She Didn't Get Very Pharah
The Story Of My Incredibly Incompetent Daughter
I remember that fateful day as if it were yesterday. In fact it was yesterday, I stared down the barrel of my rifle hoping to forget my biggest regret. My daughter, however, what I did only made me remember. I could never forget.
Its actually a good thing I lost an eye, now I only have to look at that utter disappointment with half my field of vision. Good thing I can't tell how far away she is from me. Why? Because I'm anything but close to her. I remember her fifth birthday, Hanzo brought along his wolves, they immediately proceeded to bite her and attack her. Wasn't my worst day as a parent, more attention than she'd ever get from me anyway. Not to mention they were the only ones I could think of to have any form of interest in her. Even her father had no interest in her, the second he laid eyes on her, he turned to me and said. "She will never do anything but disappoint". I thought he was wrong, though I turned out to be the wrong one. She is probably the single worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life, in fact my life would be so much better if she was never born. WIthout her, I wouldn't have to lie to command and say widowmaker shot my eye out… Yeah, it was a tough lunchbreak explaining that one to her. A little context should help clear up this issue a bit. When she was a young girl she had potential, very miniscule potential but potential nonetheless. She even joined the same branch of the military as I did so long ago. I thought for once in my life I would be proud of her, but when she walked out of the conference room and I saw that freaking ugly origin armor she was wearing… I knew that those were 20 years of my life I was never going to get back. Honestly, I cannot think of any other way to describe her other than a scrub. She is the scrubbiest egyptian in the whole country. Almost felt bad for Overwatch when I heard she joined, fat lotta good she'd do them. Why'd such a respectable organisation have such a trash member? The scrubbiest one in the whole force and you pick her?! Literally, anybody in her battalion would have been better. Even the janitor who stumbled into one of the suits and demolished ⅔ of the space in the barracks. She calls herself Pharah now so I hear, yeah, nice codename. I thought maybe giving her a nice name like Fareeah would make her a bit less awful. However, she actually managed to ruin the name Fareeah, what's the point of a codename if you could literally omit one sound and have it be your true identity? It literally hurts my non existent soul to think of how the people around her must feel. Yet again, thankful for the eye, next time I see her and she's still wearing that awful origin armor I can spare at least one eye from the visual torture. She is seriously too poor or too unlucky to get a better variant of the armor? I've seen a lot of respectable soldiers wearing armor infinitely more aesthetically pleasing than hers. The raindancer unit? They have grace, the raptorian unit has its own charm. What exactly is she though? The brown horror unit?! No that's too good for her. Honestly, she should have saved up and just bought a better suit or even just hoped that she'd freely get another one. I am literally ashamed that I have to call that heap of trash my daugher. You'd think the daughter of death itself would have been slightly more useful than she turned out to be. Instead of a child whose father was forced to reposition away to save himself from her sheer the subject of incompetence, her weapon choice. A rocket launcher?! A rocket launcher?! A ROCKET LAUNCHER?! The scrubbiest daughter in all of existence would obviously use a launcher, but her?! Even with her being the scum of the earth you'd think a smelly pile of garbage would aspire to be something more than a smelly pile of garbage. While a tower of smelly garbage isn't anything more than the same thing but taller at least it tried! She on the other hand, did not. How about a weapon that takes no skill to use?! She of course would agree! No aim required, just try to hit the area around them! Perfect! Just perfect! Despite this weapon being insanely easy to use, she of course is able to mess it up. She severely injured herself by shooting at the ground, she said rocket jumping sounded dangerous, than she did it anyway. I wonder if her concussion blast knocked out whatever scraps of brain she had in the first place and replaced it with manifested disappointment. That would explain why she's so big headed, she has the guts to call me the worst mom ever! I am the BEST mom ever! Most parents would have already been readying the pillow by the time the nurse left! At least I actually tried to have her life be more than the incredibly disappointment its been up to this point. She's always got her head in the clouds, her and her fancy jetpack. She never was grounded or had time to deal with the personal issues. Always chasing her silly empty endeavors. "Sorry Mom, can't go to dad's funeral cause this Reinhardt is killing me" "Mom I can't save you from that hog because the lucio in the well is taunting me. "MOM NOT NOW I'M CHASING THE EXOTIC PLAY OF THE GAME!" No integrity, she is quite literal the single most disappointing thing this Earth has ever encountered. Those who served in the omnic war are claimed as heroes, just like me and Jack. However, me more than anyone else. I should be a national hero! Why? I put up with 20 years of trash from the single only worthless human being to ever be born. Speaking of worthless, you think even the worst of the worst couldn't mess up a rain of missiles from above, right? You'd think, but she somehow does it. I've seen people who look suspiciously like her doing way better with that ultimate than her. She literally gets no kills with any of its uses and always wastes it. Once a heroic Zarya severely weakened a horde of enemies before having to reload. My "daughter" used her missiles to bring down the sliver of health they all had left and claimed the kills as her own. She didn't even have the shame to not brag to me about it! "Mom I just got a quad kill, what have you gotten?" She asks me as she is a bit satisfied with herself. I reply of course with, "Don't you mean that Zarya got a quad kill? We may have actually won earlier if a certain someone had been better with their ultimate" This happened only recently and I remember the argument we had, all the way to the end we fought each other. Constantly hurling insults back and forth all the way until we fail to ultimately deliver the payload. "You know we may have actually won that if we had a sixth team member" She returned my stare with a puzzled expression" Too bad my daughter isn't here, not that she'd have made much of an impact if she was. Maybe she was here and nobody noticed, not like she'd do anything significant enough to even be acknowledged. As we began our assault not much earlier she was too stupid to even comprehend my explanations as to the reasons only scrubs use the origins armor. I guess you can't teach an absolute scrub to be anything more than a worthless pile of garbage. I'm honestly surprised the enemy didn't follow killing her with the line, "Just took out the trash". Honestly though, anytime you manage to avoid spending any more time than necessary with her, that line is required! I wonder what went so wrong? Why did she have to punish me this way? Why must i live with the fact that I honestly can't tell whether her birth or the omnic crisis was the biggest tragedy to befall mankind I've taken part in. Just the fact that when I see her face I cannot think of a single happy memory of her. In all those 20 years not a single memory worth remembering came to be. That's not even the worst part, I know she's the worst part but there is more than I could ever imagine. You'd think that when you reach the level of scrubbiness that she permanently exists at you'd learn to accept your place right? Wrong! She had the audacity to insult me! The whole way through watchpoint Gibraltar she sarcastically titled me the best mom ever. Though usually she didn't even have the capacity to say that and resorted to, "You're the worst mom ever!" As well as a few other names you'd think someone that bad wouldn't have a right to say. There is no title awful enough to describe my immense feelings of hatred and disappointment when it comes to her. Anything else wouldn't bring tragedy of her birth justice. Justice may rain from above but the justice she will receive for her crime of existing awaits her far below. People liker her will never change, she will traverse her sad hollow life as the scrubby meaningless entity that she is. WIth that, I lay in this hospital bed. I will leave, i never again want to see that sad miserable excuse for a human being. Hero? A hero improves lives, all she does is remove their meaning. I may hide in the desert, but the memory of that trash origin armor will forever haunt me. The ugly shade of brown forever existing in my psyche as I wander the world looking for atonement as a punishment for bringing that disgusting waste of space into this world. I'm unsure whether or not they are real, but I've seen women who look just like my daughter. Unlike her though, they are amazing. They effectively use their ultimate and they use a rocket launcher with just as much precision as I with my rifle. They do not insult me, they accept their place and they account for their mistakes. They take pride in their appearance and make it clear with stunning and aesthetically pleasing armor choices such as raptorian and thunderbird. Why must these perfect beings exist and I forever be stuck with the odd one out? Any day I would gladly exchange my useless daughter for one of those true Phara's. Alas, however I am still stuck with my daugher who is as much use to me as the lie I told everyone about my eye. It is for that exact reason that I have to do better. My daughter may be the single most useless human being to ever exist but she won't be as soon as I'm done with her! In my hatred and malice I bestow onto her I hope to forge her. I will not give up, I may lose hope but she will not be known as a disappointment! She can be more… she will be more! Harsh? I'll give her worse, if anything will make her a tough as nails Overwatch fighter it will be the adversity I give her every time I see her pathetic face and that ugly brown helmet. To tell the truth, her father left both of us behind. I guess there's nothing Neither of us can do about it. That armor as well. Ugly but awfully familiar, almost as if I've worn it before? No matter, a pile of trash may forever be a pile of trash. If it aspires to be more than that however, at least once it has been torn to shreds we can honor it by at least saying it tried. She may be a disgusting pile of wasted space, but she's my disgusting pile of wasted space. She may be awful but weren't we all at some point. Nowhere near her level of awful. Like I mean it, so insanely far way from her level that 37,954 microscopes would be needed to even see it on the horizon but I guess its possible to relate. Yeah she may never get more than one real kill with her ultimate and she may take the credit from other people's actually skilled eliminations. However I guess that's just her way of feeling less awful about the miserable state she's in. I have to actively try and do something, yeah I usually end up with better medals and stats than her. As well as the fact that it usually takes some persuasion to even get her on the team a lot of the time. She may not be as skilled at using her weapon as I was and a lot of the time her ultimate usage can be questionable. However, I guess I am just supposed to live with it. Overall, I guess I'm going to need a new plan. I guess this disappointment may have more to her than I originally thought she did. Though she is still firmly in the, "tower of trash" phase. Someday, she may resolve to be more than that.
"This story is dedicated to Pharah herself. As well as the best Pharah player I have ever encountered. His dedication to the character and the narrative, even if it only lasted 1 game were astonishing. Having more fun in a game purely from the conversation between a mother and her daughter is quite a rare occurrence. Overall, thank you Pharah. (P.s. that origin skin is still trash)"