Lina Inverse and the Special Rock
By Jen Cleary
Rating: PG-13 (language and sexual dialogue) Author's Notes: All right, second attempt of a Harry Potter parody, featuring Slayers characters. I decided to do something a little different, I hope you all like it (It really helped when I actually read them). Please review this, I like comments and I hate flames. AHHHHHH! THE BUBBLES ARE BURNING MY TONGUE! Anyway, here ish mah story and I hope you enjoy it. Warning: this contains OOC-ness and some other things too. By the way.I REALLY hate Britney Spears, but I had to mention this so you all know my opinion on her, only because her name is mentioned in the story a few times or so.
Character Associations
Quick note: I don't like how families and stuff are like that in HP, so I made them all as I saw fit. If you don't like it.tough burnt cookies Harry= Lina Ron= Gourry Hermoine= Amelia Malfoy= Naga Aunt Petunia= Martina Uncle Vernon= Zangulus Percy= Luna Hagrid= Zelgadiss Prof. Snape= Xelloss Prof. Quirrel= Rezo Prof. MacGonnagal= Filia Prof. Dumbledore= Prince Phil The Author= the author Annoying Silliness Guy= Valgarv Voldemort= Shabrinigdu/What's his face
And now......the story!
"Martina, do I have a wart here?" a man wearing a hat and dark long hair pointed at his butt. His spouse, Martina, felt around and shook her head. "Zangy.honey.there's nothing to worry about, you'll be fine." Martina stopped feeling Zangulus's butt and then picked up the newspaper. There the headline read:
Two Shopkeepers Dead After Tragic Whipped Topping Explosion Last evening, it is reported that two Shopkeepers, were reported dead after a batch of whipped topping, exploded in a vat, brutally mangling the two shopkeepers. They are survived by their two children, Luna and Lina Inverse. Luna is currently in boarding school, and Lina is being sent to her relatives.
"Zangy, baby." Martina poked her husband, whose coffee spilled all over his lap. "Well, there goes our chances of having kids." Zangulus muttered to himself. "What is it now?" He rested his face on the table. "They're coming." Martina got up and grabbed a box of matches and a bottle of gin. "Get our insurance papers. And all our keepsakes." She ordered and Zangulus just sat there like a lump. "Damn you!" Martina burst out of the kitchen and packed some of their things that they planned to take with them while the house burned. "Martinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Zangulus whined. Martina poked her head through the bead curtain that separated the kitchen from the rest of the house. "What?" "I spilled coffee on my thingy." "You have to be more careful, you know." Martina handed Zangulus a gin- soaked paper towel and he dabbed himself..there.(shudder) "Um.excuse me?" a voice from overhead asked. "Huh?" Martina looked at the ceiling fan. "Is this going to go anywhere?" the voice asked again, there was a slurping noise and then the voice said, "I would like this scene to move along eventually.I'm on a schedule here." "And who exactly are you?" Martina stood upright and put her hands on her hips. "Don't disrespect my authority little midget." The voice took on a threatening tone. "Who's authority am I disrespecting?!" Martina crossed her arms and waited. "Hold on a minute." there was a crash and after a long silence, a knock came to the back door. Martina went to open and found a girl there, leaning on the frame panting and wheezing. "Who are you?" Martina scratched her head. "Your worst nightmare!" the girl said, giving off a booming echo from overhead. "I see.so you're the god of this story or something?" "You don't have a contract with another god do you?" the girl caught her breath and stood up straight. "Zolmelgustar.he's kinda still around you know." Martina responded. The girl grinned and put her hand on Martina's shoulder. "He's under contract with me. So you're screwed either way." The girl said and then left. "NOW GET ON WITH THIS SCENE!" her voice boomed from overhead again and they continued on with the scene, the house burned down and as Lina was just arriving. "Hello?" Lina knocked on the charred door, "75th cousins? Are you home?" Lina knocked on the door again. "Martina? Zangulus? Hellooooooooooooo?!" Lina then noticed the burned out part of the door and peeked through. "Congratulations!" Zangulus jumped into Lina's sight, making her jump back and scream in surprise. "Your youthful curiosity has finally rewarded you!" Zangulus opened a black suitcase which spewed fog. "You are rewarded with a SUITCASE FULL OF ICE! Congratulations!" Zangulus shoved the suitcase through the hole and it landed at Lina's feet. "Are you Zangulus?" Lina pointed at the crazy man dancing around in burnt rags. "Are you Sparkle the squirrel? I'm your biggest fan!" Zangulus opened the door for Lina and let her step through. "All of the stuff I collected is all ashy and burned now.BUT I'M STILL YOUR BIGGEST FAN!" Zangulus hugged Lina and she pushed him away. "Have you been taking sips of someone's secret booze stash or something?" Lina smelled Zangulus's breath as he stared at her wide eyed and mouthed. "Wooh.you have." she fanned the smell away. "Hello Lina," Martina whispered menacingly in Lina's ear, making Lina turn around and hit Martina square in the face with her suitcase. "Die you cannibal!" Lina stomped on Martina's stomach and then sat on it. "Oh.hi Martina!" she said brightly and got off. "Sorry for stomping on you.are you all right?" "After being smacked with a steel suitcase, no not really." Martina rubbed her face and got up. "As you can see, we don't exactly have a house now. So you're going to have to go to boarding school with your sister." Martina grinned wickedly. "L-l-l-Luna?" Lina stood back in shock, "I don't really want to go to boarding school." "Would you rather live in a Motel 2 while they rebuild this house?" Martina grinned some more. Lina thought about the conditions of a Motel 2 the last time she stayed there (roaches, weird smells and strange screaming noises coming from nearby rooms) and shook her head. "Good." Martina sneered and looked around the ashes for something that seemed to be important. "Zangy.where's that letter for Lina? I need to give it to her." "The walls are melting again!" Zangulus jumped up on the still flaming sofa, "Melty! Melty! Melty!" Suddenly a tranquilizer dart hit Zangulus in the throat and he instantly calmed down and fell to the floor. "What in the world?" Lina scratched her head and looked around for the source for the dart. "Eh-he-he-heh." the author scratched her head, "I had to do something.it was getting pathetic." "I see.so you're the all mighty author person here aren't you?" Lina raised an eyebrow. "Yeah." The author nodded excitedly, "I suggest you don't make me mad or anything, otherwise.you end up with a dose of Ritalin that lasts a few days." The author grinned. "Oh.well if I run into anything, can I call you or something?" Lina spoke carefully, making sure not to get any tranquilizer darts in the throat throughout the story. "Call me Ishmael.ack.wrong story.um.call me." the author thought for a moment, pacing about thinking. "Death.no.Jinu.yes." she tapped her fingers together evilly, "Jinu.Jinu." "Kay." Lina smiled and looked at Martina searching around frantically. "Um.would you mind telling her where that thing she needs to give me is at, so we can go on?" "Aw.and ruin my fun?" The author pouted, "Maybe I'll just go and do a Fushigi Yuugi fic instead.and delete this one off the hard drive." she said pretending to leave (damn b button!). "I found it!" Martina waved an envelope in the air and rushed it to Lina. "To Miss Lina Inverse, Burned Down House in the Ghetto, Pyrotown." Lina read the front of the envelope. She flipped it over and read the back. "From Ceiphied's School for Mages and Swordsmen. Mages and Swordsmen." Lina fantasized about some dreamy man giving her a fat slice of....ROAST BEEF! (Jeez, you people are perverted!) "I'll go!" Lina grabbed her suitcases and rushed through the scorched door and down the street.
"All right.hold it right there, missy." A man put his hand in front of Lina while she was at a bus stop, waiting for the bus. Lina was just standing there, giving the man a strange look. "Um.I'm just standing here." Lina shrugged and peered at the man hiding under the hood. "Who are you?" The man pulled up his mask to his eyebrows. "Don't look!" he pulled his hood down to his chin. Lina scratched her head and blinked in confusion. There was a sound of someone loading a dart into a blowgun, and the man then pulled down his mask and hood. "My name's Zelgadiss. I'm here to escort you to Ceiphied's and to also help you shop for your things. You have your list don't you?" Lina searched her pockets and her boots. "No.not there." Lina reached into her bra, and Zelgadiss turned away blushing. "I got it!" "You put it down your shirt?" Zelgadiss faced Lina once again and snatched it from her hands. "You sister has nearly everything you need at the school for you. You just need a familiar and your uniform." "I have to have a uniform?" Lina asked, "How fun!" she grinned and bounced down the street. "Let's go already!" "Um.we have to go that way." Zelgadiss pointed in the opposite direction and Lina hopped in that direction, trying to keep up with Zelgadiss. "Uh.exactly what do you do at the school?" Lina watched Zelgadiss's face sink. "Are you going to tell me or do I have to force it out of you?" "I'm.the sandpaper." He said finally, making Lina fall to the cement laughing. "Sandpaper.that's priceless!" she wiped away a tear, and Zelgadiss pulled Lina to her feet by her shirt. "Don't laugh at my job." Zelgadiss threatened and let Lina go. "Be nice, rock boy." The author scolded from a roof, waving her blowgun. "I'm sorry Miss Jinu, but she was making fun of me!" Zelgadiss pointed at Lina. "Quiet you." The author snapped and clapped her hands. "And so with the power vested in me, I hereby declare Lina all prepared for Ceiphied's!" Lina's arm's then filled with her 'uniforms'. "A bikini?" Lina held up one 'uniform'. "Don't question me." The author narrowed her eyes and disappeared. "You should have been at Ceiphied's when I went there." Zelgadiss muttered to Lina. "She made all the students wear uniforms from the Old West." "Be glad I'm not choosing Renaissance Scotland this year." The author popped up behind Zelgadiss and glomped him. "Lina, I hope you like your ferret." "Ferret?" Lina looked at the pile of clothing in her hands, suddenly her leggings started to squeak wildly and thrash about. She picked up the legging and it squealed in its shrill ferret voice. "I'm going to name him Dragon Spooker the Second.only because I'm the first." Lina declared and then threw her stuff in her suitcase. "To the UFO!" the author declared and fell off of Zelgadiss, who grabbed Lina's wrist and zoomed to a secluded area of the city, the volcano in the main park. "How subtle this thing is." "Its about time you got here." A voice called from the UFO, "I've been waiting and waiting for you to get back here with.her." the person squinted at Lina. "Shut up already Naga, Lina is very important to this story." The author sat on top of the UFO. "Says who?" Naga looked up at the author, who in turn waved her sequined blowgun at Naga. "Me." "Fine.whatever.I'm supposed to be so unimportant, so I guess I'll just leave." Naga said just before a dart full of Ritalin hit her in the chest (it wasn't hard to miss). "I take it she's supposed to be some kind of rival?" Lina raised her eyebrows and Zelgadiss dragged Naga's limp body into the UFO. "Um.you might want to strap yourself in." Zelgadiss threw Naga in a giant litter box and then fumbled with some controls, pocketing something white; while Lina tried to find a shiny slab of metal to be strapped to. Soon they took off and over some..onion fields. "Hi. I'm Gourry." Said a long blonde haired boy that Lina chose to strap herself next to. Lina grunted at she tightened the waist strap and then turned to look at Gourry. "What's your crime?" Lina asked flatly. "Awwww...don't tell me I got on the wrong UFO again!" Gourry pounded his fist on his slab of metal and then yelped and screamed like a little girl. "I meant what are you going to Ceiphied's for?" Lina rolled her eyes as Dragon Spooker the Second climbed out of her shirt. "Are you made of furry rodents?" Gourry pointed at Dragon Spooker the Second. "No, dummy, I'm human. More intelligent than you, but I'm human." Lina rolled her eyes again. "That's Dragon Spooker, he's my ferret." Lina petted Dragon Spooker the Second, making him purr in his little ferret voice. (What? I don't know what ferrets do! They bark as far as I know!) "Do you want to see my pet?" Gourry dug around in his pockets for his pet, "I know she's around her somewhere." "Um.what are you looking for?" Lina leaned over and looked at the shriveled green thing Gourry pulled from his pocket. "And what is that?" "This is Jugs." He held up the shriveled green up by what seemed to be its tail. "Whoops.sorry Jugs." He turned the shriveled green thing over and held it in his palm. "What a good girl you are Jugs. What a pretty salamander, yesh! Yesh she ish!" He cuddled the 'salamander' while Dragon Spooker the Second eyed Jugs hungrily and licked his little ferret chops. "A girl can't go wrong with the Hammer of Justice!" sang a squeaky voice, emphasizing 'justice' with a higher squeak. "My ears!" Lina clamped her palms over them and Dragon Spooker mimicked her. "You must be kidding! I have the most beautiful voice in the world!" shouted the squeaky voice. "For a toad." Lina grumbled and the person heard her. "For a TOAD?" the person squawked. "Do you know who I am? I am Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune! Princess of Justice and in the name of the moon I shall punish you!" she did a fancy pose. "Name of the moon, punish her?" Amelia looked up at the author. "I thought it would make sense." she grinned, "Sailor Moon trip.its been happening lately." "I don't have to wear a ridiculous costume like that Usagi brat do I?" Amelia whined. "Keep that up and I'll change that to the uniform next year." The author grinned some more. "No! Please don't!" Lina gasped and flailed her arms around frantically as she imagined everyone in sailor senshi costume, causing Dragon Spooker the Second to climb back in Lina's shirt "Be grateful." Zelgadiss chimed in, "One year she made us have Medieval Japan for a theme for uniforms." "Well.what's this year's theme?" Gourry wondered aloud. "Glad you asked!" the author made a chart float down, "This year's theme is the Sensational Sixties! All Male students, with a few exceptions, will be wearing three types of uniforms this year. For the summer seasons, they will be wearing their choice of swim wear. In the winter." "Shut up and let us get on with this!" Zelgadiss roared and they landed at the school. The moment the door to the UFO opened and Lina stepped out, she was greeted heartily by Luna, her sister. "Lina, darling! How are you this fine day?" Luna hugged her sister, who had become as stiff as a corpse. "Aiiiiiieeee!" screamed a little ferret, attacking Amelia once her head was out of the UFO, making her scream at the same pitch as the ferret. "Mullet! Down! Bad ferret! Bad!" Luna dropped Lina and plucked the ferret from Amelia. "I'm sorry." She bowed. "I don't know how she got out of her ferret ball." "Psychologist.trauma.shiny things!" Amelia's face went from a blank slate, to fear to starry eyes. Soon two men in white jackets came and took Amelia away. "Hold on one minute here!" a woman was shoving children in the crowd, "Luna, what in the world is going on here?" "Madame Ul Copt!" Luna immediately fell to one knee "I was greeting my sister, she's very important to this story, she." "I've heard enough, Luna." Filia interrupted, putting her hand in Luna's mouth, she pulled it out and wiped it on Gourry. "Now.first year students are to follow me. No dilly-dallying, I don't like putting up with slow people." "Madame Ul Copt! Wait for meeee!" Luna grabbed Lina and dragged her in the direction of Filia, carefully followed by Gourry and Zelgadiss carrying Naga, still on the Ritalin the author shot in her breasts. The dart had a happy face on it, still hanging between the.jumblies. "This is terrible!" Filia shook her head in front of a big wooden door, with her hands on her hips, most of the students were giving each other wet willies and wedgies, and some of them were even picking the nose of their neighbor. Amelia has resurfaced in a white strait jacket and Naga finally regained consciousness and the dart still dangled from her boob. "Well.maybe we should get the sorting done.before any more work for the nurse becomes a problem." Filia turned around and pushed open the doors to reveal a room that was dark, dank and smelled of various bodily fluids. She led all the new students down an ugly, stained blue carpet and to the little stage where sat a stool, on which sat a roll of duct tape. "This is supposed to be the sorting phase." Gourry poked Lina in the ribs, making her kick him in the shin in return. "Now. I'll read off your names one at a time and the magical roll of duct tape will sort you into your houses, giving you each a name tag with a specific note about you. The houses are these:" Filia began, unrolling a greasy newspaper. "Truffle Shuffle, Bright and Shiny, Jon Belushi and Kablooie." She read them off seriously, getting a few snickers from the new students and evil glares from the others. "They say Truffle Shuffle has some of the best mages, but Jon Belushi has the best swordsmen, Kablooie takes in a lot of Chunks, but they turn out the worst mages, only because they focus on winning karaoke and evil laughter contests." Amelia informed Lina, who only watched as Filia peered closely at the greasy newspaper "Will Chronically, Bald come up to the duct tape?" Filia read as a very bald boy came up to the duct tape which unraveled itself a little. Bald picked it up and the duct tape immediately wrapped him up like a mummy, and then floated gracefully back to its stool commanding, "Feed him to the Giant Crab." "Nuuuuu!" Bald screamed, trying to get out of the duct tape. "That was the Crab Sacrifice." Amelia explained, to nobody in particular. "What kind of place has a giant crab?" Gourry asked, thinking of a giant crab boil. "Next," Filia adjusted the greasy newspaper, "Gabriev, Gourry, please come up to the duct tape." "Hmmm." the duct tape started to mumble, "Very fast and good with a sword, couldn't use magic to save your life.Jon Belushi sounds like a good place to put you.but the script says you have to be in.TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!" "Cool," Gourry commented and stood. "Wait! You need your tag." The magical pen floated up and wrote something on the duct tape and ripped off a piece and attached it to Gourry's shirt. "sniarb shifyllej?" Gourry read the tag. "Jellyfish brains, stupid." Lina insulted. "Sit with your house, Mr. Gabriev," Filia said and read the next name on the greasy newspaper. "Chondriac, Hypo" "Hypo Chondriac?" Lina raised her eyebrows as a very sick looking kid went up to the duct tape. "BRIGHT AND SHINY!" the tape shouted, making Hypo faint. The magical pen attached his name tag to his shirt (saying: I told you I was sick) and someone dragged him to the Bright and Shiny table. "Inverse, Lina." Filia called, and the people at the table behind the duct tape stood. One man, with a thick beard, whose name tag said "Kindness to all creatures kick!" looked at Lina with a big stupid grin on his face. "Hi daddy!" Amelia waved. The man waved at Amelia and then waited for the response of the duct tape. "You are going to be great, I'll tell you this much," the tape told Lina, "Any house would be good for you, except for maybe Bright and Shiny. They're stupid." "When did you figure that out?" Lina mumbled, looking at the people in Bright and Shiny, all of them were depicting the Three Stooges' antics. "Well, it's your choice of houses here girly." The tape told Lina, and she thought for a while. "Kablooie reminds me of making things explode, Jon Belushi reminds me of Samurai Deli, and Truffle Shuffle reminds me of gourmet food." Lina thought aloud. "I'm going to choose." Lina paused, seeing the author floating above the stained carpet, waving her blowgun. "TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!" "Good choice." The author grinned and disappeared. "Name tag!" the magical pen shouted and handed Lina the piece of duct tape with her description on it. "Heroine.not the kind you snort?" Lina read it in puzzlement, stuck it on her shirt and sat next to Gourry, who had been sitting there growing thinner and thinner from lack of food. "What's with you?" "Foooooooooooooooooooooooooooood..." Gourry groaned, slamming his face into the ugly plate. "Oh.kay." Lina turned around and saw Luna hovering over her shoulder. "How's it going Lina?!" Luna cried cheerfully, making Lina go stiff and faint. "Now what did I do?" "You made her faint." Gourry pointed with his fork, an orange lily was at the end. "Are you eating the flowers?" Luna glared at Gourry, who only munched on the flower. "Never mind, I don't know you." Luna walked away. Lina recovered and saw the others who had joined the Truffle Shuffle house. "Hello there," Amelia was greeting everyone at the table by giving them a justice speech. "Just our luck, the precious toad princess of justice has joined us." Luna muttered under her breath. "Hey, Luna, who is that talking to the guy with the Beatles' hair cut?" Gourry asked. "That's Rezo. He teaches 'Maniacal Laughter for Mages'. You don't get to have that class." Luna explained in a low voice, under the table, making sure Lina doesn't have another spell of strangeness. "And the guy Rezo is talking to?" Gourry asked, pointing at the guy with the Beatles' hair cut. "That's Xelloss, He teaches 'How to Annoy Dragons'. You don't have class with him either. He heads the Kablooie house." "Who's the man with the blue skin?" Amelia asked, pulling on Luna's dress, with her thumb in her mouth. "The School's Sandpaper, name's Zelgadiss. He helped some of the Truffle Shuffle Swordsmen with their 'Hack away at a piece of wood' art projects. He also heads up the sword classes here. Kinda your all around kind of guy. If the carpenter needs sandpaper, he calls on Mr. Zelgadiss" Amelia then swooned, squealed and made goo-goo eyes at Zelgadiss. "Well, your tag does describes you very well.'know-it-all'." Gourry mused and then shoved a bloom of lavender in his mouth. "You realize that those are artificial flowers, right?" Luna said, before getting hit with a blow dart in the leg. The author waved at Lina and Gourry and went to sit with Xelloss, just to glomp him. "Ack!" Xelloss screamed, "Get it off! Get it off!" the author got off and then glomped Zelgadiss, ouch. The author then staggered away to the nurse.
"Ok, first year Truffle Shuffles follow me please, and be careful with Lina, she's very sensitive on where you touch her." Luna showed the way to the dorms. "Please bear in mind that some of the stairs are made of quicksand, and it can suck you into another dimension." "LUNAAAAAAAAAA!" a boy screamed. "Please step ahead of me Billy." "But I'm Tommy!" the boy screamed and then stepped in the quicksand, getting sucked into a parallel dimension full of Care Bears, who hugged Tommy till he bore the stupid clover on his stomach, even though he had lips on his.ahem. " Of course you are, Billy. As you can see. These steps are dangerous, so we will take another flight." Luna guided the group and Gourry carrying the unconscious Lina up another flight, to a giant banana. "Password." The giant banana requested. "Luna Inverse is the greatest mage this school has seen." Luna replied, getting several whispers from the conscious students. "Egomaniacs." One girl whispered to Amelia. "Accepted." The giant banana fell over, clouding the vision of the students. "Hurry in now, before the giant banana eats you." Luna shoved the students in and the banana ate the fat one that is always last in everything. "You really have to be careful about being eaten around here." Gourry said and grabbed Lina's boob by mistake, getting a slap on the head from the sorcery student. "Don't be grabbing things you can't have!" Lina roared and then jumped down from Gourry's arms, she took one glance at Luna and ran away before she could faint again. "Someone please go tell her the password so she doesn't get locked out of here or eaten. Our giant banana tends to eat people who say the wrong password." "Aie.you're boring me, Luna.go to bed. Leave the little brats their information on the corkboard and shut up already!" "Yes, Miss Jinu." Luna curtsied and slapped a greasy newspaper on the corkboard and went to bed. "Is she gone?" Lina peeked out from inside the fireplace. "Yeah, you'll find your crap all ready for you in your dorm. Night." The author yawned and went to bed herself.
Now is the time where you can stand, stretch, go pee.whatever. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do doh! Feel free to hum something from Slayers. I like Breeze and The Best Victory in the World!
"Crimeny, Gourry! You're always making me late for class!" Lina yelled at Gourry from far away, she was late for her 'How to Annoy Dragons class' with Xelloss. She scrambled to her seat, sliding under the teacher's legs, having someone yell "SAFE!" before the door shut. "Glad you could join us Miss Inverse," Xelloss smirked, and sat on the wobbly podium, and thus falling. The entire class then burst into laughter and Xelloss got up. "Don't laugh, or you all get detention!" the class then immediately silenced themselves with whatever they had handy, feet, knuckles, maces or each other's skulls. "I see that you're here, Inverse." Naga laughed, getting a glare from Lina, "You seem to be so important, why aren't you saving the school yet?" "WILL YOU STOP WITH THE SPOILERS?!" the author yelled and shot Naga with another dart, right next to the one that Naga failed to remove from the last time she had been shot. "Ohh.I don't feel so great." Naga put her hand to her forehead and collapsed on the floor. "Let's begin class shall we?" Xelloss turned to the little roll-away chalkboard he had behind him. "If you're not supposed to be here, I'll turn you into a Mazoku and make you my slave." Xelloss glared at his students, who had the looks of a deer in the headlights on many of their faces. "If you aren't familiar with this class, I'll tell you this much, this class is to help you annoy dragons, by any means necessary. You will be graded for creativity, neatness, and a little of cuteness, after all, I am the cutest little thing, aren't I?" Xelloss winked at the students and a little sign from his podium popped up with a cue card reading "Yes, Mr. Xelloss!" "I love how you installed those cue cards, Miss Jinu!" Xelloss said to the girl on the ceiling supports. "Why thank ya." The author nodded and disappeared to supervise another class.
"Ok, take out your swords." Zelgadiss instructed, and the class took their swords out like he said. "Mr. Zelgadiss.are you getting paid for double duty on your job?" Gourry raised his hand. "No." Zelgadiss grumbled and looked at the author, who was participating in the class, giving him goo-goo eyes. "Well, what do you expect? He's already the sandpaper, why can't he be a teacher too?" the author shrugged, "Besides, he's supposed to be nice, after all he's not the one wearing the hippy clothes, Gourry." "You have impeccable taste." Zelgadiss said and started to pair up the students to practice. "I wanna work with the author girl!" many of the students whined, looking at the author pathetically. "You're all desperate, aren't you? You don't want to know what I really look like, do you?" the author raised her eyebrows. "Sure! We don't mind!" one student piped up, and the author began to pull up her mask.
Due to budget cuts, the next part of the scene will not be shown. Instead, you will watch the dancing chipmunk! Now where did that prop guy put it? Crap. well.imagine a dancing chipmunk and then proceed to the next part of the story. Thank you come again.
"Oh my god! That's wrong!" Lina screamed at Amelia who was showing her a picture of her father acting out Little Shop of Horrors on stage. "I know.not only wrong, but sad too." Amelia put the picture back in her blouse, and tore open a ketchup packet and dumping it in her mouth before being interrupted by Rezo running into the main hall screaming like a little girly man. "Giant gerbil! Giant gerbil loose in the school!" he screamed and fell to the floor, tripped by one of the Kablooie students. "Giant gerbil?" Prince Phil rose from his seat, and the students screamed like they were at a Britney Spears concert, some in excitement, and some in horror. "Now students, remain calm, gerbils can't sign autographs!! All house egomaniacs will lead their charges to the dorms while the teachers take care of the gerbil." "Now, students follow me, unless you have a death wish." Luna ordered the Truffle Shuffles and had them follow her to the dorms. Lina and Amelia paused, Gourry was still trying to figure out what the little buttons in the bathroom were and he didn't know about the giant gerbil. "Gourry doesn't know about the gerbil!" Amelia started to panic. "I kind of realized that, Amelia." Lina said flatly and dashed to the boy's bathroom. "I always wondered what it looked like in here." Amelia said, her voice echoing off the porcelain tiles that lined the cracked walls. "Gourry!" Lina pointed to Gourry in the corner, getting licked by the giant gerbil. "He thinks I'm tasty." Gourry grinned, letting the gerbil lick his..face (I know what you were thinking.I'm ashamed of you personally.) "Oh, man that's disgusting!" Lina groaned and poked it with the nearest thing she got hold of.a urinal cake. "Doubly disgusting!" she threw the cake away and it hit Amelia in the head, knocking her to the floor. "Ow.." Amelia whimpered in pain and rubbed her head where the urinal cake hit it. "Lina, do something.I'm incapable to deliver my patented "Hammer of Justice" to that little.thing there." Amelia told and laid back on the tile. "Aw, jeez.I always have to everything around here." Lina rolled her eyes and looked around for something to distract the gerbil. She found a giant gerbil ball the rodent had been in and kicked it toward the gerbil. "Squeeeeeeeak!" the gerbil.um..squealed or something.whose plan to lick Gourry into oblivion had been foiled by half an inch of plastic bubble rolling over him, and trapping him within. "Get the lid, you moron!!" Lina yelled at Gourry and pointed to the lid on Gourry's head. Gourry pointed at the lid and looked at Lina questionably. "Yes! That lid!" Lina yelled some more, and Gourry kicked the gerbil ball enough to get the lid on securely. "Great Ceiphied's Ghost!" Filia skidded to a halt behind Lina, followed by Xelloss and Prince Phil, "What do we have here?" Rezo also came in and tripped over his dress. "We put the gerbil back in his ball." Lina told Filia with a smug and satisfied smile. "I can see that! I'm not blind, like that fool Rezo!" Filia shouted in Lina's ear, making her rub it to get rid of the constant ringing that occurred when Madame Ul Copt was in the room. "Rezo's blind?" Gourry asked, raising his hand, making all the others, even the gerbil shake their heads in shame. "Good kitty." Rezo petted a sink. "Yes, he's blind as a bat." Filia said in a flat, emotionless voice. "Technically.bats aren't blind, they just have very poor vision." Xelloss corrected Filia, making her face turn red. "Are you saying that I'm incorrect, Xelloss?" Filia's tail popped out from under her skirt, lashing back and forth, hitting Lina several times on the back of the head. "Yes." Xelloss went into his famed 'that's a secret' pose and winked. "Why I outta." Filia reached for her mace. "Temper, temper, Madame Ul Copt." Prince Phil wagged his finger and then turned to Lina and Gourry. "You two were certainly very heroic this evening, I'm pleased to let you have an extended curfew." "There's a curfew?" Lina asked; she had been staying up till past three in the morning, going over spells in Luna's spell book to absorb as much as she could to finally beat Luna in something. "You weren't aware of the curfew?" Phil asked, scratching himself.there.*shudder* "Can't you do that in private?" Lina made a disgusted face. "Sorry, no.I can't.it's a thing I have to share. I declare to the world: MY BALLS ITCH!" Phil screamed, creating an echo in the bathroom. "I think I'll leave now." Lina zoomed past Phil, followed by Gourry and the two other teachers, who magically got martinis out of thin air. (I broke my little umbrella..saaaaad.)
The following week, nothing spiffy happened. There was a test.but that was about it. The toilet plugged up and some of Zelgadiss's hair was used to poke the evidence through. No, the hair was not attached to his head. Jinu- sempai wouldn't do something like that to her Zelly-poo. "Zelly-poo?" Zelgadiss looked up at the author who was lounging on the roof as usual. "Yes. You're Zelly-poo. MY Zelly-poo." The author grinned. "I'll show you Zelly-poo." Zelgadiss muttered and reached for the conveniently nearby manure sack. "Don't even try it bud." The author narrowed her eyes and wiggled the blowgun in her hands. "I've got a dart with your name on it." "Uh.I'm stone." "Well this one has a diamond tip, it'll get through to you." The author searched her pockets for the dart, "Now.where did I put it?" She continued to search all into the night, considering the fact that her pockets contain lots of hammerspace. She fell off the roof at about 2:30 at night and then stopped and fell asleep. "Strange woman." Zelgadiss mumbled when he found her in the morning. "Hey, Zel?" Lina and Amelia walked up to him and the snoozing author. "Num.num.bat wings." The author spoke in her sleep. "What was with the giant gerbil last week?" "He was released by the villain of the story to distract the teachers so he could get his grubby little paws on something." The author continued in her sleep. "What thing?" "Some thing. I'm not saying anything more." The author rolled over and snored. "Hmmm.what kinds of things are hidden in this place?" Lina pondered at the author's clue. "I know!" Amelia jumped up and down in excitement. "What would the villain want that is hidden in this castle?" Lina pondered some more. "I know! I know!" Amelia was on the verge of hyperventilation and then passed out. (Amelia certainly gets knocked out a lot in this story huh?) "Well.I'll figure it out later, or I'll just steal a script from her." Lina pointed to Jinu and then went back inside to practice her annoyance techniques. Zelgadiss shrugged and then went to sand down a bedpost with his elbow.
That evening the Truffle Shuffle dorms were all bustling with activity because there was to be a karaoke tournament the next week. Everyone was gathered around the greasy newspaper that was plastered on the wall, because the other greasy newspaper on the cork board was attempting to eat people. "Aw.no first years?" Amelia whined, "I'm such a great singer though." "Yep.just like someone with tonsillitis." Lina rolled her eyes, while looking at a volume that was assigned in Magic 101. "Why do you always have to drag me down, Lina?" Amelia whined. "Because its fun. That's why." Lina smarted off and turned the page. Gourry had been practicing in the corner with his sword, making the wall shoot sparks every time he hit it. "Gourry! Will you quit it?!" Lina slammed the book shut, accidentally trapping Dragon Spooker the Second. "Sorry.but I need something to do. I'm feeling all left out because I'm the only swordsman in this house." Gourry complained. "The stupid author girl put me here just so I could suffer." "No.because she feels that your are more in tune with us." Amelia corrected, getting a pat on the head and a dog biscuit from the author. Suddenly the lights went out and everything was dark except for the few sparks that Gourry created from hitting the wall with his sword in aggravation "All right.who killed the lights?" Luna yelled from the darkness. "It was I!" an annoying laugh appeared from the darkness, "You annoying Truffle Shuffles are no match for me and my wonderful singing!" "Oh.no.gasp.its Naga, the goldfish turds." Lina said flatly. "Goldfish turds?" Naga laughed to hide her pain. "Why am I goldfish turds? You're the one that follows your sister everywhere!" She snapped the lights on and moved in on Lina. "Wooh.lethal tuna breath." Lina smirked and Naga pulled back. "Well, I see I'm not welcome here." Naga laughed some of her patented laugh and left. "Who gave her the password?" Luna demanded, tapping her foot and everyone looked at Gourry. "What?" Gourry shrank into his corner. "Her jumblies were frightening me." "Now I have to talk to the giant banana about a new password." Luna sighed in frustration and exited to speak to the giant banana. "Three.two.one." the author counted down and there was a giant snap, a yelp and Luna came back limping. "He agrees that the new password is Blue Dragon Soup." Luna mumbled and fell face first on the floor. Her ferret, Mullet, had been chewing on the chair legs came over and started to chew on Luna's hair. When one of the other Truffle Shuffles tried to get Mullet away, she snarled and attached herself to that student's hand. He ran around screaming for 20 minutes until he stopped, shrugged and went up to bed, ferret still attached to his hand.
"Hey.Amelia." Lina beckoned the self-proclaimed "Hammer of Justice" over to read a small section of the book she found. "What? You're not going to send me to clean the ferret house are you?" "No. Read this." Lina pointed to the paragraph and Amelia read aloud. "The Orihalcon Statue, greatly valued at over a million gold pieces contains the Philosopher's Stone, and when broken and dissolved into water, is said to cure any disease." Amelia paused and blinked. "Do you think that is what the villain is after?" "Has to be. Its worth a ton, and is the miracle cure of miracle cures." Luna piped in over Lina's shoulder. "Gyahhh!" Lina screamed, "Don't do that!" "Do what?" Luna smiled, making Lina more nervous. "Surprise me like that!" Lina spat and thought for a moment. "Now.who here has something they want to cure?" "Mr. Zelgadiss does." Amelia thought of the school's sandpaper man. "I've been listening in on him and my father's conversations. He doesn't like being the sandpaper in this school." "That would be suspect number one." Luna counted. "Jinkies!" Gourry exclaimed. "I love that cereal!" He inhaled mouthfuls of frosted rice O's in his mouth. "Could you eat a little quieter, Gourry?" "Well.I don't think Zelgadiss knows where that statue is." Luna noted. "He's not the villainous type." "Well.then who else then?" Lina thought for a while. "What about Rezo? He's got a evil laugh." "And he turned Mr. Zelgadiss into what he is." Amelia chimed in. "You might be on to something, Amelia." Lina nodded, "I noticed him pocket something white while on the UFO.could that be the statue?" "Most likely.because that is what happened in Harry Potter." Amelia said smartly. "And the fact that this is a parody of that first book." Luna added. "So it has to be Rezo." Lina concluded. "But what about Xelloss?" Gourry suddenly interrupted through his cereal. "He's been acting rather suspiciously lately as well.we should keep an eye on him too." Luna added. "Not me. I'm supposed to somehow win the karaoke championship for Truffle Shuffle." Lina immediately counted herself out.
"Wahahahahahaha!" Rezo laughed, "I love my evil laugh!" "Will you stop that?" Filia slapped the table. "Sorry.I can't help it." Rezo hung his head. "I need to have something to do since I can't stare at shiny things. I'm blind you know." "There's a shocker." Valgarv grunted. "People.Mazoku.Dragons.please.can we get on with the meeting?" Phil hit his hammer thing on a chunk of wood. Neatly inscribed on the hammer thing was "Amelia". "I suppose.where is Namagomi? I haven't called him that to his face sixteen times today." Filia shrugged and sipped on her martini. "He's teaching a class today, or so I'm told." Phil explained.
"Hee hee hee! This is going to be great!" Xelloss giggled as he positioned a bucket full of water balloons over the door to Filia's quarters. "For shame on you Xelloss." The author clicked her tongue and wagged her finger. "You know that those balloons should be filled with pudding, not water." "You mean I have to go and fill them with pudding now?" Xelloss whined. "Yes.you do know why I'm letting you do this, yes?" "No.not exactly.other than the fact I'm gonna be drenching Filia with some pudding." "Its to lure the protagonists into thinking you've come to suspicion, that's all." "Oh.but.I'm not evil!" Xelloss cried, sitting on the ground. "Not yet anyway." The author winked and then disappeared to annoy other people. Xelloss disappeared to fill his balloons with pudding and then put those in the bucket above Filia's door. She was drenched after attending another cocktail party held by Prince Phil.
"Ooo ooo ooo ooh. What does this button do?" Amelia sang as she, Gourry and Lina were in front of a bed-wetting-kinda-scary door. "What do you mean Amelia, Gourry and me?" Lina raged, looking at the author with flaming eyes. "Just get on with this.I'm starting to grow tired of her singing.." "Ooo ooo ooo ooh. What does this button do?" Gourry joined Amelia in song and then pressed the button. A lawyer shot out of the ground and then pointed at Gourry. "You are a stupid poopy face!" he yelled and then disappeared. "Infantile." Lina rolled her eyes and then pushed the door open to reveal a cat with sunglasses on. "Hold it right there!" Valgarv came out of nowhere and stopped the scene. "This is far too silly!" "Where have you been?" Lina crossed her arms, waiting for an answer. "I was feeding her majesty's plush cats. They're very picky eaters." Valgarv answered. "There's an oxymoron if I've ever seen one." Lina rolled her eyes. "What do you mean?" Valgarv flopped onto his (sexy!) stomach. "You were doing something silly and now you're here stopping the silliness." Lina explained bringing down a chart and a pointer stick out of nowhere. "Oh." Valgarv was watching Gourry poke the cat. "Poor kitty!" Amelia squealed and scooped up the cat, not realizing that the cat was scratching up her face. "Don't worry kitty, mean old Mister Gourry won't hurt you anymore!" "You're out of a job bud. This is supposed to be naturally silly. That's the point of a parody." Lina said and shoved Valgarv out the door. "Go bug my sister or something." Lina then kicked the door shut and went up to the cat. "Isn't she cute?" Amelia squealed, jumping up and down excitedly. "Yeah.adorable.let's go." Lina grabbed Gourry's collar and dragged Gourry to the next door. "One second there, Miss Inverse." The cat suddenly blurted out, Amelia threw the cat and screamed. "Talking cat! Talking cat!" "Can I eat it?" Gourry asked, poking the cat with a fork this time. "Stop it you moron. You have to play Jeopardy before you can pass." The cat said and then clapped her paws to make a game show set fizzle out of the ground. "Your answer is: Woof." The cat read off a card, "You have thirty seconds to answer it." Then the contestants scribbled something on a card and the timer buzzed. "Now, let's start with you Lina, what did you put down?" the cat asked. Lina held up her card. Let me pass or I'll pound you. "Great answer.but WRONG!" the cat shouted. "Now let's move on to Amelia." Amelia then held up her card with a gigantic grin on her face. JUSTICE!!!!!! "Congratulations, Amelia!" the cat said enthusiastically, "I'VE NEVER SEEN A MORE WRONG ANSWER IN ALL MY 600 YEARS!" the cat yelled and then calmed down. "Gourry.your answer please." Gourry held up his card, but it was upside down the cat popped him upside the head and then he turned his card around. Pass the mustard. "Oh.my goodness.he.got it..RIGHT!" the cat fainted as did Amelia and Lina. Gourry just stood there, scratching his head in confusion. "I just wanted mustard for my burger." Gourry finally said to himself, and the cat, Lina and Amelia rose to their feet like zombies. "Congratulations, you can go on through. Too bad that one guy didn't have any other people to play with." the cat said to herself. "What other guy?" "Well.there was a guy with purple hair trying to get through here.but he was on his own, so he didn't get three chances to answer my riddle. "I..see.well.see ya!" Lina grabbed Gourry and Amelia's shirts and kicked down the door, which revealed a room full of raccoons and a karaoke machine. "This just gets weirder and weirder, huh?" the author jumped in front of Lina, who dropped Gourry and Amelia. The author grinned. "Guess what you have to do, Lina." "I have to sing the right song to get one of the raccoons to transform into a spaceship so we can fly up in that hole." Lina said flatly. "Y..no. You have to throw all the raccoons till one turns into a spaceship and then sing the rest to sleep while you get away before they attack you with rabid bites and radioactive garbage." "You definitely watch too much anime, play too many video games and have too much time on your hands, you know that?" Lina raised her eyebrows at the author. "Yup! My favorite anime are Blue Seed, Slayers, and Fushigi Yuugi. My favorite games are Sonic Adventure 2 and Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and I know I have too much time on my hands, otherwise I wouldn't have been writing this." "Oh the horror!" Gourry screamed and was pounced on by 15 raccoons. "I'll save you Mr. Gourry!" Amelia ran to the highest point in the room (which was the top of the karaoke machine) and began a justice speech. "Even if you are cute and fuzzy and are useful as spaceships, you shall feel the wrath of the Hammer of Justice!" Amelia shouted at the raccoons, who were meowing excitedly and were trying to ask Gourry what kind of shampoo he uses. "I use White Rain actually." Gourry said to the raccoons, who all looked at each other. "It's cheap and it actually does good for my hair." Gourry puffed his hair with a smile. The raccoons pounced on him again, but this time in attack. "Maybe they don't like cheap shampoo." Amelia said and flipped the switch on the karaoke machine. Lina brought bricks to her head and started to beat them into her skull. "A girl still won't go wrong with the hammer of justice!" Amelia sang and one of the raccoons that were on Gourry was dancing on his head. "Lina, its that one!" Amelia pointed out at the one on Gourry's head. Lina stopped beating herself silly with the bricks, grabbed the dancing raccoon and threw it at a wall. It splattered and a key came out from the guts. "EW." Amelia squawked, "that poor raccoon..hey.wait a sec, you lied to us!" Amelia pointed at the author, who darted her eyes around. "Me? Why would I do such a thing?" the author asked innocently. "Because you're a sneaky, conniving little creep." Lina responded as the raccoons were starting to nest in Gourry's hair. "Fine.I'm starting to get sick of this anyway." The author sighed and waved her hand. "I now say that Amelia and Gourry got hurt and so Lina has to go and fight the villain on her own, despite how the TV series goes." Suddenly Amelia and Gourry disappeared and Lina was in a dark laboratory with a tall figure looming in front of her. "So.you're the villain." "Muhahahahahaha." The guy responded, "I finally have it.the Orihalcon Statue and within, the Philosopher's Stone.I won't have to live in the dark anymore!" "Uh.what are you talking about?" Lina asked the figure and he turned around. "Oh.Miss Inverse.I see you made it all the way to the cocktail lounge." "Rezo.we're not in the cocktail lounge, this is a laboratory and you're holding a gummy of Venus de Milo." Lina said as she snatched the Orihalcon Statue from under Rezo's nose. "Oh.." Rezo popped the gummy in his mouth. "Tasty." He chewed it for a bit and then swallowed. "Now, fork over the statue." "Only if it'll get the story over and done with." "But what about the next one?" Rezo asked, being manipulated by the author (obviously, ^.^) "I'd rather be the abused shut-in." Lina responded and smashed the statue on the ground, and picked up the Philosopher's Stone. She handed it to Rezo who dropped it several times before dropping it in a glass of water. It fizzled like Alka-Seltzer and then Rezo drank it. "Hey.you have red hair." Rezo said after drinking the potion. "And red skin and red everything.uh.oh.." Rezo then screamed like a girly man as Shabby crawled out of his eyes. "Yuk.eye goo." Shabby wiped some goop off his arm. "Eep.." Lina squeaked and then timidly walked up to Shabby. "What do you want, you puny, flat-chested, ooglay excuse for a sorceress?" Shabby asked, getting in Lina's face. "Darkness beyond blackest pitch, deeper than darkest night. Buried in the flow of time. I call upon the dark lord who shines like gold upon the sea of chaos. In thy great name, I pledge myself to you, let the fools who stand before us be destroyed by the power you and I possess, GIGA SLAVE!" Lina said and poked Shabby in the chest and he fell over dead. Lina's hair turned white and she collapsed.
"I see you've regained your appetite." Prince Phil said to Lina who was sitting in her bed at the infirmary as he watched Lina gulp down bowlful after bowlful of ramen soup. "Well.using magic takes a lot of carbs!" Lina said between slurps. "That spell.how did you learn it?" Phil asked. "Stole a book from Luna." Lina responded and then Luna jumped from behind the curtain. "Ah-ha! I knew it! You're the one who stole my Forbidden Dark Spells Volume 6!" Luna then started to rant about how first-years aren't even supposed to be looking through upperclassmen's things, no matter if they're related or not. "By the way.you're excused from your finals." Phil added kindly and then left, scratching his nuts. "Go away, Luna." Lina said after finishing her 16th bowl of ramen. "Why should I?" Luna mocked, crossing her arms and waiting for an answer. *shoomp* A dart hit Luna in the butt and she fell to the floor. The nurse then carried her away to another bed. The author waved at Lina from her perch at the window, making goo-goo eyes at Zelgadiss.
"Finally.the end of the year." Filia sighed as she dumped a container of cayenne pepper in Xelloss's chili. The Mazoku never took notice of the pepper till he ate some of it.but he liked it, much to Filia's displeasure. Phil stood up at the teacher's table and tapped a cheap plastic cup. The students were all gossiping on how one of the Kablooies looked like Britney Spears.and all the Kablooies were male or female impersonators, so that didn't make any sense whatsoever. Valgarv was making goo-goo eyes at Filia, who was throwing in habanera chilies in Xelloss's food. Zelgadiss was avoiding the stares of Amelia and the Author and Xelloss was contemplating his next scheme to annoy Filia. "HEY!" Phil's voice blared through a bullhorn, "Sit down and shut up!" Everyone immediately silenced themselves with fists and plates. "Time for the end-of-the-year feast! Now.bring out the banquet!" Midgets burst through the kitchen doors carrying platters of peas and ketchup packets. "Now eat or I'll sick the midgets on you!" Phil shouted in the bull horn and everyone dumped the platters of ketchup packets and peas in their mouths, cans, packets and all. Gourry and Lina ate 6 platters each, and Luna (who suddenly went on a diet the moment the midgets came out) ate only a quarter of a platter, she gave the rest to Amelia. Amelia got sick and vomited on Naga's boots (Naga only laughed at Amelia till she realized that her boots smelled like ketchup and peas). Then everyone went home to prepare for next year. Wooh.
Created: 6/23/02 Finished: 9/30/02
By Jen Cleary
Rating: PG-13 (language and sexual dialogue) Author's Notes: All right, second attempt of a Harry Potter parody, featuring Slayers characters. I decided to do something a little different, I hope you all like it (It really helped when I actually read them). Please review this, I like comments and I hate flames. AHHHHHH! THE BUBBLES ARE BURNING MY TONGUE! Anyway, here ish mah story and I hope you enjoy it. Warning: this contains OOC-ness and some other things too. By the way.I REALLY hate Britney Spears, but I had to mention this so you all know my opinion on her, only because her name is mentioned in the story a few times or so.
Character Associations
Quick note: I don't like how families and stuff are like that in HP, so I made them all as I saw fit. If you don't like it.tough burnt cookies Harry= Lina Ron= Gourry Hermoine= Amelia Malfoy= Naga Aunt Petunia= Martina Uncle Vernon= Zangulus Percy= Luna Hagrid= Zelgadiss Prof. Snape= Xelloss Prof. Quirrel= Rezo Prof. MacGonnagal= Filia Prof. Dumbledore= Prince Phil The Author= the author Annoying Silliness Guy= Valgarv Voldemort= Shabrinigdu/What's his face
And now......the story!
"Martina, do I have a wart here?" a man wearing a hat and dark long hair pointed at his butt. His spouse, Martina, felt around and shook her head. "Zangy.honey.there's nothing to worry about, you'll be fine." Martina stopped feeling Zangulus's butt and then picked up the newspaper. There the headline read:
Two Shopkeepers Dead After Tragic Whipped Topping Explosion Last evening, it is reported that two Shopkeepers, were reported dead after a batch of whipped topping, exploded in a vat, brutally mangling the two shopkeepers. They are survived by their two children, Luna and Lina Inverse. Luna is currently in boarding school, and Lina is being sent to her relatives.
"Zangy, baby." Martina poked her husband, whose coffee spilled all over his lap. "Well, there goes our chances of having kids." Zangulus muttered to himself. "What is it now?" He rested his face on the table. "They're coming." Martina got up and grabbed a box of matches and a bottle of gin. "Get our insurance papers. And all our keepsakes." She ordered and Zangulus just sat there like a lump. "Damn you!" Martina burst out of the kitchen and packed some of their things that they planned to take with them while the house burned. "Martinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Zangulus whined. Martina poked her head through the bead curtain that separated the kitchen from the rest of the house. "What?" "I spilled coffee on my thingy." "You have to be more careful, you know." Martina handed Zangulus a gin- soaked paper towel and he dabbed himself..there.(shudder) "Um.excuse me?" a voice from overhead asked. "Huh?" Martina looked at the ceiling fan. "Is this going to go anywhere?" the voice asked again, there was a slurping noise and then the voice said, "I would like this scene to move along eventually.I'm on a schedule here." "And who exactly are you?" Martina stood upright and put her hands on her hips. "Don't disrespect my authority little midget." The voice took on a threatening tone. "Who's authority am I disrespecting?!" Martina crossed her arms and waited. "Hold on a minute." there was a crash and after a long silence, a knock came to the back door. Martina went to open and found a girl there, leaning on the frame panting and wheezing. "Who are you?" Martina scratched her head. "Your worst nightmare!" the girl said, giving off a booming echo from overhead. "I see.so you're the god of this story or something?" "You don't have a contract with another god do you?" the girl caught her breath and stood up straight. "Zolmelgustar.he's kinda still around you know." Martina responded. The girl grinned and put her hand on Martina's shoulder. "He's under contract with me. So you're screwed either way." The girl said and then left. "NOW GET ON WITH THIS SCENE!" her voice boomed from overhead again and they continued on with the scene, the house burned down and as Lina was just arriving. "Hello?" Lina knocked on the charred door, "75th cousins? Are you home?" Lina knocked on the door again. "Martina? Zangulus? Hellooooooooooooo?!" Lina then noticed the burned out part of the door and peeked through. "Congratulations!" Zangulus jumped into Lina's sight, making her jump back and scream in surprise. "Your youthful curiosity has finally rewarded you!" Zangulus opened a black suitcase which spewed fog. "You are rewarded with a SUITCASE FULL OF ICE! Congratulations!" Zangulus shoved the suitcase through the hole and it landed at Lina's feet. "Are you Zangulus?" Lina pointed at the crazy man dancing around in burnt rags. "Are you Sparkle the squirrel? I'm your biggest fan!" Zangulus opened the door for Lina and let her step through. "All of the stuff I collected is all ashy and burned now.BUT I'M STILL YOUR BIGGEST FAN!" Zangulus hugged Lina and she pushed him away. "Have you been taking sips of someone's secret booze stash or something?" Lina smelled Zangulus's breath as he stared at her wide eyed and mouthed. "Wooh.you have." she fanned the smell away. "Hello Lina," Martina whispered menacingly in Lina's ear, making Lina turn around and hit Martina square in the face with her suitcase. "Die you cannibal!" Lina stomped on Martina's stomach and then sat on it. "Oh.hi Martina!" she said brightly and got off. "Sorry for stomping on you.are you all right?" "After being smacked with a steel suitcase, no not really." Martina rubbed her face and got up. "As you can see, we don't exactly have a house now. So you're going to have to go to boarding school with your sister." Martina grinned wickedly. "L-l-l-Luna?" Lina stood back in shock, "I don't really want to go to boarding school." "Would you rather live in a Motel 2 while they rebuild this house?" Martina grinned some more. Lina thought about the conditions of a Motel 2 the last time she stayed there (roaches, weird smells and strange screaming noises coming from nearby rooms) and shook her head. "Good." Martina sneered and looked around the ashes for something that seemed to be important. "Zangy.where's that letter for Lina? I need to give it to her." "The walls are melting again!" Zangulus jumped up on the still flaming sofa, "Melty! Melty! Melty!" Suddenly a tranquilizer dart hit Zangulus in the throat and he instantly calmed down and fell to the floor. "What in the world?" Lina scratched her head and looked around for the source for the dart. "Eh-he-he-heh." the author scratched her head, "I had to do something.it was getting pathetic." "I see.so you're the all mighty author person here aren't you?" Lina raised an eyebrow. "Yeah." The author nodded excitedly, "I suggest you don't make me mad or anything, otherwise.you end up with a dose of Ritalin that lasts a few days." The author grinned. "Oh.well if I run into anything, can I call you or something?" Lina spoke carefully, making sure not to get any tranquilizer darts in the throat throughout the story. "Call me Ishmael.ack.wrong story.um.call me." the author thought for a moment, pacing about thinking. "Death.no.Jinu.yes." she tapped her fingers together evilly, "Jinu.Jinu." "Kay." Lina smiled and looked at Martina searching around frantically. "Um.would you mind telling her where that thing she needs to give me is at, so we can go on?" "Aw.and ruin my fun?" The author pouted, "Maybe I'll just go and do a Fushigi Yuugi fic instead.and delete this one off the hard drive." she said pretending to leave (damn b button!). "I found it!" Martina waved an envelope in the air and rushed it to Lina. "To Miss Lina Inverse, Burned Down House in the Ghetto, Pyrotown." Lina read the front of the envelope. She flipped it over and read the back. "From Ceiphied's School for Mages and Swordsmen. Mages and Swordsmen." Lina fantasized about some dreamy man giving her a fat slice of....ROAST BEEF! (Jeez, you people are perverted!) "I'll go!" Lina grabbed her suitcases and rushed through the scorched door and down the street.
"All right.hold it right there, missy." A man put his hand in front of Lina while she was at a bus stop, waiting for the bus. Lina was just standing there, giving the man a strange look. "Um.I'm just standing here." Lina shrugged and peered at the man hiding under the hood. "Who are you?" The man pulled up his mask to his eyebrows. "Don't look!" he pulled his hood down to his chin. Lina scratched her head and blinked in confusion. There was a sound of someone loading a dart into a blowgun, and the man then pulled down his mask and hood. "My name's Zelgadiss. I'm here to escort you to Ceiphied's and to also help you shop for your things. You have your list don't you?" Lina searched her pockets and her boots. "No.not there." Lina reached into her bra, and Zelgadiss turned away blushing. "I got it!" "You put it down your shirt?" Zelgadiss faced Lina once again and snatched it from her hands. "You sister has nearly everything you need at the school for you. You just need a familiar and your uniform." "I have to have a uniform?" Lina asked, "How fun!" she grinned and bounced down the street. "Let's go already!" "Um.we have to go that way." Zelgadiss pointed in the opposite direction and Lina hopped in that direction, trying to keep up with Zelgadiss. "Uh.exactly what do you do at the school?" Lina watched Zelgadiss's face sink. "Are you going to tell me or do I have to force it out of you?" "I'm.the sandpaper." He said finally, making Lina fall to the cement laughing. "Sandpaper.that's priceless!" she wiped away a tear, and Zelgadiss pulled Lina to her feet by her shirt. "Don't laugh at my job." Zelgadiss threatened and let Lina go. "Be nice, rock boy." The author scolded from a roof, waving her blowgun. "I'm sorry Miss Jinu, but she was making fun of me!" Zelgadiss pointed at Lina. "Quiet you." The author snapped and clapped her hands. "And so with the power vested in me, I hereby declare Lina all prepared for Ceiphied's!" Lina's arm's then filled with her 'uniforms'. "A bikini?" Lina held up one 'uniform'. "Don't question me." The author narrowed her eyes and disappeared. "You should have been at Ceiphied's when I went there." Zelgadiss muttered to Lina. "She made all the students wear uniforms from the Old West." "Be glad I'm not choosing Renaissance Scotland this year." The author popped up behind Zelgadiss and glomped him. "Lina, I hope you like your ferret." "Ferret?" Lina looked at the pile of clothing in her hands, suddenly her leggings started to squeak wildly and thrash about. She picked up the legging and it squealed in its shrill ferret voice. "I'm going to name him Dragon Spooker the Second.only because I'm the first." Lina declared and then threw her stuff in her suitcase. "To the UFO!" the author declared and fell off of Zelgadiss, who grabbed Lina's wrist and zoomed to a secluded area of the city, the volcano in the main park. "How subtle this thing is." "Its about time you got here." A voice called from the UFO, "I've been waiting and waiting for you to get back here with.her." the person squinted at Lina. "Shut up already Naga, Lina is very important to this story." The author sat on top of the UFO. "Says who?" Naga looked up at the author, who in turn waved her sequined blowgun at Naga. "Me." "Fine.whatever.I'm supposed to be so unimportant, so I guess I'll just leave." Naga said just before a dart full of Ritalin hit her in the chest (it wasn't hard to miss). "I take it she's supposed to be some kind of rival?" Lina raised her eyebrows and Zelgadiss dragged Naga's limp body into the UFO. "Um.you might want to strap yourself in." Zelgadiss threw Naga in a giant litter box and then fumbled with some controls, pocketing something white; while Lina tried to find a shiny slab of metal to be strapped to. Soon they took off and over some..onion fields. "Hi. I'm Gourry." Said a long blonde haired boy that Lina chose to strap herself next to. Lina grunted at she tightened the waist strap and then turned to look at Gourry. "What's your crime?" Lina asked flatly. "Awwww...don't tell me I got on the wrong UFO again!" Gourry pounded his fist on his slab of metal and then yelped and screamed like a little girl. "I meant what are you going to Ceiphied's for?" Lina rolled her eyes as Dragon Spooker the Second climbed out of her shirt. "Are you made of furry rodents?" Gourry pointed at Dragon Spooker the Second. "No, dummy, I'm human. More intelligent than you, but I'm human." Lina rolled her eyes again. "That's Dragon Spooker, he's my ferret." Lina petted Dragon Spooker the Second, making him purr in his little ferret voice. (What? I don't know what ferrets do! They bark as far as I know!) "Do you want to see my pet?" Gourry dug around in his pockets for his pet, "I know she's around her somewhere." "Um.what are you looking for?" Lina leaned over and looked at the shriveled green thing Gourry pulled from his pocket. "And what is that?" "This is Jugs." He held up the shriveled green up by what seemed to be its tail. "Whoops.sorry Jugs." He turned the shriveled green thing over and held it in his palm. "What a good girl you are Jugs. What a pretty salamander, yesh! Yesh she ish!" He cuddled the 'salamander' while Dragon Spooker the Second eyed Jugs hungrily and licked his little ferret chops. "A girl can't go wrong with the Hammer of Justice!" sang a squeaky voice, emphasizing 'justice' with a higher squeak. "My ears!" Lina clamped her palms over them and Dragon Spooker mimicked her. "You must be kidding! I have the most beautiful voice in the world!" shouted the squeaky voice. "For a toad." Lina grumbled and the person heard her. "For a TOAD?" the person squawked. "Do you know who I am? I am Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune! Princess of Justice and in the name of the moon I shall punish you!" she did a fancy pose. "Name of the moon, punish her?" Amelia looked up at the author. "I thought it would make sense." she grinned, "Sailor Moon trip.its been happening lately." "I don't have to wear a ridiculous costume like that Usagi brat do I?" Amelia whined. "Keep that up and I'll change that to the uniform next year." The author grinned some more. "No! Please don't!" Lina gasped and flailed her arms around frantically as she imagined everyone in sailor senshi costume, causing Dragon Spooker the Second to climb back in Lina's shirt "Be grateful." Zelgadiss chimed in, "One year she made us have Medieval Japan for a theme for uniforms." "Well.what's this year's theme?" Gourry wondered aloud. "Glad you asked!" the author made a chart float down, "This year's theme is the Sensational Sixties! All Male students, with a few exceptions, will be wearing three types of uniforms this year. For the summer seasons, they will be wearing their choice of swim wear. In the winter." "Shut up and let us get on with this!" Zelgadiss roared and they landed at the school. The moment the door to the UFO opened and Lina stepped out, she was greeted heartily by Luna, her sister. "Lina, darling! How are you this fine day?" Luna hugged her sister, who had become as stiff as a corpse. "Aiiiiiieeee!" screamed a little ferret, attacking Amelia once her head was out of the UFO, making her scream at the same pitch as the ferret. "Mullet! Down! Bad ferret! Bad!" Luna dropped Lina and plucked the ferret from Amelia. "I'm sorry." She bowed. "I don't know how she got out of her ferret ball." "Psychologist.trauma.shiny things!" Amelia's face went from a blank slate, to fear to starry eyes. Soon two men in white jackets came and took Amelia away. "Hold on one minute here!" a woman was shoving children in the crowd, "Luna, what in the world is going on here?" "Madame Ul Copt!" Luna immediately fell to one knee "I was greeting my sister, she's very important to this story, she." "I've heard enough, Luna." Filia interrupted, putting her hand in Luna's mouth, she pulled it out and wiped it on Gourry. "Now.first year students are to follow me. No dilly-dallying, I don't like putting up with slow people." "Madame Ul Copt! Wait for meeee!" Luna grabbed Lina and dragged her in the direction of Filia, carefully followed by Gourry and Zelgadiss carrying Naga, still on the Ritalin the author shot in her breasts. The dart had a happy face on it, still hanging between the.jumblies. "This is terrible!" Filia shook her head in front of a big wooden door, with her hands on her hips, most of the students were giving each other wet willies and wedgies, and some of them were even picking the nose of their neighbor. Amelia has resurfaced in a white strait jacket and Naga finally regained consciousness and the dart still dangled from her boob. "Well.maybe we should get the sorting done.before any more work for the nurse becomes a problem." Filia turned around and pushed open the doors to reveal a room that was dark, dank and smelled of various bodily fluids. She led all the new students down an ugly, stained blue carpet and to the little stage where sat a stool, on which sat a roll of duct tape. "This is supposed to be the sorting phase." Gourry poked Lina in the ribs, making her kick him in the shin in return. "Now. I'll read off your names one at a time and the magical roll of duct tape will sort you into your houses, giving you each a name tag with a specific note about you. The houses are these:" Filia began, unrolling a greasy newspaper. "Truffle Shuffle, Bright and Shiny, Jon Belushi and Kablooie." She read them off seriously, getting a few snickers from the new students and evil glares from the others. "They say Truffle Shuffle has some of the best mages, but Jon Belushi has the best swordsmen, Kablooie takes in a lot of Chunks, but they turn out the worst mages, only because they focus on winning karaoke and evil laughter contests." Amelia informed Lina, who only watched as Filia peered closely at the greasy newspaper "Will Chronically, Bald come up to the duct tape?" Filia read as a very bald boy came up to the duct tape which unraveled itself a little. Bald picked it up and the duct tape immediately wrapped him up like a mummy, and then floated gracefully back to its stool commanding, "Feed him to the Giant Crab." "Nuuuuu!" Bald screamed, trying to get out of the duct tape. "That was the Crab Sacrifice." Amelia explained, to nobody in particular. "What kind of place has a giant crab?" Gourry asked, thinking of a giant crab boil. "Next," Filia adjusted the greasy newspaper, "Gabriev, Gourry, please come up to the duct tape." "Hmmm." the duct tape started to mumble, "Very fast and good with a sword, couldn't use magic to save your life.Jon Belushi sounds like a good place to put you.but the script says you have to be in.TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!" "Cool," Gourry commented and stood. "Wait! You need your tag." The magical pen floated up and wrote something on the duct tape and ripped off a piece and attached it to Gourry's shirt. "sniarb shifyllej?" Gourry read the tag. "Jellyfish brains, stupid." Lina insulted. "Sit with your house, Mr. Gabriev," Filia said and read the next name on the greasy newspaper. "Chondriac, Hypo" "Hypo Chondriac?" Lina raised her eyebrows as a very sick looking kid went up to the duct tape. "BRIGHT AND SHINY!" the tape shouted, making Hypo faint. The magical pen attached his name tag to his shirt (saying: I told you I was sick) and someone dragged him to the Bright and Shiny table. "Inverse, Lina." Filia called, and the people at the table behind the duct tape stood. One man, with a thick beard, whose name tag said "Kindness to all creatures kick!" looked at Lina with a big stupid grin on his face. "Hi daddy!" Amelia waved. The man waved at Amelia and then waited for the response of the duct tape. "You are going to be great, I'll tell you this much," the tape told Lina, "Any house would be good for you, except for maybe Bright and Shiny. They're stupid." "When did you figure that out?" Lina mumbled, looking at the people in Bright and Shiny, all of them were depicting the Three Stooges' antics. "Well, it's your choice of houses here girly." The tape told Lina, and she thought for a while. "Kablooie reminds me of making things explode, Jon Belushi reminds me of Samurai Deli, and Truffle Shuffle reminds me of gourmet food." Lina thought aloud. "I'm going to choose." Lina paused, seeing the author floating above the stained carpet, waving her blowgun. "TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!" "Good choice." The author grinned and disappeared. "Name tag!" the magical pen shouted and handed Lina the piece of duct tape with her description on it. "Heroine.not the kind you snort?" Lina read it in puzzlement, stuck it on her shirt and sat next to Gourry, who had been sitting there growing thinner and thinner from lack of food. "What's with you?" "Foooooooooooooooooooooooooooood..." Gourry groaned, slamming his face into the ugly plate. "Oh.kay." Lina turned around and saw Luna hovering over her shoulder. "How's it going Lina?!" Luna cried cheerfully, making Lina go stiff and faint. "Now what did I do?" "You made her faint." Gourry pointed with his fork, an orange lily was at the end. "Are you eating the flowers?" Luna glared at Gourry, who only munched on the flower. "Never mind, I don't know you." Luna walked away. Lina recovered and saw the others who had joined the Truffle Shuffle house. "Hello there," Amelia was greeting everyone at the table by giving them a justice speech. "Just our luck, the precious toad princess of justice has joined us." Luna muttered under her breath. "Hey, Luna, who is that talking to the guy with the Beatles' hair cut?" Gourry asked. "That's Rezo. He teaches 'Maniacal Laughter for Mages'. You don't get to have that class." Luna explained in a low voice, under the table, making sure Lina doesn't have another spell of strangeness. "And the guy Rezo is talking to?" Gourry asked, pointing at the guy with the Beatles' hair cut. "That's Xelloss, He teaches 'How to Annoy Dragons'. You don't have class with him either. He heads the Kablooie house." "Who's the man with the blue skin?" Amelia asked, pulling on Luna's dress, with her thumb in her mouth. "The School's Sandpaper, name's Zelgadiss. He helped some of the Truffle Shuffle Swordsmen with their 'Hack away at a piece of wood' art projects. He also heads up the sword classes here. Kinda your all around kind of guy. If the carpenter needs sandpaper, he calls on Mr. Zelgadiss" Amelia then swooned, squealed and made goo-goo eyes at Zelgadiss. "Well, your tag does describes you very well.'know-it-all'." Gourry mused and then shoved a bloom of lavender in his mouth. "You realize that those are artificial flowers, right?" Luna said, before getting hit with a blow dart in the leg. The author waved at Lina and Gourry and went to sit with Xelloss, just to glomp him. "Ack!" Xelloss screamed, "Get it off! Get it off!" the author got off and then glomped Zelgadiss, ouch. The author then staggered away to the nurse.
"Ok, first year Truffle Shuffles follow me please, and be careful with Lina, she's very sensitive on where you touch her." Luna showed the way to the dorms. "Please bear in mind that some of the stairs are made of quicksand, and it can suck you into another dimension." "LUNAAAAAAAAAA!" a boy screamed. "Please step ahead of me Billy." "But I'm Tommy!" the boy screamed and then stepped in the quicksand, getting sucked into a parallel dimension full of Care Bears, who hugged Tommy till he bore the stupid clover on his stomach, even though he had lips on his.ahem. " Of course you are, Billy. As you can see. These steps are dangerous, so we will take another flight." Luna guided the group and Gourry carrying the unconscious Lina up another flight, to a giant banana. "Password." The giant banana requested. "Luna Inverse is the greatest mage this school has seen." Luna replied, getting several whispers from the conscious students. "Egomaniacs." One girl whispered to Amelia. "Accepted." The giant banana fell over, clouding the vision of the students. "Hurry in now, before the giant banana eats you." Luna shoved the students in and the banana ate the fat one that is always last in everything. "You really have to be careful about being eaten around here." Gourry said and grabbed Lina's boob by mistake, getting a slap on the head from the sorcery student. "Don't be grabbing things you can't have!" Lina roared and then jumped down from Gourry's arms, she took one glance at Luna and ran away before she could faint again. "Someone please go tell her the password so she doesn't get locked out of here or eaten. Our giant banana tends to eat people who say the wrong password." "Aie.you're boring me, Luna.go to bed. Leave the little brats their information on the corkboard and shut up already!" "Yes, Miss Jinu." Luna curtsied and slapped a greasy newspaper on the corkboard and went to bed. "Is she gone?" Lina peeked out from inside the fireplace. "Yeah, you'll find your crap all ready for you in your dorm. Night." The author yawned and went to bed herself.
Now is the time where you can stand, stretch, go pee.whatever. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do doh! Feel free to hum something from Slayers. I like Breeze and The Best Victory in the World!
"Crimeny, Gourry! You're always making me late for class!" Lina yelled at Gourry from far away, she was late for her 'How to Annoy Dragons class' with Xelloss. She scrambled to her seat, sliding under the teacher's legs, having someone yell "SAFE!" before the door shut. "Glad you could join us Miss Inverse," Xelloss smirked, and sat on the wobbly podium, and thus falling. The entire class then burst into laughter and Xelloss got up. "Don't laugh, or you all get detention!" the class then immediately silenced themselves with whatever they had handy, feet, knuckles, maces or each other's skulls. "I see that you're here, Inverse." Naga laughed, getting a glare from Lina, "You seem to be so important, why aren't you saving the school yet?" "WILL YOU STOP WITH THE SPOILERS?!" the author yelled and shot Naga with another dart, right next to the one that Naga failed to remove from the last time she had been shot. "Ohh.I don't feel so great." Naga put her hand to her forehead and collapsed on the floor. "Let's begin class shall we?" Xelloss turned to the little roll-away chalkboard he had behind him. "If you're not supposed to be here, I'll turn you into a Mazoku and make you my slave." Xelloss glared at his students, who had the looks of a deer in the headlights on many of their faces. "If you aren't familiar with this class, I'll tell you this much, this class is to help you annoy dragons, by any means necessary. You will be graded for creativity, neatness, and a little of cuteness, after all, I am the cutest little thing, aren't I?" Xelloss winked at the students and a little sign from his podium popped up with a cue card reading "Yes, Mr. Xelloss!" "I love how you installed those cue cards, Miss Jinu!" Xelloss said to the girl on the ceiling supports. "Why thank ya." The author nodded and disappeared to supervise another class.
"Ok, take out your swords." Zelgadiss instructed, and the class took their swords out like he said. "Mr. Zelgadiss.are you getting paid for double duty on your job?" Gourry raised his hand. "No." Zelgadiss grumbled and looked at the author, who was participating in the class, giving him goo-goo eyes. "Well, what do you expect? He's already the sandpaper, why can't he be a teacher too?" the author shrugged, "Besides, he's supposed to be nice, after all he's not the one wearing the hippy clothes, Gourry." "You have impeccable taste." Zelgadiss said and started to pair up the students to practice. "I wanna work with the author girl!" many of the students whined, looking at the author pathetically. "You're all desperate, aren't you? You don't want to know what I really look like, do you?" the author raised her eyebrows. "Sure! We don't mind!" one student piped up, and the author began to pull up her mask.
Due to budget cuts, the next part of the scene will not be shown. Instead, you will watch the dancing chipmunk! Now where did that prop guy put it? Crap. well.imagine a dancing chipmunk and then proceed to the next part of the story. Thank you come again.
"Oh my god! That's wrong!" Lina screamed at Amelia who was showing her a picture of her father acting out Little Shop of Horrors on stage. "I know.not only wrong, but sad too." Amelia put the picture back in her blouse, and tore open a ketchup packet and dumping it in her mouth before being interrupted by Rezo running into the main hall screaming like a little girly man. "Giant gerbil! Giant gerbil loose in the school!" he screamed and fell to the floor, tripped by one of the Kablooie students. "Giant gerbil?" Prince Phil rose from his seat, and the students screamed like they were at a Britney Spears concert, some in excitement, and some in horror. "Now students, remain calm, gerbils can't sign autographs!! All house egomaniacs will lead their charges to the dorms while the teachers take care of the gerbil." "Now, students follow me, unless you have a death wish." Luna ordered the Truffle Shuffles and had them follow her to the dorms. Lina and Amelia paused, Gourry was still trying to figure out what the little buttons in the bathroom were and he didn't know about the giant gerbil. "Gourry doesn't know about the gerbil!" Amelia started to panic. "I kind of realized that, Amelia." Lina said flatly and dashed to the boy's bathroom. "I always wondered what it looked like in here." Amelia said, her voice echoing off the porcelain tiles that lined the cracked walls. "Gourry!" Lina pointed to Gourry in the corner, getting licked by the giant gerbil. "He thinks I'm tasty." Gourry grinned, letting the gerbil lick his..face (I know what you were thinking.I'm ashamed of you personally.) "Oh, man that's disgusting!" Lina groaned and poked it with the nearest thing she got hold of.a urinal cake. "Doubly disgusting!" she threw the cake away and it hit Amelia in the head, knocking her to the floor. "Ow.." Amelia whimpered in pain and rubbed her head where the urinal cake hit it. "Lina, do something.I'm incapable to deliver my patented "Hammer of Justice" to that little.thing there." Amelia told and laid back on the tile. "Aw, jeez.I always have to everything around here." Lina rolled her eyes and looked around for something to distract the gerbil. She found a giant gerbil ball the rodent had been in and kicked it toward the gerbil. "Squeeeeeeeak!" the gerbil.um..squealed or something.whose plan to lick Gourry into oblivion had been foiled by half an inch of plastic bubble rolling over him, and trapping him within. "Get the lid, you moron!!" Lina yelled at Gourry and pointed to the lid on Gourry's head. Gourry pointed at the lid and looked at Lina questionably. "Yes! That lid!" Lina yelled some more, and Gourry kicked the gerbil ball enough to get the lid on securely. "Great Ceiphied's Ghost!" Filia skidded to a halt behind Lina, followed by Xelloss and Prince Phil, "What do we have here?" Rezo also came in and tripped over his dress. "We put the gerbil back in his ball." Lina told Filia with a smug and satisfied smile. "I can see that! I'm not blind, like that fool Rezo!" Filia shouted in Lina's ear, making her rub it to get rid of the constant ringing that occurred when Madame Ul Copt was in the room. "Rezo's blind?" Gourry asked, raising his hand, making all the others, even the gerbil shake their heads in shame. "Good kitty." Rezo petted a sink. "Yes, he's blind as a bat." Filia said in a flat, emotionless voice. "Technically.bats aren't blind, they just have very poor vision." Xelloss corrected Filia, making her face turn red. "Are you saying that I'm incorrect, Xelloss?" Filia's tail popped out from under her skirt, lashing back and forth, hitting Lina several times on the back of the head. "Yes." Xelloss went into his famed 'that's a secret' pose and winked. "Why I outta." Filia reached for her mace. "Temper, temper, Madame Ul Copt." Prince Phil wagged his finger and then turned to Lina and Gourry. "You two were certainly very heroic this evening, I'm pleased to let you have an extended curfew." "There's a curfew?" Lina asked; she had been staying up till past three in the morning, going over spells in Luna's spell book to absorb as much as she could to finally beat Luna in something. "You weren't aware of the curfew?" Phil asked, scratching himself.there.*shudder* "Can't you do that in private?" Lina made a disgusted face. "Sorry, no.I can't.it's a thing I have to share. I declare to the world: MY BALLS ITCH!" Phil screamed, creating an echo in the bathroom. "I think I'll leave now." Lina zoomed past Phil, followed by Gourry and the two other teachers, who magically got martinis out of thin air. (I broke my little umbrella..saaaaad.)
The following week, nothing spiffy happened. There was a test.but that was about it. The toilet plugged up and some of Zelgadiss's hair was used to poke the evidence through. No, the hair was not attached to his head. Jinu- sempai wouldn't do something like that to her Zelly-poo. "Zelly-poo?" Zelgadiss looked up at the author who was lounging on the roof as usual. "Yes. You're Zelly-poo. MY Zelly-poo." The author grinned. "I'll show you Zelly-poo." Zelgadiss muttered and reached for the conveniently nearby manure sack. "Don't even try it bud." The author narrowed her eyes and wiggled the blowgun in her hands. "I've got a dart with your name on it." "Uh.I'm stone." "Well this one has a diamond tip, it'll get through to you." The author searched her pockets for the dart, "Now.where did I put it?" She continued to search all into the night, considering the fact that her pockets contain lots of hammerspace. She fell off the roof at about 2:30 at night and then stopped and fell asleep. "Strange woman." Zelgadiss mumbled when he found her in the morning. "Hey, Zel?" Lina and Amelia walked up to him and the snoozing author. "Num.num.bat wings." The author spoke in her sleep. "What was with the giant gerbil last week?" "He was released by the villain of the story to distract the teachers so he could get his grubby little paws on something." The author continued in her sleep. "What thing?" "Some thing. I'm not saying anything more." The author rolled over and snored. "Hmmm.what kinds of things are hidden in this place?" Lina pondered at the author's clue. "I know!" Amelia jumped up and down in excitement. "What would the villain want that is hidden in this castle?" Lina pondered some more. "I know! I know!" Amelia was on the verge of hyperventilation and then passed out. (Amelia certainly gets knocked out a lot in this story huh?) "Well.I'll figure it out later, or I'll just steal a script from her." Lina pointed to Jinu and then went back inside to practice her annoyance techniques. Zelgadiss shrugged and then went to sand down a bedpost with his elbow.
That evening the Truffle Shuffle dorms were all bustling with activity because there was to be a karaoke tournament the next week. Everyone was gathered around the greasy newspaper that was plastered on the wall, because the other greasy newspaper on the cork board was attempting to eat people. "Aw.no first years?" Amelia whined, "I'm such a great singer though." "Yep.just like someone with tonsillitis." Lina rolled her eyes, while looking at a volume that was assigned in Magic 101. "Why do you always have to drag me down, Lina?" Amelia whined. "Because its fun. That's why." Lina smarted off and turned the page. Gourry had been practicing in the corner with his sword, making the wall shoot sparks every time he hit it. "Gourry! Will you quit it?!" Lina slammed the book shut, accidentally trapping Dragon Spooker the Second. "Sorry.but I need something to do. I'm feeling all left out because I'm the only swordsman in this house." Gourry complained. "The stupid author girl put me here just so I could suffer." "No.because she feels that your are more in tune with us." Amelia corrected, getting a pat on the head and a dog biscuit from the author. Suddenly the lights went out and everything was dark except for the few sparks that Gourry created from hitting the wall with his sword in aggravation "All right.who killed the lights?" Luna yelled from the darkness. "It was I!" an annoying laugh appeared from the darkness, "You annoying Truffle Shuffles are no match for me and my wonderful singing!" "Oh.no.gasp.its Naga, the goldfish turds." Lina said flatly. "Goldfish turds?" Naga laughed to hide her pain. "Why am I goldfish turds? You're the one that follows your sister everywhere!" She snapped the lights on and moved in on Lina. "Wooh.lethal tuna breath." Lina smirked and Naga pulled back. "Well, I see I'm not welcome here." Naga laughed some of her patented laugh and left. "Who gave her the password?" Luna demanded, tapping her foot and everyone looked at Gourry. "What?" Gourry shrank into his corner. "Her jumblies were frightening me." "Now I have to talk to the giant banana about a new password." Luna sighed in frustration and exited to speak to the giant banana. "Three.two.one." the author counted down and there was a giant snap, a yelp and Luna came back limping. "He agrees that the new password is Blue Dragon Soup." Luna mumbled and fell face first on the floor. Her ferret, Mullet, had been chewing on the chair legs came over and started to chew on Luna's hair. When one of the other Truffle Shuffles tried to get Mullet away, she snarled and attached herself to that student's hand. He ran around screaming for 20 minutes until he stopped, shrugged and went up to bed, ferret still attached to his hand.
"Hey.Amelia." Lina beckoned the self-proclaimed "Hammer of Justice" over to read a small section of the book she found. "What? You're not going to send me to clean the ferret house are you?" "No. Read this." Lina pointed to the paragraph and Amelia read aloud. "The Orihalcon Statue, greatly valued at over a million gold pieces contains the Philosopher's Stone, and when broken and dissolved into water, is said to cure any disease." Amelia paused and blinked. "Do you think that is what the villain is after?" "Has to be. Its worth a ton, and is the miracle cure of miracle cures." Luna piped in over Lina's shoulder. "Gyahhh!" Lina screamed, "Don't do that!" "Do what?" Luna smiled, making Lina more nervous. "Surprise me like that!" Lina spat and thought for a moment. "Now.who here has something they want to cure?" "Mr. Zelgadiss does." Amelia thought of the school's sandpaper man. "I've been listening in on him and my father's conversations. He doesn't like being the sandpaper in this school." "That would be suspect number one." Luna counted. "Jinkies!" Gourry exclaimed. "I love that cereal!" He inhaled mouthfuls of frosted rice O's in his mouth. "Could you eat a little quieter, Gourry?" "Well.I don't think Zelgadiss knows where that statue is." Luna noted. "He's not the villainous type." "Well.then who else then?" Lina thought for a while. "What about Rezo? He's got a evil laugh." "And he turned Mr. Zelgadiss into what he is." Amelia chimed in. "You might be on to something, Amelia." Lina nodded, "I noticed him pocket something white while on the UFO.could that be the statue?" "Most likely.because that is what happened in Harry Potter." Amelia said smartly. "And the fact that this is a parody of that first book." Luna added. "So it has to be Rezo." Lina concluded. "But what about Xelloss?" Gourry suddenly interrupted through his cereal. "He's been acting rather suspiciously lately as well.we should keep an eye on him too." Luna added. "Not me. I'm supposed to somehow win the karaoke championship for Truffle Shuffle." Lina immediately counted herself out.
"Wahahahahahaha!" Rezo laughed, "I love my evil laugh!" "Will you stop that?" Filia slapped the table. "Sorry.I can't help it." Rezo hung his head. "I need to have something to do since I can't stare at shiny things. I'm blind you know." "There's a shocker." Valgarv grunted. "People.Mazoku.Dragons.please.can we get on with the meeting?" Phil hit his hammer thing on a chunk of wood. Neatly inscribed on the hammer thing was "Amelia". "I suppose.where is Namagomi? I haven't called him that to his face sixteen times today." Filia shrugged and sipped on her martini. "He's teaching a class today, or so I'm told." Phil explained.
"Hee hee hee! This is going to be great!" Xelloss giggled as he positioned a bucket full of water balloons over the door to Filia's quarters. "For shame on you Xelloss." The author clicked her tongue and wagged her finger. "You know that those balloons should be filled with pudding, not water." "You mean I have to go and fill them with pudding now?" Xelloss whined. "Yes.you do know why I'm letting you do this, yes?" "No.not exactly.other than the fact I'm gonna be drenching Filia with some pudding." "Its to lure the protagonists into thinking you've come to suspicion, that's all." "Oh.but.I'm not evil!" Xelloss cried, sitting on the ground. "Not yet anyway." The author winked and then disappeared to annoy other people. Xelloss disappeared to fill his balloons with pudding and then put those in the bucket above Filia's door. She was drenched after attending another cocktail party held by Prince Phil.
"Ooo ooo ooo ooh. What does this button do?" Amelia sang as she, Gourry and Lina were in front of a bed-wetting-kinda-scary door. "What do you mean Amelia, Gourry and me?" Lina raged, looking at the author with flaming eyes. "Just get on with this.I'm starting to grow tired of her singing.." "Ooo ooo ooo ooh. What does this button do?" Gourry joined Amelia in song and then pressed the button. A lawyer shot out of the ground and then pointed at Gourry. "You are a stupid poopy face!" he yelled and then disappeared. "Infantile." Lina rolled her eyes and then pushed the door open to reveal a cat with sunglasses on. "Hold it right there!" Valgarv came out of nowhere and stopped the scene. "This is far too silly!" "Where have you been?" Lina crossed her arms, waiting for an answer. "I was feeding her majesty's plush cats. They're very picky eaters." Valgarv answered. "There's an oxymoron if I've ever seen one." Lina rolled her eyes. "What do you mean?" Valgarv flopped onto his (sexy!) stomach. "You were doing something silly and now you're here stopping the silliness." Lina explained bringing down a chart and a pointer stick out of nowhere. "Oh." Valgarv was watching Gourry poke the cat. "Poor kitty!" Amelia squealed and scooped up the cat, not realizing that the cat was scratching up her face. "Don't worry kitty, mean old Mister Gourry won't hurt you anymore!" "You're out of a job bud. This is supposed to be naturally silly. That's the point of a parody." Lina said and shoved Valgarv out the door. "Go bug my sister or something." Lina then kicked the door shut and went up to the cat. "Isn't she cute?" Amelia squealed, jumping up and down excitedly. "Yeah.adorable.let's go." Lina grabbed Gourry's collar and dragged Gourry to the next door. "One second there, Miss Inverse." The cat suddenly blurted out, Amelia threw the cat and screamed. "Talking cat! Talking cat!" "Can I eat it?" Gourry asked, poking the cat with a fork this time. "Stop it you moron. You have to play Jeopardy before you can pass." The cat said and then clapped her paws to make a game show set fizzle out of the ground. "Your answer is: Woof." The cat read off a card, "You have thirty seconds to answer it." Then the contestants scribbled something on a card and the timer buzzed. "Now, let's start with you Lina, what did you put down?" the cat asked. Lina held up her card. Let me pass or I'll pound you. "Great answer.but WRONG!" the cat shouted. "Now let's move on to Amelia." Amelia then held up her card with a gigantic grin on her face. JUSTICE!!!!!! "Congratulations, Amelia!" the cat said enthusiastically, "I'VE NEVER SEEN A MORE WRONG ANSWER IN ALL MY 600 YEARS!" the cat yelled and then calmed down. "Gourry.your answer please." Gourry held up his card, but it was upside down the cat popped him upside the head and then he turned his card around. Pass the mustard. "Oh.my goodness.he.got it..RIGHT!" the cat fainted as did Amelia and Lina. Gourry just stood there, scratching his head in confusion. "I just wanted mustard for my burger." Gourry finally said to himself, and the cat, Lina and Amelia rose to their feet like zombies. "Congratulations, you can go on through. Too bad that one guy didn't have any other people to play with." the cat said to herself. "What other guy?" "Well.there was a guy with purple hair trying to get through here.but he was on his own, so he didn't get three chances to answer my riddle. "I..see.well.see ya!" Lina grabbed Gourry and Amelia's shirts and kicked down the door, which revealed a room full of raccoons and a karaoke machine. "This just gets weirder and weirder, huh?" the author jumped in front of Lina, who dropped Gourry and Amelia. The author grinned. "Guess what you have to do, Lina." "I have to sing the right song to get one of the raccoons to transform into a spaceship so we can fly up in that hole." Lina said flatly. "Y..no. You have to throw all the raccoons till one turns into a spaceship and then sing the rest to sleep while you get away before they attack you with rabid bites and radioactive garbage." "You definitely watch too much anime, play too many video games and have too much time on your hands, you know that?" Lina raised her eyebrows at the author. "Yup! My favorite anime are Blue Seed, Slayers, and Fushigi Yuugi. My favorite games are Sonic Adventure 2 and Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and I know I have too much time on my hands, otherwise I wouldn't have been writing this." "Oh the horror!" Gourry screamed and was pounced on by 15 raccoons. "I'll save you Mr. Gourry!" Amelia ran to the highest point in the room (which was the top of the karaoke machine) and began a justice speech. "Even if you are cute and fuzzy and are useful as spaceships, you shall feel the wrath of the Hammer of Justice!" Amelia shouted at the raccoons, who were meowing excitedly and were trying to ask Gourry what kind of shampoo he uses. "I use White Rain actually." Gourry said to the raccoons, who all looked at each other. "It's cheap and it actually does good for my hair." Gourry puffed his hair with a smile. The raccoons pounced on him again, but this time in attack. "Maybe they don't like cheap shampoo." Amelia said and flipped the switch on the karaoke machine. Lina brought bricks to her head and started to beat them into her skull. "A girl still won't go wrong with the hammer of justice!" Amelia sang and one of the raccoons that were on Gourry was dancing on his head. "Lina, its that one!" Amelia pointed out at the one on Gourry's head. Lina stopped beating herself silly with the bricks, grabbed the dancing raccoon and threw it at a wall. It splattered and a key came out from the guts. "EW." Amelia squawked, "that poor raccoon..hey.wait a sec, you lied to us!" Amelia pointed at the author, who darted her eyes around. "Me? Why would I do such a thing?" the author asked innocently. "Because you're a sneaky, conniving little creep." Lina responded as the raccoons were starting to nest in Gourry's hair. "Fine.I'm starting to get sick of this anyway." The author sighed and waved her hand. "I now say that Amelia and Gourry got hurt and so Lina has to go and fight the villain on her own, despite how the TV series goes." Suddenly Amelia and Gourry disappeared and Lina was in a dark laboratory with a tall figure looming in front of her. "So.you're the villain." "Muhahahahahaha." The guy responded, "I finally have it.the Orihalcon Statue and within, the Philosopher's Stone.I won't have to live in the dark anymore!" "Uh.what are you talking about?" Lina asked the figure and he turned around. "Oh.Miss Inverse.I see you made it all the way to the cocktail lounge." "Rezo.we're not in the cocktail lounge, this is a laboratory and you're holding a gummy of Venus de Milo." Lina said as she snatched the Orihalcon Statue from under Rezo's nose. "Oh.." Rezo popped the gummy in his mouth. "Tasty." He chewed it for a bit and then swallowed. "Now, fork over the statue." "Only if it'll get the story over and done with." "But what about the next one?" Rezo asked, being manipulated by the author (obviously, ^.^) "I'd rather be the abused shut-in." Lina responded and smashed the statue on the ground, and picked up the Philosopher's Stone. She handed it to Rezo who dropped it several times before dropping it in a glass of water. It fizzled like Alka-Seltzer and then Rezo drank it. "Hey.you have red hair." Rezo said after drinking the potion. "And red skin and red everything.uh.oh.." Rezo then screamed like a girly man as Shabby crawled out of his eyes. "Yuk.eye goo." Shabby wiped some goop off his arm. "Eep.." Lina squeaked and then timidly walked up to Shabby. "What do you want, you puny, flat-chested, ooglay excuse for a sorceress?" Shabby asked, getting in Lina's face. "Darkness beyond blackest pitch, deeper than darkest night. Buried in the flow of time. I call upon the dark lord who shines like gold upon the sea of chaos. In thy great name, I pledge myself to you, let the fools who stand before us be destroyed by the power you and I possess, GIGA SLAVE!" Lina said and poked Shabby in the chest and he fell over dead. Lina's hair turned white and she collapsed.
"I see you've regained your appetite." Prince Phil said to Lina who was sitting in her bed at the infirmary as he watched Lina gulp down bowlful after bowlful of ramen soup. "Well.using magic takes a lot of carbs!" Lina said between slurps. "That spell.how did you learn it?" Phil asked. "Stole a book from Luna." Lina responded and then Luna jumped from behind the curtain. "Ah-ha! I knew it! You're the one who stole my Forbidden Dark Spells Volume 6!" Luna then started to rant about how first-years aren't even supposed to be looking through upperclassmen's things, no matter if they're related or not. "By the way.you're excused from your finals." Phil added kindly and then left, scratching his nuts. "Go away, Luna." Lina said after finishing her 16th bowl of ramen. "Why should I?" Luna mocked, crossing her arms and waiting for an answer. *shoomp* A dart hit Luna in the butt and she fell to the floor. The nurse then carried her away to another bed. The author waved at Lina from her perch at the window, making goo-goo eyes at Zelgadiss.
"Finally.the end of the year." Filia sighed as she dumped a container of cayenne pepper in Xelloss's chili. The Mazoku never took notice of the pepper till he ate some of it.but he liked it, much to Filia's displeasure. Phil stood up at the teacher's table and tapped a cheap plastic cup. The students were all gossiping on how one of the Kablooies looked like Britney Spears.and all the Kablooies were male or female impersonators, so that didn't make any sense whatsoever. Valgarv was making goo-goo eyes at Filia, who was throwing in habanera chilies in Xelloss's food. Zelgadiss was avoiding the stares of Amelia and the Author and Xelloss was contemplating his next scheme to annoy Filia. "HEY!" Phil's voice blared through a bullhorn, "Sit down and shut up!" Everyone immediately silenced themselves with fists and plates. "Time for the end-of-the-year feast! Now.bring out the banquet!" Midgets burst through the kitchen doors carrying platters of peas and ketchup packets. "Now eat or I'll sick the midgets on you!" Phil shouted in the bull horn and everyone dumped the platters of ketchup packets and peas in their mouths, cans, packets and all. Gourry and Lina ate 6 platters each, and Luna (who suddenly went on a diet the moment the midgets came out) ate only a quarter of a platter, she gave the rest to Amelia. Amelia got sick and vomited on Naga's boots (Naga only laughed at Amelia till she realized that her boots smelled like ketchup and peas). Then everyone went home to prepare for next year. Wooh.
Created: 6/23/02 Finished: 9/30/02