Disclaimer: these characters are not mine – they belong to JK Rowling
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Chapter 1 – The Viper Room
"Harry, are you sure about this place?" Hermione said as she let a drunk Harry and Ron pull her inside the dingy ill-lit pub.
"We made a deal…hic…Hermione, that we would have a drink in every pub in Diagon Alley…hic…before the night was through." Harry reasoned.
"'Sides, Mione, it can't be any worse than the Bloody Hogshead…" Ron nodded in agreement with Harry.
"Ron, this place is called the Viper room…maybe we should skip this one" Hermione said as a feeling of dread crept down her spine.
"No problem then, Hermione. I'm a Parselmouth, remember?" Harry laughed drunkenly at her apprehension.
Hermione sighed, knowing there was no way she was going to win this battle with two drunk wizards who were clearly intent on having another drink.
Harry dragged them over to a small table, Hermione noted its state of cleanliness was questionable at best. She could practically feel the germs crawling over her skin already, and she pulled a small bottle of hand sanitizer out of her purse squeezing a drop onto her hands.
"Well, well, well…what have we 'ere" a familiar voice came from behind them.
Fuck.
Hermione turned sharply towards the source of the voice, and met eyes with a smirking Antonin Dolohov who was now flanked by Evan Rosier and Theodore Nott.
"Oh Piss off. I'm off duty, and all I want is a drink. Now, run back to your master and kiss his ass some more and leave us the fuck alone." Harry spat without even looking up for his fire whiskey.
Hermione's eyes bugged out of her head. This wasn't going to end well.
She watched as Dolohov was about to pull out his wand and fling a curse at Harry, when a familiar cane with the head of a cobra shot out in front of him, effectively stilling his movements.
"Ah…Mister Potter…Mister Weasely…and Miss Granger. How surprising it is to see you three here." Lucius Malfoy said silkily with fake sincerity.
"Lucius, you can go eat a bag of dicks. Now if you don't mind…" Harry said nonchalantly before pouring himself another glass of fire whiskey.
"Harry!" Hermione scolded him, appalled at his language as well as the fact that he seemed to not care one whit if a room full of Death Eaters decided to kill them. What in Merlin's Balls had gotten into him?!
Ron snorted into his beer at the look of utter shock on Lucius' face at Harry's insult and clear dismissal.
Hermione felt like she had to do something to try and save their necks. She didn't want to apologize to Death Eaters, but maybe if she sent them a temporary peace offering, they would let them live. Both sides had been fighting against one another for several years now, without any progress being made. All because of a stupid prophecy that she personally felt was utter bullshit anyway. The fighting had become so exhausting to both sides, that at this point, they all just wanted to be able to have a drink in peace. The Death Eaters were just as frustrated with the lack of progress. She had even noticed that some of the Death Eater attacks lately seemed to lack their usual bite, like they just didn't care anymore.
Hermione walked self-consciously up to the bar, and asked that a round of drinks be sent over to the Death Eater's table. She would tell them it was a peace offering, and ask politely, for their sake of all their sanity, if they could just pretend that they didn't exist for the one night.
She saw their drinks being delivered, and she watched as several eyebrows raised when the bartender explained that the lady had bought their drinks.
Hermione swallowed thickly, keeping her hand on her wand in her pocket just in case, and walked resolutely up to the table.
"Good evening, Gentleman. Please accept the drinks on behalf of my companions and I - We didn't intend to disturb you, so we will just finish our drink, and we will be on our way." Hermione offered.
"On the contrary, Miss Granger, you will join us for a drink." Another familiar voice came from directly behind her that made the blood freeze in her veins. Lord Voldemort.
"Oh, I couldn't, Ron and Harry will worry…" Hermione offered with a fake smile, hoping that she was putting up a convincing façade.
"Oh, but I'm afraid I must insist." Voldemort breathed against her neck, making gooseflesh raise on her skin. She felt his long fingers caress the small of her back, and it sent a shiver down her spine.
"Well, alright, I suppose one drink wouldn't hurt." Hermione swallowed trying to keep the fear out of her voice.
He guided her to an open seat at the table, where he pushed down on her shoulder so that she had no choice but to sit, and then he pulled out the chair beside her and elegantly took his own seat. She watched as Voldemort snapped his finger at the bartender, and pointed at Hermione without a word.
To say that she felt awkward was an understatement. The tension at the table was palpable, and she felt like she could cut it with a proverbial knife. Everyone at this table, had at one time or another, tried to kill her, and for all intents and purposes, still wanted her very much dead.
Hermione clasped her hands together in her lap, hoping to hide the fact that they were shaking. She glanced at Voldemort out of the corner of her eye, and his gaze was firmly fixed upon her, as if she were the most interesting thing in the world.
She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, and thanked Merlin when the bartender brought her a glass of fire whiskey.
Before he could walk away, Hermione snatched a hand out, and grabbed the bottle from him, and said in a slightly shaking voice, "I'll just keep the bottle here too, thanks." Then proceeded to down her drink in one gulp.
She heard a deep chuckle next to her and chanced a look at the Dark Lord.
"You know, for a mudblood, you certainly are full of surprises." He said smoothly as he sipped his fire whiskey.
"And for a Dark Lord, you are also quite full of surprises." Hermione shot back at him, pouring herself another drink.
All eyes at the table widened in surprise that she, a lowly mudblood, would dare speak to the Dark Lord in such familiar tones. His lips twitched at her cheek, and he asked, "Oh? How so? Do elaborate, Miss Granger."
Hermione downed her second drink, and turned a bit to face him, "Well, for starters, you are drinking fire whiskey. I would've thought you would be drinking some really expensive elf-made wine or something much more sophisticated than Ogden's finest. Secondly, this place is kind of a shit hole…pardon my French…I wouldn't have expected you to lower your standards to actually grace a place such as this with your almighty presence…" She said the last part with a hint of sarcasm, which she was sure he caught, "And thirdly, you are sitting here, having a drink with a mudblood. What is the world coming to?" She finished and poured herself another drink. She was certain, that at any moment, she would be hit with a well-placed 'Avada Kedavra'.
Instead, he surprised her even further when he actually laughed.
"Miss Granger, I knew you would prove to be entertaining. It pleases me to see that I was right about you."
Hermione raised her glass in a mock salute and held the bottle towards him offering him a refill. An old muggle saying crossed her mind, 'If you can't beat 'em, Join 'em.' She wouldn't be joining their cause anytime soon, but for tonight, since she was apparently stuck in this situation, she had no choice but to go along with it.
It was at that moment that Harry and Ron sauntered up to their table, drunk out of their minds, and Hermione groaned.
"Oh here we go.." she muttered into her glass of fire whiskey.
"What the bloody hell is this?!" Ron slurred gesturing between Hermione and Voldemort, who she had noticed had shifted even closer to her than he had been before.
"Ron, it's nothing, we're just having a drink is all." Hermione stammered trying to diffuse the potentially fatal situation.
She practically jumped out of her skin when she felt Voldemort's arm slither around her waist and pull her against him. What the bloody fuck was he doing?!
"Run along back to mummy, Mister Weasley; Miss Granger is sufficiently capable in making her own decisions on who she keeps company with." He whispered seductively
Wait a minute…seductively?
"She could see Ron's face turning purple, and his hand was twitching at his side. She was mentally willing Ron to use whatever brain cells he still had and walk away before he got them all killed.
Harry, who had been silent up to that point, squinted his eyes at her, completely misreading the situation.
"Let's go, Mate, Hermione's clearly made her choice. I for one, have zero fucks to give at this point."
Hermione inhaled sharply at Harry's accusation that she had chosen to sit there next to the Dark Lord willingly. Was he truly that thick?!
"Harry James Potter, you are an unbelievable prat! If you don't go home and sleep it off right now, I swear to merlin that if they don't hex you, I will." Hermione shouted, her magic crackling around her angrily.
Harry snorted, then grabbed Ron's arm and pulled him out of the pub. They just left her there. with Voldemort. She was going to fucking kill the both of them, if she got out of this alive.
"What a pity. It seems as if your companions have left without you. I daresay it would be rude of me to allow you to leave here tonight unescorted. Knockturn Alley is no place for a woman, especially a mudblood such as yourself." Voldemort whispered silkily in her ear, once again making goosebumps rise on her skin.
"That won't be necessary. I assure you, I'll be quite alright." She sniffed haughtily, choosing to ignore his casual use of the slur she so hated.
"Oh, no, Hermione…I must insist." He breathed against her neck, inhaling her clean scent.
She could feel the hand that had just been on her waist slide lower under the table and run along her thigh. She choked on her fire whiskey, not sure at all what she should do…normally, she would slap or curse any bloke who dared to touch her that way without her consent, but one does not simply go around slapping the Dark Lord, especially not in front of a table full of Death Eaters.
Shit.
Not seeing any other option, she refilled her drink, and downed it in another gulp. She was not nearly drunk enough yet to mentally withstand being fondled by Voldemort in a dirty back-alley pub.
She glanced at him again out of the corner of her eye, and she could see he was smirking at her, daring her to stop him.
When she felt his hand moving dangerously close to her knickers, she slipped a hand under the table and placed her hand over his own in a subtle attempt to stop him for going any further.
"It's getting awfully late, I suppose I should be getting home. Thank you for a…er…lovely evening." She attempted to stand, but he only squeezed his hand on her thigh keeping her firmly in place.
"I think not, Hermione. I've yet to finish my drink." He said smoothly, taking another small sip of fire whiskey.
Hemione sighed, and mentally thought about what she could possibly do to extricate herself from the situation. She couldn't curse him, he was much more powerful than she was, not to mention he had plenty of backup sitting at the same table. She thought for a moment about flirting with Lucius, since anyone of these men were much less dangerous than the one currently tracing small circles on her inner thigh with his thumb. She glanced again at him from beneath her eye lashes and he was staring at her intently, as if she was a juicy piece of steak.
He had to be toying with her, trying to put her off balance. It was working. He couldn't possibly be attracted to her, could he? She was a mudblood, after all, he would never sully himself with the likes of her, surely. It was then, that Hermione recognized the familiar glint in his eyes. Lust. The look he was giving her, as he slowly sipped his fire whiskey, all the while trailing his fingers along the edge of her satin knickers, was unmistakable. She had always viewed him as sort of an 'asexual' being…he had only ever seemed to crave power, and seemed to place himself above such trivial matters as sexual gratification. But, it seemed, as she was quickly finding out, that the Dark Lord was indeed, full of surprises.
She bit the inside of her cheek nervously, as a sudden overpowering curiosity overtook her. She had always been a curious girl by nature, which she supposed is why she read every book she could get her hands on, and seemed to have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Seeing this side of the dark wizard who currently sat beside her, who had for years been such an enigma, intrigued her. She wanted to see how far she could push him.
She took another swig of her Fire whiskey, noting that the other Death Eaters had seemed to lose interest in her by this point, and had fallen into their own conversations, not paying any attention to them. Hermione casually slipped her left hand under the table, and grazed her fingers lightly across his upper leg. She saw his eyes widen momentarily in surprise then flick to her before taking another sip of his drink. Outwardly, he was not showing any reaction to what she had just done, so she decided to take it a step further. Her hand continued up his leg, until she reached the juncture of his thighs, and let out a small gasp of surprise when her hand came in contact with a rather large bulging erection. His eyes once again flicked over to her while he casually swirled his drink around his glass, and smirked at her. She covered her gasp of shock with a small cough, and once again took a sip of her drink before she glanced shyly back over to him to gauge his reaction. Clearly, he was enjoying it, if his huge erection was anything to go by, but aside from his completely relaxed posture, and the small smirk at the corner of his lips, he wasn't making any attempt to stop her. Not only was she surprised that she could ever put the words 'Dark Lord' and 'Erection' into the same sentence, but, even more shocking was how well-endowed he was. She had only ever fooled around with Ron, who unfortunately was not very blessed in that area, until she had met Viktor Krum in her fourth year. She had eventually lost her virginity to Krum the summer before her seventh year, and he was average at best. Voldemort, it seemed, was not even in the same ball park…he was huge.
She had to stifle a snort of laughter when the thought 'now I know where he hides Nagini' popped into her head. Had she been paying attention, she would have noticed that she could suddenly feel a bit of a draft. She realized to her horror that her knickers had suddenly vanished. She only had a moment to register this new development before she felt his long fingers slip between her folds and rub her clit sending a jolt of pleasure along all the nerve endings in her body.
She inhaled sharply and bit her lip to keep from crying out. She would be absolutely mortified if the Death Eaters that currently surrounded her knew that their Lord was fingering her right in front of them at the table. Two could play at this game. Trying to throw him off balance, she slipped her small hand inside his robes to grasp his hard length and begin to slowly stroke it. That finally got a reaction out of him. His nostrils flared and he inhaled sharply at her boldness. In retaliation, he thrust two fingers into her causing her to gasp and bite her lip, while lowering her eyes to the table.
This caught the unwanted attention of Lucius Malfoy. He looked up at her sharply, and then his eyes flicked over to his master, whose attention seemed to be fixated on the little chit. He wondered if Voldemort was using some creative curse of his own invention to cause her pain, because surely, her face could only be grimacing like that if she was in agony…His lip curled in triumph as he felt the mudblood was getting exactly what she deserved.
Hermione began to pump her hand faster in retaliation, hoping that he would cease fingering her if he was having difficulty maintaining control of himself. In response, he curled his fingers slightly inside of her, hitting a spot she didn't even know existed. To her horror, she actually moaned. In her desperation, she recalled a spell that she had once used on Viktor when she wanted to get back at him for trying to feel her up in the library. She whispered the incantation against her right hand, which she brought up to her mouth. She stuck the tip of her thumb nonchalantly in her mouth, and swirled her tongue across the tip. He suddenly choked on his fire whiskey and she could swear she heard him say, 'Fuck' under his breath.
All eyes were on him now, as Dolohov dared to ask him if he was alright. He merely glared at him and told him 'to mind his own fucking business.'
Hermione snickered until she felt the sensation of his tongue lapping at her folds, and she felt a shudder run through her as she squeaked in surprise. She chanced a look in his direction, and watched as his tongue licked a stray bit of fire whiskey from the edge of the glass. So he knew the same spell she did. Touché.
The fact that she was extremely aroused sitting at a table full of Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself, despite her total hatred of said group, did not escape her notice. The realization that she would actually be disappointed if he didn't finish her off made her even more pissed at Harry. How dare he leave her with this kinky pervert.
She noticed in her heightened state of arousal, that Voldemort's glass was finally empty. Good, now maybe he would let her leave.
"Now that you've finished, I'd very much like to leave." She said in a voice that was tinged with barely concealed lust.
"On the contrary, Miss Granger, I've only just begun." He smirked and her eyes slipped shut as she felt his fingers teasing her clit once more. She tried to bite back a groan as he teased her mercilessly under the table, thankfully leaving the rest of them oblivious to what was taking place.
"Since you so graciously offered to escort me, I must insist that you take me home right now." She whispered to him, glaring at him as if to say, 'Either take me home and fuck me already, or cut the shit.'
He raised his brow in silent challenge, and she felt his fingers slip out of her. She had already pulled her hand from his robes when she had noticed his glass was empty and she asked to leave.
"Lucius!" Voldemort suddenly barked, causing the blond man to look up at him sharply afraid he had done something to displease him.
"Yes, my lord" Lucius bowed in a pathetic manner towards the dark man beside her.
"Pay the man. I'll see to Miss Granger, Personally." He said smoothly as he wrapped his long fingers around her upper arm jerking her to her feet. He pulled her roughly against his chest, and smirked down at her before apparating them away.
Hermione knew it was far from over when she saw that they were standing in a large cemetery which quickly doused the lingering arousal she had been feeling, and she suddenly remembered just whose arms she was currently wrapped in.
She looked around the crumbling headstones with distaste, the fire whiskey she had consumed still making her feel bold enough to address him.
"You know, my flat would've been just fine…you don't really expect me to do this here, do you?!" she asked waving her arm at the headstones for emphasis, "I mean, I know you're dark, but this is a bit much..."
He looked at her confused for a moment before he snorted at her with laughter. "Merlin's Beard, girl, this is only an apparition point. My home is over there." And he pointed to where a large estate, which had somewhat fallen into disrepair, sat at the edge of the cemetery.
"Thank Goodness for that" she breathed in relief, and he chuckled darkly at her.
"I wouldn't get quite so comfortable yet, if I were you." He told her pulling her roughly behind him towards the large house. She practically had to jog to keep up with his long strides. Once they reached the house, the wards automatically adjusted to let them in, and then firmly fell back into place once more. She looked around, and took in the tasteful décor of the entrance hall. Judging from the outside, you would never suspect that the house was impeccably clean and orderly, and the décor was tastefully modern. A far cry from the garish décor of Malfoy Manor, which in her opinion was utterly gaudy. . .
"Would you like another drink?..." He asked her awkwardly, and she couldn't hold back a snort at the absurdity of the situation.
"I think I've already had quite enough, thanks." She replied nervously, while he stood looking at her silently. He seemed to be studying her, making her feel like a bug under a microscope. It wasn't until she began to fidget nervously that he finally seemed to make a decision and step towards her.
He pulled her cloak from her shoulders, and tossed it on a nearby divan. Suddenly, without warning, he lifted her the muggle way, as if she weighed no more than a feather, with his arm under her knees while he held her against his chest. She squeaked in surprise when she felt her feet leave the floor, and clutched him tightly around his neck. Without a word, he carried her up the stairs to what she assumed was the Master bedroom. A fire was already crackling in the hearth, and once inside, he set her down gently on her feet. She stood close to him still, taking in his pleasant scent, which was now mingled with a touch of cinnamon from the fire whiskey. He dipped his head down to hers and began kissing her. She never in a million years would ever imagine that Voldemort was a sensual kisser, but once again, he was full of surprises. His tongue twined against hers as his elegant hands slid down her waist.
Hermione was so wrapped up in the kiss, that she screamed and literally climbed him like a tree when she felt something large and heavy slither over her foot.
"What the fuck was that?" she screeched horrified realizing that his goddamn snake, Nagini, was loose in the room somewhere. Hermione was absolutely terrified of snakes. While the rest of wizarding Britain saw the man she had just been snogging as their worst nightmare, Nagini was most definitely hers.
"It's just Nagini, calm yourself." He said in an annoyed tone while trying to untangle her legs from his waist.
"Can you put it outside or something? Oh my god, it touched me!" She shrieked again when she felt the snake curiously attempting to slither up his body to get a better look at the girl in his arms.
She heard him give an annoyed huff, and then hissing sounds came from his mouth in a commanding sort of tone that Hermione thought was the sexiest thing she had ever heard. Ginny had told her once that Harry had begun hissing at her while they were having sex, but she couldn't imagine such a thing being sexy until right now. She watched as the large snake thankfully, slithered out of the room, and the door clicked shut behind it.
Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment when she realized that she had just climbed onto Voldemort's back because she was afraid of his snake. Surely he would crucio the bejesus out of her for that little stunt.
"Sorry! I really don't like snakes." She answered honestly, waiting for him to either curse her with an unforgivable, or throw her out of his house.
Once again, he surprised her and he laughed. "It's funny that you should say that." He chuckled as he brushed a stray curl behind her ear.
"Oh? And why is that?" she asked curiously, starting to feel self-conscious again.
"Because you are about to go to bed with one." He said huskily as he moved towards her once again nipping her neck and slipping his hands under her skirt to cup her bottom, which was bare to him since he had not seen fit to give back her knickers. He moaned against her throat, and she could feel his hardness once more as she pressed against him. His long fingers found the hem of her shirt, and pulled it over her head before making quick work of her bra. She reached back to unzip her skirt, but he stilled her hands and whispered huskily in her ear to 'leave it on'
She felt a rush of wetness between her thighs at his kinky suggestion, and finally, she began to remove his robes. She had been curious as to what he would look like under all that black. He was extremely pale and lean, but well-toned. Before she could remove the black silk pants he was wearing and see the part of him she had already been imtimately acquainted with earlier in the pub, he stilled her hands.
"Go lay on the bed, and spread your legs. I want to watch you pleasure yourself."
It was a command, not a request, and she felt a spark of desire throb between her legs. She had never been creative when it came to sex, especially since she wasn't the most experienced person. She had only ever done it in the missionary position. She certainly had never experimented with bondage or domination before. To her surprise, she liked being told what to do. She was always the one bossing others around, so it actually felt good to have someone firmly take control away from her and tell her what to do for once.
She scooted onto the bed, never tearing her eyes away from his as she lay back in the center, propped up on the pillows. She let her legs fall open, and she bit her lip shyly as she slipped a hand down between her legs and begin to move her fingers over her clit. She mentally debated with herself if she should do it the way porn stars did to look enticing, or like she did it when she was alone. She opted to go the porn star route, since she was sure he didn't have any vibrators lying around. At least she didn't think so…
She watched him through hooded eyes as he stood at the foot of the bed watching her closely, his eyes glittering with undisguised lust. He finally untied the drawstring of his pants and let them fall to the floor.
Her eyes grew wide when she took in the sight of him, her hand stopping its movement while she mentally processed what she was seeing. She had known he was rather large, but, seeing it staring her in the face was a whole other kettle of fish.
"Something wrong?" he questioned before he began to crawl towards her on the bed like a cat stalking its prey.
"No…it's just...it's… big." She admitted sheepishly.
"So I've been told." He said nonchalantly.
Her mouth fell open at his casual admission. Logically, she knew he must've had sex before. It would've been like some cosmic joke if the feared Lord Voldemort was a virgin. Still She didn't exactly want to be reminded in this particular moment that he'd fucked other women.
"Now what?" he asked tersely while taking in her expression.
"How many?" she asked bluntly, not sure where her boldness was suddenly coming from.
"I beg your pardon?" he asked incredulously.
"You heard me. How. Many. Women. Have. You. Fucked." Hermione said slowly annunciating each word. If she was able to do so, she would have crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot waiting for his answer. However, he was currently nestled between her thighs, bracing himself above her and staring down at her angrily.
"I don't see how that is any of your business, but, to be honest, I've lost count." He snapped.
Hermione snorted indelicately, "Typical. You know how many men I've been with?" she said snidely.
"No, but I have the feeling you are going to tell me anyway…" he said mockingly
"Two."
"So I'm lucky number three, then?" he chuckled at her inexperience, though admittedly, he was pleased by it.
"Don't mock me, or you won't be." She threatened. She could still feel his hardness nestled between her legs, and she moaned despite herself when he rubbed it against her, making her back arch up off the bed with need.
"Don't make threats you don't intend to keep." He told her as he continued to rock against her.
She did her best to glare at him, but it was only half-hearted at best since he was providing the most delicious friction on her clit as he rocked against her.
"Enough talk. Turn over and get on your hands and knees." He commanded
She once again felt a rush of wetness at his brusque command, and felt herself complying.
He slid into her from behind and his arm wrapped around her so that his long fingers could tease her while he slammed into her from behind. Hermione never knew sex could feel like this; he was hitting spots inside her that she didn't even know she had, and she could already feel her orgasm building slowly getting stronger and stronger with every thrust of his hips and every stroke of his fingers. Before long, she cried out feeling her muscles clench around him in release. She heard him grunt before his thrusts became more erratic until he finally pulled out of her and she felt something warm and wet land on her behind.
"What was that?! Did you just do what I think you did?" she shrieked turning hear head to look behind her.
'What?" He said not understanding what her problem was.
"Did you just…come on me?" She asked him, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment.
"Where else would I come?" he shrugged. Merlin this witch was something else.
"I don't know, on the bed, or something? A tissue, maybe?" she offered
"I have to sleep here, you know." He said like it was the most obvious reason in the world. Who cares about her, as long as the bed was clean.
"Well, can you...erm…wipe it off?" He just looked at her lifted a brow.
"You can use the shower, if you like." Was all he said as he stretched back in the bed, folding his hands behind his head.
Hermione huffed in annoyance and tried to gracefully scoot off of the bed without making his cum get all over everything. As she made to lean back up, a treacherous sound erupted from her vagina causing her to freeze and make her want to die of embarrassment. She had just queefed in front of Lord Voldemort.
"Did you just…" he started to say, his eyes wide in shock
"Shut up!" Hermione snapped and buried her face back in the sheets of his bed.
"Was that what I think it was?" he started to laugh at her obvious discomfort.
"No, it wasn't! Don't say another word!" she shrieked.
She scooted off the bed the rest of the way and sprinted to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. She could still hear him laughing, and she just wanted the floor to swallow her up. She was even thinking about casting the killing curse on herself just to be free of this utter humiliation.
Could this night seriously get any worse? First he makes her join them for a drink, then Harry and Ron ditch her leaving her with him, then he decides to finger her practically in front of his lackys, then she gets assaulted by his snake (in more ways then one) then after having, admittedly, mind blowing sex, she queefed in front of the fucking Dark Lord. She could already imagine him relaying the story to Lucius at their next Death Eater Revel.
Harry may be the 'Boy who Lived', but she would now forever be known as 'The Girl who Queefed.'
After she finally managed to get herself under some semblance of control, and had quickly showered, she reluctantly made her way back to his bedroom. She felt like she was walking to her own execution. He was still lying in bed, and when she entered the room, he looked over at her expressionlessly and blinked before he once again snorted in laughter quite against his will. He liked to think he was always in total control over himself, but between the memory of what happened, her reaction to it, and the look of mortification still on her face, he couldn't contain himself.
She took a deep breath and put her hands on her hips, giving him her best glare, but that only made him laugh harder at her.
"You better not tell anyone about this." She spat.
"I'm not sure I could if I tried." He said trying to control his breathing while trying to stop laughing.
"Look, I don't know how this night could possibly get any more awkward, so I'm just going to go…" She said looking anywhere but at him.
"I didn't dismiss you." He said finally getting his carefully crafted control back into place
"Why on earth would you want me to stay? You've already gotten what you wanted, and I have now so thoroughly embarrassed myself I daresay, nothing could make it worse. And to top it all off, I'm a mudblood, remember?" She said sarcastically, becoming exasperated with his games.
He frowned at her. She truly was unpredictable, which is what he liked about her. True, she was a mudblood, which was admittedly, unfortunate, but, he would be willing to overlook that small detail because of her fiery personality. He liked that she didn't seem fearful of him, and that she was intelligent, and bold, and he definitely found her attractive. Also, quite without his consent, she made him laugh. He hadn't laughed like that in well…years. The last time he'd found anything even remotely that funny, had been years ago when Lucius bent so far forward trying to bow down to him that he split his pants. Now that had been funny.
"I find you to be quite pleasurable to be around." He said smoothly, folding his arms over his chest.
"Well considering you just Fuc…" she began before he cut her off sharply
"No, that's not what I was referring to. Although, I must confess, I thoroughly enjoyed that part." He said smirking at her once more.
"So what am I to be, then, the court jester?" she said mockingly
"Watch your cheek." He said sternly before speaking once more.
"I simply meant exactly what I said. I find being around you enjoyable. Take that to mean however you will. Why must women always look for hidden meanings?" he said with a hint of exasperation in his voice.
"Well, when a woman is dealing with a sneaky Slytherin, can you blame her?" she joked smirking back at him.
He smirked at her jibe, knowing she hadn't truly meant it as an insult, correcting her slightly, "Not a Slytherin, The Slytherin." before he beckoned her to come to him.
"Come here." He commanded, and she instantly obeyed.
He pulled the towel from around her torso that had been hiding her naked body from his eyes, and he grabbed her hair roughly before he pulled her down capture her lips in a kiss. While he continued to kiss her, his hand let go of her hair and slid over her neck and down her chest between her breasts to the juncture of her thighs. She was already wet for him again. He pulled aside the covers and urged her to climb on top of him so that she was straddling his lap. She sank down onto his hardness, trying yet another new position she had never done before. He was leaning back against the headboard, grasping her hips tightly as she rode him. She didn't know what to do with her hands at first, so she had grasped his shoulders for support. She felt the familiar delicious friction building up once again in her belly, her eyes slipped shut, and she let go of his shoulders to run her hands along her breasts teasing her nipples as she began to clench around him as he orgasm took hold. He began to hiss in Parseltongue as he watched her come apart in his lap. This time, he found his release inside of her before she moved off of him to lay beside him in the bed.
"How often does that happen?" she asked him with a smirk
"What?" he asked tiredly
"You were hissing at me." She chuckled.
"I wasn't aware." He mumbled. Was he embarrassed?
"It was actually…kind of sexy." She admitted, a blush coloring her cheeks
He looked up at her and smirked, "Says the girl who doesn't like snakes."
"Maybe they're growing on me." She retorted before she curled up next to him and fell asleep.
~~{0}~~
AN: Poor Hermione…*cackles evilly* There is one more chapter to this story, since the intent was to make this just a 2 part short story. There aren't nearly enough stories poking fun at our favorite couple (well, I actually lean more towards Tomoine, but for the purposes of this story, I thought it would be so much more awkward and funny if he was actually Lord Voldemort. ) Anyway, I love to hear reviews! Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this travesty, and at least, I hope it made you laugh and brighten your day. I know laughed so hard, I may have peed a little.