Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam
I was alone again. Everyone else was off doing their own thing. No matter. I'm use to it by now.
Leaning against the window in the front room, I watched as the rain fell and the wind pulsed through the trees. For some reason the dark clouds rolling across the sky today dampened my mood more then usual. Don't get me wrong, I love the rain. I love weather in general. It flows around us making us feel. It makes me feel alive... but today, today it made me feel alone. Utterly alone.
Sighing, I left me cold sanctuary and wandered into the kitchen. Noticing the large pile of dishes left over from the last meal we all ate together; I decided to be of some use. Reaching for the dish towel and swinging it over my shoulder I turn the water on and begin the process of dispensing the stuck on food.
Time passes and I am lulled into a soft swaying motion from the rhythmic beat of the rain against the far window. Looking at the growing stack of now clean dishes I debate for a moment if I should start putting some away before I finish the rest. Without even mentally making the choice, my body moves on it's on. In seconds I am drying and placing dishes in the cupboard.
As soon as that is done, I return to the sink and the remaining duty dishes. As I am reaching for the next pot I see it sparkle. The butcher knife that Quatre had used to cute the chicken sits on the bottom of the sink stuck under some plates and silverware. Rinsing off the pot in my hands, I reach skillfully through the obstacles to get the object that caught my eye. Gingerly gripping the handle, I pull it out.
I can't help but stare at it as I turn it over in my hands. Taking in a breath I try to understand the significance of why this one item would strike me as it has. "No!" I whisper strongly to myself and place it on the counter.
I grab a plate a little too harshly and almost loose my grip on it. Looking down at my hands I realize I am shaking. 'Why?' is all the thought that runs through my head. I am trying to avoid it. I am trying to pretend it never happened... too bad I can't even convince myself. Chuckling lightly I set the plate aside and grab a few utensils. Scrubbing each one completely, I glance over to the knife. It's still dirty.
Putting the now clean utensils down as slowly as possible, I try to make the noise minimal. Against contrary belief, I don't hate silence. I just don't like how open it leaves me to be asked uncomfortable questions. I'd rather not talk about myself. I just like hearing from other people. About their lives, their fun experiences, and anything else they are willing to share. It is a much happier subject then anything involving myself...
Coming back from out of my destructive thoughts, I realize that I have been staring at the knife this whole time. My hand reaches out and I slowly place a finger on the clouded blade.
Jumping to the sound of the front door being blown open, I retract my hand and turn towards the doorway to see what happened. Hearing loud steps and a grumble I smile as Wufei walked past soaking wet. I can't help but call out, "Forget your umbrella Wuffers?" I hear him angrily grumble as he stomps up the stairs and most likely to his room, my eyes following his movements.
A door closed up above and looking back to the door frame I caught a glimpse of Trowa as he nodded and took his leave as well. They must have gotten stuck in the rain while they were out doing... What were they doing again? Shrugging I turned back to the dishes as I hear Quatre rush past apologizing for leaving the dishes behind and then yelling to Trowa to turn on the hot water. A smile graces my lips for a brief moment as the front door finally closes.
My hand picks the knife back up and I catch myself staring at it once again until there is a soft rustling coming from behind me.
"Duo?" My name is almost whispered out of his mouth.
Putting on my best smile I grab the rag and run it over the knife as I turn slightly to him. "Need something Heero?"
Our eyes meet and he stares at me for a moment as if he is trying to figure out something. Oh god! Can he see through me? Oh my god! 'Please just go Heero. Don't ask me anything, just go' I find myself thinking profusely.
I open my mouth to speak again but am silenced when I see the corner of his lip turn up slightly. Laughing I place the rag and knife in one hand and I take a step towards him to push him back with the other. "I won't feed anyone who leaves a water trail in the kitchen!" Sticking my tongue out at him for a brief moment before softening my expression and speaking in a gentler tone, "I can make you something if you're hungry."
Heero shoke his head once and then backs up past the doorway. "Thank you for doing that Duo. It was my turn tonight. I will take yours tomorrow."
I nod in agreement and turn back to the sink not waiting for him to leave. Scrubbing the knife briskly, I wait for the sound of him leaving until I turn the faucet back on to rinse off the suds.
I hear him trod up the stairs and then find myself drawn back to the knife. The light in the kitchen now shines off the blade. Grabbing the towel from my shoulder I slowly drag it over the long blade.
The next thing I know I have the sharp end of the blade sitting against my forearm. Taking in a breath, I prepare to bring the knife down. Just as I apply pressure I hear someone coming down the stairs. I turn the blade flat against my skin and turn swiftly to the door accidentally dragging the blade down my arm.
Turning back in alarm, I eye my skin. There is a long scratch mark, but no blood. I sighed heavily as if I had been holding my breath forever and whispered, "Good."
Waiting in silence for whoever it was that rushed down the stairs to make a move, I place the cool steel against my skin yet again. Only this time it is flush with it.
To my surprise, whoever it was that came down stairs had run back up just as quickly. 'Probably looking for a spare towel.' I grin to myself.
Dragging the blade across my skin once more, I paused to look at what I had done. No blood, just scratched the surface. Funny... it feels the same, but there isn't much proof that it occurred. I grinned to myself as I understood that by tomorrow the marks would be completely gone. With that in mind I couldn't help but to do it again, and again, and again...
A loud bang brought me back to reality and to the fact that I now had twenty some odd amount of marks on my arm.
Fuck! What if they see it? It's all red and irritated. What if someone sees when I move or reach for something or...
My train of thought came to a halt when I caught sight of my pushed up sleeves. 'Look stupid! You're wearing a long sleeve shirt! No one will see. Just pull them down' I spoke to myself in my mind as if there were someone else to respond. Damn! I really am getting lonely. Talking to myself… Yeah that's good company!
Another loud bang came from upstairs. God! What are they doing? Scratch that, I don't think I want to know.
Washing the knife yet again, I finally release my hold on it. I hurriedly finish the rest of the dishes before anyone has the opportunity to come down and catch me in the act of daydreaming.
Drying the dishes and putting them all back in their own homes; I grace the knife with a small smile as I close it in its drawer.
Pulling down my sleeves and placing the towel on the counter I finally leave the kitchen. There is too much calling to me there.
Walking up the stairs I finally come to grips with how tired I really am. I haven't slept well for days, but I do my best from waking the others. Heero and I share a room and I really don't want to disturb him with my nightmares so often times I find myself awake for the remainder of the night and staring at the ceiling.
Tonight I think I will try to catch up with that.
Walking into our room I spot Heero sitting on his bed reading. He glances up momentarily and then returns back to his book. Nodding, I cross the space to my side of the room. Grabbing some clothes I decide to take a shower before bed.
Heading down the hall I succeed in avoiding everyone else. My shower is quick. After drying off and braiding my hair I slip on the clean clothes. Before I leave the room I pull back my sleeve to see the damage. My arm stings but I feel good. Gently running my fingers over the raised marks I close my eyes and smile.
If I only found a release for a moment, at least it was something. For now it will be enough.
Opening my eyes I clasp my hand over the marks and frown at my reflection in the mirror before asking myself, 'But what will it be next time? How severe will I let it get? Will I start to do it again?'
Turning away from the mirror in front of me, I roughly pull down my sleeve and leave the bathroom. Heading back to my bed I quietly close the bedroom door behind me. I can feel Heero's eyes on me, but I don't turn to him. I only offer an answer as I crawl into bed and pull the covers up around me. "I'm tired. Going to bed early. Don't worry about the light, it doesn't bother me."
I closed my eyes tightly hoping against all odds that he would remain quite and ignore me. Instead I hear a rustling before the light went out and the sound of sheets across the room being moved was made.
Rotating to see what Heero was doing, I was touched to see him lying in his bed facing me from afar. "I'm tired too." he replied softly.
I was dumbfounded! Normally he made a fuss or just left the room. Why would he do that? I smiled to myself and remembered that he had a long day today and he probably was tired. "Thanks." I mumble out meekly.
"Good night Duo." he whispered back.
"Night Heero." I respond in a soft breath before turning back over and pulling myself into a tight little ball. I fall asleep to the sound of his steady breathing, the rain softly tapping the window, and my mind repeating over and over, 'Everything will turn out alright'.
My bed shifts and I am instantly aware of my surroundings. Remaining still, I wait for my eyes to focus properly on the intruder...
"Heero? What are you doing?" I choke out trying to slow my rapidly beating heart.
"Couldn't sleep." He says simply as if that satisfies all the questions floating through my head. "I wanted company."
Before I can even protest, not that I really would, he was pushing me over and lying down beside me.
My mind is going into overdrive. What the hell was happening?
He touches my face and looks timid in the dark with only the faint light coming in our room through the window. "Is that okay?" He asks hesitantly.
"Sure" I smile gently at him and try to get comfortable again.
The more I try to move away and give him space, the closer he seems to be getting to me. Dropping his hand to my chest, he moves his head to accompany it. "Is this okay?" he asks quietly.
"Sure buddy." I can't think of anything to say to him. He must have had a nightmare. I almost broke out into laughter but managed to contain my entertainment. Heero never had nightmares! And if he did, he always did a damn good job at hiding them. What would cause him to do this?
I am distracted as he slides his hand off my chest and to my far arm. Wait... what is he doing? My head is spinning again at a thousand miles a minute.
Grasping hold of my arm, he gently lifts it to my stomach where he places it in front of his face. Adjusting a little he uses his other hand to pull up my shirt sleeve.
Once my pale forearm is uncovered he fingers the skin tenderly before leaning his head down slightly and kissing the smooth flesh. "Duo, I need you" he whispers his confession.
My heart skips for a moment before a sickening feeling passes over me. Something isn't right. What was going on?
Sitting up slightly I lifted my arm into my field of vision. Something was wrong... what was missing?
A sudden flash of a steel blade against my skin reminded me of what I was lacking...
"Duo?" My head darted in his direction as Heero asked with a start.
I was sitting up. What happened? I must have woken myself up...
Chuckling lightly I run a hand through my bangs and look away. "Sorry. It's nothing. Just another nightmare. Go back to sleep."
He nodded slightly and lay back on his bed. Taking a deep breath, I lay back as well, mumbling quietly to myself, "Just another nightmare."
After staring at the ceiling for a while I had assumed Heero had gone to sleep, but I was quickly mistaken when he asked out of nowhere, "Why do you keep hurting yourself?"
Turning my back to him I reach out for the wall running my fingers over the slightly cold surface. "What are you talking about?" I tried to sound cheery like normal, but I'm starting to loose my fight when it's with him. I just can't pretend anymore. I don't want to pretend anymore, but-
I am drawn out of my thoughts quickly when he sits on the edge of my bed and leans over me in a fast but fluid motion grabbing my arm and pulling up my sleeve. "Don't lie to me" He grinds out as he catches my sight. "Why Duo? I thought everything was better..."
I crush my eyes closed and turn my head from him. That's about all I can do seeing as how he has me pretty well pinned.
He doesn't move but waits patiently for my response. Sighing out loud I finally give up. "You wouldn't understand." I whisper to him.
"You won't let me." he responds in the same whispered tone loosening his hold on me.
I can't say anything for fear of making a fool of myself or driving myself crazy. I was handling this on my own. I don't need his, or anyone's interference! I am fine on my own! I am... but I don't want to be alone…
Before I can stumble over my next words he is gone and back on his side of the room. God... I can't do this right now! I'm just going to let it go. Maybe he will too. You never know, I might get lucky.
Subconsciously I pull my sleeve back down after looking at my forearm. The marks are still present.
Smiling to myself I enter into another restless slumber...
TBC?
Let me know if it is worth continuing. Thanks for your time!