Title: Like Home

Location: Incirlik, Turkey

Date: April 13th 2016

P O V: Jaz Khan

"Raise your glasses fools"

I held my glass up looking towards each of my guys. Joseph Mcg McGuire, Amir Al- Raisani, Ezekiel Preach Carter, Adam "Tops" Dalton. Each one were giving me their own version of glares as they drank from their bottles.

"Fools?" McGuire arched his eyebrow as he addressed me "Have you looked in the mirror kid?"

Hands gently tossed me from all directions. I shock my head swaying to the beat of the music. Taking in the brilliant glow of the moonlight which was so beautiful mixtures of orange, yellow and red. Washing over the Grey/ brown earth tones. I savored the feeling of luck sitting on top of the picnic table; I let the warmth wash over me. Sipping from my beer bottle enjoying the music the laughter of my guys as they each took their turns joking at my expense.

There's a lot for me to be grateful for something I couldn't always say in my life. After our last tour when we almost lost it all. Well I think we all felt a little different about our lives. We all come from different back-rounds, we all have different life stories, each of us have our own reasons for wanting to join the military.

In the end though we all took that scared oath we all promised to serve to protect and honor. No one knows what it takes or costs to give their life to the military except those who actively do it. For some it's a sense of duty honor a way to give thanks to their country who gives so much for them. Some do it for the money because hell if you can make it even twenty years in this life, if you are lucky enough to come home at the end of it all. You can make out with enough to retire early. If you are good at saving that is.

Some do it because they grew up with nothing they weren't good at school didn't excel at sports. They had no real shot at college. They didn't want to be stuck working at a dead end job. Some were on the wrong path and decided to make a change. The military provides structure discipline. Some do it because they watched in horror on September 11th 2001 while Terrorists took claim to our land. Driving two planes into the twin towers destroying two American symbols and murdering over 3,000 of our hard working innocent people. They died horrible painful deaths being trapped inside burning buildings which slowly collapsed over agonizing hours. While the rest of us watched in shock horror disbelief. How could this happen on our land? To our people? Some jumped from the buildings not wanting to be burned alive. They died upon impact of hitting the ground many already on fire.

Regardless of anyone's reasons for joining the fact is when you sign up you give up certain rights, you trade a life of security, stability for traveling never knowing if the last mission will be your last. No one could know what it's really like no matter how many people you talk to, or how many videos you watch. None of us think will die, we know it could happen but humans have this ability to adapt and project.

Last tour hit it home for us first there was my best friend Elijah Jarlath "EJ" Villains who gave the ultimate sacrifice. We entered a building laced with IUD's. We were joking shoving each other we took our eyes off the mission for just a few seconds. Tops kept warning us to stop fooling around he was on the other side with Preach. McGuire was behind us by a few feet making sure no one followed us.

Elijah entered first he never got to get me back for the sarcastic remark I made about his precious hair. He never even saw the pressure plate it went off under his foot. His body flew back with such force into my chest that my gun slipped from my hand going off. I can still taste the gun powder smell the blood as it drained from EJ's body. His eyes closed for the final time only seconds after the explosion his final words to me were. "I owe you"

Next was Tehran, Iran where I made one mistake, I almost cost us the whole mission. We were forced to take risks. I was captured in the midst of killing our target, for three days. I was held at knife point tied to a chair beaten into submission, tortured for information.

Your trained to with stand it at least you think you are. Nothing can ever prepare you for what it's like to be separated from your team. Held by strangers who hate you for simply being who you are standing for what you believe in. The means of torture they used on me have still left their marks. Time can't heal them, nothing can replace those memories.

The sound of the gun going off inches from my ear. I still get ringing occasionally. The smell of my own blood as it drained from my body after I was craved up. Feeling Arthur's hands exploring my body as I was passed out knowing what he wanted to do to me. Hearing his words as he threatened me knowing my own country gave me up. Knowing I was just colloidal damage that the U. S government would sweep under their flag. Their lips would never mention my name when they sit down for Sunday dinners. No news channel would ever call me a hero because I got caught, I failed.

My body would be burned on Foreign soil to cheers from Iranians who viewed me as a threat. I never broke though, not once even when I knew my team would leave without me. That's what protocol would dictate. In a way I was happy at least they would be safe, I could die in peace knowing they were far away. I could never live knowing I cost them their lives.

I was rescued I was one of the lucky ones, my team never gave up on me hell they broke laws to make sure I came home. Changed forever but safe in their arms, in their hearts. I carry those scars with me though; we all do.

Preach came to sit next to me wrapping an arm around my shoulders, laying my head on his. I let his sheer size comfort me. Another reason to feel lucky. We had barely recovered from Iran when Alex Hoffman came into our lives. The ex- partner of our boss Patricia Campbell our deputy director. We needed him to help us save a 16 year old girl who was being held capture. In saving her though we almost lost both Patricia and Preach when Alex rigged an explosive device inside our base he escaped of course but both Patricia and Preach almost died.

Shortly after we started our leave I went on my own to Ireland I needed a break from everything, everyone. I only saw them once at Preach's house for our annual BBQ where I made another choice. Tonight was our first night back of our new tour. I should be on top of the world instead I couldn't stop staring at Tops. He was manning the grill as usual Patton trying to get food by looking cute begging. Ever since Tehran our relationship has changed.

I can't put it into words. I can't pin point how I feel about it, or tell you the precise moment when it dawned on me that he no longer trusted me. I can tell you that it hurts like hell worse than any knife craved into my skin.

Not just because Tops is the only CO who didn't look at me and see a woman first but because he's the only man who looked at me and didn't see a woman and think she's not Superior. Somehow Adam got into my heart which had hardened over the years.

He cracked my chest bones he made me feel things I had never felt about anyone. Adam showed me how to love myself, how to give myself my freely. I never had anyone who gave a damn about me not growing up, not as a woman and not as a solider. With these guys though I learned I was valuable, that my life had meaning.

When Tops went dark after the explosion I learned just how much I needed him wanted him. The fear penetrated me on so many levels. As a woman fear of rejection was always there for me my dad rejected me from birth because I was born a girl. My mom tried to be there but in the end she loved her life as a singer more than she did me. Rejected for the rock star life, I guess that was the ultimate Mic drop of all.

"Let Jaz talk everyone" Smiling tightly at Preach I felt my throat contracting with anxiety like a cat with sharpened claws trying to get your attention. Tops wouldn't even look at me. He was laughing with Amir teasing the damn dog. Anything to avoid my eyes. His own eyes were so beautiful sparkling like the Caribbean sea full of warmth security love and laughter.

What did his silence mean? Was he going to transfer me? Why have me on his team if he didn't trust me. Sweat dripped down my body soaking my tank top my skin was over heated even with the slight breeze of the April air.

Now he was in a sit up contest with McG dear god was he trying to kill me? Those biceps glistened in sweat those nipples shook as his rock hard abs rippled in fierce determination. "I need another drink"

"I'll grab a cold one Jaz"

"No something stronger Amir"

He looked at each one of us as Tops whooped in victory laughing while McG pouted declaring he cheated. Preach held up his hands laughing. "No way Jaz you remember the last time you and Villains did jaggershots"

I laughed recalling the bits and pieces of that night from two and half years ago. Tops was so mad he banned all booze for the rest of the tour. Elijah and I were put on bathroom cleaning duty.Which for a woman and a gay man that was it's own brand of torture.

"What happened I want to know!" Amir whined like a teenage girl color burned my face. "Ever seen that Katy Perry video for TGIF?" Preach asked him Amir nodded eyes going wide covering his mouth laughing as I remembered Elijah waking up naked with just pink feathers over his body.

"Not Jagger shots I'm thinking"

"Flaming Dr. Pepper shots? No way Jaz!"

"Yes way dude this is happening"

I set to work mixing the different alcohol's one advantage of being a team that is suppose to be invisible. We often got to sneak under the radar and import things that other teams had to keep track of. McG was still pouting over his loss.

Turning to him I rolled my eyes hissing "Did you except any less dude look at his biceps" I motioned for him to glance at our Captain who's arms were crossed over his chest. He was throwing some toy for Patton to chase. He barely broke a sweat unlike me I was soaked my face blazing, throat dry.

"Looks like you could sue a strong drink to wash away the stink of loser McG"

"Looks like you could use your own drink Khan for a ninja you sure don't hide your eye orgasms very well when you look at Tops"

More color rushed to my checks quickly my eyes found Tops who was still too far away to hear. Letting out a sigh of gratefulness. I glared at Mcguire, Preach and Amir who were all were sitting on the table close enough to hear. Preach raised an eyebrow stifling a chuckle. Amir patted my back in sympathy. I watched as Tops used one free hand to move his hair away from his eyes he had shaved on leave. His hair was shorter now in back but his bangs were still on the longer side. He reminded me of a Roman or Greek god.

Control Jaz your a grown ass woman a Soldier breathe Jaz just fucking breathe. Once the drinks were ready. I grabbed the lighter everyone scooted back. Tops never drinks anything stronger than beer with us. I guess he feels as the CO it's not his place.

"To America!" I lit the drinks which shot up in a beautiful glaze causing all the guys to oh and ah. We took glasses raising them clicking them together. Each glazing into each other eyes feeling a rush of warmth, love gratefulness. "To the land that made me, the cracks that drive me, the song that inspires me"

In a swish the first shot went down so easily burning just slightly. Tears already burned McGuire's eyes fucking lightweight. I laughed raising my second glass as Preach proposed the next toast. "Here's to our different starts in life our individuals stories. Those who knew us then, to each other the only ones who know the us now"

We clicked glasses he wasn't done though, I couldn't help feel like he was talking directly to Tops and I when he said his next life lesson. "To the connections we make on our journeys even when they seem impossible, the rare the true connections should not be ignored no matter our stories, our circumstances or the promises we made in our past. Life is about living for the little moments the ones that make us laugh, take our breath away, make us tremor in their memories. Or raise our glasses"

"Twenty bucks down saying Jaz can't down six of these in less than a minute"

"Oh your so on McGuire anybody stupid enough to bet against me with this soon to be broke ass Montana boy?"

Preach shock his head holding up his hands laughing. Amir however was eager to lose his money. Slamming down sixty dollars at me. Was he nuts? My eyes found Tops he didn't even look up at me. I guess he didn't care that I was about to get wasted.

"He'll get what he wanted from you girl be sure this is worth the cost" Hannah had warned me at Preach's house. Letting out a sigh I wish I had listened to her warning maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much now.

My heart shattered a little more knowing he really didn't care anymore. How did his trust his respect in me shatter that quickly? Did he ever really have it? Was it all just a lie my mind played on me for years. "Raise your bets sons and raise them glasses bet ya $100 I'll drown eight of these"

To hell with the consequences I needed an escape. I would deal with the aftermath tomorrow. Looking up at the moonlight I said a toast of gratefulness that I was alive and healthy enough to see another Tomorrow.

Maybe Tomorrow I would have the drunken balls to talk to Tops to clear the air. I needed to know once and for all.

A/N Please pay close attention to the dates at the start of each chapter. They will be jumping timelines quite a bit for a few chapters. Thanks to Everyone who followed added me as a Favorite / reviewed any of my stories.