Everything I Never Knew I Could Ever Have
This fanfiction is based on the events of the movie Love, Simon, not the novel it was based on.
Chapter 1- Wrong Things
He knew he had done the wrong thing, and truly hated himself for it. The lights of the Ferris Wheel seemed to blur, and the din of the park faded into smaller white noises. He felt slightly disconnected from his body, his gaze locked on Simon as he stood up, shoulders hunched, and walked away from the Ferris Wheel. His last ride had just concluded. His friends rushed forward and hid him from view. Bram took a step forward still feeling dazed and numb, his gaze zeroing in. A disconnected part of his brain wondered if he was having a panic attack. He saw Abby hug Simon. Simon was standing up straight and Bram could tell that he was composed. But he couldn't see his face. He let go of Abby and shook his head in a weary motion. Leah reached out to him, but he took a step back. Simon made a goodbye gesture and drifted back to the shadow behind the Ferris Wheel, a dark contrast to the festival lights that had just lit him up.
His friends stood still watching him. Then Nick led them away. Simon obviously wanted to be alone. But Bram didn't. He felt more at ease when Simon was in his sight or in the same room and didn't like to be parted from him. The horror that had played out after the online reveal scared him silly, like a brutal slap across the face. But it didn't make him stop loving Simon. Disconnecting the email left him feeling like he had disconnected part of himself. Instantly he felt hollowed out and completely regretted it. Unwillingly, he pictured Simon breaking down after he saw his abandonment, none if his emails going through. And the image hurt him, an aching pain. But fear trumped regret in that moment. Since then he felt grief and pain over what he did to Simon; abandoning him when he needed him most.
These past weeks he suffered silently, internalizing his emotions as he watched Simon get bullied. After the cafeteria scene he fled to the bathroom and threw up. He never felt so sorry in his life. He wasn't protecting the man he loved. Tonight was worse. Because the torment on Simon's face while he sat on the Ferris Wheel was so much deeper than all those moments. Like someone had died. And in a way in Simon's mind, Blue did die tonight along with his hope. Bram felt stricken, watching the scene play out from the crowd. He just couldn't step out there in front of everyone, on display for the world. He just wasn't brave enough. The people who had organized themselves to watch we're starting to disperse. When it was cleared out, Bram quickly made his numb feet follow Simon. He tried to look normal. Keeping the anguish off his face.
There were bleachers behind the Ferris Wheel where people could sit and eat fair food. With a staggering feeling of relief, he found Simon again. He was sitting up in the bleachers in the middle section. Bram didn't know what he was going to do next but moved slowly, like a sleepwalker. He got closer hidden by the shadows. He decided to casually sit and then pretend to notice Simon. But after a moment he stopped as he could hear other sounds, now that he was separated from the fair. He couldn't place it at first, a snuffling. He saw Simon sitting with his head in his hands. He shoulders shook and Bram realized he was crying, openly and relatively hard. He'd never seen another male student cry. None of his crushes or friends. His own eyes teared up as he felt a pain like a serrated knife in his stomach. Simon, Jacques, was weeping. Here at an amusement park where anyone could find him. It broke his heart in a way that hadn't seemed possible before. His own breath hitched as he heard a muffled sob. His mouth was dry, and he had a frog in his throat. All he wanted to do was console him. Feel his warm touch, kiss him, and protect him from this horrible pain; of imagining he lost a loved one.
He almost turned around. He barely held composure. How could he pretend to just be a casual friend if he started crying? But Simon's pain was too much. He could end it. He would.
.