Unrequited

I think I'd like to die.

I wasn't exactly sure of the concept of death or what happens thereafter, however, I craved it more than the cloying feeling of hot chocolate and marshmallows after playing in the snow.

Well-

Not so much playing in the snow, I have not done that for a long time. Just observe.

But I'd like to find it in my heart to play again I suppose,

To indulge in childish things.

One last time.

However, it seems there is not much time left..

The rain will have to suffice.

My hand brushes against the surface of the sliding door,

Clinging to substance for just a moment.

I find myself hesitant,

Faltering almost.

Last time I went outside..

Was for him.

I knew even before we conversed at the ceremony,

And his soft brown eyes met the charcoal color of my own,

That he would be the one,

The one to end it all.

I knew this from the beginning,

Humored him, even.

I never knew I was capable of growing fond of such an individual..

But I suppose we are rather alike.

The door slides,

I feel as if I am incapable of thinking rationally.

It's ironic that my first "friend,"

And possibly more..

Would be the one to end my life achievements.

Ah but who could consider them achievements anyway,

None of this was voluntary from the start.

I am still young,

But there's nothing to live for anymore.

I don't think there ever was.

I never followed the traditional laws of "justice" to begin with.

My feet sting as the hard ground digs into my bare flesh,

It's rather morbid, really,

But the pain does not seem to bother me.

The rain is pounding harder now, as I stand in the middle of the terrace.

My clothes have become drenched, and my hair a mess.

I hear the faint sound of the door sliding,

I know it's him,

But I refuse to look in his direction.

He calls out to me,

But I cannot hear him anymore.

"The bells are very loud today.."

I softly mumble, knowing this will be my last day,

Knowing that this will be his victory.

He talks to me as if he cares..

How crude.

As he offers up his fake kindness,

I voluntarily take it.

Because without him..

I am nothing.

Sad, I know.

Pathetic.

He displays false concern as he offers to dry me off,

I do not oblige when he brings the towel up to caress my feet,

Slow and gentle,

Almost making my heart flutter in my chest.

But I know it is only the cruelest mockery.

I know his plan, and I do not mind.

And later,

When he loomed above me,

With a wicked grin on his face, that only i could see,

Like a cruel "I won" disguised with concern,

I remembered the moments like these..

Because even his false kindness kept me sane.

All the while, knowing that he could never feel the same.

Or maybe he did..

And was just too naive to realize it.