When all you notice is the cruelty, when you see all the worthless and ever present misery in each soul, you start to ask yourself why bother living if there is no point to life itself. No salvation, just random coincidental circumstances that happen, that help you choose where it is you will go.
It's because deep inside, you know that it is your desire that drives everything you do, that you can decide to do whatever you want; but what about when that desire is taken away from you, ripped from you, a helpless creature? Do you live on as a mindless and empty shell filled with dry ice? Do you surrender, and go it alone?
...Do you give up?
The night sends shivers of wind that ripple through the air, sending a breeze to carry a melancholy message of fleeting life through the Sereitei. The moon is full, and so bright, but the sky seems so dark that everything under it is wrapped in silhouette. There is no noise tonight beside the wind, and there was no happiness to accompany it. There is no one who does not feel the dark aura of the Kuchiki manor on this night.
There is only one man who does not seem to care.
It is pitch black in the large bedroom of Kuchiki Byakuya, who lay desolate in the same clothes he has worn since the morning; a day that spanned like a lifetime. Deep into the grounds of the manor, neither servant nor maid dare come within a range of that cursed room; in fact they merely took the rest of the night off when the…cleaning was finished. Morbid: that's what their day was.
Lying under the heavy covers of his large bed, Byakuya uncharacteristically curls up into the warmth on Hisana's side of the bed. For a flicker of a moment, he refuses to believe that she won't be coming back.
Then he breaks all over again.
Walking out of that room was the hardest thing he has ever done. After her last breath, her last lamentation to Byakuya's heart, he felt himself shatter inside and wept for one of the first times since the cries at birth. She was his one love, the one who saved his heart and was supposed to stay there forever with him. He was so selfish, to keep her as his own, and now he paid the price for it. He stayed weeping on his knees, holding her cool, lifeless hand so tightly for at least an hour before a servant came and tried to bring him up. He did not lift his head, however surprisingly snapped at the servant to get out. It took one of the most personal advisors of the family to touch his shoulder and softly say "it's over now," before he put a gentle hand on her face and immediately got up and stormed to the bedroom; it was twilight at that point. The clan leader locked himself in his bedroom and allowed himself to break completely.
It shouldn't be like this…She was my everything…we were supposed to be together until the end of the both of us and beyond…Instead she was torn from me so early…I will never feel her warmth again…
Byakuya held her pillow as he lay and gave a few tormented sobs into it. His time with her was so brief, she was supposed to be saved from this; she was supposed to be with him in glory. This was no samurai fantasy tale; this was raw misery and pure sorrow that choked the emotion and life out of him slowly.
From this point on, never again did he rely on expectations, however worked hard on everything he did to know the outcome…and only took part in activities in which he knew the outcome.
For the brevity of a blink the thought passed through his mind that he was of the greatest figures in the Soul Society, and that he had the means to do everything and bring her back to health. But he didn't. No matter what doctor he brought back with him, there was nothing they could do, and he only hoped that their treatments would become miracles.
From this point on, never again did he hope, for it distracts one from what he is doing, and in hope he could no longer rely on himself to get the task done. It kills.
All he sees is blackness surrounding him as Byakuya takes his tear streaked face off of the pillow to breathe. The one thought that he was alone now forever made his arms and hands shake with despair as he dares to think about how he must be cursed; doomed to have every person he loved stolen from him prematurely…his mother, his father…his own wife. He was lying down in what is once again his own room, shared by no one else. Yet for some reason he couldn't feel that part yet. It is a difficult thing to realize that the love of your life is not coming back, for she is dead.
Dead.
He just wanted to hold her close to him so much. To almost crush her in his arms and feel that she was real and alive and loving him back. But that will never happen again, and he turns around and weeps into the pillow again. This was something no one had seen, and no one will ever see; what happens when the strongest man falls apart.
…From this point on, never again, he decided, will he love…or at the very least show any outward affection as to save those he cares for, if he could ever care for anyone again. In the future, he would treat Rukia with a cold shoulder, in his point of view, to save her life from the fate of his curse.
At last in a mixture of abandonment, anger, self loathing sorrow, broken love, weariness and utter exhaustion, misery, and despair, he feels a shaky moment of peace…of epiphany as a shadow of her love washes over him from some unknown place. He shakes, but is still, in body and in mind. He dares not think a single word or vision. In this moment, Byakuya falls asleep, and slumbers for a very long time.
From the point in which he awoke, never again did Byakuya Kuchiki weep for anything, and in an ultimate decision to shut all emotion down and lock it away, the loneliest man decided that he was to protect, and never to love.
From that point on, he only felt true love and peace wash over him temporarily when the moon was at its fullest and brightest. Only then did he succumb.
Hello everyone! Just a oneshot for Byakuya and Hisana, posted already on my Byakuya tumblr roleplay blog if you've seen it before! With you luck you enjoyed it, thank you for reading!
~CelestialAngelofSorrow