Breathe Me
Summary: He turns back to the broken man before him, facing the prospect of raising a child conceived in rape. The question echoes…if it were him, could he do it?
Author's Note: A little AUish add-on to the episode "Confrontation." I instantly thought of Olivia when Mr. Carlyle asked Elliot if he could raise a child of rape…and I think Elliot did too. This also has some Danni/Elliot interaction...I wrote this right after "Confrontation" so I was going with the extreme idea of what could happen with them (I've been getting up the nerve to post it). Anyway…hope you like, let me know if there is anything I can change, and reviews are most appreciated. Also, I was inspired a bit by the song "Breathe Me" by Sia!
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, unfortunately……
The words claw at his throat, but he doesn't allow them to escape. These are words that could destroy him if he lets them go, so he doesn't. He keeps them tucked inside the broken pieces of his heart.
Danni wonders if he's thinking of Olivia, his precious, perfect Olivia. She can see the look in his eyes, a sort of longing, a pain, and then the nothing, a slamming door.
Elliot walks away, thinking of things he's tried to stop thinking of these past few months.
He doesn't get far because her face, her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her compassion, her grace, her love…it all crashes into him at once and he thinks that he'd rather be dead than never have known these things.
He turns back to the broken man before him, facing the prospect of raising a child conceived in rape. The question echoes…if it was him, could he do it?
"It's a girl. She's having a little girl," Elliot says, his voice scratchy.
Mr. Carlyle says nothing, just nods his head.
"Think of who she could grow up to be. Think of all the things she could do."
"Could you do it, Detective?" Carlyle asks again.
"I don't know," he says sighing softly, "I know that if you let yourself love this child that she'll grow up happy with two loving parents. I know that if you make your wife give her up, she's going to wind up hating you. I know that just because your wife's little girl was conceived in rape, she is not to blame. That child growing inside your wife is innocent, she can't choose why she was born… but she can choose who she becomes."
Carlyle swallows, and Elliot has to take a breath, gather the thoughts that swim in his head.
He knows he must get these words out, knows that if she were here, she'd want him to save the unborn little girl. He looks at Mr. Carlyle, and says, "I know a woman who was born from a rape; she grew up with an alcoholic and depressed mother and no father. Since the day she was born, she's been fighting to not become the monster that created her."
He pictures her face in his mind, thinking that it's been far too long since he looked at the real thing. Carlyle nods, and Elliot lets the words fall from his lips, silent prayers that she is listening somewhere.
"She's never realized that she is nothing like the man who raped her mother, she's always felt like she has to prove she's worthy of being alive. And, god, she is. She's beautiful and funny, and when she smiles at you," his voice hitches a bit, "its like the sun's been turned on and you'd give anything for that smile. She's tough and she's brave, she's scared and she's fragile. She's passionate and intense, she's playful and fun. And, when she lets you inside her heart, it's….god, it's like you were born to be with her, like God only made you so you could know her."
He has to stop, has to just breathe because he can't sometimes. He misses her so much that he forgets to take a breath, so much it hurts.
"I know it's awful. I'd give anything to change her past because it hurts her so much, but I can only think that if her past was different, then she wouldn't be the woman she is today… and it's that woman that I can't live without. Your daughter is going to be someone's whole world one day. Please don't blame her for things she can't change."
Carlyle is again speechless and so are most of the people who have stopped talking to listen to Elliot.
He doesn't care that he's basically admitted his love for Olivia, doesn't care that this could make things difficult for them, doesn't care about anything but seeing her again, god, he misses her.
He walks away then, to full of words and longing for a woman he can't have.
Danni knows she should leave him alone, knows that he doesn't need her to intrude, but she can't help it.
She finds him in O'Malley with a beer, a shot of whiskey and a necklace-it's a tiny cross. He simply stares at it, she's sure that it belongs to Olivia. He says nothing as she sits beside him and they silently get drunk together. They don't speak for a while, and when they do, it's not about anything important…just meaningless small talk.
The bartender tells them they've had enough and sends them on their way. They wait outside in the rain, and when he kisses her, she pretends that he's not thinking of another woman.
He almost gives the taxi driver the wrong address, remembering at the last moment he no longer lives in Queens, but in a sad Manhattan apartment. Danni doesn't notice his slip up and she reaches for him to steal lustful kisses and heated touches in the back.
They manage to make it to his apartment, removing clothing as they stumble to his bed. Elliot says her name, the wrong one, against Danni's neck as he moves inside of her, pressing her to the mattress. She pretends not to hear…knowing she should feel hurt and betrayed, but it only stings a bit. She'd be a fool to think he didn't want someone else in his arms.
They lay together for a few minutes, side by side, not touching. Its funny, they both try so hard to not touch in the aftermath when in the storm of passion, they couldn't get enough. He gets up and goes to the shower, sobriety catching up to him, leaving her to alone, her mind running a million miles an hour.
She dresses while he's in the shower, wanting to leave as quickly as possible. It took five seconds after her orgasm for her to realize it was all a mistake, hell, after he kissed her she knew it was going to be a mistake. She's almost out the door when the phone rings. She doesn't know what compels her to wait, but she does, wanting to know who it is on the line.
She has never heard Olivia's voice, but the soft "hey, it's me," is all it takes to know it's her. Danni is engrossed by her voice, the way it wavers as she tells Elliot she's sorry and that she wants things to be okay again, the way she says she misses him, the way she says she loves him and the soft sigh as she says goodbye and hangs up.
She doesn't notice that the shower has stopped nor does she hear his footsteps as he stands in the doorway to his bedroom, listening to his former partner's voice on his machine. He goes to the phone, unable to look at Danni, his mistake, when hearing Olivia tell him she loves him.
They both listen to the message again, silence creeping in all around them. He finally looks at her, his eyes telling her all she needs to know. She was a substitute for a woman that nobody could hope to measure up to. He wants to apologize for taking advantage of her, but he can't because she knew he was vulnerable, knew that case hit too damn close to home for him, knew his entire being belonged to another woman.
He stays silent as she grabs her coat and leaves. They both mutter goodbyes, realizing that she won't be back to work tomorrow, knowing it will never go past this one night.
He sinks to the couch, terrified to call Olivia yet aching to hear her voice again. He wonders if he will tell her about Danni, about the Carlyle's and their unborn daughter. He doesn't know what he'll say, but god, he needs her back and this time it's going to be forever.