Josh wasn't exactly sure when the feelings started. Maybe they had been there since the beginning, so deep inside his mind that he couldn't reach it. Thinking back on the years, he guessed that his heart had been well aware of his affections, while he consciously wasn't. All of the lingering touches and glances, all the times that they laughed together - had always made his heart flutter. He thought that was just the way happiness felt, how you were supposed to feel around your best friend. Normal.
Josh had never been good at knowing what normal felt like.
Honestly, Josh didn't realize his own feelings until someone finally told him to his face that he was in love with his best friend.
It was Beth who showed him what he should have seen all along. He had just turned seventeen, and found himself incredibly bored one night at his family's home. It wasn't nearly as big as the lodge his parents owned, but it was far larger than any of his friend's homes. He was sat on the black leather couch in the dimly lit living room, sat at the end with Beth at his side and Hannah on the other end. They all had their eyes trained on some bad horror movie that Hannah begged them to watch because she thought the male lead was hot.
Resting his elbow on the arm of the couch, Josh leaned his head on his hand, blinking drowsily as he watched the film. He stifled a yawn as a guy on the screen used a blunt knife to cut his hand out of a bear trap, blood squirting at the screen. He was beginning to nod off, only to be jerked awake by his phone vibrating in his pocket. He reached into his jeans and pulled out the phone, his eyes glinting when he saw Chris's name illuminated on the screen.
Swiping his thumb across the screen, he pulled open the text from Chris. "How's the movie?" it read.
"Boring." Josh typed his reply, "I could make a film ten times better than this."
"I bet you could. You would, like, totally get loads of awards. Scare the pants off tons of hot girls, too." Came Chris's response.
Josh found himself grinning, but not for the thought of hot girls. Chris implying that Josh could win awards for one of his films made his heart beat a little bit faster in his chest. It made his boredom subside as he imagined attending an award show with Chris, and seeing the pride in his eyes when Josh received praise for one of his films.
In the distraction of his fantasy, Josh didn't notice Beth leaning over to peer over his shoulder, reading the text. She raised an eyebrow at Josh, and noticed the faraway look in his eye and the grin on his face. Beside her, Hannah was too engrossed in the film to realize her siblings had turned their attention away, and Beth found herself giving Josh a knowing smile as she guessed what he was thinking.
Josh finally snapped out of his fantasy, still not noticing Beth watching over his shoulder, and eagerly typed his reply. "Lets watch a movie this weekend. Just you and me."
"Sure. Sunday I'm studying for finals in the morning with Ashley, but Saturday will work."
Beth didn't miss the way Josh's smile fell from his face as he read the text. The gleam in his eyes vanished, only to be replaced by a flash of jealousy. She watched as Josh pulled himself up from the couch, muttering something about getting a drink before vanishing into the kitchen through the door.
She quickly leapt up from the couch and followed him, catching the door before it could swing shut all the way. She watched as her brother walked to the pantry and pulled out a glass, which he held with clenched fingers. He stood there for a moment, not making a move towards the sink, and instead turning to the counter island, where he leaned over it, propping his elbows on the tile, and burying his face in his hands. Beth felt her heart twist with sympathy, and wondered if Josh knew why Chris's words were affecting him so badly.
Padding across the kitchen, Beth stopped beside him and put her hand on his shoulder. Josh jumped, as if he'd only just noticed she was there, and looked up at her with a frown on his face. His expression softened when he realized it was her, and let his arms fall from the counter.
"What's wrong, Josh?" Beth asked quietly, scuffling her boots on the tile floor.
Josh shook his head, "I dunno. It's just that… well Chris is spending all of his time with Ashley now." He scoffed angrily before continuing, "'Ashley' this, 'Ashley' that. Ashley, Ashley, Ashley. It's like she's all he thinks about."
Beth gave him a long look, and realized that Josh had no idea Chris's obvious affection for Ashley ruffled him so badly. Sighing, she replied in a steady voice, "You should tell him."
"Tell him what?" Came Josh's sharp reply.
Beth rolled her eyes, sighing in exasperation as she glared at her brother. "You have no idea, do you?" She asked.
Josh turned to face her, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at her in confusion. He didn't know what Beth was trying to say, and he didn't remember having any other conversations like this about Chris. Unless, he did, and forgot. It wouldn't be the first time that Josh had done something that he couldn't remember. Dr. Hill said it was a side effect of the medicine.
But when Beth spoke again, Josh knew they'd never had a conversation like this before. "You're in love with Chris, Josh. You have been for a while."
Opening his mouth to ask her just what the hell she was talking about, Josh found himself at a loss for words. His first instinct was to react in shock, but as her words settled in his mind, something seemed to click inside of him. There was no way he was in love with Chris. Chris was his best friend. A dude, at that. But as Josh thought it over, he realized that it made sense. Why else would his heart flutter every time Chris touched him? Why else did his breath catch in his throat when Chris sent him a text? Why else would he get so angry when Chris spent time with Ashley?
"It's okay, Josh." Beth whispered, giving him a sympathetic look, "I've known for a long time. I just had no idea that you didn't know."
Before Josh could respond, she turned away and walked out of the kitchen and back into the living room, where screams from the television echoed through the doorway. She cast one more knowing look over her shoulder before vanishing through the door, leaving Josh alone in the kitchen.
After that, Josh found himself questioning his relationship with Chris more and more. As soon as the reality set in that Beth was right, that he, Josh Washington, was in love with his best friend, things started changing. He'd ended up cancelling movie plans with Chris, using a headache as an excuse, terrified of what might happen if they were alone.
Things started changing, and Josh wasn't sure he could handle it. Chris's friendly touches used to fill him with exhilaration, but now they overwhelmed him with fear. Every time Chris sent him a text or called him, Josh felt dread drop in his stomach at the thought of talking to his best friend. The boy he was in love with. This wasn't how Josh had pictured love.
He'd always expected love to be something that filled him with happiness and warmth, not terror and dread. He never imagined that his heart would yearn for someone he couldn't have. Loving Chris was like drowning, but no one else could see it. No one else could see the way Josh choked and the way his heart seemed to stop. Every time Josh was with Chris - hell, any time Josh even thought about Chris - he could feel a black wave of fear consume him. Oh yes, everything that Chris did still made his heart pound and brought a smile to his face, but it was accompanied by a sense of terror that made Josh's hair stand on end.
There were so many things that could go wrong. He could never tell Chris, for one thing. Chris wasn't interested in him - he'd probably never even thought of Josh in that way. No, Chris loved Ashley. Chris would always loved Ashley.
Second, Josh wasn't sure what he would do if anyone else ever found out about his feelings. Sure, Beth knew, and she probably told Hannah. But his sisters would never betray him - he could trust them. It was everyone else that scared him.
Josh had never made friends easily. His moodiness, prolonged absences in school when he spent time in the hospital, and general reservedness kept most people away. The only real friend he had was Chris, and everyone else in their friend group only accepted him because he was Hannah and Beth's brother. The others usually ignored Josh when his sisters weren't around, and never seemed to miss him when he was gone. He was sure that if they found out about him, they'd probably despise him. Hannah and Beth were great, but they had terrible taste in friends.
His family was questionable, as well. His mother probably wouldn't mind, she probably even knew. His father, however, wouldn't like it. Josh's father would probably try to beat it out of him. Just like he tried to beat the sickness out of his head.
No. No one could find out. Not even Chris.
For the months following the discovery of his feelings, Josh found himself drifting farther and farther away from Chris. He figured that staying away would diminish his feelings, but it only made him miss Chris even more. He missed the closeness, the way he was ignorant to his own feelings. He wished he could go back to just being Chris's friend. He wished he'd never developed feelings anyway. He wished he was normal.
The stronger Josh's feelings grew, he found it harder to be around Chris. He could no longer make eye contact with his best friend, terrified that Chris's blue eyes would make his heart pound and the words spill from his mouth. He would flinch when Chris would touch him, and found himself ignoring his texts and calls.
Chris started to notice.
He would be talking with Josh between classes, and reach out to pat him on the shoulder, like they always did, and was shocked when Josh flinched away. He noticed that Josh would turn away from him, and the way his eyes were always trained toward the ground. He noticed that Josh never made eye contact with him anymore, and the sadness that seemed to dull his pale eyes.
Chris wondered if it was something that he'd done. He couldn't remember fighting with Josh, or doing anything that might upset him. Chris found himself trying to pull the old Josh back, and would try to talk to him as much as he could, and spend as much time with him as possible.
But it seemed like Josh didn't want to be around him anymore.
Chris would turn to Ashley after Josh ignored his calls and texts, and try to fill the emptiness inside of him by spending time with her. Even their usual study sessions that usually filled him with exhilaration were dull in comparison to his times with Josh. If Ashley noticed his unhappiness, she didn't say anything.
More than anything, Chris wanted his best friend back. He desperately missed the late movie nights they held every weekend, sharing a blanket and a bowl of kettle corn. He missed the way Josh's eyes would light up whenever he talked about the way movies were made and his favorite directors. He missed the way Josh's eyes lit up whenever Chris spoke to him. He missed Josh.
Josh pretended not to care when Chris spent more and more time with Ashley. He pretended that it wasn't agonizing to ignore Chris's calls and texts. When Chris turned up at his house one night, Josh pretended not to be happy. He pretended that Chris's desperation to win him back didn't make his heart flutter with satisfaction.
He stood in the doorway of his parents house, eyes looking anywhere but at Chris. He was the only one at home, and everything was silent, as if they were the only two in the world. The air was cold, and Josh shivered. Of course it was the cold that trailed down his spine like icy fingers. Of course it wasn't the prospect of Chris being only inches away from his grasp.
"Why?" Chris asked, his voice muffled in Josh's ears. Josh felt as though Chris was very far away, and took a slight step back. They stood in silence, only to be broken by Chris's pleading voice, "What did I do, Josh?"
Josh stared at the trees over Chris's shoulder, his face blank as he answered, "Nothing."
Chris shook his head, looking bewildered and hurt. "Nothing? Josh, you haven't spoken to me in weeks! You won't even look at me, for fucks sake!"
The blonde took a step forward, trying to bring himself closer to Josh only to scoff in exasperation when the other boy stepped backwards. "Why, Josh? Please just tell me what I did. I'll fix it!"
He couldn't help it. He felt like his heart was shattering and he might die if he didn't look up and meet Chris's eyes. God. He'd forgotten how much he loved Chris's eyes. The sight of them, after weeks, made him feel as though he could breathe again. His voice was barely more than a whisper as he replied, "Y-you don't understand."
"Understand what?" Chris was angry now, his eyes narrowed as he glared at Josh. "Why are you treating me this way?"
Josh felt his lip quiver, his heart pounding as he flinched at the anger in Chris's voice. He knew that Chris didn't deserve to be treated this way, but he had no other solution. Josh backed away into his house, lowering his gaze and bringing his face to his hands. His voice cracked as he replied, "No, no, no. I'm sorry, Chris. I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
He stumbled farther into the house, feeling his hands shake as he heard Chris step into the house and head towards him. He didn't have time to react before Chris grabbed both of his hands and pulled them away from his face. He expected Chris to still be angry, but he only saw concern in the blonde's blue eyes.
"Josh, please." Chris pleaded, his voice dropping to a whisper, "What happened? Let me help you. I'm your best friend."
I wish you weren't. The thought slipped through Josh's mind before he could stop it, and he felt tears swell in his eyes as he desperately wanted to wail the words that plagued his heart. I love you and I wish I meant more to you than that.
Chris pulled Josh closer, wrapping his arms around the other boy's shoulder. This time, Josh didn't flinch as he let himself sink into Chris's hug, and let the tears fall. He knew this was bad. He shouldn't be allowing himself to do this. It would only lead to more heartbreak. But he couldn't stop himself from melting into Chris's grasp and breathing in his familiar scent. He couldn't stop himself from letting the boy he loved be close to him.
"It's going to be okay, Josh." Chris whispered, pressing the side of his head against Josh's. "I'll help you. You're my best friend. That won't ever change."
As Josh let himself be held by Chris, eyes squeezed tightly shut and tears streaming down his face, he wished it weren't true.