She's a somewhat normal teenage girl of leisure!
She's a mostly grounded brunette with a cute blue hair bow!
She can putt your pants right off!
She'll watch movies without stop!
And if you complement her you can hear her say:
"Can you call my mom and tell her that?"
She's Stacy!
Stacy the teenage girl!
"Hey! Whatcha doin'?"
"We're getting ready for Perry's adoption party."
"Wow, Ferb. But where is Phineas?"
Ferb shrugged. Baljeet sighed. "Oh well. But where is Perry?"
Down the hall, take the right, pull the table leg – watch everything fall down. Whoops. Good thing that wasn't the good china table. Oh, right, it's the second table. Pull the table leg, hole opens up, swoosh down into the chair – there we go.
"Good morning, Agent P. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up mass quantities of calculators. We haven't done all the math, but it probably adds up to evil, so go solve that problem! Carl, I'm really proud of that one."
"It was excellent, sir."
"Oh, don't look so down, Agent P. I know how hard it is to work on your adoption day party, but evil never sleeps. Besides, it's not like there's anyone we could call in for you. We have to keep your identity secret. All the other agents have their own nemesises… nemesi? Nemepeople?"
But Perry was long gone. Besides, there was someone who he could call in.
"I believe the proper plural form is 'nemeses," sir."
The first thing Stacy noticed is that Candace hung up. Again. The second thing she noticed was the sound of someone knocking on her window.
The third thing the noticed was that it was Perry was knocking on her window. With a fedora. And a jetpack.
"Perry, what are you doing here?" she asked as she opened the window. "Someone might see you." Her eyes widened as Perry produced a rather large – and heavy as she found as she took it into her hands – package.
"Wait, what's all this? An official O.W.C.A. one-use jetpack? A fedora? And shouldn't you be at your adoption par – oh." Realization dawned on Stacy's face. Then it dawned again.
"You want me to fight your pharmacist nemesis? So you can go to your party? But I can't fight evil! I have no idea how to – A Beginner's Guide to Fighting Evil. Are you sure this is enough? I mean, it's a rather short pamphlet." Perry gave her a thumbs up and a small smile.
"Well, okay, if you think so. Have fun at your party!" With that, Perry took off once more in his jetpack. "Now, let's see, step one to fighting evil…"
"…And then, finally, jump off and deploy your parachute. Seems simple enough."
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
"Oh, there's the jingle! I must be getting close. Although, in hindsight, I'm not sure how I ever missed this building."
Stacy landed on the balcony – on her feet too, not bad for her first attempt – walked through the open garage-esque door, and right into a giant calculator.
Wait, what? Yes, her foot was stuck inside a giant calculator.
I suppose I've seen weirder, but still….
"Ah-ha, Perry the Platy – wait a second, you're not Perry the Platypus! Ahem. Ah-ha, Perry the Teenage Girl! Although you're not the same teenage girl you were last time. Ah-ha, Perry the Other Teenage Girl! Although, really, that doesn't roll off the tongue too well."
"Actually, I'm Stacy."
"Stacy, huh? Ah-ha, Stacy the Teenage Girl! Wait, wait, wait. So you're not Perry the Anything?"
"Nope."
"But, but– Perry the Platypus is my nemesis! I can't believe he would just not show up! I hope he didn't find another evil scientist to thwart. That would… that would be…." The poor fellow looked like he was on the verge of tears when Stacy remembered.
"Oh, here. Here's a letter Perry asked me to deliver."
The pharmacist – no, evil scientist – took the letter, and began to read.
"Dear Heinz Doofensmirtz, I am sorry I cannot make it to blah blah blah have a party to attend blah blah – he's going to a party instead of fighting me? Well, I hope he has a good time. So, are you his substitute or something?"
"Basically." Really, when she signed up for this, she expected a lot more action, not a whole lot of exposition.
"Well, here's the routine Perry the Platypus and I follow, just so you're up to speed, okay? First, Perry breaks into my lair. You've already done that, so that's a good start. And you didn't even break down my door or blow another hole in my walls."
"He usually does that?"
"Oh, believe you me, I think repairs cost more than my –inators at this point. Anyway, the second step is that I trap you. You'll have to excuse me, I-I expected Perry the Platypus, not Stacy the Teenage Girl, so I didn't make the trap to scale. Perry the Platypus is such a dear and just listens to my backstories and schemes anyway, so be a dear and just hear me out, okay? Thanks."
This was the great evil Perry went off to fight every day? It seemed a lot more exciting when they crashed into her house. Maybe platypodes didn't do much after all.
"Speaking of which, that's step three, where I explain my backstory or motive or what-have-you. I think I'll just list the steps as we go along, just so we can keep moving. Does that sound good to you?" A wordless nod and shrug. "Ahh, silent just like Perry the Platypus does it! Now you're getting into it.
"Anyway, back in Drusselstien, calculators were a rarity. Wait, you don't have the extensive knowledge about all my tragic backstories. I'm going to have to fill you in on those at some point. Anyway, one day, my mother bought a calculator for Roger, my older brother…"
Stacy sighed. This was going to be a long day.
"…but she never got one for me! So I ended up flunking all my higher level math classes because I couldn't use a calculator, and no one would share. But now, the pancake has been flipped! Or something like that. Behold, the Miscalculate-inator! I will use it to blast every calculator and computer in the Tri-State Area, thereby preventing all forms of higher level math! Accountants, fantasy football players, high school students!..."
"….They will all be rendered helpless before me! I will be the only person capable of doing difficult math problems! And then, in the ensuing financial and social crisis, I will take over the entire Tri-State Area!"
Or at least, Stacy thought that's what he said. She probably fell asleep somewhere along the way, and nearly called Candace out of boredom before remembering her cover.
"Wait a minute, are you on your phone? While I'm monolouging? You know, Perry the Platypus doesn't do this. At least you didn't start taking apart my –inator."
"First day on the job. I'm still learning."
Doofenshirtz stroked his chin, looking away momentarily. "Fair enough. Anyway, that brings us to step four, where you break out of my trap just as I start to put my plan into action."
Stacy gave him a dry look, bent down, and removed the calculator from her foot. Didn't even hurt. Doofenshirtz had his own blank, yet strangely aware look.
"…Yeah, go figure. Anyway, on to step five! Actually, when I first reminded Perry the Platypus of our routine, I think I had seven steps, so I hope I'm on track. But yes, step five, where we fight!"
Finally, some action! Or at least, there would be, if Stacy and Doofenshmirtz were doing something other than standing around awkwardly. Finally, Doofenshimirtz broke the silence.
"Yeah… I'm not really used to the whole 'fight a teenage girl' thing. I have more experience with the 'fight a platypus' thing, so is that okay with you?"
"Sure. First time for me, too."
"Good. Then you can be the first victim of my Miscalculate-inator!" With that, he wheeled the machine around, aimed, and fired. Stacy, too surprised to dodge, felt the full force of the blast… which, admittedly, didn't feel like much. She didn't even stumble. As the ray subsided, both stood still, not quite sure what had happened.
"…In hindsight, considering I made this to ruin mechanical devices, I'm not sure what I was expecting. Oh well. You still can't stop me!" He pushed the device towards the open balcony, speeding past Stacy. Recovering her mental bearings, she ran after him, and managed to shove him away, the two tumbling to the floor. The –inator zoomed onward, slammed into the balcony's wall, and let out one last blast before tumbling over the edge.
"Yup. All according to plan. Step six, I get thwarted."
"- and step seven is where I make my getaway?"
"Yes, that's ri – wait, how did you know that?"
"All in the pamphlet."
"Oh. Huh. Well. Curse you, Stacy the Teenage Girl." A pause. "Nope, doesn't have the same ring as 'Curse you, Perry the Platypus.'"
"Hey, you help me set up my parachute?"
"Sure, no problem. Actually, why don't you take the elevator?"
The ride down the elevator was uneventful, at least. She had to admit, the few seconds of action where she saved the world – Tri-State Area, sorry – from Doofenshmirtz had been absolutely thrilling. The moments before and after, not so much, but take what you can get, right? She would have to thank Perry for the chance later.
Speaking of Perry, she wondered how the party was going.
"…And then the machine was supposed to calculate the optimal platypus trajectory to give him the most fun from the Platypult, but then it just stopped. Must have miscalculated something somehow." Ferb gave a sympathetic look to his understandably upset brother.
"Well, at least it shows machines aren't unbeatable yet."
"And then it exploded, Ferb! Machines don't spontaneously explode. Although, in retrospect, I suppose it's just as plausible as all the other ways things disappear."
"Thanks again for stopping Doofensmirtz from carrying out his evil scheme. I'm not totally sure how you did it from your host family's backyard, but that's probably just because you're that good of an agent."
The small praise accepted, Perry exited his lair and started the unassuming walk back to the yard.
"Oh, there you are, Perry." He looked up to see Stacy giving him a thumbs up, and after a quick glance around, he stood up and returned the gesture.
"Oh, before I forget, Happy Adoption Day, Perry." But the envelope she gave him had the name Dr. Doofenshmirtz on it. A conspiratorial wink from her to him. One right back at her.
"You know, I wouldn't mind going on another mission. Just saying." Even as Perry stuffed the letter somewhere and went back on all fours, she could still see a small smile on his bill.
Well, with some luck, this is not the last of my work on Stacy and Perry, and this story will continue. I do have some macro storyline planned out. But that's a matter for another time.