CAILLOU HAS BALL CANCER

ACT II, SCENE I

The Horny Honky, the best Myrtle Beach saloon-turned-cantina-turned-gay bar in the entire tri-county area was known for being in cahoots with the Guinness World Records people. Today, in the great South Carolina city, a bunch of geeky gay beatniks in pink skinny jeans flocked to the bar for a Guinness World Records show devoted to the man with the most massive testicles in the world, Teriyaki Benihana. Benihana is a three-hundred pound man who has appeared in several-hundred hentais, science fiction movies (all strangely about horrible lab mutations), the Japanese version of Space Jam, and a few sex-ed films. Negating the mass of his oysters, Benihana would be half his weight, and his cock is proportional to the rest of his sweet-and-sour body. DAYUM!

As he strutted onto the stage he grinned, and to say there was a ton of money, underwear, and high-tech sex toys thrown onto the stage would be the mother of all understatements. He then bowed, and he signaled to the gaping and crotch-rubbing Guinness World Records people to play intended song. He then bellowed something in Japanese that was so angry, it didn't matter what he was saying. The judges then pressed the "play" button on their remote, and "Uptown Funk" began playing. When the crowd started dancing, Benihana took his massive pants off and started twerking right when the chorus started, but milliseconds later, the sound system malfunctioned. Even though the song stopped, the poor bastard continued to twerk with his back to the audience, and then, people realized that Benihana had only one massive unsexy trait about him.

"Can you fucking hear us? Are you deaf?"

Benihana continued to twerk until one beatnik grabbed a brick and threw it at the his head. Benihana then flopped onto the ground and his body fell on top of his balls. As his body lay supinely on his balls, they deflated like a whoopie cushion filled with expired alfredo sauce and meatballs. The chunky juice trickled down the stage and the smell of curdled monkey jizz engulfed the club. The Guinness World Records people, leaving the club last, were devastated. Who could break Benihana's world record? Who? WHO?!

ACT II, SCENE II

A 15 year old Caillou was pissed. His girlfriend who had been with him for half her life had just dumped him, and he then was arrested because his friend spotted him attacking her with her bone. He beat her with a coathanger because she tried to use his 170 pound testicles as a trampoline, and because there were Beggin Strips remnants on his scrotum. Also, a woman who looked like a cow had a heart attack and fell onto Caillou's cat Gilbert, breaking his spine. Caillou then beat her to death with a dildo.

Caillou now lived in Vermont, where he makes cheese of dubious origin on a farm. Since the cops there were all on the autism spectrum, they have never caught Caillou during his weekly rapefest parties, and even though they attended, they would be roofied and ass-munched into oblivion. He has evaded the law so long. And then, Big Sean's "A$$" started playing on his phone. It seemed as though some fucking retard was trying to call him. It was a cop.

Caillou hung up the phone, but then he looked outside his dairy farm. Lights were flashing everywhere like in an arcade, and he heard an upstairs door shatter. There were myriad helicopters and there was a CNN truck. Caillou then snatched his wallet, grabbed his water gun filled with Caillou's carcinogenic cum laced with the blood of Namibian AIDS victims, and had it at the ready. As the megaphone blared "step outside and surrender. We know it's you, Caillou De Salle!"

Then in seconds flat, Caillou broke the nearest basement window, and-

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The CNN news anchor with massive tit-jobs, five cops, and dogs from the K-9 unit were all writhing in pain, and doing the funky chicken. All of the autistic cops were really mad and started screaming incoherent gibberish while scratching at their multiplying and swelling crimson tumors, and started to bellow more gibberish that sounded like a tape of a demonic kid with Down's Syndrome being played backwards.

"FREEZE! YOU ARE UNDER ARR-"

Caillou dove onto the Chinese lady cop and started to cum inside of her fortune cookie, and then her vagina dilated until after minutes when her vagina swallowed her whole body, and vanished. Also, Caillou had forgotten that there was something else in his gun - bath salts.

The cops and news crew started to rip each other's faces, tits, and dicks off, french kiss people's clit tumors, and as the helicopter came down to try to help, Caillou threw an infected body at the helicopter, and the shot was right between the cheeks. The helicopter lost control, and spun out of control into

Caillou then took a few matches a tub of AIDS, and gasoline. Caillou turned his microwave on with a newspaper in it, and set the microwave up to roast the shit out of the entire farm.

As Caillou exited, there were millions of dead cops, news anchors, and dogs. Unfortunately for the pigs, horses, rabbits, and cows, after three minutes of fire, the fire found its way to the AIDS-infested gasoline. Caillou jumped into the police car as the explosion happened, and he drove away, squirting his cum out the window onto oncoming traffic, with the sky and background morphing into a hellscape full of AIDS infected civilians, rotting authorities, and helicopters. Every news station that was playing Millionaire Matchmaker, Mr. Rogers, Freddy Got Fingered, or some Tom Green movie only a kid with fetal-alcohol syndrome or a bestial mongoloid would watch was now playing Caillou.

As Guinness World Records were watching Caillou zooming down the highway whippin' it out, a grin that most people would think was forced sprouted onto their faces.

"You know what I'm thinking Bobby?"

"What Frank?"

"That fugitive would make a great model for the bar!"

Bobby dropped his Java Chip Starbucks latte. "You're fucked up, dude."