This is a parody of Cinderella, and several other fairy tales. Written because the idea was too amusing (to me) to pass up.
Inspired by this quote:
"What are you? Her fairy godmother or something?"
—Julius Root, Artemis Fowl, Pg 80, US Paperback Edition
Cast:
Holly playing Cinderella
Foaly playing the Fairy Godmother, or rather, Fairy God-Centaur
Root playing the Father of Cinderella
Trouble Duo playing the Evilly Maddening Stepbrothers of Cinderella
Artemis I playing King (Rarely)Amiable
Artemis II playing Prince (Un)Charming
Angeline playing Queen Grace
Butler playing the Royal Bodyguard
Juliet playing the Royal (Hard)Hand Maiden
Myles and Beckett playing the Twin Princes.
Special Appearances:
Mulch as the Dog Driver.
Minerva as Little Red Riding Hood
Opal and her henchmen as the Evil Elves Who Try to Ruin Happy Endings
and
The Mad Hatter as himself!
Disclaimer: The story of Cinderella and several others does not belong to me, nor does the story of Artemis Fowl nor do its characters.
Fairy Tale Life
What made the Fowls royalty? Three simple facts: the Fowls were clearly taller, supposedly smarter, and their ears did not end with a point. No one was quite sure what ears had to do with the ability to rule over a kingdom, and no one wanted to admit that they didn't know when it was supposedly common knowledge. Thus, no one knows the tale of rounded ears and everyone assumes that everyone knows.
Perhaps the Royal Family was smarter after all.
But regardless of the level of intelligence of the Royal Family, or even that of the Common Folk, life went on with the Fowls ruling from their palace and the Commoners happily living under their rule by ignoring most of their rules. Life was pretty good for the most part.
In order to ensure that the order of things remained such for a long, long time, the Royal Fowl Linage obviously had to continue. Unfortunately, the current Prince (Un)Charming, was far more interested in expanding the Royal Treasure Rooms than creating Miniature Royal Heirs.
So that, dear readers, was why the Royal Fowl Family was sponsoring a Royal Ball, entitled, "Royal Ball Held in Honor of the Royal Prince Charming in Order For Him to Choose a Proper Prospective Princess to Be His Royal Wife."
The Fowls were rather fond of elongated titles. And the word 'royal'.
While everyone was busy getting ready for the Ball, and the Evil Elves began on their plans to mess everything up, one little Commoner who was known by the name of Cinderella was cleaning the chimney. Or rather, she was supposed to be cleaning the chimney. Her father, known as Root, had ordered his sons, who everyone addressed as the Trouble Duo and Cinderella labeled as Evilly Maddening Stepbrothers, EMS for short, to clean the chimney. They, in turn, ordered their stepsister to do it. Cinderella ignored them, slipped some red hot pepper into their soup, and climbed up the chimney to sit on the roof.
So, while everyone fell over themselves, made deals with suspicious old woman, and bought one magic beauty potion after another, Cinderella sat on the edge of the roof of their moderately well-off home, and enjoyed the breeze and the view of her step brothers dancing around below with burning tongues.
Life was good.
When his goddaughter-in-need radar went off, the Fairy Godmother known as Foaly had been ready to sink his teeth into a beautifully made, guaranteed to be delicious, carrot pie. He put the pie down with great reluctance and a heavy hearted sigh. What wonderful timing his godchild had. He could already tell just how much he would adore her.
Life stunk.
"I told you," Foaly eyed the knife pointed at him warily. It hadn't budged an inch since he had arrived. He was beginning to regret popping right into her home. Using the front door would probably have been a better idea. "I'm your Fairy Godmother and I would appreciate it if you lowered the knife please."
Cinderella, his ungrateful Commoner Goddaughter, instead of listening, moved the knife closer. "I don't believe you. You're male."
"Thank you for pointing that out. I really had no idea." He crossed his arms. He was really not fond of people mentioning that little fact.
"Fairy Godmother? Shouldn't it be Fairy Godfather?"
"I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've petitioned for the name to be changed." Foaly muttered. "But does anyone listen? Nooo, we have to follow tradition."
"Okay…" Holly finally lowered the knife, much to Foaly's relief. "Why are you here, Fairy Godmother?"
Foaly didn't miss the emphasis she put on a certain part of his title. "Before I launch into my explanation of how I'm going to make your life all better, I have a question for you."
"What?" Cinderella eyed the centaur with no little suspicion.
"What kind of name is Cinderella?" Foaly snickered. Really, Cinderella? Was that truly the best name her parents could come up with?
"What kind of title is Fairy Godmother?" Cinderella shot back immediately, with the air of one accustomed to receiving ridicule for her name.
"Not my fault, it was your lot that pined this name on me." The fairy godmother grumbled. "But at least I have a hard-earned alternative title, Fairy God-Centaur. What have yougot?"
"A real name." She replied, smug. "Cinderella is just a stupid nickname my EMS saddled me with. My real name is Holly."
Foaly didn't say anything for a moment. Cinderella, or rather Holly, smirked at him.
"I think this is the start of a very long and tiring relationship." He said finally.
"You can quit. I don't mind."
"I don't think so."
"Alright, the plan is—"
Holly, as she had insisted she be called, interrupted him. "Do I really need to wear a dress?"
"Yes, don't interrupt. Now like I was—"
"Why? I like pants better." She frowned at the glittery, intricate gown Foaly had created from the kitchen tablecloth. It was a dark blue color, and sparkled more than the night sky. Holly suspected the reason for the extra dazzle was to hide the stains that had been left there that morning by the EMS.
"Did I ask if I care?" Foaly said, a touch snidely. "Just—"
"I can run faster in them." Holly added.
Foaly stared at her, bemused. "You're going courting. To a prince. Why, in Frond's name, do you think you'll need to run?"
"…he probably won't be too pleased when I break his toes."
"You can't dance? You didn't think to mention this before?" What was wrong with his godchild?
"It didn't seem important." Holly shrugged nonchalantly.
"You want to go to a ball. Why the heck do want to go to a ball if you can't dance"
"I never said I wanted to go. You're the one who forced this dress on me and made this too elaborate plan to get me there when all you have to do is use your magic."
"…" Foaly really couldn't say anything to counter that.
"You made a gown out of rags, turned the mice from the kitchen into horses, the old dog into some sort of a hairy driver, and you're a mythical creature that shouldn't exist in the first place." Holly listed on her hand. "Surely you can just bi-pity-bop-pity-boo me there."
"…" He still had nothing.
"You can still quit if you want." Holly said smugly.
"…no." Okay, weak, but still something at least.
"Suit yourself." Holly shrugged, turning back to the dress. She lifted one of the lacy petticoats and frowned at it. "Can't I at least wear something that isn't this breezy?"
"Are you positive that you're a girl?"
And hence, Cinderella became the first person in history to give a Fairy Godmother a concussion and Foaly became the first Fairy Godmother in history to get a concussion.
"I can't believe you hit me." Foaly grumbled, rubbing his swollen check gently.
"I can't believe you got a concussion from one punch." Holly replied, leaning curiously out the window of the carriage. Pumpkin carriages apparently had large windows and no glass which suited Holly just fine. She loved the cleansing sensation of the wind on her face.
"I can't believe you just stuck your head out the window and absolutely ruined your hairdo." Foaly grumbled, resting his aching head on the cool plastic in front of him.
"Ican't believe you shrunk yourself and hid in my purse just so you could come with me to the ball." Holly shot back, not pulling back in.
"…can we stop playing this game?"
"Sure. It's not that fun anyway."
Neither of them said anything for a while. Holly watched the scenery pass by from the window, her perfect hairdo a distant memory by that point, while Foaly attempted to tune out the dull thudding of his head. Perhaps ten minutes of silence passed by before Holly spoke.
"Can I ask you something?"
"What?" Foaly grumbled.
"Just how good a sense of direction do dogs have?" She pointed out the window.
Outside her window, Little Red Riding Hood ran by, blond curly hair a bigger mess than Holly's, glasses slipping down her nose, screaming bloody murder all the way. She was being chased by the Three Demons that lived in the Bear Caves in the Eerie, Creepy, Disturbing Woods.
The Eerie, Creepy, Disturbing Woods were on the opposite side of the Kingdom than the Royal Place.
"Tell the dog he's fired." Foaly groaned.
"You're fired." Holly relayed the news to the driver.
"Arf." went the Mulch, Dog Driver.
"We're late, we're late, we're late," Foaly chanted as Holly made her way up the Royal Steps that led to the Royal Palace where the Royal Ball was being held. "We're very, very late. Hope the Royal Family isn't fond of chopping heads off."
"We wouldn't be late if you had used magic to send us here like I said." Holly pointed out, taking the stairs one at a time. Normally she'd take them two at a time, but it was surprisingly hard to walk up stairs in a dress. This, Holly decided, was poor planning on the Royal Family's part.
"I'm not going to use my magic irresponsibly." Foaly answered stubbornly, his fingers digging into the perilously swinging purse. It was a good thing one of the requirements for becoming a Fairy Godmother was having a strong stomach. A very good thing.
"You're just annoyed that you didn't think of it first."
"…I'm not going to use my magic irresponsibly." Foaly repeated, though this time, it was more as a chant to keep himself from turning Cinderella into a toad.
"Like making a gown of glitter isn't wasteful at all." Holly grumbled, hitching up the long flowing skirt so that she could climb easier. Her gaze fell on her uncovered feet. "And what about these glass slippers? Why do I need slippers made of glass? And, more importantly, why haven't they cracked yet?"
"It's part of the Rules." Foaly informed her.
"You have no idea do you?"
"None whatsoever." He admitted. "I think the Godgrandmother's in charge of making the rules thought it was romantic."
"What's so romantic about having shoes that show everyone your calloused and pale feet?" Holly sent the shoes a look of intense distaste.
"Don't ask me, I'm only a Fairy Godmother by occupation." Something that he was really regretting at the moment. He ducked deeper into the purse, but the queasiness did not go away. Yes, he was really regretting this. "They on the other hand were born into it. Poor things."
"Are you sure you can't just bi-pity-pop us into the castle?" Holly asked.
"Not a chance." Foaly poked his head out of the purse. "Besides you're nearly there."
"No I'm not." Holly informed him as she reached the last step. "Look."
Foaly leaned further out of the pure and looked in front of him. Miles and miles of stairs stretched out into the very distance were the image of the Royal was just visible. "You know, it looked a lot closer from the carriage."
"Bi-pity-pop us. Now."
"It's Bipidi-boppity-boo, by the way." And then he sent them to the palace.
"Well, this is fun." Holly said rather sarcastically. She took a sip of her punch as she watched the disarray in front of her. "Remind me how my life is supposed to get better because of this ball?"
"According to the Rules," her purse started, in a slightly muffled voice. "You're supposed to meet your Prince Charming and live Happily Ever After."
"…So, how's that supposed to make my life better?"
"Just shut up and let me do my job." Foaly snapped from inside the cramped, dark purse. "Why are you asking all this now?"
"Because I've got nothing better to do." She placed her empty glass on Humpty Dumpty's flat head as he waddled past. "Isn't it kind of hard to do your job when Mr. Prince Charming is skiving off his own ball?"
And it was true; the Prince had not bothered to attend his own Ball. The entire palace was currently frantically searching for the missing prince. No one had even noticed Holly arrive, something that had rather miffed the Fairy Godmother off. He had put a lot of thought into that dress, and no one had even noticed. That was so not fair.
On the bright part, not being noticed meant that Holly did not have to go through the series of tests that all the other Proper Prospective Princess had engaged in. Foaly had a gut feeling that Holly would not have been able to pass any of the tests.
"You know, you look familiar. Have we met before?"
Holly turned away from observing the Royal Twins entertaining some of the guests by staining deigns with punch into the bottom halves of their gowns when they weren't looking to see her stepbrothers standing in front of her, watching her curiously. Inside the purse, Foaly frowned. Why were they here? Wasn't this a Female Only Event?
"Nope, never seen you before in my life." Holly stated, walking away. "See you later EMS."
The Royal doors burst open, distracting the EMS could make the connections and drawing the attention of everyone in the room. In walked King Amiable, Queen Grace, and, escorted by a giant in a suit, Prince Charming.
No one noticed as Foaly snapped open the purse and jumped out, changing back to his regular size along the way. Hey, if this wasn't a Only Female's Event, then he wasn't staying inside that stuffy purse any longer than he had to. Besides, everyone was sure to pay more attention to the drama that was sure to unfold now that the Royal Family had appeared to notice him. Royal Families were useful like that, demanding everyone's attention whenever they entered a room.
The Prince surveyed the room. All the hopefuls tried to puff themselves up, to attract his attention. Holly snorted at their desperate actions and crossed her arms in defiance as Foaly motioned for her to do the same thing. The glitter on her dress sparkled like a thousand tiny diamonds as she moved, catching the Prince's attention. His eyes focused on her dress, narrowed in contemplation, and he headed towards her.
"How did you manage that?" he asked, once within he was within speaking distance. He didn't bother with introductions or any social necessities.
"Manage what?" Holly asked, trying her best to ignore his rudeness.
"To get your…dress to glisten in such a manner." He frowned at it thoughtfully, ignoring the shocked and desolate cries behind him. He reached for one particularly sparkly part of the gown, at the bottom right near her feet. "They look like diamonds."
Holly jerked the cloth out of his reach. "Do that again and I'll knock you out." She warned.
"I'm the prince." He informed her.
"Alright, Mr. Prince. Do that again, and I'll punch your lights out."
"I don't think you can do that to Royalty." Prince Charming said, starting to get a little irritated.
"Try it." Holly dared him.
"Well that was easy." Juliet, the Royal Hand Maiden observed. She eyed the wailing former contestants. "Need help getting rid of the losers?"
"I think I can manage," Her brother, the Royal Bodyguard answered, amused.
"Tea?" The Mad Hatter asked Foaly from the table next to him where he had been sipping tea and watching the entire scene. He poured the centaur some tea from the pot that housed the Evil Elves Who Try to Ruin Happy Endings. He had trapped them there after they tried to steal his hat for their plan, which by the way had failed.
"Don't mind if I do." The centaur accepted the offered cup and sat down to watch his Goddaughter and her husband-to-be 'court'.
And they lived Happily Ever After