If I were to name one most hypocritical and overused advice in the world, it'd be "Be yourself".
Everyone knows it. We all gave or received that stupid advice at some point. Don't try to be someone you're not, people say. It won't do you any good. You can't be consistent with your lies all the time, because at some point, one way or another, you get called out on them. So just be yourself, and people will like you.
Not only it is hypocritical, but also useless and outright malicious. For some of us "being yourself" may mean being a secluded loner with no desire to interact with others. This may mean being depressive, unlikable, or just plain laughable. And then those who in their earnest intentions take "Be Yourself" at face value get slapped into the face with a harsh truth: the complete phrase is "Be Yourself (But Only The Way We Like)".
You must only be everybody's darling. Good with people, positive-thinking, interesting. Only then you are allowed to be yourself.
Those who are unable to be like that are stuck with the only option- to change, almost to the point of breaking their very selves, so they could fit into the definition both needlessly optimistic and absolutely disconnected from reality.
We shall always remember that. Even if you think you found someone who understands and accepts who you truly are, you simply delude yourself.
I was there too. I put baseless expectations on different people, once, twice, thrice even. None of them turned out particularly well.
It all changed when, after close to a year of knowing each other, I took a closer look into the eyes of a certain Haruno Yukinoshita. What I saw in those eyes were playful maliciousness, glee of destruction and refined heartlessness. It was exactly that time when I admitted to myself of who I was and what I wanted.
I found someone who gave me the third option to that "being myself" problem. She was someone who accepted me being noncompliant to idiotic standards. Being moody, pessimistic, cynical. Being evil.
And I loved that.
I sat down in my armchair, tracing fine white leather with my fingers. Chiba noticed that and climbed on the right armrest with a soft purr. I absent-mindedly scratched behind his ears.
One of the very few regrets about my past life was that I couldn't take Kamakura with me. Damn bandit showed his character yet again and refused the opportunity. Oh well. Chiba may be just a substitute, but now he feels even more right for me than Kamakura ever could. Joke's on you, arrogant furball.
Behind the large armored window across my desk lay a wonderful cityscape of the evening Kyoto. All those tiny lights were shining and moving around with purpose. And that purpose was to serve the Omni-Military Export Corporation of Japan.
The one I'm vice-president of, of course. I smirked, stroked Chiba once more and returned to work.
Giving up my ideas about work was also one of the few regrets from my past life. The choice between being a house husband and becoming an evil mastermind was a tough one. For a whole half a minute, but still. I rarely regretted the choice since then.
Reports from building sites... seems all right. Reports from machinery plants… seems all right too. Public relations…
I reached the intercom.
"Mako, call Hayama to me immediately."
"Yes, sir." Oh Mako-chan, you diligent reliable cutie you. If not for Haruno who picked you for me herself, I'd fall in love immediately… except you probably wouldn't like it. No one but Haruno would anyway.
After a brief chuckle I continued shuffling through the documents while waiting for him to arrive.
Hayama, eh…
Here's one thing, boys and girls, that I absolutely need to tell you. Never, ever, under no circumstances should you want everyone to get along. Yes, the world would probably have been a better place if everyone had gotten along. The bad thing is that just never happens. Instead you hurt many people and become an indecisive weakling, thus hurting even more people. And then when you are forced with the choice of which part of that "everyone" you should stick to, you can end up serving the shady corporation with plans for world domination...
"Let him in."
… just like Hayama. Poor sod... not really. Spineless wimp deserved what was coming. Even the notorious airhead Yuigahama managed to make a firm decision when the time came. Not to mention Yukinoshita. No matter what I think and say about her, when it comes to morals and standards, you can count on her to take the right side. I'll give her that.
The downside of it was that they both were hiding somewhere and making plans against me. I couldn't really say it surprised me one bit. I'm waiting for your turn, Ice Queen.
At this moment Hayama finally came in. Still cheerful and polite even these days, are you. Let's see how you hold up.
I put a relaxed posture and looked at him.
"Hayama, two local kindergartens are complaining about strange smells around one of our plants in Odaiba. Do you know about that?"
"Yes, I do." Not even slight change in his smile.
"Of course you do. That's your job, and the most fitting one for you at that. " He visibly winced, but changed back to his default smile in a moment. "Except the info about it somehow made it into reports which are sent directly to me. That's how big a problem it is. Three guesses for how I feel about it."
I measured him with a mockingly evaluating stare. The one I've learned from Haruno. Quite a useful stare, that one.
Signs of concern finally showd through that sugary smile of his. About time. I stroked my chin.
"Well, I do admit the last statement was a little harsh. You're good employee, Hayama. So four guesses."
He sighed.
"You're not very satisfied. And not amused."
I smirked and stroked Chiba who leapt on my lap.
"I have to remind you yet again about how good employee you are, Hayama." I measured him up again, this time with amused smile. "I also have to remind you that such wild guesses are not approved. Especially when we have a case this serious."
Hayama made an angry frown.
"So now what? Do I face the death by hungry piranhas right in the office?" He asked.
"Death by piranhas? Whoever told you that nonsense?" I replied in surprise."I don't have desire nor time to install something like that here."
Hayama relaxed a bit.
"So the rumor's not true..."
"Of course not. You think too badly of me." I scratched Chiba's chin and made a smug smile. "Those are in Haruno's office, not mine. I just settled with plain old machine-guns."
He blinked and cautiously glanced at the walls. Call me what you want, but that never gets old.
"Now to the matters at hand. I suppose you already took action. I trust you enough that you'll settle the public relations part, so no pressure here. I just want to reiterate," I glared at him, "that cases like this one should not be escalated into my personal reports. You still have two guesses left for how I'm going to feel about it."
At this point Chiba stared at Hayama with the contempt only a feline can emanate. I didn't even teach him to do that, the furry trickster simply was that good at reading the atmosphere.
Resulting effect surpassed all expectations. Hayama visibly shrank.
"It's really strange to care about those people for someone like you." He finally said.
I raised my brows.
"Care? Who said I care? It's just domination, Hayama, is not destruction. Those are very different words. You of all people should know the difference, being the second smartest back in school and all."
He winced even more than usual.
"You know, I liked you more back then."
"And I keep telling you that it's some nine thousand I-liked-you-back-then's late to say that. Dismissed."
He nodded, cautiously glanced at the walls once more and finally left.
"Can't say it wasn't little bit personal." I said to Chiba. "Also can't say I didn't enjoy this one bit either."
Chiba in turn looked at me with a glint of mischief, the furry trickster he was. We were in total agreement, I knew that.
I stretched. It's been a long day and I deserved me some fun. And speaking of fun, incoming happy and talkative Haruno in three, two, one…
"Hey, hey, hey, no time to feel down! Your cute little fairy Haruno is finally free from all those fat stuck-ups!"
She practically skipped through the office and into my lap. Not before sweeping Chiba into her arms, though. He didn't mind… much.
"I don't know what's wrong with them, but today's meeting was twice more mind-boggling than usual." She went on while sitting Chiba on her lap and hugging my neck. "For some reason they absolutely don't want to rent Kunashir to us for our Satcom base. They even resorted to national pride, imagine that! Those pesky Russians."
"That just means we need to find something to negotiate, you know that."
She pouted.
"No blackmailing?"
I looked her straight in the eye.
"No."
"No UN pressure?"
"No."
She put a finger to her chin, contemplating.
"Military occupation?"
"No."
She frowned.
"Satellite bombing of the nearby islands?"
"What's that for?"
Haruno looked at me coyly.
"I just thought It'd pick your attention."
"That means no."
She frowned once more.
"How about we help North Korea invade the island and make them all wear long hair in return?"
I blinked twice.
"Why long hair?"
She gleefully poked my nose.
"I knew invasion part wouldn't raise questions!"
I looked at her in exasperation.
"No."
She sighed, then suddenly pushed my head into her cleavage.
"How about I caress you in my wondrous bosom so you agree on something mentioned before?"
"Mmm, soft." Ten years ago it would have baffled me. Now I simply traced my finger through her cheek, down to the collarbone and left breast, without even looking. "No."
"I'll keep you head-first into the chest till it kills you."
"That means no further plans for world domination."
She made a tired sigh.
"Not going to back down… What a sour mood-killer you are."
Haruno made herself comfortable on my lap. I reached around her waist with one hand and turned the light off with another. Now the only illumination was the light outside.
Haruno gently rubbed her nose against my hair.
"You know, Yukino-chan was last seen somewhere in South Africa. Do you know what that means?"
"Of course. Fine mercenaries and gray markets abound. Then she'll come for us."
"And?"
"And we'll capture her."
"Oh, so you expect her to talk?"
"Talk? No, dear, I expect her to die!"
She laughed.
"I love you, my gorgeous evil mastermind."
"Me too."
"You too?"
"I too love me the gorgeous evil mastermind."
Haruno raised my face with her hands and gave me a stern look.
"Got you." I smiled. "Of course I love you, my beautiful lady of mass destruction."
She mischievously smiled.
"Better. The Devil certainly will envy us."
"For we will surpass Him, whether He likes it or not."
A/N: Another Animesuki forum thread idea, though it originally was more about the ship in general. I honestly think Bond Villains is the healthiest development for them. Because otherwise it's gonna be Basic Instinct. And I DON'T want to even start on that one.