hand out as much when she's in a relationship because the more we hang out with her boyfriend by her side, the more I feel weak. We did hang out just as much, although this time, there was this guy that always has his arm on her shoulder.
There came a point when, every time I looked at her, I bravely showed her how unhappy I am. But I think she chose to ignore or she maybe didn't notice. I really didn't know, but I knew I showed it. I showed her with my eyes. But maybe chances that she didn't notice was higher since my eyes hardly ever showed happiness.
I am the best friend and he was the boyfriend. I was closer to her but not allowed to love her and he was not even half as much as close but was allowed to shower her with love and adoration freely. It wasn't fair. But life and love was never fair I guess.
*****
One day I decided to move on. I thought that I could start seeing people and move on from the trap that she set on me without even knowing.
There was a senior who were on our surfing team; a girl who always looks at me and complimented me. One afternoon after the practice, I was left to fix up everything, as it was my turn. She offered to stay behind and I, of course, refused to at first but relented anyway as I realised that she was one who doesn't take no for an answer. When were done, she asked me if I wanted to join her for a walk. I was shocked that someone as beautiful and talented as her would wasn't to waste time with me. I was flattered and I agreed. Half way through the walk, while the sin was settling and the tide was changing, she stopped and faced me. I just looked at her startled and before I knew what was happening, she cupped my cheeks and kissed me. I didn't respond at first but her lips were so soft and very inviting that I found myself kissing back. It was nice. It didn't give me butterflies, but it was good. When we pulled away, she stared at me and told me that she'd wanted to do that since she saw me and that she was very thrilled that I got into the team. She said that she never asked a girl out before, because it was always the other around and mostly it was either her age or bit older, but she said I was different. And then she asked me out a little nervously I think as I can hint it in her voice. She said that if I'd be willing to give her a chance.
I debated with my head and my heart while I look at her. My heart tole me not to, 'cause It knew I will never be able to return the feeling as much, but my head told me to give it a try. To gave my heart a little rest from all the pain and try to move on and let someone else take her chance to have a place in my heart. Someone that I could freely love and adore. Someone that could return my feelings. The voice in my head was stronger and so I agreed and there I had my first girlfriend. Skye.
******
We've been dating for a month when my best friend found out about me and my girlfriend. She noticed that I hang less with her and more with Skye and although I know she wondered, I also knew that she thought that was because we were practicing surfing. I also really didn't bother telling her nor bringing the topic up and wasn't because I didn't want her to know. It was just awkward. It was probably the same feeling when she was the one telling me about her boy friend. She always has the look whenever she informs me about her new relationship. So I guess was just trying to get away from the awkwardness as much as possible. But of course I couldn't keep it long, can I? We live in a small town where everyone knew everyone so… to keep my relationship to my best friend for a month was I think the longest time that anyone had kept something before it blew off.
It was on a Sunday morning and I was in a hurry to meet up with Skye on the beach to catch the early waves when, I was stopped by my best friend. I was standing just outside our house door with my board in my arm looking at her. At her whose eyes were piercing deep into mine. She didn't say anything for a while and when she didn't, she jumped straight to the point. She asked me if it was true. I knew straight away what she was talking about, but I played dumb and told her that I really really need to get going. I was gonna walked pass her when she stopped me and asked again;
"Is it true?"
"What?"
"You're dating your senior?"
I looked at her, trying to read her expression, but again failed. I couldn't read her. She was wearing a look that I couldn't read. There was a time when I could read her like a book, but not this time.
"Yes."
I told her. I see no point denying. As much as it hurts me, the fact that she has a boyfriend and I see no point why I should be question when I finally decided to see someone else. I knew she knew. I knew she could see it in my eyes, I knew that even without confirming it, she knew I love her and she still chose to break my heart and never once did I ask her why. I never ask 'cause as much as it hurts, I accepted somehow that I am the best friend. 'Friend' being the key word.
She nodded her head and turned to walk away without much of a word. I watched her made her way to their house. Half of me wanted to follow her, half me kept reminding myself to go and meet Skye. After a few seconds of debating with my inner desire, I came to a decision. And I was going to make a move when I heard my girlfriend's voice calling out for me. I turned to see her, jogging up towards me. I turned to look at my best friend who kept walking the opposite direction. Sighing I made my way to greet Skye and we walked hand in hand towards the beach.
The next day I was really bored and uncomfortable. I was in my room studying my ceiling when I heard someone entering my room and when I turned I saw her. She was smiling her beautiful smile. I smile back, although I was actually wondering what just happened. Yesterday, it was as though she was upset and now she was looking cheerful. I watched her place herself beside me and then I realised that maybe, she really wasn't upset and it was just my wishful thinking that she was, silently thinking that she might have been jealous. But again, I was proven wrong.
After some deafening silence, she spoke and declared that she wanted to meet my girlfriend. I asked why even though what I really wanted to say was 'ok'. I guess my curiosity got the better of me.
"Because at the moment I don't like her."
That was what she said without a blink. I almost broke my neck when I turned to look at her. Did I hear her correct? Why would she not like Skye when they haven't been introduced yet? That was my brain asking and then there was my heart that secretly thought that maybe she was indeed jealous. Maybe she doesn't like her because she wants you all to herself. I was liking the wishful thinking of my heart, but best friend continued to talk.
"I don't know her and I want to get to know her. I she is to date and go out with my best friend, I need to make sure that you are in good hands."
She explained, still flashing me her smile. The smile that used to make my heart skip a beat or two is now breaking my heart (if it was even safe to say, since my heart was never been whole in first place). I smiled at her, and thanked her for being protective of me and agreed to introduce Skye to her. I smiled at her while my brain what chastising my heart for always wishing, for always allowing some hope when there was none.
After I agreed, she then got off the bed and stood. She then took a teddy bear out of her school bag and gave it to me before heading out of the door. I thanked her again and again wondered why she loves giving me teddy bears. There wasn't any particular, just a bear, if has different sized and colours but nevertheless, teddy bear. Fluffy, soft, cuddly and cute stuff toy, teddy bear.
******
She ended up liking Skye and also ended up always hanging with us. I sometimes wondered why would she preferred to hand out with me and my girlfriend, instead of her boyfriend, but I always reprimand myself from thinking too much of it. I kept reminding myself that I'm trying to move on from her and with Skye. But I hate to admit that she's making it too hard for me. I already got myself a girlfriend and on track of moving on, but then she started spending more and more time with us and while she does, Skye was getting a bit off because we hardly got time alone together and my attention was always divided between her and my best friend and I found myself sometimes in an awkward situation between them. I still couldn't figure out what was so awkward but the tension was for sure was there.
It was on a valentines day and Skye and me were having a romantic date n the diner when one of my friends came bursting through the door, looking for me. Of course it didn't took her a minute before locating me, and she hurriedly came over and told me that my best friend needed me badly. I stood up quickly and followed my friend, thinking Skye would be behind me. But I was wrong. When I turned to hold Skye's hand, she wasn't there and then I realised that Skye was still in her chair. I walked back to her and asked her what was she still doing there and she just looks at me with tears threatening to fall from her eyes. My heart aches for her and I kneeled down, asking her what was wrong.
"She needed you. Not me." She said.
"But, aren't you coming with me? She was your friend too."
I looked at her, frowning. I didn't understand then what was happening, until I head her talk again.
"Go. She needs you."
"Why aren't you coming with me? Why are you crying? She needs me now, but I can see that you're not ok and… you need me too?"
I asked her unsure of the last part, while begging her to look at me. I was holding her hands but she wasn't reciprocating, she just lets me holds hers. She didn't answer me, instead she obliged and turned to me and showed me her face, stained with tears. I knew she was crying but seeing her face and eyes, it downed on me.
"We're breaking up aren't we?" I asked her meekly; my eyes starting to well up as well.
I didn't love her as much but care for her and loved her enough, that it hurts me to say goodbye and end things between us all of a sudden.
"I can no longer compete. I'm tired. I tried my best to win you but I failed. This is the battle that I've already lose even before it start. Now, go. She needs you and you obviously needed her too."
That was what she said before pulling her hands away from mine and fully turned her back on me. I stayed there on my knees, until the friend that told me about my best friend came over me and ushered me to get up, gently helping me back on my feet. I stood up, still not walking away though; I just stood there still looking at Skye's back, with tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry."
I whispered before I left and followed my friend. I realised she knew. She knew all along and she still chose to take her chance and be with me knowing that my heart was already with someone else. On my way to the Surf club, I wiped my tears away. I hated myself for hurting Skye. I hated myself for not being able to love her the way she deserves to be love. Above all, I hate myself for not moving on at all.
*****
That night I found my best friend, drunk. That was the first time any of us saw her in such state. I took her home… well, I took her to my home, knowing how her parents will react if they find out what their daughter had stupidly done.
I took her to my room and laid her on the bed. I changed her clothes and washed her face with warm water and watcher her sleep as I did. Her eyes were close, her breathing was steady and calm and her lips were hanging a bit open and looking very kissable. I was sure she was deep I her sleep and there told her. I told her what she already knew but couldn't confirm.
"I love you. Do you know that? I love you more than a friend should. More than a best friend should. But I couldn't tell you and I think I will never have the courage to tell you. But then again, I know you already knew anyway. I know you do. And maybe I should thank you for not asking. For not bringing that topic up." I sighed heavily feeling very stupid talking to a sleeping person.
"I wanna hate you, do you know? I wanted to hate you for always breaking my heart. For making me your best friend. For keeping me close, so close enough for me to fall for you deeply everyday but at the same time, close enough to not be allowed to freely love you more that a friend should. I wanna hate you for not allowing me to move on. I know you knew how much influence and power you have on me and that's why I know why even though you know that I was on date tonight, you still asked for me. You did, 'cause you knew I would come. I just don't know why you'd do that. Why did you? You know she broke up with me. She said that she couldn't compete with you. There wasn't a competition though. I was her girlfriend, but I guess, she knew that I could never match the love that she has for me. I loved her too, you know? Just not as much. But I swear I wanted to. I wanted to give her my heart. But, how can I huh? How can I, when I already gave it to you. Even though it's broken, it still didn't stop beating for you. Even though you never notice, even though you never accepted. I gave it to you, and though I wanted to take it back, I wouldn't. I couldn't. You wont let me. You wont 'cause every time I tried you always have your way of clinging on to it. Why?
Anyway, I still couldn't hate you. I didn't have the courage to, nor the will. How can I? You've been a part of my life since the day when I couldn't even spell my name nor pronounce it properly yet. To hate you means to remove you from my life and that would mean taking the soul out of me. It's crazy that someone could love someone at a very young age such as mine, only to watch the love of her life be smitten by others. I love and hate to be your best friend and I hate that I love you so much that that I'd rather be a best friend than nothing at all."
That was what I told her. I bare my heart bravely 'cause I know she wasn't conscious. And even if she was, at least I didn't know. I continued to watch her sleep for a while until the night's event finally took its toll. I quickly washed up and prepared for bed, but when I was to get in, I contemplated on sleeping next to her or just be comfortable on the small couch I have in my room.
We have slept side by side before and it was ok, but now, it didn't feel quite right. Now that I just confessed everything and she was stupidly drunk. It felt like I will take advantage if I sleep next to her. So, I didn't and just made myself comfortable enough on the couch for me to sleep.
******
The next day, I learnt that her boyfriend dumped her. I was furious with that stupid guy and even more furious with her for even shedding a tear for that bastard. But, I didn't say anything. After all, who am I to judge?
After she told me what happened, I told her mine. She said sorry non-stop, but I kept saying not to worry about it. She said she felt so guilty and even want to talk to Skye to explain, but I said don't bother. I mean, Skye and me were bound to end some how, so I guess I accepted that it was sooner rather than later or I might've ended up hurting her more.
In turn though, she promised to make it up to me and she did. We were once again inseparable. Inseparable enough that we were able to joined both our group of friends into one, so we could spend tea break together as well.
Time passes us by quickly and we just woke up and found ourselves attending the year 10 formal together (as friends) 'cause we were the only single ones in our group. Honestly, I didn't mind at all. I was happy. For me, she was my date and that was like a dream come true. Although it wasn't totally, still, I could fool myself enough with that illusion that she was my date. I know it was stupid, since I once again had put my heart on the line, but I couldn't stop myself from hoping. I knew how it ended before, but I guess I am that desperately in love with her that I can't stop myself from hoping and wishing and from doing the same mistake over again.
That night, we ate, we laughed, we dance and we talked until the night ended and it was time to go home. Our ride dropped us in front of my house, but neither of us was tired enough to call it the night so we decided to go for a walk down to the beach. We walked to the beach in a comfortable silence, until we reached the shore and there we both sat next to each other, close enough that our arms were actually touching.
That night she made me promise. I didn't know why, but she made me promise and I did.
"Promise me?" she said while cupping my cheek, urging my head to turn and look at her; my heart begun to beat rapidly. There was something in that simple touch that made me feel jolts of electricity that went straight to my heart.
I turned and there her eyes caught mine. Her hand still on my cheek and if I will allow myself to think about it, I would say she was caressing it ever so gently that almost unnoticeable.
"Promise me…"
She said again, looking deep into my eyes. I swear at that moment, she could ask me to promise her to give her the world and I will. I will promise her no matte how impossible that was.
"Promise me, you will never leave me. Promise me you will always be by my side. Promise me?"
I looked at her and I know with a frown on my forehead.
'How can she think that I will leave her? She already broke my heart time and again I stuck by her. I sis, I kept myself firmly beside her no matter how much it sometimes or most of the time hurts me. How can she think I will be able to leave her? Or even live without her by my side? It was like, we were together since the day I can remember and me without her will be just too… unnormal.' I thought to myself, until she interrupted my musings.
"Promise me?" she asked again and I nodded.
I kept my eyes looking at her, even though I was scared that she would see the truth and all the truth in my eyes. But, still I kept my stare, my gaze and saw that she wasn't convince with just my nod.
"I promise. I promise I will never leave you. I promise I will always be by your side. I will not go anywhere." I said.
She smiled at me. She smiled her happy smile. The one she only gives to me. The one that never failed to take my breath away. She smiled and then threw herself on me, wrapping me tightly around her arms. I smiled too. I smiled and hugged her back, even though I know together with that promise was the knowledge that I signed up for my lifetime of hurting and pain, knowing that I am beside her and yet will never be lucky enough to have her that I wanted to.
"I love you."
I heard her whispered, and my eyes shut opened and my heart begun to beat faster that, I kind of found it hard to breathe for a while. I guess she sensed it or if not, I am sure she could feel the rapidly beating of my heart. 'Cause she started to caress my back as if trying to sooth it and I smiled again at her gesture that seemed to have worked because I did started breathing normal again. My body voluntarily relaxed and my eyes involuntarily closed.
"I love you too…" I whispered back. While I know hers was for friendship, I knew mine meant more and I knew she knew. She have known for long.
******
That night on the beach was yet the best night of my life. Again, my stupid heart had hope that something more could develop. It continued to hope and wish. I continued to let my heart be on the line again and who would want to guess what happened to it?
Hah! Yes! It got broken again.
It was the first week of term 4 for use year 11's (considering year 12 according to the teachers since year 12 are no longer in school) when a transfer guy came. The guy that I could never blame but hated so much. The guy that made her falls in love. The guy that swift her off her feet. The guy I could never call the name. I couldn't because it hurts too much.
Again we drifted apart. But in her defence, it was because of me. I have to give it to her that she did try her best to balance her time, even though I was painfully aware that her boyfriend wasn't ok with it. I heard from a vine that he complained to one of his friends about my best friend bothering to manage her time just to keep her friendship with me. Well, he never really liked me and I could safely say that the feeling was mutual. We never got along and we both stopped trying. I don't know about him, maybe because of my sexuality or the fact that my say has so much influence on my best friend, but I know why I didn't get along with him. And that was because he was the one that made my best friend fall in love. Sure she had boyfriends before, but she never looked at them the way she looks at him now and that hurts me a lot more than before. To think I should get used to the hurt, but who can get used to it?
I saw how happy my best friend was to finally fall in love and I also saw how it saddened her that her boyfriend and I couldn't get along. And so I made the decision to stay away. Away from them, from her. I finally gave up. My heart finally got enough and was now acknowledging how tired it was from hoping, from clinging on some small hopes. I finally managed to have the strength to space myself away, enough that I would be able to try and begin my healing, as much as it was impossible, and still close enough that she wouldn't notice my distance. After all, I promised her.
******
In my bid to move on, I landed myself to another girlfriend and another and another. None of them lasted very long. Why? Partly because of her, still, because I couldn't commit to them as much as they want me to, and partly because I was chasing my dream. Long gone was my surfing stage; long gone was my time for music. This time I was all planning my future career. The dream I know I can pursue and can make it come true.
I was studying had and focusing. I go out with friend from time to time but not as much as they want me to. Somehow it helped me, 'cause sometimes I could get away with a day not thinking of her or her boyfriend. Of course, I still get my heart more shuttered when we all hand out (that I guess was the downfall of getting our groups combined) but at lease I was able to distract myself. Somehow, I was able to protect my broken into pieces heart but focussing on something else and keeping my secure distance from them. Who would've thought that studying could protect the heart, huh?
******
Almost all thought year 12 though, I almost got away with my distancing scheme. Although I sometimes felt that she knew what I was doing, the way she looks at me n lunchtime whenever I decided to join them. But I can never be sure because she never gave me any more hints that would lead me to believe that she knew. Or maybe she really does and just let me, to spare me from getting hurt. Either way, I'm just grateful.
However, it didn't stayed that way. It was after our HSC trials that our friends found out what I wanted to do after year 12 and of course the news got to her too. And that was it. Scheme finished.
The day she found out, she charged over to my house and to my room asking why I chose that career. I told her because that is what I wanted to do. She stared at me and even eyed me, as if trying to see if I was telling the truth. I was. And so, she asked me if I am aware that they only have the course I want in the city and I told her yes.
She then went quiet and just sat on my bed, her head was down and I couldn't see her face.
"You promised," she muttered.
I looked at her. I couldn't believe it. I know I did promise, but I will only be away for a couple of year or so and that was because of my career. And yet it was as if she was holding me from reaching my dream and that was because I promise to be by her side always. I was upset, because she was being selfish. She didn't want me to leave and yet she did nothing this days but to continuously cause me nothing but pain that I never ask for and I believe didn't deserve at all.
She then turned and looked at me and there I saw her face. She was crying and her eyes hold only one emotion. One feeling. She was looking scared. Of what? I wouldn't know. But seeing her like that melted my heart. Sure my heart already gave up, but it didn't stop loving her. I guess it would never will.
"Fine. I'll try and look for another career." I said.
The words were out even before I thought it through. I knew it was stupid of me to change and threw away what I was working so hard on, just so I could keep my promise so literally. But I was never smart when it comes to her. Again, I wanted to hate her because I was sure that she used her power on me. I hated her because I couldn't figure out why she does that. I was so sure that she could live and survive without me, so why the hell does she want me around? Why?
She smiled at me, but her smile didn't reach her eyes. I just nodded. I couldn't brink myself to smile back even a fake one 'cause I felt so drained. So, so, tired. And I know she could sense that. I know she could feel that. I just hope she also knew how unfair she was being.
She stayed in my room for a while, and tried to coax me to a conversation but I wasn't really in the mood for anything. I didn't even want to open my mouth, but I didn't want to be rude, so I still answer whenever she has a question. I guess later on she sensed that I wasn't really in my good mood for anything so she decided to leave saying that she needed to finish her assessment. Again I nodded, and then she left, but not before giving me another teddy bear. I looked at the bear when she left, and then looked around my room that has teddy bears around all it. There's one on every corner, both big and small, on my chair, my bed, and my study table, on my bookshelf, everywhere. Sighing I put the bear beside the other teddy bears on my bed and closed my eyes.
******
To my dismay, not only was I forced by myself to change my chosen path because of her, she also kept me close to her. Literally close to her. The distance that I made that she chose to let go before was no longer applicable. I wanted to space myself away a little but she wouldn't let me. If she didn't see me seating with them at lunch, she will look for me until she finds me. If I didn't seat next to her in class that we both have, she will move and seat next to me. If we're hanging out in the diner or surf club and I wasn't seating next to her, she will literally swap seat with the one next to me and seat beside me, with an improvised excused that she needed to tell me something or whatever.
If it was at a different time, I would be ecstatic by her effort. But this time I wasn't. It didn't thrill me, not by one bit. Because as much as I was upset with her, it still didn't matched up to how upset I am with myself, for not being able to be upset with her enough to stop loving her, so I would stop hurting too.
She was always beside me and her boyfriend always beside her and I was in the hardest place to be; beside the woman I love but cannot have… can ever have.
******
We graduated and everyone was happy. All the graduates and their families all gathered in the surf club celebrating. I was there too and she was too with both our parents. Everyone was talking about what they will do after the HSC exams; some said they will go straight to work; some will go to Uni, some in TAFE.
My Dad who was very proud of what I wanted to do also said his piece about what he felt. My Mum beamed at me, looking very proud as well, but I guess both them saw it in my eyes that even though I was smiling and laughing, the joy never reached my eyes. 'Cause in truth, I was sad. And my best friend could see it too. I knew she does know, but she never said anything and I was left there, telling my parents that I'm still open for other options. They both looked at me like I have grown another head but just nodded. They told me that whatever will make me happy, the will support me, because they love me.
With them saying that, I saw my best friend looked away. I guess my parents' statement hit a nerve. Of course, why wouldn't? She was holding back from doing what I want and she was supposed to be my best friend. She said she loves me and whether be it for friendship of not, the point was if she does mean it, then why trap me with the promise I made. And to think that it wasn't like I'm going to leave her for good and will never come back, and yet up until now she still kept her mouth shut and never bothered to explain why. She would just look at me, the look she always gave me that I never once understood nor read. Look that she gives only to me.
The night ended and I came with my parents when they decided to go home. She tried to stop me, saying that we could walk home together later. I was going to agree to it, but I saw the look on her boyfriend's face and I decided to decline. I told her I was tired and sleepy. She was disappointed, the look on her eyes said it all, but I avoided her stare. I am the best friend and I should go. That was what I was thinking. I mean. It was the truth. She can keep me close to her and literally close to her but in truth at the end of the day, I am still the best friend and is painfully aware of where to put myself. And also aware that my best friend was using her power on me, knowing how much I love her and would do anything for her, even if it kills me. Heck! I'm not even sure why or how did I manage to keep breathing, considering how badly I'm hurting inside and it sucks 'cause no matter how hard I try, even though my heart already gave up, it still never stop beating for her. And it was even harder because I couldn't even share my despair to anyone, because the one person I'm closest to was the cause of my heart ache.
******
The next remaining weeks before our official holidays, I spent hiding away. she tried to coax me out but I told her I need to study although in truth be told, I have done all my reviewers and notes ages ago and all I needed to do was read.
Sometimes she will join me study, sometimes she just watched me and sometimes she would just play with the teddy bears that she had given me for my b-days, x-masses, Valentines and some just random days. It amused me why she kept giving me teddy bears in all different sizes and when I asked her, she will just give me that look that I cannot read and then she would end up saying that because they are cute.
Anyway there were times when I wanted to ask her why does she waste time watching me, but thought it might offend her and if being honest, I kind of like it; her wanting to keep me company, instead of going out or spending some time with her boyfriend.
"You study a lot. You're already at the top of the class!" she said.
I looked at her, she was playing with some of the collection of teddy bears I have on my bead, thanks to her. I smiled at her and told her it was all because I didn't know what course to get and wanted to get a good UAI so I wouldn't have a problem getting in any course I would end up liking in the future. She finally looked up and my heart melted at the sight of sadness in her eyes. I could tell she was sorry, I could see it.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered, "I'm sorry for everything. I just, I just couldn't let you go. I---"
She said and was interrupted by the knock on my door. It was my Mum telling us that the dinner was ready. I thanked my Mum, although I was really annoyed at her timing. I looked back at my best friend only to find her on her feet, ready to go downstairs. I followed her lead quietly, all the while thinking what she was going to say. I thought of her choice of words, of not wanting to let me go. I asked myself what she meant but that, I wanted to ask her but I was scared. I was scared that it might mean nothing and here I am fighting to not get my expectations up. I didn't want to expect anything from her anymore, 'cause I was always proven that there was nothing expect and I guess because I didn't want to get hurt anymore, although it didn't make a difference since I am always hurting anyway. Sighing, I made a decision to not bother asking and thinking of it. Not knowing can be a gift at times.
******
Days had gone by and now me, my best friend, her boyfriend and our friends were again gathered in the surf club celebrating, as we all found out our HSC results. Some of us did well and some were just alright, but nevertheless we were all happy or, well… I guess they were. I mean, I am glad that I passed my exams with flying colours, but in terms of happy as in happy, I didn't think I am even close.
But who would be happy, when you were at side of the love of your life and watch her in the arms of someone else? On top of that, I am not even able to pursue my dream career because it would mean leaving her and me breaking my promise.
I busied myself talking with my other close friend, who had a plan of becoming a professional surfer when my best friend took my attention, asking me if she can talk to me in private. She looked so serious, that I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Once outside the club and was out of earshot, she turned to me;
"I feel like I haven't talk to you all night." She said, looking at me in the eyes and wearing the look that I grew familiar with but never did become aware of what it means.
"Yeah, well… you've been busy."
"I wasn't. I was just waiting for you," she said thoughtfully. "I'm just always waiting for you" she added in whisper.
I frowned a little. I wasn't quite sure what she meant and she was making me really uncomfortable with her gaze. I wanted to return her stare but I couldn't. I know wouldn't. Because, if I do, she would see again how much I'm hurting. How I never stop hurting and I know it would make her sad. And I never want to make her sad. I love her too much. It'll be like a cycle; she would hurt me unconsciously or more like I will hurt because of her and she will be sad when she finds out how much I'm hurting and then I will be hurt more because she's sad, that I made her sad because I couldn't hide my feelings. In other words, either way, I will always end up hurting and sad. So I'd rather it be me with the aching heart secretly so she wouldn't be sad. Or so I thought…
"Waiting for me? I was just there, talking to them."
"Yes, waiting for you to talk to me."
I frowned again and asked myself, why I felt like there was a lot more behind what she was saying. It made me feel like it has double meaning, but I couldn't be sure.
"And why wont you---"
She was again interrupted when her boyfriend came out from the club and coaxed her to go back inside to dance with him. He said they were playing a sweet song. She cast me a look as if asking me to save her, but I didn't do anything. I let her get dragged back inside, as I couldn't trust myself with reading her. I got so used to having seen thing that weren't there and that was because of my heart's wishful thinking.
I stayed outside for a while, knowing that the breathe of fresh air would do me good. And then deciding that it was late, I decided to make my way back inside the club to bid everyone goodnight and bye as I was feeling the need to call it the night. But when I entered the club though, before I can even make another step, I saw her. I saw her and her boyfriend, dancing, wrapped up in each other's arms. And there I died again.
******
Seeing them dancing so close to each other, I instantly knew I would be able to come and say goodbye so I just turned and walked out of the club, ready to head home and cry myself to sleep.
Not long and found myself lying on my bed. I wanted to cry but found that I can no longer bring myself to. I guess that's what happened when you spent almost 7 years of you life crying yourself to sleep almost every night. I was lying on my bed wondering what I got myself into. I wondered why do my heart only beats for her like it does; like it was made to love her and only her. Why her? Why can't it be for someone else? How can I have such a stubborn heart? I knew I can have someone else, but I kept pinning for her and I didn't know why.
Sighing, I closed my eyes, willing myself to sleep only to be disturbed by a soft knocking on my door. I opened my eyes and frowned, wondering who could it be, knowing everyone in the house were sleeping. The knocking didn't stop, so I reluctantly got up and open it and was surprised to see her in the other side, looking tipsy and yet sober enough to flash me her smile.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her, while I let her inside my room.
"I wanted to see you, you're mother let me in." she said, flopping herself down my bed.
I told her then that she should be home, seeing that she really needed some rest, but she shook her head and tap the space beside her, gesturing for me to lie beside her. I didn't want to, but I did. Why? 'Cause I'm stupid like that, when it comes to her.
She then looked at me, the same on that I couldn't read nor fathom the meaning. Again I found myself not looking back. I look at her when she wasn't looking, but not when she's staring at me especially this kind of stare that she always does to me.
"Why didn't you come back at the club?" she asked, "Oh, wait, you did. But you turned and walked out."
My eyes went wide open. 'She saw me! Shit! How can she have seen me?!'
"I uhm… I… I didn't have a partner. I didn't want to feel left out." I lied..
"You should've went inside, I would've dance with you."
My heart begun doing summersaults again and I hate my heart for it. I knew she was just saying that. But I thanked her anyway and laughed a little. Silence descended upon us and she kept staring at me with that look. I tried to look at her in the eyes, hoping I could stare back. But the intense look she was giving me was too much for me, I couldn't match up and although it wasn't the kind of look of disgust or anger and quite frankly, that look actually made me feel good inside, like it was comforting and warm somehow, I still couldn't return the gaze. One of the reasons was because I knew if I stare too long, she would confirm it in my eyes, that I'm in love with her and even though some parts of me wanted to tell her, I still couldn't risk our friendship.
"Why won't you look at me in the eyes? She asked quietly and I tensed. 'Why does she have to ask?'
"What? I do look at you in the eyes." I said and I faked a laugh. I knew she knew it was fake 'cause while I couldn't read some of her thoughts, she could with me and it sucks.
"No you don't. You tried but you always look away. Why?"
"I… I don't know. I never noticed that." I lied.
I was quiet. I didn't know what else to say and what else to do to avoid where the conversation was heading.
"I'm your best friend, right? Why are you keeping something from? Why won't you tell me?"
'Shit! This is it!' I thought to myself. There was no way to escape.
"I'm kind of tired now. Can we talk about this tomorrow? Good night." I told her and then turned my back on her.
She was quiet for a while but I know she was still awake, and then I felt her move. Next thing I knew, she was wrapping her arm around me, pressing her body against my back. I could feel her heart beats on my back, with her face snuggled on my neck. I could feel her breathing on me and then I felt some droplets on my skin. I realised then that she was crying.
"Hei… What's wrong?" I whispered, touching her arm on me.
"Look at me. Please. Please, look at me."
To say that I was shocked was an understatement and even thought I'm risking everything, I still oblige. Who cares if she freaks out, at least it will stop her from crying. And so, I reluctantly turned and face her. She still kept her arm around me and looks up, meeting my eyes. We stayed like that for what seemed like hours, but I know that it was just minutes. Suddenly I felt her soft warm palm on my cheek, caressing it ever so gently and I unconsciously leaned onto her palm, relishing on the feeling.
"I wanna kiss you again." She whispered and my heart jumped. She said 'again' so that means she remembered the first time, when we were just kids.
"Can I?" she asked softly.
"I… I don't think that's a good idea." I said, despite myself, I never would've wanted to take advantage. She obviously had too much drink and I know if I have in, tomorrow would be worst, especially when she says it was all mistake and never should've happened.
"Why?" she asked while she leaned closer, determined to close the gap and while I didn't leaned forward, I didn't move back either.
"I love you." She said when her lips were less than an inch from mine. My heart started beating faster; she said it! She said she loves me. But, why do I still feel unsure? Maybe 'cause, she told me that before and I know she meant she loves me because I'm her best friend. Her love was for friendship.
"I love you and I know you love me too." She whispered again. She didn't move further, I guess she was waiting for me. I knew it! I knew she knew!
"Don't you love me? Did I read you wrong?" she asked when I didn't move nor say a word.
"I… I do." I whispered barely audible.
"I love you." She said again, looking into my eyes as if assuring me that it was the truth. She mouthed 'I love you' again and then finally closed her eyes and closed the whatever little gap between us.
I felt her soft lips again on mine and I immediately thought I died 'cause I felt heavenly. I couldn't believe that the world would be kind enough to me to le me have the privilege of feeling her lips on mine again. I kissed her back the same passionate way that she does. Our lips danced together in perfect rhythm and devoured on each other's soft tender lips. I kissed her with all my love for her. Hoping that she'd be able to feel how much I love her in all these years. I was so wrapped up in our own soft kiss that it sort of startled me when I felt her tongue seeking for entry. My heart begun beating even more faster, it was literally pounding in my chest. But it let her, I opened my lips more and welcomed her; like her lips, her tongue too was warm and I found myself reciprocating the now growing more hungrier kiss that we were sharing. Her hand started moving from my cheek to the back of my neck, pulling my head more and intensifying the kiss and I obliged. Her other hand however, moved down and stopped on my chest, feeling the beating of my heart.
Next thing I knew, I was grew braver that I actually got myself on top of her. I couldn't remember if I did it on my own or with the help of her hands caressing my back, but nevertheless I was on top of her. We pulled away and just stared in each others eyes, I wasn't afraid anymore. I can look at her and I'm not scared.
"I love you." She whispered, "You do love me too, right?"
I smiled at her. How can she not be sure? I mean, she knew how I feel for her long time ago. She knew and still she wasn't sure. But I found it adorable. I nodded to her question.
"Tell me…" she said, her voice was soft and her tone was almost close to pleading ones.
"I love you. I love you for a long time. With all my heart, my soul, with every air that I breathe, with every heart beat. I love you and I'll love you all my life."
She smiled at me and her eyes were teary. I looked at her and I found myself teary too. Everything was so overwhelming that I could actually easily say it was just a dream. But I didn't want it to be a dream and I know it wasn't.
"Make love to me…" she whispered, looking deep into my eyes.
I was stunned for the second time at the same night. The kiss was ok, I knew how to kiss but make love. I've never done that before. I know, it's lame that I was still a virgin in every aspect of it, but I just couldn't be that intimate with anyone. I guess she sensed my nervousness as she swiftly flipped us over, which ended up with me being on the bed and her on top of me, straddling me.
She didn't say a word. She was just looking at me, while she ever so slowly took her shirt off, revealing her toned stomach and silky skin. Her discarded shirt on the floor soon followed by her bra. I couldn't believe that I was blessed enough at such a beautiful sight and could hardly breathe. She was really beautiful; her skin was glowing, illuminated by the light coming from outside my window. She kept her eyes on me, not breaking the contact and soon enough, I realised she was lifting my shirt up and I let her and even helped her by raising my arms so she could take it off. I heard her gasp when she found out I wasn't wearing a bra and only clad in my panty.
She was gazing at me and at my body that I started to panicked, becoming aware of my exposed body. But, she quickly soothed it away by running her finger tip on my midline down my stomach.
"You look so beautiful…" she breathes and then leaned and captured my lips. Immediately relaxed and kissed back. Our tongues once again played and hands roaming each other's body, getting familiarised with each other's curves and contours while we felt our shared body heat increased.
Her lips then moves down my neck, planting soft kissed down my chest, then stoped. She looks up again and I looked at her. I knew why she stopped, I knew why she looks up; she felt my heart beating so fast and she knew I was feeling nervous. She smiled and then kissed her way up my ear.
"It's ok." She whispered and kissed my ear. I nodded and let her start the magic.
I offered her my body and my soul. I surrendered it to her and she accepted it gratefully. She made love to my body and with it my soul. For the first time, I reached the heaven and for the first time I felt my heart whole. She made me hers and she claimed me and at that one moment ever since she told me she loves me, she already made up to all the times that she unconsciously broke my heart. Now my heart was whole and beating for her. Loving her more. Making love to her.
She offered me herself too. She asked me to claim her and make her mine and I did. I honestly didn't know what I was doing, but I know I wanted to show her how much I love her and so I let the love take its course. I made love to her and touch her in the most loving and gentle way I can. I memorised the feeling of how warm her skin was under my palm. And I tattooed in my head, how I love the feeling of being inside her. I finally made her mine. She was finally mine.
Breathing heavily, she joined me back in the bed and laid her head on my chest, listening to my heart. She took my hand and intertwined our fingers together. We stayed like that, in silence, listening to each other breath and relaxed in each other's arms.
I was feeling very peaceful that I almost dozed off, but I heard her whimper and I immediately felt worry.
"What's wrong? I'm sorry." I said without thinking.
"Why are you sorry?" she asked.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm happy." She said and then looks up to me with smile on her lips.
I smiled back at her and kissed her forehead.
"You worry too much." She said, before kissing my chest and again rested her head on it.
And then we fell asleep.
******
The next morning I woke up and found her gone. I panicked again instantly and jolt right up, seating and looking around my room. She wasn't there, I wrapped my blanket around my body and stood up to look for her, I didn't want to entertain the nagging voice in my head saying she left, realising that what happened was wrong, when suddenly I heard someone in my bathroom, taking a shower. I pressed my ear against the door and smiled, as I heard her singing. I was lost, listening to her when I was disturbed by the ring of my mobile. I didn't want to answer it but thinking it was probably important, I reluctantly went and pulled it out of my pant's pocket from last night.
"Hello?"
It was one of our friends, asking me if I've seen her since last night and I told her that she slept over to my place. Our friend, breathes I sigh of relief now that they were sure she was ok. I asked her why would she not be ok and there she told me. She told me everything that happened last night at the club. Apparently my best friend's boyfriend dumped her. They were talking one minute and then later they just heard her boyfriend dumping her and storming off the club. That was when she drunk a shot of double and left.
"Ok. She's fine, I guess. Uhm… Leah, can we talk later?"
"Yes sure."
I hanged up the phone and sat on the edge of my bed. It downed to me, why she was here last night. I felt and almost heard my heart shuttered into million pieces. Last night was a mistake. She used me to forget what happened with her and him. Tears begun to flow from my eyes and I found it hard to breathe and this time not because I was overwhelmed. This time, I found it breathe because I was hurting really badly, like I have never been hurt before. It was different from the previous pain I've experience and this time it's 10x worst. Because this time, she was totally aware of what she was doing. She told me she loves me. She told me it's ok and all of that was a lie. She lied to me in order to forget. She led me to believe that I could finally have her but I was just a rebound. What happened last night, the experienced that made me experienced heaven, suddenly turned into a nightmare.
I dressed up quickly and wiped my tears away when I heard that she was finished getting clean. Turned to the window when I heard her opened the door.
"Good morning!" She greeted me cheerfully.
I just nod. She walked towards me, and wrapped her arms around my waist, kissing my shoulder. I didn't move, I remained silent and just looking outside my window, tears in my eyes.
"About last night---"
"I know." I said interrupting her.
"You know what?" she asked and there I extracted myself from her arms and faced her, showing her my tears stained face, looking into her eyes showing every pain I am feeling.
"I know last night was a mistake! How could you do that to me, Joey? Why?" I asked her.
"Charlie, what are you talking about?"
I looked at her with disgust, how could she lie straight to my face. How could she do this to me? Why?
"Charlie…"
"Joey, stop! I know what happened with you and HIM! I know what happened last night was a mistake! I know, Joey so don't bother lying!"
I yelled at her and pushed her out of my way as I took my jacket and my keys and stormed downstairs.
"Charlie!" I heard her called out.
"Charlie! Let me explain! Charlie!"
I didn't look back, I kept walking faster, wanting to get to my car as soon as possible, but finding it a bit hard, with my eyes blurred with tears!
"Charlie! Where are you going?!" she kept calling out and running after me, I know. I know 'cause I could hear her footsteps.
"Charlie!!!"
She yelled, when I finally got in my car and drove. I drove away from her and to nowhere. I don't know where I'm going now, but I know I have to get away from her. It was all too much! I didn't even bother looking in the rear mirror, I couldn't look at her. It hurts too much, and I can't take anymore pain. I know she couldn't love me the same way, but why used me? Why does she need to lie and made me believe that we could be really together? How can she be so unfair and selfish? Answers I know I could never get, because I know I will never come back. I silently thanked my brain for still applying to the police training I would really love to do but almost gave up because of her; but not anymore, because I will never want to be by her side. Promises are made to be broken and so does my promise. To hell with everybody, I will never come back to her. I might not even come back to Summer Bay.
Who will be honest and tell me that they thought it was Joey's point of view from the beginning? Oh well, this is my first one shot. I was feeling a bit upset and sad so I wrote this. Sorry if it wasn't a happy ending. Well, I guess I wanted to have some reality in it, that love story doesn't always end happily. I'm sorry to end it this way. I hope you guys still enjoyed it though. And won't be too upset that ended it like this. Cheers!