A conversation with The Carnivorous Muffin about what a crossover between A Hairy Business and another fandom, such as Twilight, would look like happened and I'm man enough to write and publish the resulting brainchild.
Introducing Hairy Potter from my fanfiction A Hairy Business (in which Harry Potter is a deer) meets Twilight.
Hairy Potter was clueless.
That in itself was hardly new, as he was a deer and deer don't have the capacity for awareness or memory that is required in order to evaluate a situation. He never had a clue about anything that was going on, beyond whether he was in perceived danger or not and whether there was food within his immediate vicinity or not. This was the hard, biological truth of him.
However, at that very moment he was even more clueless than usual, because only seconds earlier he had been sniffing at some of the instruments in professor Dumbledore's office (not that he knew that the white-haired man's name was Dumbledore, or that he was a professor, or that he was in an office, or what offices, professors and names were, for that matter), before breaking one of them, proving once and for all that letting wild animals roam loose inside and near fragile, precious artefacts is a terrible idea. Someone had shouted something, he'd been pulled into a vortex filled with colors he didn't even know existed swirling before him and the curious sensation of nothingness, not even air, surrounding him, and then he was in the middle of a forest.
Thick, old trees surrounded him as far as his eyes could see, and the moss-covered forest floor was a slick web of roots, rocks and sumps that seemed designed to trip up anyone foolish enough to try running across it. The sun was nowhere to be seen, and the same could be said for any signs of civilization.
Hairy was completely alone, with no sense of where he was or where to go, surrounded by foreign smells and nowhere near home.
Moreover, though he had no way of knowing this, he was in the woodland peripherals of Forks, Washington, and something deadly was near.
Fortunately, this something had not yet noticed him, for the wind had not known until seconds ago that Hairy's scent was there to be sent drifting to whoever was out hunting. He was safe for the moment.
Perhaps, then, he could have had a formidable stroke of luck and stayed alive for long enough for Albus Dumbledore to figure out how to get him back to his own universe, and all would have been well.
Unfortunately, being a deer and being even more out of his element than usual, Hairy did the only thing a deer can do in the face of adversity or even just mildly discomforting situations, and bolted.
The dead, deadly thing noticed him then, for the same reason why you must never move if you've made eye contact with a rabid dog, or if you've chanced to find yourself in the exact of the hurricane and, faster than the human eye can perceive, for much like Hairy it had once been intended to be human but destiny happened and so they both remained what-could-have-beens, it caught up with him.
Edward Cullen took a split second to crouch in front of the soft, red little deer and grin at it with all the savagery and ruthlessness of a triumphant beast in anticipation of this surprise feast. Had his mind not been near consumed by bloodlust he might have lamented the loss of a beautiful pelt, but as it was he had eyes only for Hairy's neck, and the blood pumping underneath it.
In the next instant, before Hairy had really had the time to process that something was now standing front of him and stop running, he'd crashed painfully into the rock-hard creature. Edward who let them fall, turning gracefully in the air to pin the deer to the ground, where he tore into its throat.
Hairy struggled, at first vigorously and then not at all.
Edward straightened a few moments later, eyes alight with bloodlust and already flickering between trees as he scoured for his next prey. He had a date planned the coming weekend with his tasty human girlfriend, and didn't want to be overcome by thirst and eat her.
Hairy's story ended thus, as an empty carcass on the forest floor in Washington and blood in Edward's system enabling the vampire to kiss his girlfriend, and nobody knew or cared.
(Amazingly, embarrassingly, the sudden loss of its beloved mascot caused Wizarding Britain a great fall in morale. It is of course fully possible that Voldemort would have won the war anyway, but it can't be denied that he was greatly boosted by this tragedy, and this painful fact caused Hermione Granger no small amount of bitterness as she and any other surviving Muggle-Borns and blood traitors were forced to flee the country.)