Author: Cassandra West
Rating: R
Summary: Before his manifestation, Jono fathered two children. This is his explanation and musings to those children as infants why he cannot be in their lives. No, the tempo doesn't fit a lullaby, but that was the original idea he was playing with and he got a little carried away emotionally.
Acknowledgements: My dear brother Star and wonderful brother-in-love Mick made this immeasurably better by cleaning up my wording in places and contributing their musical knowledge to keep it from wandering all over the place. They made a song out of my odd scratchings.
Watch you sleeping and I wonder what will come
Can I leave you, darling daughter, favoured son?
Will you hate me… or will you understand
How much I dread turning into that man?
Id give my soul to be the father you deserve
I'd give my heart to know you'll never hurt.
Such a cold night I spent looking for a friend
To drive away dark dreams that never seem to end.
She helped me leave behind the demons of the past
And accident'ly made two treasures that will last.
Abuse and pain have scarred me deep so bad
I do not know how to earn the name of dad.
I will not be the false father that I know.
I'm full of love for you I don't know how to show.
I want to give you all the things I never had
But I can't promise that you'll never fear my hand.
I show with money all what you mean to me:
Bank accounts, a coward's guarantee.
I know this way I'll never teach you fear
Bright dreams so big, they'll shatter if I'm near.
Abuse and pain have scarred me deep so bad
I do not know how to earn the name of dad.
BRIDGE - CHANGE RYTHM
My father never gave me a single tender look
A kind word would have been a red day for the books.
They say you deserve more than papers quickly signed
They do not see the horrors lurking in my mind.
They say you're bastards
Abandoned 'cause I never cared
But if they're right, then why am I so scared?
BRIDGE – CHANGE RYTHM
A father's hands were never meant to hurt
Hot days should never see long too warm shirts.
Wish I could always guarantee your health
Instead I offer only my cold meagre wealth.
Awful contradictions of my endless father's love
Run away to free from hurt my hearts' two shining doves.
Uncle Jon is good, he is by far the safest bet
If you call me father, then pain all you'll get?
Abuse and pain have scarred me deep so bad
I do not know how to earn the name of dad.
I would give my life and every dream to keep you safe
Don't want you to feel for me the slightest fear or hate.
You're so precious that I wish no danger could come near
But I know that is the route to anger and to fear.
Want to wrap you up in layers of cotton wool
If I did I know i'd be seven kinds of fool.
You'd run from the protection that I long to give
Only way I know,'cause I can't teach you how to live.
May never be your father in any way that counts
Please know I hold for you love in untold amounts.
BRIDGE – CHANGE RYTHMS
If you need me, go ahead and ask
For you I'd face any fearful task.
Never want to be the star in many dreadful dreams
I would rather hold you and hide you from all screams.
Warm, safe arms to drive away the scares
Always know you have someone who cares.
Please know this, my darling dearest children
I love you far too much to become your burden.
A father's love I never learned to give
Pray that you know joy as long as you may live.
I hope someday that you might understand
The love that caused the hated bastard brand.
Please know I love you too much to be near
You're better fatherless, than living in fear.