A/C I don't own the story of Spartacus… I don't own Naruto, I own Rei and this story, I joint-own Rimu and Anno with my sister Astarael's Get, who owns Tei.
Humble Abode, the Evil Hideout, #12 North Way, the Akatsuki Cave, Air Conditioning… more commonly known as the A/C, the home of our favourite s-class criminal organisation is far from dull. In fact their lawnmower has endured Amaterasu and runs on alcohol, there's tequila hidden in the rose bushes, the pond is bigger than the swimming pool, Kisame keeps stealing things, Konan builds forts everywhere she goes, and everyone keeps stabbing Hidan for stress relief. Sometimes Leader feels more like a babysitter than an evil mastermind.
It began as a regular day in the A/C. The Akatsuki were in the lounge, kicking back (or in Rimu's case, kicking Anno). Nobody predicted the events of that day…
Suddenly their peace was broken by a terrible scream and Leader burst into the room through the double-doors, which for once had been closed for dramatic effect. He was waving a video tape around, and was dressed in striped pyjamas. There was popcorn in his hair.
"WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?" He screamed. Those near to him edged away. Konan dared to speak.
"For what, Pein?" Leader was beginning to hyperventilate.
"I recorded the latest episode of Fig…" He said slowly, "and someone has taped over it. Said someone is about to die." The Akatsuki all looked at each other nervously; Leader liked carrying out threats as much as he liked making them. Which was a lot.
"I know it was one of you!" He said hysterically.
"Pein, calm down-" Konan began, but was ignored – Leader was pissed off.
"You have to tell me who did it! Who taped over Fig? WHO?" He grabbed Deidara by the cloak collar. "Was it you? Was it? It was, wasn't it? CONFESS!"
"N-no, Leader-sama!" Deidara gasped. "I swear I didn't!"
Leader dropped Deidara on the floor. Deidara gasped for air, dragging himself back to the safety of his fellow extremely confused Akatsuki.
Leader screamed his frustration. "Right!" He announced. "Either you confess to taping over Fig, whoever of you did it, or I'll kill you all, so whoever did it will die anyway!"
This announcement was met with a stunned silence. Frightened, Anno shuffled backwards against Tei's legs. Tei took pity on him and moved to stand protectively in front of him. Unseen, Itachi stepped backwards into the shadows. Zetsu snapped his trap shut and melted into a wall. Still gasping for breath, Deidara crawled behind Kisame. Hidan found Kakuzu, Sasori and Konan using him as a shield. Rimu scooted behind Rei, who pushed him away contemptuously. Tobi took out the teddy Rei had presented to him on his latest birthday, hugging it nervously.
A few moments passed, then Leader growled and produced a kunai, advancing on Kisame. "Right!" He shouted. "You first!"
"NO!"
There was a stunned silence, and then the eyes of the Akatsuki were on Anno, who had shot to his feet. He came out from behind Tei, a hand raised.
"You can't kill Kisame-san!" He announced.
A sneer twisted Leader's heavily pierced face. "And why not?"
"Because – because -" He took a deep, steadying breath, and defiantly glared Leader straight in the eye. "Because I taped over Fig!"
The Akatsuki muttered a collective gasp.
"But - no!" Tobi stood up suddenly. "Tobi cannot let Anno-san get into trouble! Tobi taped over Fig!"
"No! Silence, Tobi! Shut up, Anno! You fools!" Rei and Tei announced simultaneously. They paused and looked at each other, then carried on in unison. "We taped over Fig!" They glared at Rimu, who threw his hands up in defeat.
"Fine, fine! I confess! I taped over Fig."
"No, I taped over Fig!" Kisame announced.
"No, I did!" Hidan said, after a sharp poke from Konan.
"I taped over Fig!" She added.
"I taped over Fig!" Deidara managed to gasp.
"I taped over Fig." Sasori sounded bored, if anything.
"I also taped over Fig." Orochimaru added, leaning in through the open window.
"FINE!" Screeched Leader loudly. "Everyone who taped over Fig, form an orderly queue!"
Anno, Tobi, Rei, Tei, Rimu (somewhat unwillingly), Kisame, Hidan and Konan got in a line. Konan helped drag the weak Deidara, and Orochimaru climbed in through the window to join them. Leader went to Anno, the first in the line, and raised his kunai to stab. Then, just as the blade was about to meet the frightened, hedgehog-like boy's throat, there was a horrible scream. "NOOOOOOO!"
It was one of Sasori's many underlings, who shot into the room, fell to his knees and skidded to a halt at Leader's feet, clutching the front of his striped pyjamas, and sobbing. "No! Please! Don't hurt them! I did it! I really, really did! I taped over Fig! It was me, I confess! Have mercy, master!" Leader looked at the underling, then at the assembled Akatsuki. He shrugged, turned away from Anno and plunged the kunai into the throat of the underling.
"And let that be a lesson to all those who think of taping over my shows." He said menacingly, and left. There was a long, awkward silence.
"The carpet… it'll take ages to clean…" Rei said mournfully. "Zetsu, would you mind?"
"No, not a problem." Zetsu said politely, and proceeded to eat the corpse of the underling. Sasori sighed at the waste. Tei turned to Orochimaru.
"It's touching that you stood up for us, Orochi, but… not to sound rude, but could you please get out of the hideout? We don't like letting paedophiles near Anno… or Tobi."
Orochimaru sighed. "Fine." He muttered, climbing out of the window again, and forlornly shutting it after him. Sasori turned the key in the lock.
Konan was the next to speak. "So who actually taped over Fig?"
"I did." Said Itachi. They all stared.
"The fuck?" Hidan screamed. "You were gonna fucking sit there in that fucking shadow and let Leader fucking knife us?"
"Yup."
Hidan practically had steam coming out of his ears. "Why the fuck didn't you step in?"
"I'm an s-class criminal." Anyone but Itachi would have followed this statement with a "duh".
Rei cracked her knuckles. "All in favour of punishing the accused, say "aye"." There was a chorus of '"aye", and the Akatsuki advanced on Itachi. Just as major pwnage was about to occur, there was a tremendous smash as a brick sailed through the broken window and hit Itachi squarely in the face, knocking him out. Orochimaru waved through the broken glass, then set off running down the street.
"Satisfied?" Asked Sasori eventually, to a general "yea". And thus did the Akatsuki, minus Itachi, who was unconscious, and Leader, who was watching re-runs of Fig in his room, went to play Monopoly, and all was well with the world.
A/N Love? Hate? Check out all my other Naruto fanfics, please, and also my sister Astarael's Get as she is hilarious.