A/N: This story was something entirely new for me. A new fandom and a new point of view - my first time posting something in the second person. I know that 99% of people here only come to read Snowbarry or KillerFlash but this is an idea that has flooded my mind ever since the mid-season finale and grown into one gargantuan project (Have you tried to download a file this size onto FanFiction? It's not fun) I also know that the show writers have really bad habit of pushing Caitlin into romantic situations with pretty much all the guys on the show (minus Cisco - and we all know she has romantic tension with Harrison Wells at some points), so I hope this didn't come off as some poor attempt to make Caitlin fall in love again. That's part of the reason I chose to write things from Julian's eyes; that and I really enjoy his character and think he has lots of potential. This is not simply a love story, but a story of Julian's personal development after the Alchemy event (also fair to mention it is highly AU for the second half of the season as I am speculating events and have not seen any previews). I think that Julian and Caitlin are compliments to one another, and are more similar than most people care to think. I hope this story conveys that. So, I hope you all give this one-shot a chance, and enjoy!
A Different Kind of Burn
Barry Allen is The Flash.
You curse yourself that you didn't see it sooner. How self-righteous he always seems, how overly-confident he is in his abilities to catch criminals. You curse yourself for trusting him only to be let down yet again. You can't even look him in the eye because disgust roils through your stomach at the thought that the only seemingly good Meta was cloaked in shades of grey. What else could you call unlawful imprisonment?
Betrayal stings like a poison through your veins. You opened up to this man only to have him mock you to your face. You want to hurt him like he's hurt you, but more than that, you want him to be wrong. You want the words coming out of his mouth to stop making sense because you have been losing time and you have been blacking out and you have been hearing voices that are too strong to be figments of your imagination.
He lets you go and offers you a choice: help him or keep hurting people. There is no debate on which one you will choose. You cannot deny the truth any longer.
You are Alchemy, and all that disgust now turns on yourself.
Did it work? You ask to a room full of shocked, empty faces. You take that as a yes, that their abject horror means that they've successfully communicated to Savitar and you've provided yourself useful to the high-and-mighty Barry Allen. Whatever you said - it said - has shaken them to the core. You've never heard such silence, such a grim set of faces.
And she looks terrified.
In your own self-loathing, you'd forgotten about the ice woman. She acted skittish when she first saw you, hands trembling as she hooked you up to a machine that sucked you down into a deep black abyss. Now she's trembling for a whole other reason.
Good, you hiss at her in your mind, still shaken by the fact that you let your body be taken over by a devastating force of nature. Now you know what it feels like.
You know it's the fear talking, the irrational need to have everyone feel exactly what you are because this can't be real. This can't be happening. It isn't fair that your life keeps falling apart from under you. But it is and you can't change it and all you want to do is drag everyone down with you because they're the ones who've taken a sledgehammer to your carefully-crafted world.
You blame her more than you blame the others. You blame her because this is the second time she's pulled him into harm's way. You blame her because she's the reason you had to break the law and lie on record and put your job at risk. You blame her because she's a Meta, the same Meta who gave you frostbite and threatened to kill you, and Metas are problems. Metas are the reason you've spent the last four years as a puppet to a power-hungry, vengeful speed god.
She doesn't look like a Meta now, though. Her hair is brown and her eyes are just as dark and riddled with deep-seated concern. You hate her more for her pity. You hate her for treating you so gently, for the concern in her voice that can't possibly be real.
More than anything, you hate her for how you don't seem to hate her at all.
Later, when The Flash has thrown that damned box deep into the Speed Force and Savitar has been reduced to nothing more than a bad dream, she's in the hall asking about your Christmas plans.
She's still nervous around you. You can tell by the way she wrings her hands and can't seem to bring herself to meet your eyes. You've both been skirting around the kidnapping incident, its presence sitting between you like the elephant in the room. Her gesture is sweet, but unwanted. You're too shaken to do anything other than go home and lie down. You don't know if you have it in you right now to get up and go on with life as if nothing has happened.
You prefer to be alone on Christmas anyway, and tell her as much. You can see she's disappointed in the way her smile falters around the edges and those hyper-expressive eyes flood with that same mix of concern and pity. It wasn't too long ago those eyes were electric blue and hardened by rage. The difference is staggering.
You can't take it, so you leave.
After hours of unsuccessful attempts to quiet your racing mind, you take Caitlin Snow up on her invitation. You've always had a sharp memory and the West address is a fairly simple thing to remember. But first, you have business to attend to at the CCPD. Captain Singh is always working, and it isn't hard to get what you need.
You show up out of the blue and Barry is the one to answer the door. He's shocked as you figured he would be, but not unpleasantly, and you find the reaction comforting. He's further shocked when he opens his impromptu present. When he shakes your hand, it feels like the two of you have built some sort of bridge, forged a bond. There are finally no secrets between the two of you, and though he has many flaws, you know one thing down to your very core: Barry Allen is a good man, possibly one of the best men you've ever met. That almost makes up for all the late days and missing evidence. Almost.
Everyone is in a cheery mood, high off of defeating The Flash's newest enemy, and it's hard for you not to get sucked in. The atmosphere in the West house is warm and comforting, and though you know you are the obvious outsider, none of them act that way. They all say hello and wave your way, welcoming you into this bizarre little family they've created. She's there too, all smiles and cheer though her happiness is laced with something melancholy that you can't quite place. When she offers you eggnog, you accept graciously, and she disappears just as fast as she appeared in your line of sight.
The doorbell rings and there are people singing, like something out of a Christmas movie. Carolers in the rain, HR slurs as he leans on Wally, though he's just as content as the rest to listen to the music. A moment later you notice her move out the corner of your eye. She's headed towards the window with Cisco close behind her, the tech-savvy genius just as interested as you are as to what she's up to. They haven't spotted you watching yet, so you let your curiosity take over.
Not a moment later, the black band on her wrist falls to the table with a heavy thump. That can't be comfortable, you think passively. Heavy, unwieldily. But the dominant thought in your mind is what she is going to do now that she's unrestrained.
She decides to stick her hand out the open window, and for the first time, you think her powers are beautiful.
You've seen her use them before, when she held you hostage. You were just as awed then as you are now, but it's different this time. In the warehouse, it was the adrenaline coursing through your system that made the flurries in her hands seem menacing, the fear of her ice piercing your heart and striking you dead that transformed her into the cold-hearted assailant you've painted her to be.
Now, the frost radiating from her palm is used to create something good, something pure. Snowflakes fall down upon the carolers at the door and you can't help but smile at everyone else's wonder over how this rainy Christmas has magically turned into a white one.
She clasps the black band back into place, the blue light on the side letting you know that she has been restrained once more. You should be relieved. Everything is back under control. But you can't ignore how she winces when the the lock clicks into place. You don't expect to feel a rush of sympathy when you come to the realization that suppressing powers is not a painless process.
Your fingers brush the back of that same hand as she passes you the eggnog she promised. You can't help but notice that it's warm and not the bone-chilling cold you're expecting.
Christmas passes but the feeling of belonging lingers on, and you find yourself working with STAR Labs more often than the officers at the CCPD - if you exclude Detective West of course. The stigma of Savitar doesn't faze them anymore, and if there is any lingering resentment over the fact that you were Alchemy, then no one brings it up. You aren't that close with them, not yet, but at the rate things are headed, you are optimistic that you will get to call this unlikely group of vigilante heroes friends.
You ask Detective West endless questions about past cases involving Metahumans. You have long conversations with Barry about his speed, continuations of that outburst you made before you two went out for drinks so long ago. You trade sarcastic remarks with Cisco. You fit in most with Wally and HR, the two newest members of the team before you came along. HR is quirky and Wally is far too young for you to really relate to, but the three of you stick together. Because even though you are more than welcome, it is hard to find a place in such a close-knit community.
Then of course, there's her.
You understand her better than the others, if only because biology and chemistry are distant relatives to forensic science. The majority of what she says still goes over your head, and it baffles you just how smart she is. It shouldn't be that big of a surprise. She is a doctor after all. She has worked hard to get where she is in her career, but you suppose that in the back of your mind the first image you think of is of ice daggers and cruel blue eyes.
One day she asks if she can look at your arm, and it takes a moment to process that she has actually addressed the kidnapping incident.
The shock on your face is evident. You can tell by the way she rephrases her request, how she wants to make sure your forearm is healing properly because if improperly cared for, frostbite could cause complications. She makes her request sound professional, medical, but that doesn't stop your heart from crawling up your throat with nerves as you nod your consent. There's no one else around, no one else that you can run off to in order to escape her.
She takes you into the back room where there is a little more privacy - as much as can be afforded with a glass walls. She busies herself with charts and paperwork while you roll up your sleeve, trying not to look at the patch of uneven skin that had to be cut away and wrapped up to heal for weeks. The doctors all told you the frostbite wasn't that bad, more like a burn really, but it would leave a scar. Judging by the look on her face as she begins her diagnostic exam, her answer is the same.
The hands you've grown accustomed to watching are turned on you now, and you can't help the initial flinch as she makes contact with your skin. She hesitates for a moment, thinking your reaction was triggered by unpleasant memories of your last physical encounter, but all you can think about is how warm she is. Those hands are so warm, too warm for someone with so much ice running through their veins and none of this makes sense…
Then you realize that if her hands were the cold you were searching for, she wouldn't be able to touch you like this, which would be a shame. You like her touch, how careful and gentle she is, how smooth the pads of her fingers are as she runs them over your damaged places.
Like her eyes, her touch gives away too much. Her touch tells you she holds too much guilt for the wound she is treating.
You want to tell her that you don't blame her, not anymore, not really. You want to tell her that you don't hate her; you just don't understand her or this world she's a part of. You want to tell her that you saw her make the snow on Christmas and that there has to be some sort of explanation as to how that woman and the one who held him hostage are one and the same.
You end up saying nothing, your jaw locked and unmoving as she finishes her exam and writes her last bit of data down. Her confirmation of all you already knew comes as no surprise.
It isn't until some time later you realize the true reason you like to watch her work.
It's her hands.
Not the way they move or what they do but the hands themselves. You've been obsessing all this time over their positioning, grip, and more than anything, color. You've been paying close attention, patiently waiting for her skin to drain of it's pinky peach tone, for her knuckles to run white and her fingertips to turn a pale powdery blue.
You've been waiting for her to lose control, but she never does. Her hands keep moving the same as they always have, and it drives you mad.
You ask Caitlin Snow out to coffee a few days later.
It's not a romantic gesture. You just can't stand it any longer. You have to know more about her, about her powers and how she's able to live the way she lives. She's caught off guard by the invitation, but you are the one who ends up being surprised when she says yes. That's how you find yourself sitting in Jitters on a rare Sunday afternoon when the city isn't being torn to shreds.
She wraps her hands around a hot cup of coffee and you wonder for a fleeting second if they'll melt. She catches you staring this time and smiles a bit, finally realizing what's been bugging you these past few weeks. She can tell you want answers. You don't even have to ask for them.
Conversation comes naturally between the two of you.
She tries to tell you everything, or at least what she deems are the important bits. She tells you about the particle accelerator explosion, about how she was there the day it blew and and how it changed her DNA like it did Cisco's and Barry's and countless other Meta's. She tells you about her late husband's inflammatory tendencies and how he died saving the Earth from The Reverse Flash. She tells you about Earth-2 and all the others Earths, about Harrison Wells - Harry she says fondly - and Jesse Quick. She tells you about her evil doppleganager, KillerFrost, and how she watched her die. She tells you about how she fell in love with Jay who died as well, only he wasn't really Jay at all, but Zoom in disguise. She tells you the real Jay was the man with the silver hat that you met when Barry took you to STAR labs and locked you up the day you discovered you were Alchemy. She tells you about time travel and a giant gorilla in the sewer and dozens of other things as well.
The more you get to know Caitlin Snow, the more you find yourself drawn to her. Before long, two hours have passed. You know you could listen to her talk forever. But you both have jobs and other responsibilities that lie outside Jitters' four walls.
You're both not sure how to say goodbye. You've never been quite good with physical contact and though you know she likes to hug, she seems hesitant to even try. You think if you were a better person, you would reach out first. But you're not a better person. The truth is just the truth and it doesn't change what happened between you. You're still skeptical of her and her powers.
You wonder if it's skepticism that makes your heart beat a little faster in your chest when she looks back and smiles.
Before her, you thought you knew what it was like to be lonely.
Loneliness was your constant companion. Growing up in a big house with a big name and nothing but yourself to save you from ghosts that lingered down empty halls. Growing up with stern parents who looked down on you and later blamed you for the death of your sister. Growing up in the spotlight of an ancient society that should be buried along with the ruins you searched through.
But she has known loneliness in the years of indifference that separate her and her mother, in the deaths of her father and her husband, in the constant string of betrayals from those who call themselves friends. In the way she is slowly losing herself to the monster lurking under her skin. She has sacrificed so much more than you ever thought possible. She has lost so much more than her years convey and you think it's a cruel twist of fate that someone so young has been made to suffer the way she has.
It's easier now, to see how the cold and the dark found her.
One look at her and you realize you've never known loneliness at all.
You kiss Caitlin Snow outside her apartment building at two am in the morning.
It's unexpected, and you're both caught off guard. One moment you're talking as you've gotten in the habit of doing, the next you're surging forward and your hands are in her hair and your mind is flooding with how much you want her. Her lips are even warmer than her hands, so hot that your entire body is burning but you can't bring yourself to care because burning is the exact opposite of freezing and you'd do anything to chase away the cold.
But even after all that, you're still uncertain. Uncertain of who she is and what she has the potential to do. She's uncertain of you too, hyper-expressive eyes blown wide with pleasant surprise and suspicion. She takes one step back but it might as well be a mile. She wishes you goodnight and leaves you outside where all the cold comes rushing back with brutal force.
Neither of you say a thing about the kiss or what it may or may not mean when you go into STAR Labs the next day. In fact, you act as if nothing has happened at all.
While you watch her work, you start to think on your past love life, or lack of a love life to be more accurate. Ever since the death of your sister, you've been disinterested in becoming attached to anything or anyone. It's as if the part of your heart that was capable of love died with her. You even lied to Barry Allen once about having a girlfriend - an excuse to get out of some event he wanted to drag you along to. It's easier, you think, to be unattached.
If you're unattached then nothing can hurt you, and she has more than enough potential to destroy you.
In the time you spend at STAR Labs, you almost forget about the ice woman.
Almost.
You know she's real and has caused you real pain, but she's more of a memory than anything now. You can no longer recall the exact shade of blue of her eyes and the words she spoke all get jumbled together when you try to think about them. It's as if she belongs in the past, someone who is no longer around to cause you problems.
That is, until, there is a problem.
There's a new criminal in town that Cisco has named something ridiculous. Normally, you wouldn't give the man a second glance. The Flash would have this wrapped up in time for dinner. Except that each time The Flash goes to confront this guy he ends up flat on his ass, escaping within an inch of his life from death by molten magma.
Everyone is at a loss for what to do. Cisco has maxed out all his gadgets, the CCPD doesn't stand a chance, and Barry has tried his best to run around the situation to no avail. So when Iris suggests that they should fight fire with ice, you're suddenly brought to attention. It is so quiet in the lab as everyone stares at Caitlin that you could hear a pin drop, every nerve in your body buzzing with activity.
The buzzing escalates when she actually agrees.
You want to shout that it's a horrible idea. You want to scream that there is no way this could possibly be safe for anyone involved. You try to speak up but everyone talks over you. So, you wait with bated breath as she leaves with Barry to hopefully stop the villain once and for all.
And they do. She saves the day. But it comes as no surprise that when she returns, a little bit of the ice woman lingers.
The differences are so subtle but yet so obvious they're jarring. It's in the way she walks, in the way she talks. In the way she cocks her head to the side impertinently while Barry is talking to express her disinterest. It's in her eye-roll as they all group hug and she mutters under her breath how she did all the work and why would they be celebrating, as if any of them helped.
Thankfully, you aren't the only one who notices. Iris does, except she is braver - or stupider, you're not sure which - and expresses the differences to Caitlin who only rolls her eyes and scoffs. Then she has everyone's attention. It's clear she isn't herself now that someone has drawn attention to it.
And she is mad. Very mad. So mad in fact that when Iris goes to take her hand, she steps back and hisses from the sharp cold, and that adds enough contempt to make the ice woman snap. She lashes out and creates an arc of ice aimed at no one directly, just the general vicinity of the people trying to get close to her. They all halt in their tracks, you included, and prepare for the fight to come.
Except there is no fight. She looks up to see just how close her ice got to impaling everyone in the room, and the spell is broken. The ice woman is beaten back and Caitlin Snow is returned - returned and swiftly running out the room. You don't hesitate to follow despite everyone else telling you to give her space.
You find her in the speed lab pacing the space between the monitors. She's wringing her hands, fidgeting with her replaced black cuffs and muttering under her breath. It takes her a moment to realize you're there, but once she does, you can see the wave of sadness wash over her. She asks you if everything is alright but you can see the distance in her movements. She thinks she's hurt you again and you can't take it, not when you know that the only person hurt in this whole mess is her. Not when you know what it's like to lose yourself to a force you can't control, to be a stranger in your own body. You know and you can't stand to see her beat herself up for one more moment.
She tries to leave but you are quicker. You take her by the wrist and pull her close. You kiss her as if there is no tomorrow and she clings back just as tight. Just like that, all your walls come crumbling down.
To hell with precaution.
If she's going to destroy you, you would rather it be like this.
You invite Caitlin Snow out to coffee. This time it is a romantic gesture, but you're still as surprised as you were the first time that she says yes.
Over the next few weeks, coffee turns into lunch, which then turns into showing up at her doorstep with flowers and staying out all night. You go to dinners, see shows, curl up on the couch and watch movies. Sometimes you just sit and talk for hours. You think you like those nights the best.
You haven't put a label on anything, and you don't feel any pressure or want to. You're content to just exist with her, to have her there with you, and you're confident she feels the same.
One night she works late at STAR Labs. It's nearly nine and she hasn't called you back about meeting for dinner, so you decide to bring dinner to her. You get something fast and convenient, not at all fancy, but when she sees you walking into the lab with Big Belly Burger she practically tackles you in gratitude. Energy restored, she finishes her work soon after, and before long you're both going for a long walk around the city. She holds her heels in her hands as you go, no cares given to the conditions of the sidewalk or what the people around her think. You throw an arm over her shoulders and that night the two of you decide to talk about the stars. They've been a growing interest of hers ever since the invasion, and though you've never fancied yourself an astronomer, you figure you've got the next best thing right at your side.
Before long, you're climbing the steps to her front door and kissing her goodnight. When she invites you up to her apartment, you don't even think. You follow.
Cisco is the first one to notice the change in your relationship.
He's always been uncannily observant. That, and it doesn't help that his powers include seeing bits and pieces into everyone's futures. He doesn't tell either one of you what he sees; he only comes up to you on your way out to work and says that if you break Caitlin's heart then he'll find a way to use his vibes to break your neck. He says it loud enough for HR to overhear and run off to tell everyone else.
The rest is history, and for the first time in a long time, you are completely and perfectly happy.
Everyone is remarkably accepting of your relationship (it isn't until a few days later that you discover there was a running bet on how long it would take the two of you to get together). Even more remarkable is how things go on as they usually do. There are still long nights and date nights and crimefighting nights. HR still makes awful jokes, Iris still gives Wally a hard time about suiting up with Barry, and Cisco still gives all the villains you come across ridiculous names. The days pass and the world keeps turning regardless.
The only remnant of the ice woman is when she uses her powers for simple things - to chill a sample with her own two fingers instead of waiting on the freezer or whenever Cisco requires her special touch on improving her dampening cuffs. In the mean time, she helps The Flash catch petty criminals and you go over to the CCPD and file all the necessary paperwork. It's a system you've perfected until it's second nature. Easy. Effortless.
It's as if you're living in a fantasy world, and in all your happiness, you've forgotten one thing.
Eventually, like all good things, this time of peace must end.
When Savitar comes back, he comes for you first.
You're not sure how that God-forsaken box found its way back to this world, but you wish you were surprised. You're easy prey in his eyes, a servant he can snatch up and use whenever convenient. Except you're not. Not anymore. You're different now, stronger even, and you won't go without a fight.
Savitar approaches you with pretty lies. He promises you wealth and a place in his new world. He promises you a life with your sister. He promises you things that no longer hold their appeal, so he offers you your heart's desire. He pulls fragments of the Speed Force from his body and displays them in front of you, crackling and sparking like lightning bolts. He says that the speed is yours to take if you serve him again. It's your fantasy come to life, a dream come true, but yet you hesitate.
All you've ever wanted since the particle accelerator was powers. All it took was four months working with STAR Labs to realize that you don't.
You want nothing to do with them.
Savitar doesn't like that answer. He doesn't like it at all and you think if he goes to strike you dead you won't resist.
(You'll think later on that perhaps it was more of a punishment that he let you live).
That night, you promise her you're fine. Just a bit shaken, nothing you can't handle. She doesn't believe you - shocking, you know - and instead chooses to fuss over you like a mother hen. She runs brain scans and vital signs and a dozen other things that you find strangely endearing. She cares about you, but it isn't until then you notice how much. She cares for you far more than you could ever deserve, and you wonder what she would think if you told her you were ready to die tonight. She would probably slap you, she would probably cry, and she would definitely not believe you if you said that it would've been to protect her. It's true though. Her life has always been worth more than yours.
You've known for a while now how deeply your emotions run for her. You've done your best to fight them but now what's the use? What good is denying the truth?
The world is round, the sky is blue, and you're in love with Caitlin Snow.
Savitar is ruthless.
He has given up on you and instead focuses on someone he has deemed far more important: her.
She comes to you in the middle of the night clutching her head and claiming she is hearing voices. She's terrified because she knows this voice, the same voice she heard projected from your own mouth the day she tapped into your subconscious. You're terrified for what this means, for what Savitar's plans are for her. You don't sleep a wink that night, but neither does she. She talks about the stars, the same stories every few hours, but you're not paying attention anyway.
All you can think about is how fast you're losing everything again.
When mental torments are not enough, he physically comes for her. You attempt to talk to the speed god, but he is not in the mood for bargaining and throws you aside as if you are dirt beneath his feet. The Flash tries his best to fight, but Barry is nothing more than a rag doll in Savitar's hands. There is nothing that can be done to stop the speed god's wrath. Nothing to stop him from beating Barry and Wally within an inch of their lives.
Iris is screaming over the intercom for Caitlin to do something, to do what she did on the harbor the last time this happened. You have no idea what that means, but she is shaking her head no, that she can't, that it is too risky. Iris is desperate, pleading and begging for her to help, and from your supine position on the floor, you can see her resolve weakening. You can see the pain in her eyes as she apologizes for what will happen next.
The pieces click into place but you're too late to protest.
The black cuffs fall to the floor with a loud crash and she is free. She is free and she is angry. Months' worth of repressed potential are unleashed in a torrent of ferocity and rage. The whole lab turns forty degrees cooler and you're shivering but Savitar is now encased in a layer of ice so thick you think there is no way he can escape.
Except he does.
Savitar is slower now, inconvenienced. The Flash and Wally have a fairer fight, but not by much. It doesn't seem to matter anyway. Moments after breaking out of his ice prison, the speed god vanishes, and momentarily you all think to celebrate.
It isn't until you turn around that you realize that you haven't won at all.
She is standing there but it isn't her. It's the other her: KillerFrost. Or, at least the beginnings of her. Streaks of white laced into brown hair, pale cheeks, blueing lips, and those piercing blue eyes. KillerFrost is eyeing all of you, deciding if you are friend or foe. Her mannerisms are stealthy, made to trick and seduce. There's a cruel edge to the curl of her lips as she assures you that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about. Her voice is melodic, far too chipper for the violence she had just shown Savitar, the false sweetness sending a wave of shivers down your spine.
Barry comes forward and tries to talk sense into her. Instead, she spins cruel words sharper than any weapon. Barry flinches, and you can't help but flinch as well at all the despicably low blows hurled his way.
Then she takes him by the neck and freezes his suit until the cold reaches the delicate skin underneath and turns it a dull shade of grey.
Iris screams. Wally tries to fight but she has frozen his feet in place, ice creeping around him like a vice. HR is helpless, hiding in the corner, and Detective West is too busy trying to warm Barry up to do anything else. You're the only one left, but what can you do? This is Caitlin…this is still the woman you love and you refuse to hurt her.
But she will hurt you, every rational cell in your body screams.
She is a predator and you are her prey. That becomes evident when she scans the room to see you're still standing, stepping over frozen bits and pieces of the people she's supposed to love in order to finish you off. But when she finally gets to you, crystal dagger in hand, she hesitates. KillerFrost never hesitates. You seize your chance.
You can't harm her with bullets, but you can pull a card out of her book. You can use your words and try not to think of them as your last.
You tell her you love her.
It's the first time you've said it out loud, but damn if it isn't the truth. You're in love with Caitlin Snow and you'll be damned if you let her give up this easily.
Perhaps it's the shock or surprise, but the ice melts away and she's back. Her eyes are brown and her hair has faded and your heart hammers in your chest because that was far too close for your liking. She shakes the ice away and it looks like she's just waking up or stepping out of a dream. A nightmare, you realize as the daze wears off and the memory of her actions causes her to cry out in distress.
Don't ever make me do that again! she cries in your arms, curling in on herself as if to hide away from the rest of the world.
It's devastating to see her like this, so fragile and unsure. She's shaking and her hyper-expressive eyes are flooded with guilt and self-loathing. It's completely different than the first time, so far from the fierce woman who held you hostage. Then again, you never did see the aftermath of that situation.
The two of you can't hide away forever. There is work to be done. Barry is still hypothermic and Wally is not having any luck breaking out of his ice prison. It's cruel that she be forced to repair the damages she unwillingly made with her own two hands, but she is the only one who can help, the only person who can set this right.
You need to get her up, but when you go to wrap your arm around her shoulder your hand brushes the back of her neck and you gasp.
Her skin is freezing cold.
Everyone lives through the KillerFrost incident.
Barry goes home shivering and Wally has horrible muscle cramps, but in time everyone will be okay. No one blames her, no one holds a grudge. If anything, they're sympathetic towards her, overly cautious and extra sensitive as if coddling her would make the situation better. It only makes her feel worse, and you catch her wiping away tears between placing warm compresses on Wally's calves and recharging Barry's heating blanket.
By the time you close STAR Labs for the night the clock reads 2:27 a.m.
It's been an emotionally exhausting day and all you want to do is sink into your mattress and never wake up. You're not sure how you get yourself home, all you know is that she is curled up in the back seat of your car fast asleep. She's had a much more taxing day than you have, between KillerFrost and the aftermath, and you're surprised she managed to stay on her feet for as long as she had.
You lay her down on her side of the bed and take her hand in yours. She is warm again, and your thumb traces patterns on the soft, peachy skin. Maybe if you will it hard enough, her skin will stay that way forever.
When you try to let that hand go, she grasps back tighter.
Voice heavy and thick with sleep, she tells you she loves you, and you think that maybe, just maybe, things could turn out okay.
The next day you find her staring at the ice that still hasn't melted from the lab, the ice that points upward from the ground like javelins, sharp enough to impale. She touches their points delicately, careful not to draw blood. She looks at them with contempt and a tired defeat, as if she's seeing a future she cannot run away from
One day I'll be her, she says resignedly. One day there'll only be KillerFrost and what will be left to remember me?
You tell her you'll remember, and for now that is enough.
A week passes and Caitlin does not improve since the KillerFrost incident.
She works slower, fumbles more and misses test tubes on her assays. She seems distracted, and you know it's because she's barely been sleeping. Between her lingering guilt and Savitar's whispers in her ear, she hasn't had a moment's peace. You want to help, but you don't know how. You know first hand there is no actual helping this. There is only enduring.
However, enduring can be made easier. All it takes is the unexpected arrival of Harrison Wells and Jesse Quick.
It is only unexpected to you, mostly because you missed the team meeting where Barry decided the best way to defeat Savitar is to join the forces of as many speedsters he could find. Still, the last thing you expect when you walk into STAR Labs on a random Tuesday is a giant blue portal in the middle of the room and two new people popping out.
You've only heard stories about the father-daughter duo, and seeing them in person is a bit surreal, especially when you actually have to process that HR and Harrison - Harry, he insists rather pointedly upon your meeting - are the same person from separate universes. This Harrison Wells is grumpy and sarcastic, not at all like the whimsical HR, and you like him instantly. The first impression you get of Jesse is muddled because as soon as she is done settling in on this Earth she is busy kissing Wally within an inch of his life (the second meeting, you'll be too busy picking your jaw up off the ground because good lord that girl is a genius). Harry lets out a long-suffering sigh while the rest of the group laughs.
The first thing Caitlin does is go up to Harry and hug him tight. She forgets to greet you entirely, completely consumed by Harry and Jesse, but mostly Harry. They dive off into a complex conversation you can barely follow and it isn't until you clear your throat that she remembers that you exist. You don't mind as much as you expect you do, if only because there's a light in her eyes that has been missing for a while and you can tell that KillerFrost is the last thing on her mind. You'll let them blather on for days so long as she keeps that light.
You always assumed from her stories that they were close, but until you see it in action, you don't understand how close. They speak in their own language, she, Harry and Cisco. Together their intellects are astronomical and you wonder how anyone could have possibly felt like they belonged when all three of them were working together. They work as one unit, Cisco and Harry bantering back and forth with lighthearted sarcasm while she scoffs and scolds gently behind them.
A glimpse into their world and you realize why she and Cisco are both so close to Harry. The real Harrison Wells was murdered, replaced by an imposter who only used them for his own means while they had both grown to love him. They were betrayed by their mentor, and the hole he left was gaping. Harry stepped in to fill that hole, to be the Harrison Wells they should have had all along. To be the mentor. To be the father figure Cisco desperately craved and Caitlin lost far too young. Theirs isn't just a bond of friendship, it's a bond of family.
And as with any father, nothing slips past Harry. He notices your closeness to her, how you act around her, how you look at her. He isn't dumb, and as the actual father to a teenage girl, he is quite good at connecting the dots.
Like Cisco, he doesn't say anything directly. Just that if you hurt Caitlin he has a device that can tear portals into an infinite number of Earths, and it would be very easy for him to randomize the settings and push you in.
You have precisely ten seconds to run for cover when Barry's 'perfect' plan blows up in your face.
Literally.
Savitar has learned from his past interactions with the team. He's studied how everyone moves, how everyone thinks, including Harry and Jesse Quick. He knows you better than any of them combined.
He knows how to exploit weakness.
He pokes holes in your ranks and separates the speedsters by difficulty. The ones he thinks he can defeat easily, and does with a single swipe of his hand, he leaves unconscious within moments. For the one with the most experience, he uses age as a weapon. Even speedsters get worn out, and Jay is left breathless after a short round toe to toe with the speed god. All that's left is The Flash to execute a plan originally made for four.
You know that you're done for by the time Barry takes his first step towards the machine Harry'd been building to trap Savitar permanently. Savitar rips the device from its bindings and crushes it to bits, the stabilizer it resided in imploding from the unstable flux of energy, sending pieces of metal shrapnel flying everywhere. Countless hours worth of hard work ruined in seconds. As if that wasn't bad enough, Savitar runs away with Iris, The Flash hot on his heels.
You don't hear from Barry for hours.
When he returns to STAR Labs, Iris West is dead and the whole team comes crumbling down.
Though Savitar has been weakened, he comes out the victor, and one thing is made abundantly clear: even if you win the battle, you will never win the war.
Barry Allen is a man with nothing to lose, which makes him dangerous. You only wish that he were dangerous to Savitar and not to himself and others.
He's full of rage and hate which blinds him to his mistakes. You try to talk to him, but he won't acknowledge you. He pushes everyone away, wallowing in self-pity and desperation all the while Savitar runs amok in the city he swore to protect.
Now, you protect it for him.
Not you, exactly. You're only human, but there's a startling vacancy in the humanity department since Iris…well…so now you fill her shoes, but you fill them poorly. You're not apt at giving inspirational speeches or bringing people up no matter how hard Caitlin cheers you on. You can see how upset she is though she tries to stay strong. You can see the hard lines on her face and the tension in her body. You worry she's walking a thin rope that's too close to snapping.
One night while on patrol, your worry comes true.
Near Alchemy's old warehouse, Savitar shows up out of nowhere and starts tearing into the speedsters you have left. Wally and Jesse all but scatter, leaving Jay to deal with the problem on his own. He can't hold out for long, not one-on-one, so you call Barry. In your panic you think that The Flash stands the best chance at success. (You'll realize afterwards that calling Barry was only the first mistake you made that night.) And in that panic, you've forgotten about her.
She was supposed to stay in the lab with you but suddenly she's gone and you fight the urge to run down the halls and shout her name. You know that would be useless. Cisco has gone too and the two of them together meant they had concocted some half-baked plan to save the day which could only result in trouble. Soon enough, a blue energy portal appears on the satellite you tapped into, and she comes popping out with black cuffs nowhere in sight.
She thinks she is helping, using her powers to save the speedsters. From your perch up above, it seems all she is doing is successfully pissing off Savitar. He tires of her ice quicker than Cisco's vibes, and before she can blink he has one hand wrapped around her throat. She's clawing at his arm, though she does no damage. She is not stronger than pure Speed Force.
The Flash swoops in to save the day, punching Savitar with all the strength he can muster. Though he sends Savitar spiraling back, he's too late. The damage has already been done and Caitlin is sent tumbling into the bay by the force of the punch.
The water is frigid this time of year. There is no way she can survive, and with every second she stays under the higher the chances are that she won't come up at all. Then the water stirs and a head breaks through the waves and you allow yourself a moment to relax because she isn't going to drown.
But it isn't Caitlin who resurfaces. It isn't Caitlin who swims to shore and pulls herself up onto the dock.
It's KillerFrost.
You've never been properly introduced but you need no introduction to recognize the ice woman. White hair, pale skin, blue lips, and those terrifyingly cruel electric blue eyes. There's nothing left of Caitlin Snow this time. Not one single shred of the brown-haired brown-eyed doctor. There's only the ice woman, and she has risen with a vengeance. She attacks everything and everyone in sight, the real battle long forgotten. Her ice has been strengthened a hundred fold now that there is no Caitlin Snow to hold her back. Now that humanity has been taken out of the equation, she has no mercy.
Savitar flees, his mission complete. The other speedsters fall back, and Barry - the genius he is - decides to face her head on.
You scream through his comms - tell him to run away, to get out of the line of fire, because dammit Allen no one else is going to die! But he won't listen. He turns his comm off and keeps walking forward, one foot in front of the other until they are toe to toe, no care as to how this ends.
She shoves a spear of ice so far into Barry's chest that it comes out the other side dripping with red, and for one terrible moment, everything to a screeching halt.
The next moment is all out war.
Another blue portal pops open - an escape route - but it's clear Cisco won't make it out in time. KillerFrost is closing in, spears of ice passing too close for comfort. One even makes its way through the portal, causing you to duck before it lodges into the space in the wall where your head used to be. That's when you know Cisco and the others need your help.
They may not be able to get to you, but you can get to them.
Perhaps you're crazy, but you jump through the blue portal and try not to linger on the feeling of your insides being turned to jelly as they're squeezed in one place and out somewhere different.
You get dropped off in the middle of an active battlefield.
Cisco is ready to fire everything he has. He vibes waves that send the ice woman flying through the air until she hits the ground bleeding. It's just like the vision that he'd shown you - Vibe versus KillerFrost - except it's real and it's now and it's so very scary. The only difference is that her blood is tinged with blue just like the rest of her, darkening to purple as it mixes with Barry's splattered across her chest. But Cisco can only hold her off for so long before the cold overwhelms him as well. He is sent sprawling across the blacktop, motionless on the ground as the frost creeps in from all sides.
Cisco is out so his portal vanishes, leaving you trapped in the street with two fallen heroes and nowhere to run.
You don't know what will happen. You don't know who is dead and who is alive. All you know is that you've lost her, and that hurts more than any blow she could possibly land on your already broken heart. Her heart is frozen solid but yours has splintered into jagged pieces that tear your insides to bits. She can smell the heartache on you. She can read the anguish and desperation in your stare and throws her head back, no kindness to be found in the high pitched bark of her laugh.
Dread pools in your stomach as you realize too late that there is no way back from this. 'I love you' can't save her from the cold she's built up like armor. Love is nothing more than a weapon she uses against you as her blue lips brush across yours and she turns your insides to ice.
You were wrong before. Freezing and burning are one and the same.
Your recovery is slow.
You lie in a bed in Central City Hospital for days on end while your temperature is strictly monitored, the numbers slowly but surely climbing up from freezing. It's a miracle you're alive, that the cold didn't kill you. You lie awake for hours wondering how it is you keep living through impossible events. Why the universe has deemed it necessary that you should be made to suffer through endless tragedies.
Your suffering never ends. It never goes away. Through all the pain you hear the voices - those nagging little voices whispering lies, planting doubts, and destroying your self-esteem all to try to drag you back down into the darkness with one goal in mind:
Alchemy.
The call to pick up the mantle of Alchemy is overwhelming.
You hear Savitar in your ear constantly, pestering and taunting you to return to him. It isn't enough that he's taken her; he still wants you to suffer. He torments you with promises of her and you can feel yourself weaken with every passing day. You're going through pain killers like they're candy and yet the pounding in your brain only increases. Maybe if you put on the helmet, it will stop. A momentary reprieve.
And in the process you could harm dozens.
That's always the thought that calls you back, the one that keeps you from opening up the bottom dresser drawer and giving into Savitar's demands. You may be hurting now more than you ever have, but you refuse to be the villain again.
You won't give in. One of you has to be strong.
Everything is falling apart.
With Barry still down for the count and no Caitlin around to fix him, it's up to Jesse and Wally to keep the city in line, something far easier said than done. They're young and inexperienced. Even with Jay's guidance they can only handle so much. And while petty thieves are easy enough to keep in line, the more powerful Metas and followers of Savitar are nearly impossible to stop. You assist as much as you can, but there's only so much you can do. You are just a man amongst gods, and if the gods cannot handle their own problems then what good are you?
Each day the city descends further into chaos.
Each day the city loses more faith in The Flash.
You come back to your empty apartment one night to find it's not empty at all.
She is there, waiting for you, and for a moment you forget how to breathe. She's been gone for weeks, leaving nothing but a trail of frost and injured civilians. She hasn't killed anyone yet, not that you've heard of, so it's kept her off your radar. It hasn't kept her off your mind.
Perhaps there's hope, one part of you thinks.
Perhaps you'll be her first, the more cynical side counters.
What do you want? you ask instead, voice tightly controlled. You learned from the last time that emotion was not your ally. Anything you show will be used against you in the cruelest way possible. Your love would only be used as a weapon.
But she doesn't look to be in the fighting mood. If anything, she looks moments away from falling over, exhaustion riddled over those hyper-expressive eyes.
I'm so tired, she says, her voice not as inhumanly layered as it used to be. So tired of being angry…all the time.
You allow yourself a few steps closer, slowly not to startle her, and you realize the differences you couldn't see before. Her eyes are still bright blue, but only around pupil, the edges rimmed in dark brown. Her hair looks darker at the roots, her skin not as deathly pale. She looks like she's melting away the ice inside but you dare not raise your hopes.
Can I…can I stay here? she asks, so unsure, not at all like the fierce ice woman she's dressed up as.
You nod your head and she sinks to the ground. It's an automatic response, one you don't know how to react to, because KillerFrost is splayed out on your kitchen floor instead of trying to freeze you. Her gaze is fixed on the ceiling, staring off into nothing at all.
Maybe you're convinced she is nothing more than a figment of your overactive imagination or maybe you've got nothing left to risk, but you lie down next to her. She doesn't move. If she's noticed your presence, she doesn't acknowledge it. She's so quiet, so still. If you couldn't see her chest rising and falling you'd think she's dead. You expect to feel the mind-numbing cold that usually comes with being so close to her, but it never hits you.
She's still staring at the ceiling. You can't stop staring at her.
You don't intend to sleep that night. Even after she shuts her eyes, you want to be awake for every moment. You want to stay prepared in case she gets up in the morning and changes her mind about keeping you alive. But you're tired and weary and even though it's a wooden floor, lying down is the most comfortable you've been in weeks. Your eyes are heavy and you can't fight sleep a single second longer.
If she wakes up in the morning and decides to shove an icicle through your heart, you figure there are worse ways to die.
That night you dream in white.
You dream of yourself and Caitlin, not KillerFrost, but brown-haired brown-eyed Doctor Caitlin Snow. In your dream you're walking through pine trees and snowflakes are falling from clear skies and sticking to her eyelashes but she doesn't seem to mind. You can't remember if either of you say anything at all, but that doesn't change the way she looks at you. It's the same way she used to look at you before the snow resided inside her heart.
In this dream, she laughs and you hear music. She smiles and you've found religion.
You think that if this is life after death then it's more than you deserve.
You're alive when you wake up and some small part of you is disappointed - the part that will always carry around lingering guilt of actions that were never your own.
The other bigger part of you is confused, but relieved.
You survived a night with KillerFrost unscathed; that's more than most can say after encountering the ruthless ice woman. You check your own pulse to make sure this isn't another dream to find it beating steadily (though quicker than usual, given the circumstances). Only when the floors creak do you remember that she is still here and how close you are and how she must be well-rested now so you need to get away get away get away before she turns you into an ice sculpture and-
-and then you really look at the woman sprawled on your floor, and you stop in your tracks.
You're cautious as you survey her - the pale streaks in her hair, the milky pallor to her cheeks and lips, the dark bruises under her eyes that would normally blend in with her makeup. She opens those hyper-expressive eyes and you can't restrain the euphoria flooding through your chest.
Because she's back.
Brown-haired brown-eyed Doctor Caitlin Snow.
She blinks slowly. Once, twice, then smiles cautiously your way. Those hyper-expressive eyes are tenuous and perplexed, and you know she's wondering why you aren't scared of her. She's not completely herself yet; there's still some thawing left to do, but she makes no move to leave. If anything, she scoots closer to you, chasing the heat she's been deprived of. You're hesitant to touch her, but when you do, her skin is warm and you could choke on tears of joy.
Some part of you thinks you're still dreaming, that this can't possibly be real, that you can't possibly be happy because you're never meant to be happy. The universe that has taken so much from you couldn't possibly decide to give you something instead.
You remembered, she says with voice cracked from disuse. It sounds even sweeter than the dream.
Of course. Of course you remembered her. How could you ever forget when she is so ingrained in every aspect of your being? You almost remember a time when you were you and not you mixed with Caitlin Snow, but that time is hazy and dusty. A time to be forgotten. A time you pulled from the shelf and forced yourself back into when she left you with nothing but a dull throb in the cavity of your chest where you heart should be. Her disappearance felt like the loss of a limb. Her being here now, completely and wholly real and not some half-baked illusion conjured from your deepest desires feels like the limb is finally growing back.
Always, you reply, and for now it is enough.
Mending is slow.
As she sheds the mantle of KillerFrost, her humanity comes trickling back. Humanity is not kind to her. She's spent the last few months devoid of the consequences or emotional repercussions of her actions, and her body sees fit to bring back in waves. She sobs through endless apologies, the sheer force of shame bringing her to her knees. It only gets worse when she goes back to STAR Labs. Just getting her there was a challenge on its own, but you're amazed she is able to walk through the door without collapsing under the weight of her regret. But when they finally do see her, no one is focused on the past. Everyone is too busy hugging her to think about anything else other than the fact that their Caitlin is back where she belongs.
She rebuilds trust brick by brick and fights for every brick she gets. You try your best to think it's not all in vain, but you're not stupid. KillerFrost will return, the only question is when. She is what she is, and nothing you do will change that. The only thing you can change is your outlook.
You take things one day at a time and not a single moment is wasted. You make every single second count so that when she eventually does succumb to ice and rage you can fall back on the memories of why you will always keep fighting. Why, when the ice melts, you'll always by there to bring her home.
Some days are harder than others. Some days are riddled with defeat and the looming threat of Savitar. Some days are so painful they feel like they will never end. And some days, though very rare, feel as though nothing has changed at all. Things can and never will be as they were the first time you stepped foot inside STAR Labs. You know that. But sometimes when everyone is gathered around in a group meeting and you're laughing at one of HR's terrible jokes or Cisco's sarcastic remarks, you feel that impossible feeling of hope that some day, one day, they will be.
She tells you she loves you, and you think that maybe, just maybe, things will turn out okay.