Editor's Note: This is a fan's fictitious account of the popular Marvel Comics character Ghost Righter, who you may also know from printed page or the silver screen. The author takes no responsibility for any new perspective this work puts on Ghost Righter.
Alright, so it's been, what, 4 years since Tripole X 2 was made. It was such a great movie that nobody had the guts to make another movie, and people just kept on watching it. Well, eventually some people got tired of watching the same movie over and over again. They were all like We Want A New Movie. The other people though were like What's Wrong With This One and so on and so forth.
That went on for a few years, until the President made all the Hollywood big-shots get together to figure out a new movie. I mean all the Big Wigs were there, this was some real serious shit.
Martin Mull made the first suggestion – how about a movie about skeletons? But everyone in the room was like, no, there's already been a picture about skeletons, it's called Freddy Cougar you goof. Then Freddy Cougar stood up and the room gave him a standing ovation, followed by a rendition of Proud to be an American.
People kept thinking about what to make a new movie about for a few hours. Finally Dan Fieldy made the second suggestion – how about a movie about motorcycles? Everyone nodded their heads and said, yeah, I like that, I've got a big old hawg. Everyone started making vroom vroom noises and such, a couple of guys whipped out their Johnsons and started twirling them around, it turned into a wild scene. Everyone agreed after that that a movie just about motorcycles would get everyone too fired up, and they didn't want that.
So next up it's Tim Toolman, and he says how about a movie about fire? But then Gilligan stood up and said I Don't Think So Tim and everyone started laughing so hard that they forgot what the Toolman said. It was actually a pretty good idea for a movie.
Last up it's Stone Cone. Everyone agreed that this was the everyman, the voice of reason. He said he's heard everyone's ideas, and they were all pretty good on their own, but just not enough. Well, what about a movie about skeletons, motorcycles, and fire? Now everyone was really hooting and hollering. It was a real shame, people got so fired up that they broke Keither Sullivan on the wheel and then drew and quartered Martian Lawrence.
After taking stock of what they'd done and considering man's inhumanity to man, the Big Wigs agreed that this was the movie they were going to make but that they had to put something in it that would decrease the likelihood that people would dismember each other after the movie. Everyone agreed they had to call The Belush, the ultimate man's man, to find out what he would hate in a movie. They had Dan Connors call him because they figured The Belush would remember all the good times they had making Blues Brothers 2000 and would be more likely to talk. So Dan calls up the Belush, everyone's trying to be quiet but really they're like holy shit, this is the Belush on the phone! Dan says hey Jim what's up, what do you hate the most in a movie? And of course the Belush says I Hate Romance and everyone in the room is like yeah, of course, we'll put some romance in this movie! That'll do it! So that's what they did! They also decided that in honor of Keither Sullivan and Martian they'd throw something in about ghosts.
At first this was a great movie. It starts with this kid named Donald Blake in school, and his teacher is telling him all about skeletons. It's a science class and the teacher is going on about how skeletons are freaky and how nobody should want to be a skeleton. So the kid stands up and says I want to be a skeleton, and the teacher says no, you can't be a skeleton. He doesn't listen to her and turns into a skeleton anway.
The movie jumps ahead 10 years, and Ghost Righter is made of real bones and fire, and rides a real motorcycle. He carries a lasso that he calls the Lasso of Truth. He goes around, raising hell and having a good time.
The best part is the one where Ghost Righter walks into a bar. First of all there's a little cosmic relief. When Ghost Righter walks in the bartender goes hey buddy, no skeletons allowed here! And Ghost Righter turns into a fire and says how about now? And some dude sitting at the bar rubs his eyes and throws away the bottle of brandy he was drinking. This is a great joke, and ought to be in every movie.
Might as well get the romance part out of the way. Fellas if you're reading this you probably want to skip this part. Ghost Righter is at a classy bar, dressed to the 9s, and you can tell he didn't spend to the 5s. So this girl comes up to him, totally into him. He stands up, bows, and grabs his Johnson. The girl is like do skeletons even have Johnsons, and Ghost Righter is like yeah, why do you think they're called Boners. Man, the whole theater rioted when he told that joke they were laughing so hard. This was so loud that the dude working concessions at Regal had to come and tell the theater to quiet down, but then they told him the joke and he was laughing right along with them. So anyway after that Ghost Righter and the girl got married and touched genitals.
Now it's the end of the movie. May as well tell you the plot. Ghost Righter was barely in the movie. Anti-Mentor won all of the Infinity Stones and made a glove out of them, and so Silverman, Wolfer, Batman, Freddy, Dark Vader, Phaser, Mr. Sinestro, Foolkiller, Lex Luger, Krang and all the rest of the Marvel heroes got together to steal his pretty new glove. Ghost Righter came along but he doesn't have any powers so mostly he drove his motorcycle around and said stuff like Good Gracious and Oh My Stars and Garters and stuff like that. There was a big fight and after the real heroes beat Anti-Mentor you could kind of see Ghost Righter cheering them on in the background. The movie says it's to be continued, but it also says that Ghost Righter won't be appearing in the sequel.