Doubt.
That word he would never have dared say out lout before, could now be found in each and every corner of his mind.
Doubt.
That word with which he had condemned other angels and which he thought he d never be a victim of, was now making him question each and every of his actions.
Was everything really God s will?
Did God really want all this? Did God really want Dean Winchester to remember what he d done in hell by making him torture Alister? Who was giving the orders if it wasn t God himself? Who was powerful enough to overcome God s will and have even him fooled?
Castiel shook his head trying to get all those confusing thoughts out of his head. The events of that day had been too much for him to handle. Finding out what Uriel had done, meeting Anna, having Dean
Dean.
He was supposed to be his guardian, but was a guardian angel supposed to ask of his protected what Castiel had asked of Dean that day? Castiel didn t know anymore. The line between right and wrong, he used to think he knew exactly where it started and where it ended. Things had changed though. Before, looking at the big blue sky would have been enough, he would have seen God there, and he d have had the certainty that things would be alright. But now, God was nowhere to be found in that blue sky. No matter for how long he stared at it, he really wasn t there.
Castiel wondered if it was his own fault that he couldn t see God. That he could only see those two tortured green eyes, pleading for forgiveness even if that man himself thought he didn t deserve it.
Having had Dean torture Alister wasn t something Castiel was proud of. Two more minutes alone with Dean and Castiel himself would have stopped him from opening that door again. But he didn t. And now the guilt Oh, the guilt. That feeling that made him sink even more into humanity. He hated it. He hated that he hadn t had the guts to go against his superiors and for what he thought was the right thing and stopped Dean from finding out yet another cruel truth that would make him even more miserable. He hated that he hadn t been strong enough to save Dean by himself and that he d ended up in the hospital for nothing. But most of all, he hated himself for not being able to put a hand on Dean s shoulder and say everything was gonna be alright, even if it all was just a big fat lie.
So much for being one of God s soldiers. He didn t feel like a soldier, he felt more like a puppet. And he didn t even know who was pulling the strings.
He had always thought his existence had a purpose, but that purpose only kept getting blurrier and blurrier, and it had got to the point where he couldn t see it anymore. And he was afraid. He just wanted his purpose and his God back, and those feelings of guilt and concern to go away. But Castiel knew.
He knew deep down that it was too late. He had gone too far. Someone had make him change. And for that someone s sake, he knew he d go right down to hell if that s what it took to save him.
There really was no going back, was it?
Castiel would have much preferred not to tell Dean that he was the one that had started the upcoming Apocalypse. But what was the use of lying? He would have found out sooner or later anyway. He needed to know why he had to be the one to stop it, it was for the best. Or so Castiel kept telling himself when didn t have the strength to look at Dean any longer.
So he just sat there, next to the hospital bed, trying to ignore the tears that were now rolling down Dean s cheeks. Because he knew that s what he wanted. And Castiel wasn t about to make it more difficult than it already was for him.
Dean s sobs were quiet, almost like whispers, but for some reason Castiel could hear them loud and clear. And what was that feeling in his chest? Was it what humans called heart ache? Castiel didn t know. But he didn t want to stay there and find out either.
But just when he was about to spread his wings and get out of there
Cas
Dean s voice sounded so weak, as if calling the angel s name was something that had just escaped his mouth by accident.
Castiel froze.
He then understood that leaving Dean s side was no longer an option.
Castiel let his hand rest on the bed, to then let his fingers softly brush Dean s hand, afraid that Dean wouldn t let him. But Dean didn t move his hand, not one inch. And then Castiel couldn t help but take Dean s hand and hold it tightly in his, hoping that that simple gesture could somehow give Dean some comfort, no matter how little.
They didn t look at each other. Both angel and hunter just sat there in silence, staring at the ceiling in the darkness of the hospital room.
And Castiel hoped that Dean understood everything he was trying to say without really saying it. Because what he was trying to give Dean was something that went beyond comfort. Something that could even send them both to Hell later on. But something that not even time would be able to break.
It s gonna be okay. I m here. You re strong, you ll get through this.
Dean could hear Castiel s voice resounding in his head. Even if Castiel wasn t saying anything, he could hear him loud and clear.
And even though when he went back to the real world he would have to deal with an Apocalypse and with the burden of having to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, he wanted to believe Castiel s words and let himself think, for at least one minute, that everything was really going to be alright.