Dear Zachary Goode,
I still haven't forgiven you, you know. Just because I'm writing to you does not mean I'll ever send this to you or give it to you, it just means that I want to talk to you without you ever finding out. Or hearing me speak directly to you, because I am giving you the silent treatment.
Why were you so stupid? Macey and Bex and Liz said that you were quote "undeserving" of me after what you did. But I... Honestly I feel like I should be thanking you. For showing me indirectly how worthless I am. How ugly I am.
How stupid I am for still being in love with you.
Yeah. I do still love you. But I'm stupid for thinking you love me back. Or that you ever loved me in the first place.
There was something else Catherine told me. Something that I hadn't told anyone about. Before I left, she told me about you. How she was using you. How she was already manipulating you and you didn't even realize it. Not even the best spies in the world noticed that we were all being manipulated.
You know how I found you that night in some random girls' bed? I owe your mother. She traded your secrets for mine. I told her what it took to make me crack, because when you love someone, even when you're spies, you shouldn't keep secrets from them. She has me now, Zach. She has me under her control. She's not dead, she's been using me.
I'm a pawn in the silent war of spy versus spy. Because of you.
So if I go MIA, it's because I need to find her. And thank her. And find you.
And kill you.
Because after all, that's what assassins do best, right? You would know.
But you also know that I don't have the potential to kill you. Because you know I still care. Because you know I still love you. Because you know I've never stopped.
Sincerely,
Cameron Ann Morgan
..
It had been five years since Cammie went MIA. I knew it was all my fault, and I was dying inside because it was my fault. I would only ever leave my room to search for her. I would spend days on cars, trains, buses, and planes just looking. For her. And when I came back to my apartment, I would barely be able to lock the door before collapsing on the couch in exhaustion. I would cry myself to sleep. I would cry.
And when I cried, I would silently talk to her in my head, begging her to come back. I was falling apart without Cammie. I needed her because she knew me and I knew she needed me too and if we didn't have each other then we were dying.
And then, I would wake up two hours later and start all over again. I needed Cammie, I needed to know she was at least safe, but I had to see her and touch her and know.
Much like when Joe was on the run and Cammie was in danger.
A letter arrived in my mail, with no sender address. The mail lady handed it to me, her blue eyes briefly reminding me of Cammie. My hands shook as I opened the letter.
I hated myself. I cheated on her, I didn't deserve these letters- but they were to me.
I nodded when she said that I was stupid, because I was. But when I noticed a small blot by the words "Still being in love with you," I couldn't tell if it was one of Cammie's dried tears or my own.
And she's a pawn. I hate Catherine for persuading her to give all her secrets. But Cammie was right. I would do the same if the one person I had ever loved was keeping secrets from me.
I wish you knew, Gallagher Girl. I wish you knew I love you too. I always have. I've never stopped.
Cammie is the strongest person I know. But I do know that if you know what her secrets are, she will break and fall apart from the inside out. If you used her secrets against her, she would fall under your command and do whatever you wanted to do to her as long as you helped her ease the pain in the end.
My mother was breaking Cammie, decaying her fragile state.
Why was I so stupid? I should've been there for her, not cheated, been her rock.
Cammie's been careful to love. Her dad was MIA, later KIA. She loved him. She only liked Josh, because he was a civilian and she was a spy. She loved all her friends and family. But we each had done something to betray her trust.
She did still love me. But she might not trust anyone ever again, if she ever came back.
When she comes back.
She had to come back. For her family. For her friends.
For me.
..
Dear Cammie,
Gallagher Girl.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
-Zach
..
Zach didn't always notice everything. He didn't notice that I was the mail woman who had handed him the letter.
He looked so exhausted. He had huge bags under his eyes, his posture was horrible, and his walk was slow and sluggish. His green eyes weren't as bright as they were anymore, you could see that they were tinged with black and darkness. And he wouldn't smile or smirk, that smirk I had grown to love.
The man I love was the raggedy man standing in front of me, in a crumpled white shirt and old jeans.
Had I done this? Had I broken Zachary Goode? And if I did...
Should I feel guilty?
I wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him to death. I wanted to be with him forever in that moment. I wanted to be able to trust him.
But could I trust him?
I whispered his name once he stepped back into his apartment.
Zach...
..
"Agent Matthew Andrew Morgan has officially been declared KIA. They found the remnants of his body in Europe."
I had heard those words years ago. Now I was worried that Cammie's name would replace her father's.
The words terrified me. The feeling they gave me from reading them or hearing them gave me chills.
"Agent Cameron Ann Morgan has been officially declared KIA."
My nightmares usually promised to never come true. But from a professional point of view, I knew that that was the most likely outcome. Cammie's death. But from Zachary Goode's point of view, Cameron Ann Morgan's boyfriend, I knew that she was the Chameleon. She could only be found when she wanted to be.
The only question now would be if she would let me find her.
You've got to, Cam. You've got to let me find you. You know why.
Because I love you.
..
This story is part of my new five part series, How to: The Heart. Basically, it features one shots from each of the four main Gallagher Girls and their love interest in the story sending letters to each other. The final fifth part will be titled How to Heal a Heart, in which I combine all four to make a solution. I hope you guys will like this new thing I'm trying out, and it will either be in five chapters, four chapters and a new story, or five completely different stories. Please review and let me know how you would like me to do it!
Also, RFRF (Read, Follow, Review, Favorite)!
Thanks!
-Mia
Oh, and thanks to the guest who reviewed on Imperfect for this story title! Love ya!