The Adventure Of Finn The Goldfish
Finn stared at the blank computer screen with an even blanker expression. He had an open-ended Spanish essay due tomorrow and he could not, for the life of him, think of anything to write.
"Can I-" he started, turning to his step-brother who was sprawled out on his bed reading a magazine.
"No, Finn," Kurt said, giving him a withering look. "You may not get a drink of water, or go to the restroom, or see there is any pie left in the refrigerator. You may, however, finish your essay. I will not have you staying up late! Getting up early to make it to Dalton on time is bad enough, but if I have to hear you clacking away at the keyboard with your giant hands at three a.m., I may kill someone… namely you."
Finn gulped and turned back to his computer. Sure, his step-brother was small and fragile-looking, but Finn was still a little bit afraid of what he could do when provoked. He didn't really want to find out.
He sighed and ran his fingers over the keys, accidentally pressing in the space bar. He held the bar down, watching the cursor flying across the screen. He chuckled.
"Finn, that doesn't sound like homework," Kurt said.
"What does homework sound like?" Finn asked, confused.
Kurt rolled his eyes and went back to his magazine.
"Don't you have homework?"
"I finished it while you were sleeping. You slept until 2:30 yesterday."
"It was Saturday!"
"Which is why you now have an essay to write on Sunday afternoon," Kurt said, matter-of-factly.
Grumbling, Finn turned back to the still blank Word document. He looked around at the piles of junk on his desk: dirty plates, old socks, a few pairs of boxers and a deflated football.
He grabbed the football, tossing it in the air. He could write about football, or girls, or the recent wedding but he didn't know any of those words in Spanish.
"Kurt, will you read my essay after I'm done?"
"I didn't take Spanish."
"But you took French. They're similar, right?"
Kurt sighed.
"If you finish your essay before dinner, I'll read it."
Finn grinned, tossing the football over his shoulder as he faced the computer. He stared at the screen for a solid five minutes before he groaned and dropped his head into his hands. At that moment, Carole appeared at the top of the basement staircase.
"Hey boys! I just got home from work, so dinner won't be for at least another hour. Do either of you want a snack?"
"YES!" Finn exclaimed, jumping up and barreling up the stairs past his mom.
Kurt groaned.
"Does he have some homework assignment he has to do?" Carole asked knowingly.
"Spanish essay."
"I'll herd him back down."
"Thanks, Carole."
"No problem, dear."
Carole walked into the kitchen to see Finn pulling the two-pound carton of Goldfish down from the top shelf of the pantry. He sat down at the table, popped open a can of Coke, and began to eat.
"Finn, honey, why don't you take your snack downstairs?"
"Uhmmuph," Finn muttered with a mouth full of crackers.
"Go on," Carole urged.
Finn snatched up his food and trudged back down into the basement.
"Goldfish?" he offered to an annoyed Kurt.
"Finish your essay, Finn."
Finn set the carton and the Coke on his desk. For a few minutes, he munched on the crackers while he examined the container. On one side they had a picture of a cracker framed with a few lines on its personal philosophy and its supposed achievements. The fish, just like the ones he was rapidly consuming, was of the cheddar variety. Its name was Finn.
"Kurt… KUUUURRTTT! KURT GUESS WHAT?"
"What is it?"
Finn grabbed the carton and hurried to where Kurt was sitting.
"KURT, THE GOLDFISH IS NAMED AFTER ME!" he said excitedly, pointing to the picture on the box.
Without a word, Kurt got up and walked up the steps.
"You'd better not leave this room until your essay is finished," he called after him.
Finn looked back at the Goldfish container, his joy unaffected by Kurt's apparent agitation. He found an essay topic! He was fairly sure the word for goldfish was pez de colores and the rest he work around his limited skills.
Once upon a time, there was a goldfish named Finn. He was a cheddar goldfish which meant he was the best kind. This goldfish went to high school at Swimmy McKinley High School and played football and sang in the Glee Club. He was also super popular and had his pick of the ladies. Everyone loved him.
One day, Finn was swimming down the halls at school where he ran into his friend Puck. Puck was an extreme flavor-blasted pizza goldfish because he was a badass. He also had a Mohawk. He was talking about how much he hated school and Finn agreed. They went to Spanish class and saw Mr. Schue, a parmesan goldfish with a plaid vest. Mr. Schue said hi to Finn and Puck and then they took a seat. After class Finn went to math while Puck went to hide out under the bleachers. Puck hated math. Math was boring except that his really hot teacher's shirt kept rising up.
At lunch, Finn sat with Puck, Mike, Sam, and Artie. They were all on the football team together. They were also in Glee Club. Mike was a whole grain goldfish because he was skinny and quiet, like a healthy person. Artie was pretzel goldfish because he was nice but awkward, like a pretzel and Sam was a regular pizza goldfish just because. Finn ate a turkey sandwich for lunch because that's what his mom packed him. It was good.
After lunch, Finn dozed through his other classes because they were all boring. Then it was time for Glee Club. Finn saw all his friends from lunch, plus Rachel, Quinn, Mercedes, Tina, Brittany, and Santana. Rachel was a cheddar goldfish like him. She had to be gold because she liked being the best. She would have complained if she was a silverfish. Quinn was a baby cheddar goldfish, not because she was little, but because she had a baby. Mercedes was a bright purple goldfish because she was a diva and very good at standing out. Tina was a blue goldfish because she was shy and blue means shy. Brittany was a goldfish graham cracker because she was sweet and random and not like the rest of them but still totally awesome. Santana was an extreme flavor-blasted cheddar goldfish because she was really bossy and intimidating.
Anyway, Mr. Schue came in because he was also the Glee Club teacher. He started talking about music and dancing and Journey. Finn was mostly paying attention, but Finn was also staring at Rachel and sometimes Quinn. Boys can't help that sometimes. They decided to sing a song, and Finn got to sing lead with Rachel because he is very good and she is good too.
After Glee, Finn went to football practice with all the other boys in the Glee Club. They ran around and practiced plays and tackled each other. They were the best team ever and they won every game and everyone loved them. Both Rachel and Quinn wanted to go with Finn to the dance, along with almost all the other girls in school. Finn decided to go alone and just dance with all the girls.
At the dance, the girls all looked super cute. Finn danced with all of them and they all liked him. Suddenly, in the middle of the dance, a giant robot burst into the gym and started eating people. He ate Sam first, then Karofsky, a dumb original flavored goldfish. You know, the bland ones that no body likes. Finn stepped up and challenged the robot to a singing competition. Finn totally won because robots can't sing. The robot exploded and everyone cheered because Finn is totally awesome. Rachel and Quinn both kissed him and he was super happy. The end.
Finn printed out the story and ran it upstairs. Kurt was casually reclining in the living room, watching The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
"Kurt! I'm done. Will you read it now?"
Kurt glanced over and extended his hand to accept the printout. Finn handed it over happily.
Finn watched Kurt's expression while he read. It shifted between amusement and confusion several times. When he was finished, Kurt looked up at his step-brother.
"Well?" Finn prompted eagerly.
"It was a very interesting story, Finn. You've got a good imagination. There's only one problem…"
Finn frowned.
"What is it?"
"You wrote it in English."
So this was just an idea I was playing with. A quick write that I started and finished today… something that never happens. Once I connected the dots between Finn and the goldfish with a similar name, I figured he would be as excited as I was. I tried to write the story in his words and not mine. That was surprisingly tricky because he's not one of the characters that I closely identify with. I did my best to adapt to his though processes and speech patterns.
It was just something floating around in my head and I figured it would be cute. At least, I hope that's how you all found it. Feedback is always appreciated but never demanded. I always like to know what others think of my writing style and characterizations.
This got in the way of some Kurt/Blaine stuff that I've been thinking of. One is a one-shot about Kurt's quote in the Super Bowl episode: "Blaine and I love football… well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves." Another one is a relatively short fic about Blaine and Kurt playing roles in When Harry Met Sally. I'd love to hear thoughts on those too. What you'd prefer, and whatnot.
Alright, enough rambling. I hope you enjoyed my little story. :D