"Hey," Derek greeted as she stepped into the trailer a few hours after his shift was over. "Look what I got," he said as he moved toward her in the bedroom. He crawled up on the bed on his knees and held up mistletoe between them with a big smile.
Addison looked up to see what he was holding then met his eyes. She wasn't planning on making the first moved to kiss him, as tradition dictated. Instead Derek moved toward her and she turned her face so his lips would land on her cheek and not her mouth.
"What's wrong?" He asked, sensing the tension. "You love Christmas," he reminded her.
"I'm just not in the mood right now," she responded.
Derek gave her an understanding nod, "Okay. I'll leave this by the kitchen sink and we can figure out where to put it later. And we have to figure out what we're doing for Christmas this year. Whenever you are in the mood, let me know."
Addison sighed and went back to flipping through an old issue of Vogue.
"Addie," he started again a few minutes later. "Did you ever order that blanket for my mom? We never got to doing our Christmas catalog browsing the other night and we have to place orders ASAP so they get there in time."
"I said I don't want to think about Christmas right now," she reminded him.
"I know, I'm sorry. I just want to sort it all out and I'm not used to you not being enthusiastic about Christmas. Do you want to maybe talk about what's bothering you?"
"You think we need to talk about it?"
"I don't know. How else would we resolve the problem if you don't talk about? You could tell me what's bothering you and I could help you."
"Derek, two days ago, two weeks before Christmas you tell me that you're in love with another woman and you're asking me what's bothering me and you're trying to make Christmas plans?"
"Oh…" He trailed off.
"Did you think that it wouldn't change anything?" she asked, "Did you think I could just go on as if it didn't happen and be all cheery and festive? You told me that the holiday makes you want to be with another woman whom you love and you can't because I'm holding you back."
"I didn't say you're holding me back."
"You didn't have to say it. You said it without saying."
"I didn't mean to imply that. It's not that I don't want to spend the holidays with you, it's not that I don't love you. It's just confusing this year because I feel something toward her too."
Addison eyes instinctively closed as the words came out of his mouth. She sighed heavily as she covered her face with one hand, "Please stop saying it."
"I'm sorry," he said softly, reaching out to take the hand she wasn't using to cover her face. "I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm really trying to make this work and I guess I don't realize when my comments are doing more harm than good."
Addison nodded her head in agreement.
"Let me rephrase," Derek offered," If I were given a choice between spending Christmas with you or her, I'd choose you in a heart beat. Wouldn't even have to think about."
Addison pulled her hand away from her face and met Derek's eyes, "Really?"
"Before we officially got back together, after you gave me the divorce papers, I just couldn't bring myself to sign them...which you obviously know now considering that that's how we ended up going back together. Anyway, Meredith asked me why I was so hesitant about getting divorced if I was so hurt by the affair. I told her that it was hard to sign a piece of paper and end a family. Signing that paper meant 11 years of birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgivings, Christmases; 11 years of memories- great memories and some really terrible times. It's hard to sign a piece of paper, end your family and end the progression of that history. I wanted more birthdays, more holidays, more everything with you and that's why I chose you."
"Okay," she mumbled softly.
"Okay?" He repeated, unsure of what exactly that meant.
"I appreciate the reassurance but I just need some time to come to terms with my life. I never expected to be on the verge of divorce, desperately trying to repair my marriage while living in a tin can. I know it's the holiday season and that I want it to be festive but this year I just...just give me some time, okay?" She didn't want to tell him that she feels depressed and alone. Hearing him tell her that he chose to be with her was a big step forward for her and she didn't want to ruin it by telling him she was unhappy with her life.
"I can try to give you some time," he replied.
Over the next few weeks she'd forced herself to do catalog and online shopping to ship presents to Derek's mother, sisters, nieces and nephews. She didn't answer their phone calls when the presents arrived and she didn't bother calling them back. On most days Addison would come home and go straight to bed. Derek could tell that something was up. He could tell that she was trying to get through a minor bout of depression and he didn't want to make it any harder for her so he never questioned her behavior. He would get I to bed and spoon her to show affection and support. At work he'd leave her cups of coffee with nurses to deliver to her as soon as she stepped out of the OR. He'd personally delivery juju when she had a bad day and they never spoke about any of it. She asked for time and he was honoring that wish.
He tried not to let it bother him when she stopped wearing her wedding band and engagement ring. Since the day he proposed, Addison always had the ring on her finger. The only times she took the rings off were during surgery, during which they were pinned to her breast pocket, extra close to her heart, and in bed, where she left on the nightstand beside her to put them back on the second she woke up. He wasn't use to seeing her left hand without the rings. But he told himself that it was okay, that it was just something she had to do to help herself come to terms with the condition of her marriage.
"Addison!" Derek called out loudly for her attention when he spotted her in the hallway. Unable to catch her attention, Derek rushed to catch up with her in the scrub room she had just entered. "I have been looking for you for an hour," he told her.
"I've been really busy. This patient came into the ER two hours ago. Four days old, found in a dumpster outside a Taco Bell. We had to get his body temperature up and stabilized before I could go in to do something about the diaphragmatic hernia. I don't think its congenital because they wouldn't discharge him after birth like this...unless he wasn't born in a hospital. It could be an injury sustained from a MVA or something. I don't know. I just know he's struggling to breathe and there are audible bowel sounds in his chest which means organ displacement."
"Can I have two minutes of your time while they finish prepping him? Look the anesthesiologist just got in there. You've got a few minutes before you have to get in there."
"I have to scrub in."
"I'll do your mask and your cap while you scrub. They'll save you a minute so it'll make up for the distraction."
Addison sighed impatiently and leaned against the sink with her arms crossed.
Derek took his right hand out of the pocket of his lab coat and opened his palm to reveal a platinum wedding band, "I know we said we're not buying Christmas presents for one another year but technically I didn't buy this. You bought this for me almost 12 years ago for our wedding so it's not a Christmas gift."
Addison didn't reach out to take the ring from his palm so he held it between thumb and pointer finger to offer it to her.
"Derek, why are you giving me your wedding ring? Are we officially calling it off or something? Because doing that right before I'm scheduled for surgery is not the best time."
"No, the ring is a symbol of commitment and I'm giving it to you so you can put it where it belongs. If you want to, that is."
Addison looked from the ring he was holding to her to his eyes. She kept her eyes glued to his for a few seconds. She wanted to see him falter, she wanted to see doubt or panic but none of that was there. All she saw was a glint of hope in his eyes. She was terrified about the future of her marriage. Derek may have sworn that he chosen her because he wanted a future with her but she wasn't sure. She couldn't bring herself to celebrate a holiday she once loved because she associated it with Derek and she knew that if things didn't work out she'd never celebrate the holiday happily again. She was preparing herself for the of her marriage and that meant no cheery Christmas and it meant getting used to life without two bands on her left ring finger. She stood there, leaning against the stainless steel sink in the scrub room staring into his eyes with these thoughts running through her head but she could tell that none of those insecurities were on Derek's mind.
"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, Baby John Doe is sedated and we're ready for you," A nurse said, standing by the the doorway into the OR.
"Just give me a minute, I'll be right in," she responded without looking away from Derek's eyes. She hesitantly took the ring from him and held it with her thumb, index finger and middle finger, waiting for him to offer his left hand so she can slip it on.
Derek pulled his left hand out of his pocket and held it out flat for Addison. She moved her right hand with the ring to slip it on his ring finger but stopped short when she noticed something else on his finger. "Derek," she started, bring her other hand up to roughly rub the marking on his finger, "What is this? And why isn't it coming off?"
"It's a tattoo. Its not supposed to come off."
Her brows came together in disbelief, she pulled his hand under sink and rubbed it with the antibacterial soap the hospital provided but the black line around his finger wouldn't fade.
"Addison, its not going to come off," he said with a chuckle then a yelp as she applied more force, "Honey, you're hurting me."
"Why would you get a tattoo?" she asked, raising her voice slightly as she gave up on trying to wash away the black circle going around her husband's finger. She turned his palm right side up and saw that the thin line form a full circle with tiny, tiny Roman numerals of the date of their wedding, just like the inscription of their wedding bands. "Derek…"
"My dad never wore his wedding band. I don't know why, honestly. Kathleen asked him once when we were kids and he said that he didn't have to because my mom always wore her's. He believed that it was bad luck if neither one of them had a ring on, as long as one of them wore the symbol of their commitment then it was okay or something like that. I was a kid, I don't remember details. For the last week neither of us have been wearing a ring and that bothered me. I wanted our vows and our commitment to have some tangible manifestation so I decided I should wear my ring. But even then there would be times, like surgery, when it would be off and neither of us would have a ring on. So the best way to solve the problem was to have it tattooed on. Now when my ring is on that's what will show and when it's off, the tattoo will be there. No matter what, something is there to symbolize our marriage."
"A tattoo is permanent."
"So is marriage...at least its supposed to be. In binding ink. This is binding ink."
"Dr. Montgomery…"
"One more minute," she called out to the nurse without turning to him.
"I know its permanent. I'm okay with that. I know I'll never need to remove it," Derek elaborated, "Now put the ring on over it and scrub in before they file a formal complaint against you for taking personal time and endangering a patient."
Addison slipped the ring on his wet finger and turned it over curiously only to see that the ring really did perfectly cover the tattoo. She let go of his hand and reached for a surgical mask, leaving him to tie it while she scrubbed in.
"Addie," he stopped her as she was about to walk into the OR, "It's a beautiful day to save lives. You won't need it but good luck in there." Derek couldn't see the lower half of her face but he knew she was smiling at him.
"Hey," she greeted softly when she arrived at home late that night. She walked into the trailer and found Derek pouring a steaming brown liquid into the sink drain. The trailer smelled like a combination of cinnamon and rum so she assumed he was attempting homemade hot buttered rum. "What are you doing?"
"Well, I know you're you're not a the Christmas Spirit this year but I also know that you'd never turn down hot buttered rum...Unfortunately, this tasted like tar so it's best to get rid of it and think of an alternative."
"Actually, I was kind of hoping to get right in bed and get some rest. Its been a very long day and I don't feel like doing much."
Derek gave her an understanding nod. "Okay, why don't you take a hot shower and get changed and I'll make you a cup of tea to drink in bed."
Forty-five minutes later they both laid in bed with a half empty mug on nightstand beside Addison. They were on their sides facing away from one another, Derek scrolling through CNN's website on his phone while Addison read a book. Derek suddenly sighed loudly, put his phone down beside on his bedside table and turned of the lights on his side. He stretched his arms and turned over, scooting closer to the middle of the bed to spoon Addison's body. His left arm rested against her hip and his head moved in to the edge of her pillow.
Addison put down her book and reached for his hand on her hip. He'd taken off his wedding band and she was sure she'd find it on his nightstand right beside his phone. She knew that he'd put it back on as soon as he got out of bed because that's what happened every day for ten years back in New York. But now, even without the ring, his ring finger was never empty. She traced the thin black line around his finger and smiled at the idea behind the whole thing.
"You secretly like it, don't you?" he asked teasingly. "I saw it on one of my patients. He had a leukemia a few years ago, he was diagnosed a few weeks after his wedding. The chemo made his hands, feet and ankles swell. His wedding band would hurt him so he had to take it off while he was on treatment. He didn't like that he couldn't wear his ring so he got a tattoo, even though his oncologist was dead set against him getting a tattoo during chemo and risking infection with a low white cell count. It was a great idea and I stole it from him and got this done that same night."
"You said you don't care if its permanent because you'll never have to have it removed. How do you know? What makes you think this marriage will last forever?"
"Honestly, I don't know. All I can do is hope that it will. And every time I look at my hand, with or without the ring, I want to be reminded that I've got a wife at home whom I chose to spend the rest of my life with...twice. Plus this was a good way to show you that I'm really trying."
"Thank you, Derek."
"Don't thank me," he replied with a yawn.
"Derek?" she whispered after a few minutes, poking the arm on her hip to wake him up if he had fallen asleep.
"What?" he mumbled groggily.
"Merry Christmas." she said softly.
This has been ready to post since October. I wanted to wait for Christmas Day to post...and then I forget. Luckily in my part of the world there is 1 whole hour left to Christmas so we can still call this a Christmas Day story. It is cheesy and not nearly as entertaining as last year's Christmas story but better than nothing, right?
Hope you like it! Merry Christmas (or Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Every other December holiday I can't think of).