Title: .Lewd of the Rings.
Rated: R for INTENSE BAD WORDS AND SEXUAL CONTENT.
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE.
PLEASE.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN...
Note: This is a parody of the movie, not the books. I mean no disrespect for the great
JRR's works. Feel free to flame this story until your pants burn off. I like all the
attention I can get.
Froho sat under a tree, writing in his Hello Kitty diary--
Dear Diary... Life is difficult in the Shire. I really want action and adventure,
but the only thing I ever do is roll around in the grass with other Hobitches.
Sham seems to rather enjoy himself, but the gleam in his eyes lately is a bit odd.
I refuse to be tricked into playing doctor/patient with him again! He bit the tip
of his sparkley pink gel pen. Oh phoey. The Shire was such a drag... Not literally.
Yet.
From down the dusty lane, the voice of Goodhuf the Crackhead echoed clearly. The junkie
sang to himself...
Two trailer park girls go round the outside
round the outside, round the outside...
Two trailer park girls go round the outside
round the outside, round the outside...
Guess whos back, back again
Goodhuf's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
gruess who's back
Guess who's back...
Froho smiled to himself and put his diary away in his shoulder sachel. Damn it, no, it
wasn't a purse.
"You're *late*." Froho smiled jokinly as Goodhuf adjusted his large hat to keep the sun
from hitting his bloodshot eyes.
"Shut up, ho! I arrive when I damn well want to. Life's hard when The Man is on your
tail every fuckin day."
"Hee hee! Goodhuf!" Froho giggled, jumping from the hill. And completely missing Goodhuf's
arms and the cart. Goodhuf shook his head and laughed. "You stupid crack baby. Hobitches
are so cute like that."
Froho dusted himself off and skipped to the cart.
"I'm so glad you could make it! Uncle Dildo is having a birthday tonight, with whores, and strippers,
and--"
"Dildo Faggins? How is the old bastard doing?"
"You know Dildo... Always getting into things he shouldn't! Go on, laugh! But before YOU came
to the Shire, things were different... We Fagginses were well thought of! No one had any sexual
adventures or did anything even slightly illegal..."
"If you are referring to the incident with the sheep, the two blonde twins, and that sword
covered in grease... I was barely invloved. I merely just watched and gave your uncle a good...
push."
Froho giggled.
"Well! Whatever you did, you are officially labeled a disturber of the peace!"
"Shut up, ho." Goodhuf slapped Froho upside the head and cranked up the Sub-woofers and bass in
the cart's stereo. He turned on the fake police siren and hollered at a Hobitch girl walking down the
lane. "Wooooooooooo! Honey! This is the Well Hung police! You have the right to take off your
clothes and beg!"
She blushed and flashed her boobies at him. Froho didn't notice, he was too busy looking at
the perdy flowers growing on the side of the street.
"Goodhuf!" The lil Hobitches of the Shire cried, running up the lane after him. They
stopped and waited in the middle of the road.
"Oh, very well! You cheap hoes!" He grated, sprinkling them in a spray of snowy white cocaine.
They opened their mouthes and cheered. Damn coke grubbers.
------------------------------
"OPEN UP! THIS IS THE POLICE! YOUR ASS IS SURROUNDED! COME OUT BEFORE WE BLOW YOUR HOUSE
TO FUCKING CINDERS!"
"Hey! I ain't done anything! What the hell are you talking about?!" Dildo Faggins, dressed in
a stained wifebeater and grey sweatpants threw open his door. "You know I'm clean now!"
"Ha ha!"
"Goodhuf, you whore! Come in! Have a sniff, take a puff!" Dildo invited. "Do you want a shot of
vodka? Or something stronger?"
"Nah, just some Hobitch weed." Goodhuf insisted. "I'm good." Dildo's hole was an absolute mess.
Empty beer cans and other kinds of shit littered the floor and furniture. No, really. It wasn't
a crack house. Honest. Okay, it was. "What's up, bitch? Hows you hangin' lately?"
"Piss poor. All the punks around here are such pussies. They're only interested in tits and hoes.
I remember a day when I could get a good piece of profit from some nice coke, a good huff of
Hobitch weed. I don't sell pussy, Goodhuf. I feel like a blunt that has been passed to too many
moochers."
"Damn moochers..." Goodhuf muttered, taking another puff.
--------------------------------
The party was KICKIN. Strobe lights were flashing, the women were loose, and
the beer flowed like water.
"This is so much funnnnn!" Froho giggled, applying more glitter to his cheeks and hair. He twirled
his glowsticks and watched Sham put on a glownecklace. "Why don't you go dance with Hosie?
She looks lonely."
Four male Hobitches were on her ass like cheap spandex, bumping and grinding. She waved her arms
in the air and swallowed some colourful pills.
"Nah, she's trifling!" Sham shook his head. "I'd rather be with you anyway. All that glitter
makes you so hot..."
"No it doesn't! I'm not hot! It's cold out, you silly!" Froho hit his arm. Sham was such
a joker!
Pipen Toke and Merry Brandyfuck chuckled as they raided Goodhuf's cart of "goodies".
"HERE!" Pipen whispered, grabbing a bunch of crackrocks. "These should light reeeeeaaaaal nice!"
"YEAH!" Merry drooled.
They went inside the tent and tried to melt the crackrocks. Little did they know, you don't light
crackrocks for they have a tendancy to EXPLODE.
BOOOOOM!
"Fucking hell!" Pipen had singed his eyebrows off! Merry laughed. Both were covered in black soot.
"YOU muther fucking bitches! That was my best stuff!" Goodhuf ROARED. "You are gonna LICK all
the plates clean, or my size 12 shoe is going up your ass. You fairy Hobitches will probably
like that too much, but I don't give a rat's fuck. LICK IT!"
".... and lastly, I'd like to say... SUCK MY BALLS!" Dildo disappeared into a puff of smoke.
The crowd gasped in shock.
Heh heh heh.
---------------------------------
"Oh yeah. You think it's so clever to use a magic ring and disappear." Goodhuf rolled his eyes.
"Gimme that damn thing, you don't know what the hell you're doing!"
"NO! It's MINE! My precious...."
"You like that thing too much, Dildo. Give it to me so I can give it to Froho. You on the
need to go out and get your ass laid. Shit, man!"
"You just want the ring for yourself!!!!" Dildo hissed.
"DILDO FAGGINS! Do NOT mistake me for a conjurour of cheap tricks! My hoes are the TOP of
the LINE. And I'll have words with any hater who says otherwise."
"Goodhuf, you're right... I need to go out into the world and gets me a piece of ass.
Give the ring to Froho. My ass is OUT of HERE. Peace bro."
-------------------------------
"Diiiiiiiiiiildo! Oh, Dildo, where are you?" Froho came out of the shower and sang sweetly.
Sham's head popped out of the bushes. His binoculars were still attached to his face. He
breathed hot and heavy then sunk back into the bushes as Froho waltzed around in just a towel.
"Froho! Your uncle Dildo has gone to get a piece of Elfin ass. He left this all this shiznit--the
crib and this ring--for you."
"Oh, neato!"
"But... this ring may be hot, so keep it hidden! I have to go check the word on the street!"
"Okay! Tootlies!" Froho blew a kiss and waved.
-----------------------------
Several days later...
"FROHO! Where is the ring!"
"Right here!" He reached into his Britney Spears Brand© chastity belt and retrived the ring.
"Fuck, man. This shiznit is HOT stuff. it belongs to the Censor. With his damned unflicking finger! His evil ass
won't be happy until he slaps a warning label on all our shiznit and put clothes on all of
our hoes! Someone needs to cap a bullet in his dome."
"How do you know it belongs to him?"
"Take a look at what it says... That is Elvish for 'Made in Cihna."
"Cihna?"
"Yeah, it's cheap shit, but if he gets his hands on it, it will be the end of rampant sex,
drug use, out right cussing, and farmer porn in ALL OF THE LAND."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sham wailed.
"Shamhigh Flegmcheese!" Goodhuf growled, ripping the Hobitch from his stalker spot neath the
ledge. "What did you hear, ho?"
"Nothing! Just that Froho is hung like a pony... Froho looks great in a speedo... and
Froho would make a wonderful husband for our 103 children...! I swear! That's all! Don't do
anything kinky! Please! I'm not into that."
"Hmmm... I have a better use for you. You're going to go with Froho to the trifling ghetto
of Mordor and toss this ring into the hell pits of the Mordo Pawnshop. It must be cast from
whence it came. I'll meet you at the Inn of the Nancing Fairy"
"I'm down with that!" Sham laughed, cuddling next to Froho.
That Sham! What a caring friend! Froho smiled.
---------------------------------
Rated: R for INTENSE BAD WORDS AND SEXUAL CONTENT.
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE.
PLEASE.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN...
Note: This is a parody of the movie, not the books. I mean no disrespect for the great
JRR's works. Feel free to flame this story until your pants burn off. I like all the
attention I can get.
Froho sat under a tree, writing in his Hello Kitty diary--
Dear Diary... Life is difficult in the Shire. I really want action and adventure,
but the only thing I ever do is roll around in the grass with other Hobitches.
Sham seems to rather enjoy himself, but the gleam in his eyes lately is a bit odd.
I refuse to be tricked into playing doctor/patient with him again! He bit the tip
of his sparkley pink gel pen. Oh phoey. The Shire was such a drag... Not literally.
Yet.
From down the dusty lane, the voice of Goodhuf the Crackhead echoed clearly. The junkie
sang to himself...
Two trailer park girls go round the outside
round the outside, round the outside...
Two trailer park girls go round the outside
round the outside, round the outside...
Guess whos back, back again
Goodhuf's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
gruess who's back
Guess who's back...
Froho smiled to himself and put his diary away in his shoulder sachel. Damn it, no, it
wasn't a purse.
"You're *late*." Froho smiled jokinly as Goodhuf adjusted his large hat to keep the sun
from hitting his bloodshot eyes.
"Shut up, ho! I arrive when I damn well want to. Life's hard when The Man is on your
tail every fuckin day."
"Hee hee! Goodhuf!" Froho giggled, jumping from the hill. And completely missing Goodhuf's
arms and the cart. Goodhuf shook his head and laughed. "You stupid crack baby. Hobitches
are so cute like that."
Froho dusted himself off and skipped to the cart.
"I'm so glad you could make it! Uncle Dildo is having a birthday tonight, with whores, and strippers,
and--"
"Dildo Faggins? How is the old bastard doing?"
"You know Dildo... Always getting into things he shouldn't! Go on, laugh! But before YOU came
to the Shire, things were different... We Fagginses were well thought of! No one had any sexual
adventures or did anything even slightly illegal..."
"If you are referring to the incident with the sheep, the two blonde twins, and that sword
covered in grease... I was barely invloved. I merely just watched and gave your uncle a good...
push."
Froho giggled.
"Well! Whatever you did, you are officially labeled a disturber of the peace!"
"Shut up, ho." Goodhuf slapped Froho upside the head and cranked up the Sub-woofers and bass in
the cart's stereo. He turned on the fake police siren and hollered at a Hobitch girl walking down the
lane. "Wooooooooooo! Honey! This is the Well Hung police! You have the right to take off your
clothes and beg!"
She blushed and flashed her boobies at him. Froho didn't notice, he was too busy looking at
the perdy flowers growing on the side of the street.
"Goodhuf!" The lil Hobitches of the Shire cried, running up the lane after him. They
stopped and waited in the middle of the road.
"Oh, very well! You cheap hoes!" He grated, sprinkling them in a spray of snowy white cocaine.
They opened their mouthes and cheered. Damn coke grubbers.
------------------------------
"OPEN UP! THIS IS THE POLICE! YOUR ASS IS SURROUNDED! COME OUT BEFORE WE BLOW YOUR HOUSE
TO FUCKING CINDERS!"
"Hey! I ain't done anything! What the hell are you talking about?!" Dildo Faggins, dressed in
a stained wifebeater and grey sweatpants threw open his door. "You know I'm clean now!"
"Ha ha!"
"Goodhuf, you whore! Come in! Have a sniff, take a puff!" Dildo invited. "Do you want a shot of
vodka? Or something stronger?"
"Nah, just some Hobitch weed." Goodhuf insisted. "I'm good." Dildo's hole was an absolute mess.
Empty beer cans and other kinds of shit littered the floor and furniture. No, really. It wasn't
a crack house. Honest. Okay, it was. "What's up, bitch? Hows you hangin' lately?"
"Piss poor. All the punks around here are such pussies. They're only interested in tits and hoes.
I remember a day when I could get a good piece of profit from some nice coke, a good huff of
Hobitch weed. I don't sell pussy, Goodhuf. I feel like a blunt that has been passed to too many
moochers."
"Damn moochers..." Goodhuf muttered, taking another puff.
--------------------------------
The party was KICKIN. Strobe lights were flashing, the women were loose, and
the beer flowed like water.
"This is so much funnnnn!" Froho giggled, applying more glitter to his cheeks and hair. He twirled
his glowsticks and watched Sham put on a glownecklace. "Why don't you go dance with Hosie?
She looks lonely."
Four male Hobitches were on her ass like cheap spandex, bumping and grinding. She waved her arms
in the air and swallowed some colourful pills.
"Nah, she's trifling!" Sham shook his head. "I'd rather be with you anyway. All that glitter
makes you so hot..."
"No it doesn't! I'm not hot! It's cold out, you silly!" Froho hit his arm. Sham was such
a joker!
Pipen Toke and Merry Brandyfuck chuckled as they raided Goodhuf's cart of "goodies".
"HERE!" Pipen whispered, grabbing a bunch of crackrocks. "These should light reeeeeaaaaal nice!"
"YEAH!" Merry drooled.
They went inside the tent and tried to melt the crackrocks. Little did they know, you don't light
crackrocks for they have a tendancy to EXPLODE.
BOOOOOM!
"Fucking hell!" Pipen had singed his eyebrows off! Merry laughed. Both were covered in black soot.
"YOU muther fucking bitches! That was my best stuff!" Goodhuf ROARED. "You are gonna LICK all
the plates clean, or my size 12 shoe is going up your ass. You fairy Hobitches will probably
like that too much, but I don't give a rat's fuck. LICK IT!"
".... and lastly, I'd like to say... SUCK MY BALLS!" Dildo disappeared into a puff of smoke.
The crowd gasped in shock.
Heh heh heh.
---------------------------------
"Oh yeah. You think it's so clever to use a magic ring and disappear." Goodhuf rolled his eyes.
"Gimme that damn thing, you don't know what the hell you're doing!"
"NO! It's MINE! My precious...."
"You like that thing too much, Dildo. Give it to me so I can give it to Froho. You on the
need to go out and get your ass laid. Shit, man!"
"You just want the ring for yourself!!!!" Dildo hissed.
"DILDO FAGGINS! Do NOT mistake me for a conjurour of cheap tricks! My hoes are the TOP of
the LINE. And I'll have words with any hater who says otherwise."
"Goodhuf, you're right... I need to go out into the world and gets me a piece of ass.
Give the ring to Froho. My ass is OUT of HERE. Peace bro."
-------------------------------
"Diiiiiiiiiiildo! Oh, Dildo, where are you?" Froho came out of the shower and sang sweetly.
Sham's head popped out of the bushes. His binoculars were still attached to his face. He
breathed hot and heavy then sunk back into the bushes as Froho waltzed around in just a towel.
"Froho! Your uncle Dildo has gone to get a piece of Elfin ass. He left this all this shiznit--the
crib and this ring--for you."
"Oh, neato!"
"But... this ring may be hot, so keep it hidden! I have to go check the word on the street!"
"Okay! Tootlies!" Froho blew a kiss and waved.
-----------------------------
Several days later...
"FROHO! Where is the ring!"
"Right here!" He reached into his Britney Spears Brand© chastity belt and retrived the ring.
"Fuck, man. This shiznit is HOT stuff. it belongs to the Censor. With his damned unflicking finger! His evil ass
won't be happy until he slaps a warning label on all our shiznit and put clothes on all of
our hoes! Someone needs to cap a bullet in his dome."
"How do you know it belongs to him?"
"Take a look at what it says... That is Elvish for 'Made in Cihna."
"Cihna?"
"Yeah, it's cheap shit, but if he gets his hands on it, it will be the end of rampant sex,
drug use, out right cussing, and farmer porn in ALL OF THE LAND."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sham wailed.
"Shamhigh Flegmcheese!" Goodhuf growled, ripping the Hobitch from his stalker spot neath the
ledge. "What did you hear, ho?"
"Nothing! Just that Froho is hung like a pony... Froho looks great in a speedo... and
Froho would make a wonderful husband for our 103 children...! I swear! That's all! Don't do
anything kinky! Please! I'm not into that."
"Hmmm... I have a better use for you. You're going to go with Froho to the trifling ghetto
of Mordor and toss this ring into the hell pits of the Mordo Pawnshop. It must be cast from
whence it came. I'll meet you at the Inn of the Nancing Fairy"
"I'm down with that!" Sham laughed, cuddling next to Froho.
That Sham! What a caring friend! Froho smiled.
---------------------------------