Wilson's Birthday Party
A Crack!Fic by Mani :D
"I made brownies!" House said when he walked into Wilson's apartment, where the party was being held. "Who wants some?" He said this in a sing-song voice. "Who wants some, who wants some, who wants some, who wants some? I've already had two! Who wants some, who wants some?"
"Me!" Wilson's guests said, raising their hands. They resumed dancing and singing, most of them drunk.
"Follow me, then!" House said, prancing over to the counter. Wilson hopped up on the counter and took one.
"What are they made of? Wilson asked, giggling. "They're making me giggly and floaty. Floaty floaty. That's a funny word. Floaty."
"A secret ingredient," House said. "I can't tell you!" He ate another brownie.
"Tell us, House!" Chase said as he hugged Thirteen and Cameron to him. They were all laughing drunkenly as they ate the brownies. "Tell us!"
"No, Chase!" House said. "You've got to find out by yourself!"
After everyone ate a brownie, the party got really wild.
"House! What was in those brownies?" Wilson asked as he jumped up and down on the couch. Sam tried to come and jump with him, but he pushed her down. "Sam! Get out of here!"
"I can't tell you, Wilson!" House said, laughing. "Wilson. Wilson! Look over there! Look!"
Wilson followed to where House was pointing. "Oh House, do you see that?" he asked loudly. "Threesome, threesome!" He started to point, too.
Everyone looked over at the other couch, where they spied Chase, Thirteen, and Cameron making out with each other. Wilson kept giggling and jumping on the couch while Sam lay unconscious on the floor.
"House, they're going to have sex," Wilson laughed. "They're going to!"
"Wilson, shut up!" House said, slapping him in the face. "I want to watch!"
The door slammed open then, and Amber walked in. "I'm back!" she shouted, running to Wilson. "I came back to life for you!"
Wilson slapped her in the face. "I don't love you anymore, Amber! I love House!"
Amber cried. "You ass!" She ran out the door and disappeared.
"I love you, too, Wilson!" House said. "You make me laugh and cry!"
"Yay!" Wilson bent down and kissed House, then resumed jumping on the couch.
"But House, I thought you loved me!" Cuddy shouted, crying but laughing still at the threesome going on three feet away.
"I do!" House said. "We can have an open relationship!"
"Okay!" Cuddy said, taking a shot of vodka.
The door slammed open again, and this time Lucas burst through. "Lisa, I've come back for you!" he shouted, running to her.
Cuddy took a gun from her jacket and pointed it at him. "I love House, asshole! Get out of here!" Then she shot him and he died. Rachel toddled over to him.
"Yay! Mommy shoot Lucas!" she squealed, giggling and clapping her hands. Everyone else cheered for Cuddy.
"That's right!" Cuddy said, blowing on the gun. "What then, Lucas! You dead!"
Foreman and Taub walked over to them, laughing up a storm. "Hey guys, watch this," Taub said. He turned to Foreman. "Do it!"
Foreman punched Taub in the nose, blood spurting everywhere. "Woo!" he shouted.
"It doesn't even hurt!" Taub said excitedly. Then he punched himself in the nose and laughed. After that, he misjudged his giant nose and hit it on the wall with force, breaking it even worse than it had been broken before. But that was an accident. He still laughed at himself.
"I want to try!" a voice said, coming from the kitchen. Everyone turned to see Martha Masters.
"Why are you here?" Wilson laughed. "I don't know you!"
"Everyone was coming, and Taub was going on about House's brownies." When everyone looked at her, she said, "I creep in the corners of PPTH."
"Punch me!" Taub laughed.
Feeling free and unable to think for once, Martha Masters threw her arm back and punched Taub in the nose. "Theoretically, that should hurt. A lot."
"Well, it didn't," Taub said, kicking her. "Get out, no one wants you here!"
As Martha Masters ran crying from the apartment, everyone saw someone.
"I thought you were dead!" Wilson said as he bounced.
"Obama kidnapped me and put a body double in my place," Kutner said, eating a brownie. "He killed that body double, you know." He nodded intuitively, then started dancing.
"Kutner!" Thirteen shouted from in between Cameron and Chase. "Come make this a foursome, dude! You know you want to!"
"I do," Kutner said, prancing over to the threesome. "Make room for some Kutner!"
Wilson giggled even harder, and jumped higher. "House, House, House, now it's a foursome!" he said. "Do you see that? Do you, do you, do you?"
"Foursome!" House shouted to everyone.
Sam started to come to, but Cuddy shot her in the back of the head. "Bitch, stay away from my man's man!"
"Thanks, Cuddy!" Wilson said happily.
"Anything to make you happy, birthday boy!" Cuddy said. "If you're happy, House is happy, I'm happy."
"Cuddy, where'd you get the gun?" House asked her, reaching out for it.
She gave it to him. "Some guy I met on the corner! He gave it to me for free!"
"Nice!" House said. "Foreman, you're going to have to go back to the hospital now."
Foreman looked at House sadly. "Why?" he whined.
House shot Foreman in the foot. "That's why. Bye Foreman!"
Foreman screamed and then ran out of the room.
"Thanks, Cuddy," House said, giving her back the gun. "I just needed to do that. Foreman annoys me."
"Who doesn't he annoy?" Wilson said. "Arrogant asshole."
Chase, Thirteen, Kutner, and Cameron fell on the floor.
"Someone get a picture of that!" Cuddy said, laughing.
Taub took out his phone and took the picture. "Who should I send it to?" he asked them, looking at the four people on the floor and laughing hysterically.
"Everyone in your phone!" Cameron giggled before kissing Thirteen.
Kutner laughed loudly.
"What should I name this gun, sweetie?" Cuddy asked Rachel, who clapped excitedly and laughed.
"Bobby!" she said. "That funny name!"
"Okay, everyone!" Cuddy announced. "My gun's name is Bobby! If I ever refer to Bobby, I'm talking about the gun!"
"Hi, Bobby!" the group shouted.
"Who wants more brownies?" House asked, producing another pan from behind the couch that Wilson was still jumping on. "There even more of the special ingredient!"
"Woo!" everyone cheered as they lunged for more brownies. Kutner, Chase, Cameron, and Thirteen even took a break to get another one of the brownies.
House saw someone from the corner of his eye. "Big Love!" he shouted. "Take a brownie!"
"I know what's in the brownies!" Cole said loudly. "It's –"
Cuddy shot him. "Don't reveal the secret!" she shouted. Big Love ran away, back to his child and new hospital.
"How do people keep finding out about this party?" House asked. "The only non-invitee welcome is Kutner!"
"It's all over the internet," said a voice from the door. It belonged to Stacy.
Cuddy pointed the gun at her. "Go back to CSI: New York, Stacy! Or I'll shoot," she threatened. Stacy backed out the door and ran away quickly.
"You better run!" Cuddy yelled, waving her gun around.
"Thank you, Cuddy!" House said, giving her a hug. "You make my life!"
"But," Wilson said, pouting and slowing his jumping.
"Wilson, you make my life, too!" House said, jumping on the couch and giving him a hug. "Whoa, this bouncing is fun!" He started to jump higher and higher. "Whee! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!"
Rachel made grabby hands at Sam's body. "Do you want to play in her hair?" Cuddy laughed. When Rachel nodded, Cuddy sat her by Sam's head and watched her play.
Several hours later, everyone had passed out but House and Wilson. "House, what'd you put in those brownies?" he asked, lying on the couch. House lay on the opposite side.
"Do you really want to know, Wilson?" House asked, laughing uncontrollably. "Do you? Do you?"
"Yes, House!" Wilson begged. "Tell me, I'm pretty sure everyone here has OD'd. I need to know what to tell the EMTs when they arrive."
"Buzz kill," House said. "It was only a little heroin! And weed. And cocaine. And vodka. They'll be fine!"
Wilson sighed. "You suck, House."
"Happy birthday, Wilson!"
XXX
This is just a little something I wrote at the spur of the moment. Because I felt like I needed to have everyone be high. And drunk. And. Yeah. But some of the concepts ("Special" Brownies, etc) was provided to me by Noelle (RolyPolyChase- go search her and read some of her stories), Cammie (Taub misjudging his nose. She's Rabidnar :D). And Reena. I also know this sucks, seeing as I wrote most of it at 11 PM when I was tired out of my mind xDD. But yes. This has been Wilson's Birthday Party- A Crack!Fic :D