This is a collaboration with Arlewena, the bestest and awesomest all in one. We've wanted to do some Pirate!Hetalia stories, and then we came up with this. And like all good pirate fics, it starts with a contract and a bet. See the end notes for the chapter playlist.

Neither Arlewena or Araesson's Storm own Hetalia.

Chapter 1: A Meeting of Gentlemen Part 1

"What are you doing, West?"

"I've been doing some research regarding pirates."

"Pirates? How fun. What about them?"

"Well, I've been looking into several of the better-known ones, and have been compiling a list of all of the ones I could find. I was wondering if you could take a look and tell me if you know anything about any of them."

"Let me see… Oh, I think I know a thing or two about these. Kesesese… I happened to personally know all of them, actually."

"You did?! What were they like?"

"You should know, West! You know most of them, too! In fact, you even have the awesome me on this list!"

"... I do?!"

"Yeah! Wow, it was so long ago. I'd forgotten you hadn't been a nation yet. Let me make some calls, and I'll re-introduce you to everyone personally."

October 1648

Prussia had never thought he'd have anything to thank that Priss Austria for, but it turned Austria was actually capable of having good ideas. Well, it hadn't seemed that way at the time. Seriously, a meeting of all of the independent personifications of Europe plus the Ottoman Empire, when their human ambassadors couldn't even decide on who would sit where at the moment? It seemed like the perfect concoction for the reboot of the war they'd just ended, or at the very least a colossal failure that ended in squabbling. All of the chaos would have been egged on by Prussia; chaos was fun, and chaos with the bonus of foiling another of Austria's schemes made it even better.

The meeting started as Prussia had expected. Within minutes Spain and England had begun to argue, drawing the attention of everyone else in the room. One did not ignore Spain and England, especially a Spain and England threatening to draw weapons in close proximity to anything valuable or even the slightest bit flammable. Things had a tendency to explode in the most spectacular fashion around them; it was mostly England's doing, though you had to watch Spain, sometimes. He could be a sneaky bastard when he wanted.

But then came the unexpected good.

"Well, if you're so much better than I, how about you prove it?" England challenged, hand at the hilt of his sword.

Spain smiled. It was not his usual bright and sunny one, but the one that only appeared with England and occasionally Portugal. "Alright. As the challenged, I pick the battlefield… hm…" Spain paused, the somewhat frightening smile still prominent on his face. "How about the seas?"

"My ship against yours? If you insist, but we all know my ships are better than yours." England replied.

"We shall see." Spain hummed, "But I do not think it should be so easy. I think it is time we changed the rules. Whoever becomes the most infamous pirate wins. What do you say?"

England was about to respond, but Prussia interrupted, "Sounds fun. Decided. The awesome me will join. Tremble before the might of awesome Prussia!"

"Woah, we can join, too? I want in!" Denmark announced, jumping to his feet with a hand thrown in the air. "I've wanted to try being a pirate already! It sounds cool!"

As England stuttered protests, France added, "Well, then I must join as well."

"Fine." England spat, "Prepare to lose, frog!"

Portugal, who had been lounging in his chair, looked up and drawled, "I'm in."

"Wait, wait, me and Liet are joining in, too!" Poland announced, slamming his hands down on the table. Lithuania jolted from his listless staring in surprise.

"Poland, what are you doing?!"

Austria sighed, rubbing the side of his head, "Well, if we're all doing this, then we'll have to establish rules."

"I'm home, Mausebär! And even better, I brought a friend!"

"... Well, I guess that qualifies as something pretty. Though… it's not exactly what I would have pictured. But I suppose I should have expected something like this from you."

"Huh? Oh, right. It's better, isn't it! I am the awesomest husband! And look, no blood!"

"What the fuck?!"

"Congratulations, Prussia. You can follow simple instructions. One day you may even make it out of toddler-hood."

"W-What?! Mausebär! Not in front of the guest!"

"Oh, no. Do continue. Maybe at some point this will all actually make some fucking sense."

"I wouldn't hold out hope. You did come here with my darling husband."

"Tch."

Prussia leaned over Austria's shoulders with raised eyebrows, scanning the contract Austria had drawn up. He was a little impressed despite himself how fast Austria could write all of that flowery nonsense. He was about to comment when he was suddenly yanked back and met with the unimpressed steel blue stare of Brandenburg.

"You are seriously going to take part in this foolery, aren't you?" asked his husband in a dry tone. He already seemed to know the answer.

Prussia smirked, "I'll bring you back something pretty." He'd have plenty of opportunities for it. Just think of all the treasure he could steal from Austria to decorate his husband with! Maybe Poland would have something pretty to put around Brandenburg's neck! He'd bring back so many trinkets that everyone would be in awe of his amazing husband skills!

"Just make sure you don't come home in pieces, would you? The house is new, nice and clean. I don't want blood on my floors." Brandenburg ordered.

"Anything for you, Mausebär." Prussia said. He wasn't so sure he could do that, but he could try. He'd at least patch himself up before walking in the house then, if he was met with unawesomely bad luck. Such things were unlikely to happen to the awesomeness that was him, but it was always best to be prepared.

Austria adjusted his spectacles as he surveyed the contract. He cleared his throat, "Just to make things clear, the rules are as follows: In an undecided amount of time, each nation interested will engage in piracy in the hopes of becoming the most infamous. At the end, nations who did not participate will vote to decide who wins. All who participate must give a priceless artifact to the overall winner at the end, but may keep all other spoils. Any nation may join as long as they can procure a ship and crew through any means they wish. Nations may also pledge themselves to another captain if they wish, but they forfeit the right to win under their own name. We will reconvene at a later date to decide the end date for the contest. All in attendance who wish to participate will sign this contract in agreement to uphold these rules and enforce them for any who wish to join this contest at a later date. Are we all in agreement?"

"Hey, Austria, do you still have that old contract we all signed?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That one we signed for the pirate thing!"

"Why on earth do you want that?"

"Oh, West is interested in pirates. I was thinking we could all get together and tell him all about it! Maybe we could even play dress up and relive the glory days! So he gets the full experience, you know."

"Hm. I think I could find it. Have you informed the others?"

"Not yet. We should do a conference call! Do you have everyone's numbers? I broke my phone last week and haven't replaced everyone's numbers yet."

"You do realize that time zones are a thing, don't you?"

"So?! Everyone will be happy to receive a call from the awesome me, no matter if it is day or night! Kesesesese!"

"Why don't we just send an email? That way we don't wake people up for something that would definitely not be considered an emergency?"

"Gah, why do you suck the fun from everything?!"

Prussia darted through the dispersing crowd of nations, flinging his arms around the shoulders of a conversing France and Spain. "Guys! How awesome is this?! You two signed, didn't you? Francy-Pants?"

"Of course. As a corsair of his majesty, I could not possibly pass up this chance to strike fear into the heart of our enemies." France replied with a flourish of his hand.

"We aren't still enemies, are we, France?" Spain asked worriedly, upping the puppy-eye settings to the highest degree.

"That has to be cheating." Prussia said with a head-tilt. He wondered how any man was capable of surviving that look on a regular basis. It was bad enough being exposed to it in small doses like he was, even with his awesomeness shielding him! He hated to think of what Aragon went through.

France turned his eyes away without seeming to struggle (how did he do it?!), and said, "So, I presume the usual opposing-sides agreement is in effect here?" Spain's pout instantly melted away into a smile.

"Do I want to know?" Brandenburg sighed. The three exchanged a look, but before any of them could say anything, Brandenburg continued, "Ah. I see I most definitely do not wish to know. Oh, look, there's Holy Rome. I have some things I simply must discuss with him immediately." His tone was suspiciously insincere. He took a few steps, before pausing and looking back to add, "Spain, France, if you would, please come find me when you three have finished catching up. I have a few things to… discuss with you."

Prussia was confused. "What, we do?"

Brandenburg smiled and patted his shoulder, "No, darling, not we. I. Don't worry your pretty little head about it." And he abruptly walked off.

"Did you hear that? He called me pretty!" He bragged. Best husband ever!

France rolled his eyes. "My, you really are gone, aren't you."

"It's his first marriage, after all! It's always so exciting!" Spain exclaimed, bouncing on his toes.

France shook his head, "Never mind that. Back to business."

"He was… certainly a strong-willed country, even for one of you Germanics, no?"

"Yeah… he was."

"He didn't even blink that one time he threatened France and I, and we were both pretty well in the height of our power, then! And there he was, that little duchy that you had just married, threatening us! I thought it was sweet!"

"He… did?"

"Oui, it was just after we all signed that piracy contract. You may not remember this, but he pulled Spain and I aside for a private conversation."

"Yeah, he threatened us with all sorts of things if we let you come home in anything less than perfect condition!"

"Not to mention the unspoken threat of what would have happened if you had not come home at all…"

"Huh."

"He truly loved you, mon ami. To the very end."

"Yeah. To the very end."

"Yeah, he did. And he certainly wouldn't want his Häschen moping around when he could be drinking and making terrible jokes like always. Don't make me say that again. I swear, the German burned coming up."

Just a note, most of this is not focusing on Brandenburg. He's actually not that important, he just kind of took over the first chapter without us noticing. Not to say he isn't going to play a part, he's just the stay-at-home husband to Prussia's dashing pirate. Someone's gotta do it.

Chapter Playlist:

Him and I - G-Easy and Halsey (Brandenburg and Prussia)