I SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO WRITE AFTER THREE A.M

There were a few reasons the RED mercenaries might call for the Medic.

Maybe they had been fighting between themselves to the brink of death, as per usual.

Maybe they had some freak accident involving great heights and/or a lot of explosives, as per usual.

Maybe, just maybe, it was Pyro sprinting down the hallways screaming 'BALLOONICORN AND REINDOONICORN ARE HAVING BABIES!' As per-

Wait. What.

"Pyro vhat zhe Hell are you saying?"

"MMMPHHURRDURRMMMPH!"

Medic had even less of a clue then, if that was even possible. He pressed a hand to his forehead in a slow motion facepalm as Pyro flailed around all over his field of vision. At that moment, Scout sauntered down the red hallway toward them, with his swag on.

"It's okay guys!" he announced, overconfidence evident in his every fibre of being. "I GOT THIS."

With that the young merc produced a paint can from nowhere and lobbed it at Pyro. It stopped dead (after-hitting-Pyro-in-the-face-cough) and the frantic RED caught it gratefully. Promptly it shoved its head into the yucky-brown paint and started writing on the wall.

Yes. With its head.

Medic found this unacceptable on so many levels; his expression said it all. Imagine a really pissed off mad doctor. Yeah, it's a lot like that. Before he could explode however Pyro finished the crap-coloured scrawl and the support class felt inclined to go read it.

"'Balloonicorn and Reindoonicorn are having-' vhat now."

"…I thought they were both guys." Scout deadpanned.

"I vas running under zhe assumption zhey didn't exist." Medic responded evenly. "Did ve not all just happen to simultaneously hallucinate zhe same thing?" He could feel Pyro's pout through the gasmask. "…I guess not."

Because he swore some kind of oath or something Medic didn't have much of choice but to go help out. With a not-so-subtle glance around he broke a few laws of physics (incidentally, that was usually Pyro's job) and reached into his inventory. Fishing past the rather embarrassing Geisha Boy hat, he finally located the Pyrovision goggles and reluctantly switched them with his glasses.

…The ones he used for seeing…

Anyway, Scout had run off to find everyone, screaming how they were all totally a family and had to be there for the birth of their babies.

In the meantime, Medic and Pyro were suddenly sprinting all epic-style through the base in aid of two floaty unicorn things, but there simply wasn't TIME for that! Both of them magically teleported to their destination in a shower of colourful sparkles instead.

"VHAT AM I DOING VITH MY LIFE!?" Medic asked nobody in particular. Actually, that sounds much too mild. THE TRIPPING DOCTOR SCREAMED TO THE SKIES, DEMANDING TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING WITH HIS EIGHT HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SECOND LIFE BECAUSE APPARENTLY HE KEPT TRACK OF HIS RESPAWNS.

Phew. Better.

Either way they arrived on the scene of the happening. Balloonicorn and Reindoonicorn didn't appear to be doing much besides sitting on Spy's bed. Wait why the Hell are they in Spy's room?

"Pyro?" Medic whispered awkwardly, "Vhich one's zhe girl?"

Pyro guffawed for a moment because that was such a stupid question as far as it was concerned, then pointed out the Reindoonicorn.

"…Zhe pink, squishy one is zhe male? NOT ZHAT I'M SEXIST!" Medic blurted to the forth wall. Balloonicorn tried to flip him off only to remember it – he – had rather stubby hooves and no middle finger.

The rest of the team arrived in time to interrupt the awkward experience, all seven of them staggering drunkenly as they peered through Pyrovision goggles. In order to look more fatherly they also wore the ever grand Noble Amassment of Hats.

"Hey hey heeeeey," Demo slurred, chucking a moth bitten pillow into the room, "Look wha w' got ye!"

"You're so drunk. How are you still alive?" Soldier observed/asked grumpily. Spy had bigger concerns on his mind though;

"Point of information," the support class began politely, "I did NOT sign up for two balloon animals to use my room as a maternity ward."

Sniper held up for about four seconds before falling over in spluttering hysterics. Spy stole a glance at the knife in his pocket, considering. It would be so easy.

"No killing in front of babies!" Heavy scolded, meaning to tap Spy on the back of the head but accidently denting his skull instead. "Oops."

Oh yeah, the babies.

"Pyro, in all honesty I've never delivered a unicorn baby before," Medic admitted, as though he should have at some point in his life. Engy, ever the optimist, smiled calmly;

"Aw, how hard can it be? They're so cute! Plus they eat fear and that's kinda cool."

What.

Medic just shuddered and prepped his medigun, as a precaution. Pyro was anxiously pacing, but quickly ran out of space – there were eight men and two unicorn things (oh and Teddy Roosebelt he's the godfather) in there – so it ended up walking up and down the walls.

At that point, Reindoonicorn started to-

Wait.

I'm not gonna write a scene where a squishy unicorn-reindeer-balloon hybrid of questionable existence gives birth. I'm not. Let's do an unscheduled time jump.

~TWELVE SECONDS LATER~

'IT'S BEAUTIFUL' is a rough translation of what Pyro was saying. 'SO BEAUTIFUL'. The emotional pyromaniac cried some emotional tears emotionally, but nobody knew because it never took off the gasmask.

The RED team gathered, pure confusion plastered on their faces, around the bed. The most peculiar, strangely cute thing sat innocently on the moth-bitten pillow. It was tiny, pink like its daddy, but with purple antlers similar to its mum's.

And they called it Balloondoonicorn.

And it was good.

I DON'T OWN TF2 M'KAY BYE