This is my first ever fanfic so be please be kind!
It's set during the first season, just after Jax has given Tara a ride home from the hospital and she tells him she's being followed by Kohn. I always wondered what happened between Jax and Tara after Jax had damaged Kohn's car, so here's my version of events...
PS - any feedback is greatly appreciated!
She paced her living room, ignoring the cold sweat that trickled down her back. Tara knew that Jax could handle himself, she had seen him in a number of fights, even if it was over ten years ago in the school fields. She knew all too well the slight and quick flicker in his eyes when someone crossed the line with him, the moment when they had gone from slightly annoying him to totally pissing him off. She knew that when he had that look, God needed to help whoever was on the receiving end of his aggression.
She had seen that look in his eyes just moments ago.
The sharp, loud knock at her front door made her jump. She hesitated for a moment, not wanting to open it in case it was Joshua. 'Tara, it's me' She sighed in relief as she heard Jax's voice.
Practically running to the door she quickly opened it. Seeing his familiar frame leaning in her doorway brought back old but familiar memories. She quickly looked him up and down, the surgeon in her taking over. 'Are you okay? '
Jax took her in for a few moment. She looked petrified, her fingertips lightly resting on her mouth as she asked about his welfare, her big green eyes assessing his body for injuries. He had a sudden urge to take her in his arms, whisper that she was safe now, that he'd never let that piece of shit near her again. You can't do that man. She's not yours anymore he thought. He pushed himself away from the doorframe and walked into her living room. Chastising himself for his weakness he sniggered at her concern 'Yeah. I'm fine'
Once inside she checked his face again for any signs of injury, when she was satisfied that he was okay her eyes settled on his. He looked pissed but his face was full of questions. He held her gaze for a few brief moments before asking 'This guy must've really messed you up Tara, because I've never seen you so scared'
Tara wiped her palms on her jeans, when did they get so sweaty? Jax noticed the innocent gesture and again his eyes found hers. He stuffed his hands into his pockets, frightened that he may reach out and shake her, desperate for the answers to questions that he didn't really want to know the answers to. She was with someone else, someone else has touched her. Jax hoped that she hadn't seen him flinch as these thoughts entered his mind.
'Look, I'm not leaving here until I know what that guy did to you' Tara bit her bottom lip and broke away from his cold stare, moving towards the sofa. 'It's one of two things. Either he's got something on you Tara or he did something to you' Jax knew instantly which option it was. He watched as Tara looked up at him with a tense, nervous glance, saw her swallow and gulp down. Her eyes frantically searching the room for something to focus on. It was then that he remembered her words, remembered the rage he had felt when she had confided in him '...it got violent, I tried to end it, he started stalking me' He saw how nervous she was and without hesitation he knelt down to where she now sat. With one hand he reached for her chin and gently positioned it so her eyes had no other option but to look into his. After all these years it was a gesture that felt so familiar, so comfortable. Concern etched his face. Understanding that she was frightened he softened his tone 'You gotta tell me Tara. What the hell did this guy do to you?'
He watched her relax slightly, knowing that she could unload her burden, that she could finally feel safe.
She slowly exhaled, not realising that she had been holding her breath. Looking into Jax's crystal blue eyes she felt suddenly calmer. At this moment she was reminded of the sixteen year old Jax that she would cry to when she had been on the receiving end of one of her dad's binges, the boy that would hold her for hours on end whilst she sobbed. God, how she wished she could travel back to those days, to when he would wrap his arms around her like he would never let go. She teared herself away from those thoughts and slowly inhaled, her lungs desperate for oxygen 'His name is Joshua. He's an ATF agent that I was seeing in Chicago' Jax smirked slightly at the irony. He remembered the girl who had willingly given him her virginity on a hot summer's night fourteen years ago, the same girl who quietly confided in him now. Only now that girl was a woman, a woman who seemed more than willing to jump into bed with an ATF agent. Talk about the two opposite ends of the fucking spectrum. The thought made Jax wince again slightly, he felt the bile creep up his gullet, burning the back of his throat. The thought of Tara with another man made him want to wretch.
As if reading his mind Tara reached for his kutte, pulling him slightly closer, wanting him to look her in the eye again. Somehow Jax couldn't meet her gaze. 'It was only for a couple of months. Things started off fine, he was charming, funny' Jax pulled away, he didn't like the way she had smiled slightly when she spoke about this guys attributes. 'And then things got nasty. He got possessive, became convinced that I was cheating on him. He'd follow me to work, bang on my door at three in the morning just to make sure that I was sleeping alone'
Tara's eyes found Jax's and she felt like she had to explain. She felt like she had to apologise almost, suddenly feeling guilty about her relationship with Joshua. 'You see, he saw the crow on my back, he became obsessed with talking about it until he found out the truth. When I told him about you...about us' For a brief moment she made eye contact with Jax and a blush filled her cheeks, a gesture that wasn't lost on him. She still thinks about us, he thought, and she likes having those thoughts. 'He started getting violent. He slapped me across the face when I told him that the crow was a sign that I was your Old Lady.' She smirked slightly at the memory, trying to disguise the feeling of shame 'Biker whore' I think was his favourite nickname for me'
Jax quickly got to his feet and paced the room, rage filling every part of his body. This ATF bastard had hurt her, raised his hand and slapped her across the face, and probably more than once, Jax thought. He felt an uncontrollable frenzy build inside him, he felt the need to hit something repeatedly, that thing preferably being that guys face. He'd let that bastard walk away just moments ago and Jax realised that it shouldn't have been Kohn's car he leaked fluid from, it should have been his jugular. She watched as he struggled to quash his anger, saw the tightening of his jaw, the clenching of his fists. 'Son of a bitch' she heard him mutter. She hated seeing him like this but felt humbled by his loyalty to her, however much they'd hurt each other, he still cared for her on some level. But he wants all the truth, she thought.
'There's more Jax' Jax stopped pacing and stared at her, inhaling deeply, not sure if he wanted anymore information. Tara felt a tightening in her throat as she continued to tell him 'I found out I was pregnant'
Jax's heart stopped, physically stopped. The bile rose again in his throat, unwanted images of this guy and Tara conceiving a child. He stared down at her and it was her turn to look away now, choosing to gaze into her lap. She looked ashamed. She had been pregnant. But it wasn't mine. He turned away from her, not wanting her to see his face contort with heartache. He remained that way while she continued.
'I couldn't raise a baby with him as the father. Christ knows that my dad liked to knock me about, I wasn't going to let that happen with a child of mine. So I had an abortion. He found out somehow and flipped. I ended up in hospital with a broken rib'
Jax gasped and raised his hands to his head. He was going to kill this asshole. Tara stood but gave him a moment, wanting to reach out to him and tell him she was ok now but resisted, knowing that he would probably pull away from her again 'Two days later I got the call to say my dad was dead. By that time I had already accepted the job at St Thomas'
Jax now stood facing her shaking his head, biting his lip so hard that he could feel the metallic taste of blood warm his tongue. 'Jesus Christ, Tara. Why didn't you just call me?' He looked pissed again.
Tara snorted out a weak laugh 'What was I supposed to do, Jax? Ring you up after ten years, after breaking both our hearts, and just say what? 'Oh I'm sorry to have crushed you all those years ago but I've got a little boyfriend problem that I need some help with'?!' Her tone had been angrier than she intended and she looked away, wanting to avoid his fixing stare. Maybe she had been too proud but she knew that she couldn't have asked Jax to fight her battles for her after she had walked out on them.
Unwillingly he admired her honestly and the fact that she had wanted to deal with the situation herself, reminding him of the strong willed girl who had left him all those years ago. But the idea of her being with another guy and him hurting her made his blood boil. Composing himself he shook his head, and slowly licked his lips 'You know I would've helped you in any way that I could have. Shit Tara, we spent every day together for three goddamn years, knew every sordid detail about each other, we got each other through the worst times of our lives. Yeah, as much as I was heartbroken, I would've still gotten on the first flight to Chicago and smashed this guy's face in. You know that'
His steely gaze broke her heart. She felt an ache in her chest that felt like it was suffocating her. His blue eyes gazed fiercely into her green and she saw the man that she had left a little over ten years ago. His eyes burned fiercely, the sight both excited and scared her. She couldn't tell what was on his mind, how he felt about her now. Was it lust, anger, betrayal? A nervous tension filled the space between them. She watched as his eyes moved lower, scanning the body that had not been his property for over a decade. As his gaze took in her figure she noticed that his tongue slowly moistened his lips in an unintentional gesture. She suddenly felt as if she were standing naked in front of him, a self conscious blush crept up her neck and into her cheeks, indicating her discomfort.
He watched as the crimson rose from her chest and settled into her porcelain cheeks. It made him realise, somewhat smugly, that she had also felt the tension between them. He watched her squirm a little, knowing that she felt self conscious. Did he ever make you feel this way, just by looking at you? Jax thought. He didn't want to tar the moment with thoughts of that bastard Kohn but he pretty much knew that the chemistry that he and Tara had once had was unparalleled. And the chemistry that they still had, or so it felt. His gaze met hers again, knowing that the silence between them was killing her but he also knew that some part of her loved having him gaze over her body and make her feel wanted. And he wanted her badly. Do you feel this? This is how it always felt between us.
Still staring into the green abyss of her eyes and hearing her breaths rhythmically leave her body he cast his mind back to the summer night when he had stolen her virginity. She had just turned sixteen and they had rode out to Pointers Creek which had been their getaway from all things associated with the club and broken families. They had come to this place since they were able to walk, where Jax had often terrified a young and vulnerable Tara with ghost stories, chased her through the woods and once he had caught her stopped her protests with kisses. He had once, as a nine year old, got down on one knee and asked her to marry him there, to which she had instantly agreed 'I think we will get married one day. And then after the wedding we'll get on the back of your Harley and ride to Florida, where we'll become rich and I'll give you three babies' She had been so forthright in her explanation that Jax believed her, convinced that one day it could happen. Even as a nine year old he knew that he would happily surrender to a life with Tara by his side.
With many great memories Jax had brought her to that haven after she had a particularly rough encounter with her dad. He sat down with her on a tartan blanket that he had stolen from Gemma's bedroom and together they gazed up at the stars that twinkled above them. They had been dating for about four months; their passion for each other had so far been shown through copious amounts of heavy petting. Jax didn't want to push Tara in to anything she wasn't comfortable with, knowing that she wasn't just some crow eater that was willing to open her legs for him. This was the woman that he would spend the rest of his life loving. If and when the time did come he would be her first. She had nervously informed him of that during a heated make out session in his bedroom. He had pretty much guessed, he had silently acknowledged her inexperience but he felt a strange pride that this beautiful girl had kept herself pure, even if most of the year group had had a silent crush on Tara Knowles. These infatuations had been totally lost on her; she continued to be oblivious to the hungry adolescent stares from the boys at school, apart from his. His stare made her feel wanted and that wasn't a feeling she was familiar with. Tara, however, was well aware that she wouldn't be his first. Jax Teller had a lot of experience with the female anatomy, with many different women, but she had believed him when he told her that he wanted her to be his last.
'There's my dad' Tara followed Jax's gaze to the North Star and smiled, snuggling deeper into his shoulder. 'I think that might be my mom' Jax smiled up at the stars that looked down on them, the only witnesses to their teenage love. 'Maybe it's both of them. And Thomas too' Tara kissed his shoulder, touched by his endearment. To the club Jax Teller was the bad ass biker boy, one day destined to be the clubs president, but to her he allowed himself to be vulnerable, which was one of the many reasons that she loved him. He shifted his gaze so that he looked into her eyes and noticed the swelling of her cheekbone, a mark that her dad had put there just hours before. A rage bubbled up inside of him but he gently caressed her bruised cheek 'I love you Tara' he whispered.
Suddenly she lunged for his lips. He was taken aback by her passion but accepted it with vigour. Their hands were exploring each other, parts that were becoming more and more familiar to them both, but no less desirable. She tugged at his white t-shirt, eager to caress the naked flesh that was underneath. She had noticed that Jax Teller's body was becoming more defined, his abs were becoming harder and more distinct, his chest broader. He happily obliged, Jax was never shy to show off his body. She straddled him and his hands made their way up her thighs, savouring the touch of her silky skin. Breaking off the kiss she put her hands on his chest and gazed down at him, the moonlight shining down on him. 'Love me Jax'
He froze, not because he didn't want to, he had wanted this moment with every fibre in his being, but because now the time had come he desperately didn't want to fuck it up. His eyes urgently searched hers 'Are you sure?' She nodded and leaned down to kiss him slowly and deeply. She had never been as sure of anything. He slowly rolled her over, continuing to entwine his tongue with hers. He took his time in unbuttoning the blue dress that she was wearing, trying to ignore the fact that his hands were shaking, and eventually exposed the matching white lace bra and panties that she wore. He took a sharp intake of breath. Do NOT fuck this up Teller he told himself. With the others in his past he hadn't cared, just notches on the bedpost, a chance to chase demons away. But she's different, she matters. He couldn't remember being this nervous losing his own virginity but now felt an unusual pressure that he wasn't used to. He looked at her again, convinced that she would stop him, tell him that she wasn't ready after all, but she smiled up at him, her hands caressing his face and pushing his blonde locks away so that they didn't obstruct his view. As he bent down to kiss her he reached around to expertly unclasp her bra, exposing her to him. He smiled softly; he knew he had never felt this way about anyone before. He saw a crimson blush creep from her chest and into her cheeks, he could feel her burning hot flesh underneath his lips and the quickening of her pulse as his tongue rested there for a few brief seconds.
His lips made their way down to her breasts, his tongue caressing each nipple until they had formed into hardened peaks. His caresses and kisses continued down her body. His fingertips slowly caressed the elastic of her panties. He took a moment and looked up at her. As if feeling his insecurity she raised her hips and pulled them off for him, reassuring him that this was what she wanted. He stared down at her now naked body and he knew it was a sight that he would never tire of. This was the body that would have him writhe in ecstasy, that would fill his dreams when they were apart, that would curl up beside him in bed in a house that they will one day own, the body that would nurture and produce the children that they had talked about, his babies. He smiled at the thought of their life together. He kissed up the inside of her leg and slowly his lips found the small tuft of hair that nestled between her legs. His tongue expertly found the place that he knew would have her squirming in bliss in a matter of minutes. He smiled as he heard her breathes become quicker and more shallow, as her hips began to rhythmically move against his tongue in order to urge on the orgasm that she now so desperately needed. Moments later, as she reached her climax, he felt her fingers through his hair and heard her cry out his name. After giving her a few moments to recover he positioned himself in between her legs, and unbuttoned his flies. He looked down at her, her chest still heaving, trying to gulp in air after her orgasm. He caressed her face, sweeping her mahogany hair off her sweating brow.
'Tara, are you sure? I don't mind waiti-'
She cut him off by pulling him down towards her and kissing his lips, lips that were still wet with her orgasm. 'Love me, Jackson' she whispered against his mouth. He smiled and manoeuvred himself so that he was in the right position, his hands gently moving her legs further apart. As he slowly entered her he watched her face, watched as she took in a rapid breath, her body adjusting to his as he entered. He groaned as he felt her warm flesh encompass him but quickly stopped when he heard a small yelp come from Tara. He looked down at her, full of concern 'Oh baby, I'm sorry. Do you want me to stop?' She slowly shook her head, her hands reaching for his hips, urging him to continue deeper. He gladly, but cautiously, did as she requested, noticing her bite her lip as he gently broke through her seal, finally making her his. He kissed her deeply, his instincts overwhelming him as he slowly thrust in and out of her. His hands caressed and fondled, his lips whispering words of eternal love, hers reciprocating them. He made her reach a climax and as her orgasm penetrated through her body he couldn't help calling out her name as he reached his.
Jax shook his head, shaking away those precious memories from fourteen years ago. He felt his body start to react to his thoughts of him and Tara on that night, felt the tightening form within his jeans. He looked away from Tara, now ignoring the tempting blush that was still present in her cheeks. His mother's words rang in his ears 'She crushed you Jax' And she had, he had been completely heartbroken when she had left. 'There's more to life than being and Old Lady' She had told him when she left. I'm not what she wants or what she needs he told himself.
He took one final glance at Tara. 'I gotta go. Make sure you lock the door behind me. Any problems you've got my cell' He noticed her confused expression, saw the crimson start to fade. He opened her front door and walked out and away from the only woman he had ever loved.
You can't go through that again Jax, he told himself. You can't love her and lose her again. You wouldn't survive it this time.