A/N:
BEFORE your start, you should know:
-I've set this right after Ichiru's death. You can assume canonical events up until then if you want, but considering how this is an entirely different plot line, it may be easier to read this like an AU.
-Characters are influenced by the impressions I get from other fics and my own head rather than strictly from the manga or anime, so if they're OC, I'm sorry!
Ok, NOW you may enjoy! ^^
Chapter 1: We Carry Ourselves like Atlas
Zero presses his cheek against the windowpane. The sharp sting of the cold glass comforts him. It soothes his feverish skin.
He breathes in softly.
An uncomfortable heat flares out underneath his skin again, burning through in dark red flames. His stomach roils in agitation, knotted with nausea and hunger. His throat is parched, and his mouth tastes like dry cotton.
He ignores it. It's not food that his body wants.
It never is.
He can feel the bloodthirst twisting all of his nerves, straining them and pulling them every which way like a sadistic puppeteer until he feels restless and uneasy.
Zero scoffs because isn't that sad? That he cannot even call his own body his own anymore?
He knows if he concentrates, he can hear the rhythmic beating of his heartbeat thundering through the still air, pulsing in his ears, drumming in time with all the other heartbeats in the building.
It is a siren's song inscribed in blood and sin.
His entire body pulses with hunger and pure need. His muscles tense and it is far too easy to listen to the siren who can only murmur and whisper two words over and over again.
Want. Devour. Want. Devour.
Zero closes his eyes at the thought. It is a predator's way of thinking. A monster's.
It reminds him just how far away he is from being human.
It hurts to resist, but the pain is familiar and he has gone longer without blood before. Zero breathes in deeply and represses the bloodthirst by pure will.
Zero settles himself against the wall and continues to stare out the window. He sits on the thin ledge at the bottom of the window that he can barely fit his body on. It is not supposed to be a window seat, but beggars cannot be choosers.
It is raining outside. Teardrops dot the glass, and a slate grey paints the sky with its heavy rainclouds. The soft pitter patter somehow swallows the usual noise in the building.
He can't hear the usual random door slamming, the scrape of a desk and a chair, the loud obnoxious laughter echoing through the hallways.
Everything is quiet.
There's a tangible silence in the room that settles and slumps down over everything like thick velvet. The only thing he hears are his own thoughts fluttering around listlessly like moths beating their paper thin wings. They swarm through his mind and leave behind imprints of the nightmare he just woke up from.
It is the same dream that haunts him for the past week now. Zero swallows and looks down at his hands. They still tremble and he clenches them shut, not wanting to see them anymore.
Unbidden, the snapshots from his nightmare unfurl before his eyes like a macabre movie film.
Crimson.
Crimson dripping from his hands, seeping into the fine lines of his skin, staining them forever and ever.
Crimson pouring on the ground. Isuka, his brother, his twin, his family. Looking at him with resentment and hatred.
Cold eyes. Cold smirk.
Shizuka staring back at him, cruel and beautiful and melancholy. The one who killed his family and ruined his life. She explains why, but the words tumble down into the pool of blood in his dream.
Crimson on the ground. Crimson pooling from his brother's lifeless body. Crimson on his hands, his shirt, his face, his lips, and his tongue.
Zero swallows.
It's fucked up.
He tenses and runs a hand shakily through his hair because god, everything's so fucked up. He does not even have the luxury of pretending that the nightmare will soon dissipate, forgotten and obscure like how all dreams fade.
No.
This will haunt him forever.
It's not a nightmare. It's the warped state of his reality right now.
He hates it. Hates how everything has come to this.
Zero bites his lip harshly and clenches his fist as he aches under a wave of helplessness and desperation.
Right now, usually in this state, he would be patrolling outside again, maybe even wander into the town and encounter some Level E's, desperate for an abstract target to direct the anger and destruction that vibrates in him.
Huh. Doesn't that say something about him? That to distract himself from the blood and death that drowns him, he charges headfirst into another bloodbath?
Zero takes a shuddering breath.
Damn, he no longer even knows what he's angry at anymore.
It was so easy before to blame the entire vampire race for all of the destruction and death in his life. After all, it was a vampire who killed his family. It were mindless level Es who rampaged through towns, leaving death and devastation in their wake.
He should know. He's a vampire himself.
As much it kills him to ever admit or accept it.
But with what happened with Ichiru reminds him that nothing is black and white. And deep down inside, Zero has always known that.
He knows because how could he not?
The scene replays in his head every day, as vivid as when he saw it the first time that day. He knows that Shizuka would have continued her vendetta against his parents regardless of what would happen.
But he also knows that Ichiru was the one who asked her to, who let her inside their home, who agreed with her plan.
Zero swallows hard again.
He never realized that Ichiru was so unhappy that he thought the only way to escape was to erase his family. Zero knows because of his frailer body, Ichiru often questioned his place in the family and his own existence. But Zero never saw it that way. Ichiru was his brother, no more no less.
He loved him.
Why wasn't that enough? Shouldn't it have been? Is he selfish for thinking that?
Zero blinks back the burn of his eyelids, and tries to take in another deep breath to settle himself but he can feel himself already breaking down.
It hurts.
His chest aches.
He never expected it.
Maybe Zero should have. Should have realized that his brother was suffering alone.
He feels like he failed his duty as an older brother. But then he remembers the coldness in Ichiru's eyes, the misplaced hatred and resentment that Ichiru could not let go of, and he thinks maybe they both were doomed and broken from the start.
Having to kill him was the only thing Zero could have done. Zero knew it the moment he looked into Ichiru's eyes.
He laughs bitterly. Full circle gone around, that is what this is. It chafes him how everything in his life seems like some twisted drama that fate viciously penned for him.
With Ichiru gone, he truly no longer has any family on this earth. Shizuka's dead; Kuran saw to that. And it's not like he could ever exterminate the entire Level E population.
When he reaches for the familiar blazing anger and vengeance that carried him through all these years, all Zero feels now is the exhaustion and pain that smothers and suffocates him like ash settling in his lungs.
He's tired of the death that surrounds him, the death that he causes. He thinks maybe by now, death is yet another stain on his skin, black ink dripping into the crimson that's already there.
Nothing anchors him, and he thinks he's drowning deep under the colors.
What is he even pursuing now? What does he want? Who is he doing it for?
It's not himself, that's for sure.
It can't be, because he can't stand the person he's become.
Yuki's face flits through him. A pained smile crosses his lips. Yuki's probably the only one to truly mourn if he disappeared. Maybe Cross as well.
Yuki's too naïve and innocent though, and he can't help but fear ruining that the longer he stays with her.
He squeezes his eyes shut. God, he already bit her before, more than once.
Self-hatred claws into him every time he reminds himself of that.
How can Zero protect her when he's the most dangerous threat to her?
Yuki, for some unfathomable reason, might still trust him, but he no longer trusts himself.
So no, he's not still here for Yuki, not when it would be safer for her to forget and abandon him.
Zero drags a hand down his face. He feels worn out. Exhausted.
He's tired of feeling this pain that threatens to eat him alive. Tired of the bloodthirst that he abhors, resents but always succumbs to.
He hates himself for being so weak.
Zero sighs heavily and pulls out the Bloody Rose and feels the heavy, cold weight pressing into his palm. He traces the familiar metal engravings absentmindedly before he stares out the window again.
He suddenly recalls a legend about a man holding the heavens up on his shoulders. His mind chugs through the foggy history lectures before it conjures up the name. Atlas.
Atlas, doomed to hold the entire world for all eternity.
It's a legend, a folklore, a fantasy. He knows that, but Zero cannot help but wonder how Atlas could find the strength to ever do that and why he never just gave up and accepted his miserable fate.
Because Zero can barely breathe from the pain and regret and grief that bears down heavily on him.
He feels completely drained inside. Everything he gives is swallowed by the pain, the self-resentment until he runs out of things to give and the only monster he sees is the one in the mirror.
It leaves him numb and somehow the numbness slices him deeper to the bone than any blade ever could. It scrapes his insides and leaves him raw and empty and lost.
And as his fingers tighten on the gun, Zero can't help but feel that he can't endure anymore, that he's not sure he even wants to.
Is this what Atlas felt too?
Kaname narrows his eyes at his desk. Irritation and anger streaks through his veins. His fingers twitch with the overwhelming urge to sweep the papers off the desk. He restrains himself though and instead settles for slapping the manila envelope over them.
His jaw tightens and he leans back in the leather chair.
As always, the council proves insufferable.
Kaname frowns. He knew and expected the council to predictably grow alarmed over Shizuka's death. A death of any pureblood is always cause for concern.
He, however, does not expect the council to declare an impending investigation. With the excuse that to "ensure your own esteemed safety as well as that of the general vampire populace, the council dutifully will investigate this matter in a thorough and precise manner."
The ploy fails to deceive him. Kaname knows that it's the council roundabout way to hint that they do not trust him.
Or to be more accurate, it is Ichiou and his loyal allies that do not trust him. The others, for the most part, accepted the conclusion that Zero was the one who killed Shizuka, especially after understanding that Ichiru also died that night.
Kaname taps his fingers impatiently on the envelope. The investigation is not particularly a pressing matter. He is more than adept in twisting the spider web that is vampire politics to his advantage, after all.
No, what annoys him is that the council is utilizing the investigation as justification for visiting the school in three more days.
The council most likely wants to know why Shizuka appeared in the academy in the first place.
The thought makes him feel uneasy and worried.
The council's interference might inadvertently draw attention to Yuki and expose her true identity.
Kaname glances at the envelope grimly. That is a risk he cannot afford or tolerate.
Yuki's safety means everything to him, and Kaname would do everything he could to protect her.
He rubs his temples tiredly.
In hindsight, this is his fault. Perhaps he should not have killed Shizuka so recklessly.
His mind races through the possible methods and scenarios that could have taken place instead, and ultimately concludes that no, it is the right choice.
She was going to target Yuki. Eliminating her was the only way to keep Yuki safe.
Kaname sighs heavily.
How many times has he uttered that phrase when thinking about his actions?
Each time, it feels less like a rationale and more like a desperate self-reassurance.
If he is doing the right thing, then why does he keep doing that? Why does he keep feeling a nagging sense of despair and self-doubt that hounds him?
Kaname closes his eyes. He loathes to admit it because the implications terrify him.
But deep down inside, Kaname is always aware of the fear that every precaution, every step he takes will only prolong the inevitable and end up endangering Yuki in the long run.
That all the strategies and pieces he places on the chessboard will do nothing to avoid his opponents' own devious traps and schemes.
He tampers down the desperateness and dread that swells up in dark waves.
He has a plan. He does.
And that should reassure him because it's important more than ever for him to stay level-headed. There is so much at stake-he has so much to lose- but it only makes him feel constantly apprehensive and anxious.
Kaname thinks that he's starting to lose sight of the endgame.
It's harder to stay calm and sure when he suspects that his own mistakes and flaws are what's ensnaring him, backing him against the wall in frustration.
Kaname swallows. He does not want to admit-refuses to-, but he thinks sometimes he's playing against himself.
That his greatest opponent is and has always been himself.
That his own decisions and actions will cause his own downfall.
It terrifies him.
Because he doesn't think he knows himself anymore, not enough to chase to away his self-doubt.
Actors can lose themselves in their roles, don't they? Does that apply to him?
Has he abandoned a part of himself on the stage?
To the council, he is undoubtedly a formidable opponent. A pureblood of strong lineage and unspeakable power with as many convoluted plans as they do. Cold and untouchable.
It's a role Kaname needs to survive and fend off the vultures that are all too eager to tear him apart the minute he is weak and vulnerable.
To Takuma and the others, he presents the perfect image of a composed and strong leader. They trust him so blindingly that Kaname feels uneasy with their devotion sometimes.
He is far from perfect and pristine. He knows he's selfish and merciless to get the things he want. There is far too much blood on his hands and too many of his secrets are shrouded in darkness and regret.
To Yuki…
It's more complicated and he is uncertain where he stands with her anymore. Before, Kaname thinks she viewed him as the perfect gentleman, kind and gentle. It's what she would prefer, what she would feel more at ease with. And truthfully, he's not opposed to it.
It's what Kaname would like to be for her, and he never has forced the affection and love that Kaname feels for her.
Never.
She's the only one he truly cherishes in this world, after all.
Now…Yuki's more distant with him, careful. He does not think she's terrified of him or that she no longer cares for him. Or at least, Kaname desperately hopes not.
But there's a more tangible barrier between them.
And he's more consciously aware of her reactions more than ever and of how frequently he adjusts himself accordingly. He is deathly afraid to dispel her already shattered idealized view of him.
In hindsight, this is a good thing because it keeps her safer. If Yuki feels more uneasy about him and vampires in general, it solidifies her identity as a human and forces her to be more cautious at the academy.
Kaname knows it is most likely due to Yuki's memory loss, but the rejection still hurts. He cannot help but sense that there's already something irreparable in their relationship even if she does remember everything in the future.
No matter what he does, she feels more and more unattainable to him.
Kaname is well aware of how ironic it is. That he craves the closeness and freedom he felt with Yuki when they were kids. That he would do anything for her to be that open and comfortable with him again. That he wants her to be herself with him and yet he is equally unable to be himself with her either.
Kaname exhales slowly.
He feels oddly detached from all the personas he carries. Perhaps those truly are the various sides to him, or perhaps he lost himself already in the charade. Perhaps it's both.
His shrewd and calculative nature is so deeply ingrained in him that it defines him. But Kaname thinks faintly that there must have been a time when he did not view the world so jadedly. A time when life did not seem like an exhausting, endless game of chess with an invisible opponent.
Kaname swallows.
A time when he would have hesitated more, when he was much more conscious of his own morals. These days Kaname finds himself all too readily crossing the black and white lines, and all too soon, the world seems less defined and more like a dark ambiguous smudge of charcoal.
It unsettles him when Kaname realizes that he never reflects on that. More when Kaname thinks he no longer knows how to stop himself.
Ominously, Shizuka's last words echo through his mind. Choosing a dark fate for himself.
Perhaps and perhaps not. Either way, it is a belated warning. He cannot turn back now.
"Kaname?"
Too immersed in his thoughts, it takes a minute before Kaname registers the call. He blinks his eyes open and glances towards the door. Takuma looks concerned, and he has the door opened halfway as if not to disturb him.
Takuma says lightly though, "I knocked, but you did not answer."
"I apologize. I suppose I was reflecting too much."
Takuma looks at him searchingly at that answer. "Is there anything wrong?"
"No. Nothing you should worry about."
Takuma's earnest green eyes survey him warily. Kaname can tell that Takuma does not believe him, but he does not push the issue and merely offers, "Please remember that I'm always here if you need anything."
Kaname nods and smiles slightly at that. "Did something come up?"
Takuma hesitates before he says carefully, "Yuki is here. She wants to see you."
Kaname immediately straightens. He repeats, "Yuki is here?"
His mind whirs through a list of possible reasons for why on earth she would go to the Moon Dorm at this hour in the rain. None of them are particularly good.
Takuma adds reassuringly, "She's safe. She's not injured or anything. She just…looks worried? I led her to the private study, so no one will bother her either while waiting."
"Thank you, Takuma." As always, Kaname is reminded of how reliable and trustworthy Takuma is and he nods his gratitude.
Takuma smiles before Kaname leaves out the door and strides quickly towards the study.
He opens the door and sees Yuki staring at one of the paintings in curiosity. She has on a pale blue raincoat that's still speckled with raindrops. She must have come straight from the rain then.
"Yuki. Why are you here?"
Yuki immediately startles and spins around. She looks immediately chastised, and he knows his voice probably came out harsher than he intended. Kaname cannot help his disapproval though.
It's a terrible idea for Yuki to come here. Not in light of recent events. And especially not with the council's visit looming ahead either.
Yuki blushes. "I'm sorry. I know it's a bad idea, but I had to ask you something. I'm sorry."
Kaname sighs and softens his tone. "I'm not angry. I just want to see you safe."
He gestures to the window and keeps his voice light, "It's raining as well. Walking alone in this weather is unwise, Yuki."
Yuki relaxes a little at his tone and smiles. "It's ok. Yori-chan walked with me over here, and it's not evening yet. She'll come get me in a few minutes."
That honestly does not reassure him because all it indicates is there are two girls wandering around the Moon Dorm. Kaname bites his tongue though and instead asks, "Where is Zero?"
If Zero accompanied them over here, Kaname would feel slightly better about the whole situation. Actually, knowing the hunter's nature, the two should not have been able to walk over here in the first place.
He frowns when Yuki immediately fidgets at his question. "Is there something wrong?"
Yuki hesitates and bites her lips before she crumbles under his critical stare and blurts out, "Have you talked to Zero lately?"
Lately? This past week, he's been thoroughly preoccupied with handling the aftermath of Shizuka's death. Did something happen that Kaname is not aware of?
He replies warily, "No. Did something happen to him?"
A crestfallen expression crosses her face briefly. "I figured. You-you have not been attending school either."
"Either?"
"Zero has not been going to school either." Yuki fidgets again. "It's kind of why I'm here. I think something's wrong."
Kaname raises an eyebrow. To be frank, he's very much still stressed from his earlier introspection, and Yuki walking all the way over here because of the hunter does nothing to improve his mood.
However, Kaname takes in Yuki's wide, worried eyes and says carefully, "Yuki…considering the recent events, it's understandable if school is not a top priority for him right now."
Yuki pauses and takes in his words, eyes creasing in contemplation before she murmurs, "I know. But…But he's upset."
Kaname hesitates. He does not want to sound insensitive, but a week seems reasonable to him. It's not severe enough to be a legitimate cause of concern. Kaname's about to reassure Yuki, before his mind stills with a realization.
If Zero has not been attending class, then has Yuki been carrying out her duties alone?
Abruptly, Kaname asks, "Yuki, you haven't been patrolling alone, have you?"
He looks at her sternly. To his relief, she shakes her head. "No. Zero still comes to patrol with me at night. And Yori-chan is with me during the class exchange."
He relaxes, but Yuki still looks as concerned as ever and she continues avidly, "But he just leaves right after it. And during the whole patrol, he doesn't talk to me at all." Yuki pauses and furrows her eyebrows before admitting, "Well, he doesn't talk a lot when patrolling on a normal day either. But he at least responds when I annoy him too much."
Yuki looks up at Kaname, brown eyes pleading and expectant. "Can you please go see him?"
Kaname blinks but he keeps a neutral expression.
Even though Kaname feels incredulous at Yuki's suggestion that he could somehow help Zero in this case.
So instead Kaname offers, "Perhaps Zero just needs some time alone to himself."
Yuki bites her lips. "He locked himself in his room. And only goes out for patrols. I've knocked a few times. But Zero refuses to open the door. The headmaster also tried, but Zero won't see him either."
She hesitates before saying softly, "I don't think Zero should be alone right now. Both the headmaster and I are really worried."
Kaname suppresses a sigh. He understands Yuki's concern, but Kaname still does not see how his presence could improve the situation in any way.
Frankly, it's a terrible idea. And nothing Yuki has said convinces him otherwise.
Yuki must sense his reluctance because she ventures, "Kaname-senpai, you've been spending more time with him, haven't you? Maybe he'll listen to you."
That…That seems rather optimistic of Yuki. Overly optimistic.
Things have not improved between Zero and him.
He is also a little surprised.
Kaname thought he kept the meetings with Zero discreet and private. It would not be pleasant if people knew that he was offering his precious blood in the first place much less that he was giving it to an ex-human. Dangerous too.
Kaname wonders if she knows the truth behind those meetings or if at all. He supposes, from Yuki's perspective, he and Zero seemed like they were tolerating each other now.
That could not be further from the truth.
If anything, tensions have escalated between them now that Kaname agreed to give Zero his blood, or according to Zero, forced him to drink from Kaname.
Kaname also has his own misgivings about the decision.
On good days, Zero will accept the blood without argument and none to few words are exchanged. On bad days, the entire ordeal leaves them both irritated and belligerent.
So all in all, he is not particularly happy with the whole situation and neither is Zero.
Kaname frowns. Yuki's innocuous suggestion also reminds him that he has not come by to feed Zero in some time now.
Perhaps he really should go see Zero.
Especially now that he realizes that if he concentrates, Kaname can feel an odd twinge in his neck that always appears when Zero is on the verge of hunger and bloodthirst.
Kaname tightens his jaw. This is why he feels unsettled by the blood exchange. There shouldn't be any attachment on his part, should there?
There is always a heightened awareness of Zero and his emotions that comes after Zero drinks his blood. It fades away soon and he has always assumed that it's a side effect of the blood taking and the fact that Zero has taken his blood more than once.
Sharing blood is intrinsically an intimate act, and blood itself is powerful and sacred. And if Kaname is honest with himself, he knows he should not share his blood with someone he has no intention of forming a bond with. Kaname knows, but it is something he must do.
So he does and the exchange itself is always impersonal and methodical. That should reassure him.
It should.
But Kaname feels that he is playing with something far beyond his control.
"Kaname-senpai?"
Yuki's hesitant voice clears away his thoughts. She's staring at him now, concerned. "Is everything alright? You look a little tired." Yuki pauses and looks anxious. "Did I come at a bad time?"
"No, everything's fine. I suppose I got carried away in my thoughts." He smiles reassuringly at her. "I'll see what I can do to help Zero."
Yuki immediately smiles in relief. Her eyes shine happily with gratitude. "Thank you, Kaname-senpai. I knew you would."
Kaname gives her another small smile, but as always, her response gives him mixed feelings. He's happy that she no longer looks worried, but there is an admiration and surety in her words that Kaname thinks he does not deserve, that he is not the magnanimous person she thinks he is.
Her obvious relief also speaks volumes on how much the issue bothers her, how much she cares for Zero. It bothers him a bit because it's evident that Zero is someone she trusts and treasures.
The knowledge brings him pain, and brings to light the insecurities that he never wants to admit.
He knows it's a good thing that there is someone she can confide and be close with.
He does.
He just wishes she would not make it so clear that that person is not him.
It feels cruel sometimes how often Yuki comes to him because she's worried about Zero. He knows that Yuki is not doing it on purpose; it's just her kindhearted and naïve nature.
But sometimes Kaname thinks that Yuki has to somewhat sense his feelings towards her; that she cannot truly be so oblivious; that Yuki has to know, every time she does this, she places him in a position he does not want to be in.
And as always, he regrets the thoughts as soon as they come. Those are words he could never utter to her.
Not when the person he should be frustrated with is himself and not her.
A/N:
So, yay! I'm writing again! But um, for those of you waiting for updates on my other stories, I'm so sorry! I'm still waiting for those plot bunnies to come back to me. (shakes head) Pesky little things.
I've had this particular plot bunny for a while, and I actually already have some chapters already written...that start from the middle of the storyline. (Yup, yup, I'm following a very odd writing process for this one. 0_o)
Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! I know to some of you who prefer getting right to the drama or plot, this chapter may seem too introspective. I like doing this though so I can get a feel for the characters.
BUT! Neexxxt chapter will be...eventful. An emotional roller coaster ride. :3
Please comment/review/follow/favorite/drop a smiley face/ do whatever makes you happy! I would love, love to hear what you guys think of this or any mistakes that I've made. X)