One afternoon on the high seas, Luffy decided to fuck shit up for everybody.
"Hey guys!" He yelled as autistically as possible. "Let's go that way!"
"LUFFY, THAT SIGN SAYS INSTANT DEATH, CAN'T YOU READ!" shouted Usopp as his nose grew while his penis simultaneously shrunk.
"Usopp." Luffy stared him dead in the eye. "Do you like being in my crew?"
"No, not at all."
"Good!" He grabbed Usopp by the nose and threw him into Big Mom's fat rolls.
"YUMMMMYYY!" Yelled Big Mom, accidentally leaning into the exclamation key on her computer.
"Thank God he's gone." Sanji blew smoke in Luffy's face. "Anyone who doesn't have tits is clearly useless in my crew."
"I don't have tits," said Luffy, scratching his cheek.
"Oh yeah." He dropped his cigarette, lighting the entire ship on fire. "Well bye!" Sanji then threw himself into the ocean and swam back to Fishman Island. In the end he was also eaten by Big Mom.
"Luffy, you need to get your crew under control!" Nami whacked him on the head, but the three hundred lumps that sprouted back up smashed into her jaw, shattering it into pieces.
"Don't wanna." Luffy crossed his arms.
"Hey guys!" Doflammingo smashed into the ship from some far off place.
"Oh, hey Doffy, how's it hangin'?" asked Luffy.
"It's fine I guess, broke out of Impel Down because they're so retarded they managed to miss an entire city's worth of escaped prisoners for years, but o-" He paused. "Hey wait a minute, WE'RE ENEMIES!"
Luffy tilted his head. "Is that how this works?"
"How else would it work!?" Doflammingo shouted so loud his sunglasses broke, revealing a second set of sunglasses.
"I just thought, you know...I beat you. So your will is crushed." He shrugged. "So now you're no threat to anyone right?"
Flaminghotcheetos put his hand to his sunglasses, crushing them, revealing another pair. "Now I remember why I wanted to kill you so badly."
"Oh, hey everyone!" Arlong splashed out of the water onto the ship. And floundered for awhile.
"The hell is a fish doing here?" Doflammingo gritted his teeth, breaking his glasses, revealing a new pair.
"Excuse me." Arlong adjusted himself. "I'm just such a useless villain that I forgot how to move."
"What's Arlong doing here!?" Nami gasped in horror.
"I just escaped from Impel Down Syndrome and thought, hey! Why not get revenge." He held Nojiko up by her skull.
"Nami, don't worry about m-" He smashed her skull, forcing Doflammingo's sun tan lotion to break.
"Fuck, I didn't have any more of those!" Doflammingo guzzled an entire bottle of bleach out of unadulterated anger, leaving him with a cut on his shoulder.
Luffy growled. "You'll pay for that Arlong!"
"Not so fast!" Crocodile materialised on the ship.
"For the love of-"
"What did you expect, you fucking saved me, the guy who tried to kill you and everyone you ever loved, from a maximum security prison, then just let me wander off for two years!"
"I thought you'd be nice now!" Luffy clenched his fist so hard, it broke Doflammingo's leg.
"Okay, this doesn't even make sense anymore!" Doffy cried as his leg crumpled.
"I tried to skewer White Beard in front of you."
"Shit, that was you?" Luffy scratched his head.
"Who the hell else do you know with a massive golden hook!?"
"Yeah, I ain't buyin' it." Luffy grabbed Crocodile and slam dunked him into Big Mom's mouth.
Zoro walked out of the cabin after days of being lost in the bathroom. "Luffy, can we talk about the fact that Big Mom has been following our ship for weeks?"
"She'll tire out eventually."
Zoro tried to find the right reply, but got lost in thought.
"I guess I'll just kick her ass." Luffy started walking toward Big Mom.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that!" Enel floated down from the sky.
"I'm sensing a pattern here." Luffy frowned.
"Now that you've foolishly allowed me to live for no reason. I'll die immediately!" He fell into Big Mom's mouth and got crushed to pieces.
"I am a robot!" Franky started Fortnite dancing but remembered that he wasn't gay, so he stopped immediately.
"You're all so lively." Robin smiled, breaking Doflammingo's glasses, revealing tiny rooms where Eiichiro Oda sat at his desk, drawing.
"You've discovered my secret. Quick Doflammingo, suicide!"
"I don't think I want t-"
Oda drew Doflammingo crawling up Big Mom's asshole, and so it was.
"I've finally found you, Devil Child!" Rob Lucci hopped onto the deck, falling flat on his face.
"Oh hey, it's that guy." Chopper said before breaking his own ears with his annoying voice and killing himself for the sake of all humanity.
"I'm glad as hell that all of CP9 escaped that island, completely negating any dramatic effect the buster call had." Rob Lucci postured.
"Hey Lucci, what's Haki?" Luffy asked.
"The fuck is that?" He turned his head, only to be punched in the face by Luffy, breaking every single bone in his body and sending him flying into Big Mom's urethra.
"YUUUMMMMY!"
"Did you all forget about me?" asked Arlong. "I know I did."
"You're part of our crew now!" said Luffy.
"Really?" He wiped a tear off his cheek. "Why that's the nicest thing any-"
Hodi the Macho Fish Savage drop kicked Arlong into Big Mom's eye socket. "Oh yeah brother, I'm Hodi the MACHO Fish Savage. And I'm here to-"
"Hey Arlong." Luffy waved at him.
"I'm Hodi brother, get some glasses."
Luffy crossed his arms. "You look like Arlong, you smell like Arlong, and you suck like Arlong."
Hodi ran away crying. However, as he sprinted away, he realized he'd gone straight up, into the sun. Which was also Big Mom.
At this point, everybody realized they'd left Zoro in charge of navigating the ship.
"Watcha doin' Zoro?" Nami snuck up behind him.
"Piloting the ship into the most useless place possible."
"Holy shit!" Luffy jumped onto Nami's head, fracturing her skull. "Zoro, you found Raftel!"
"Of course, I knew how to get here all along." He grinned.
Just then, Buggy flew out of a barrel on their ship and landed on Raftel. "Ha, I'm the first pirate to reach Raftel, that makes me the pirate king!"
Luffy cracked his knuckles. "Or I could just kick your ass and we'll pretend that this never happened."
Just then, Brook snuck up behind Buggy. "May I see your panties?"
"Of course." Buggy dropped his trousers. "Isn't it flashy?"
They sat there for three hours as Brook pondered the existence of Buggy's cock.
"How does it work?" he asked.
"Let me show you!" They walked into a nearby cave to have rabid skeleton anal sex, but the cave happened to be Big Mom's mouth, so they died.
"I'm getting pretty sick of Big Mom." Luffy glowered at her. "I think I'm gonna kick her ass, then pray the marines take her away before I have to fight her again.""
"Don't you see Luffy?" Nami stood back up with bandages wrapped around her head. "If you didn't let everybody you ever fought live, then all of us would still be alive."
"Yeah, but this is a kid's show."
"And yet, it portrays slavery, fraud, betrayal, other counts of murder, and racial segregation."
"So?" Luffy put his arms behind his head. "I did all that when I was a kid.""
Nami finally completed having her brain anuerysm after having one too many conversations with Luffy. Her tombstone read. "I like meat." It was written by Luffy.
Big Mom finished eating their entire pirate ship, leaving Luffy, Zoro, Robin, and Franky, stranded on Raftel.
"I really thought Raftel would look more like a raft." Luffy activated basic Anime man gesture number fourty three.
"Perhaps we could make it into one?" Zoro brandished his swords.
"Zoro, have you lost your mind!?"
"Yeah, somewhere in Dressrosa." After realizing this, his body ceased to function, because without a brain, his IQ had been reduced to that of the average Sword Art Online fan.
"I guess we'd better go look for the treasure now." Luffy activated basic Anime gesture number fourty four, which didn't exist, so it just broke his arms off.
They combed the lush green island, filled to the brim with stacks of lewd goat porn magazines, before they stumbled upon a giant red x.
"I found it!" Luffy sprouted new arms, then flung them into the air so hard they detached again.
"I think you mean we found it." Robin chuckled, adding very little to the conversation as usual.
"I'm here too sometimes," said Franky, unsure of his own statement.
Franky began firing up his hefty penis drill when Luffy started digging on his own.
He clasped Robin in his teeth and used her head to shovel dirt out of the ground. The dirt landed on Franky's erect cock.
"Sick, this dirt has AIDS on it." Franky brushed it off. "Good thing I'm a cyborg, so it doesn't affect me." He brushed some more dirt off, revealing a label attached to a glob of it. It read, "Hyper AIDS." Franky's eyes fell out of their sockets. "My one arbitrarily specific weakness. Damn you Mr. Rogers." Franky perished and was soon eaten by wolves, who were then eaten by Big Mom.
Luffy finished digging the hole. "It's beautiful!" he screamed as he pulled out a massive chest, snapping Robin's body in half.
"It's alright, I didn't need that anyway," Robin quietly added.
Just then, Big Mom ate the chest.
Luffy glared at her. "I've had it up to here with you. He had no arms, so he gestured with his dick. It wasn't very high. Big Mom was impressed, so she gobbled up his cock as well.
Big Mom had eaten so much in one day and throughout her entire life. That the ghost of Wilford Brimley descended from the heavens. "You've got type two adult onset diabetes."
"Wha!?" screamed Big Mom, as he injected insulin into her arm.
Unfortunately for Big Mom, the needle also contained fatal levels of autism, causing her to devour herself on the spot.
"Another job well done," he said, as he miraculously saved the chest because there'd be a plot hole otherwise.
"Wait!" Luffy regrew arms to flail them. "Join my crew."
Wilford Brimly turned around. "I'd love to, but both my feet fell off and I'm about to die of cardiac arrest." The cardiac police came to arrest him, but accidentally shot him three hundred and twelve times for ten minutes. His death was later reported as a suicide.
Luffy felt extremely hungry, so he decided to fill his stomach with the remains of Big Mom. As the autism filled his body, he slowly felt...absolutely nothing at all. In fact, the autism inside Big Mom saw Luffy's autism and dedicated the rest of its life to autism prevention.
The large chest with goat porn taped all over it sat on the grassy plains in the center of the island. At last, Luffy had obtained One Piece, the greatest treasure of them all.
He used Robin to pry open the lock, snapping her head off. Robin's corporeal ghost muttered something about not needing to be alive as she drifted down to hell. The place where all the Naruto filler lives.
Luffy peered inside the chest, eyes filled with eager anticipation. Inside of the ultimate treasure chest was...a note reading, "jk lol."
After that day, nobody ever saw Luffy again. And Smoker became the Pirate King somehow. I'll leave you to put that together. Luckily, for everyone who finds the idea of BBQ smokies disgusting, Smoker died of lung cancer shortly after. With his dying breath, he named the new Pirate King.
Tashigi stood by his bedside waiting to hear the announcement. "I think you all know who deserves to replace me. They're someone that's lived in my shadow for far too long."
Tashigi's eyes lit up, today would finally be her chance.
He coughed. "The new Pirate King is...Straw Hat."
Everyone gasped collectively.
"Sorry everyone, force of habit. I know I won't be able to smoke his sweet meat one more time." He closed his eyes. "The real Pirate King is...Foxy the Silver Fox."
Foxy could be heard screaming autistically from half the world away. He'd finally gotten acknowledged by his senpai, Smoker. And after all those years of praying to his closet shrine.
Foxy ruled as Pirate King for two weeks, until the world split in two and everyone died. It seemed that Koby had finished his doomsday device. Except not really, because Koby is useless. Instead, Hachi's takoyaki was so delicious that it ended this fan fic right now.
Fuck you.