Learning to Love (1/?)

By Carol M.

Summary: After a serious accident, Brian must come to terms with his relationships with his family, friends, and Justin

Rating: PG-13 for now

Spoilers: 220, maybe other second season episodes

Disclaimer: I don't own them, only love them

Note: This is my first QAF fan fiction. I've been watching QAF since the end of the first season and have managed to fall in love with everyone's favorite ass Brian Kinney. This is my response to the events of the season finale of the second season. The story will prolly be pretty long and I'll try to post new parts as quickly as I can. Hope you enjoy. Let me know how I'm doing!

Apparently Brian Kinney did have a heart. If he didn't, the sight of Justin leaving the Rage Party with Ethan wouldn't have caused the pain that started deep in his chest and worked it's way right down to the pit of his stomach. His plan to give Justin what he wanted had worked well, a little too well. He supposed that somewhere in the back of his mind he thought Justin would pick him in spite of everything, but he had been wrong. The knowledge hurt like hell, more than anything he had ever experienced before in his entire life.

He could feel eyes on him from every direction. Michael, Debbie, hell even Justin was staring at him like he would fall apart at any moment. Well fuck that.

Brian took a deep breath and glanced around for someone, anybody that he could occupy his mind and body with, if only temporarily. He quickly spotted a decent looking green-eyed stud that would do just fine. He immediately made eye contact with his patent come fuck me stare and casually danced over towards the man as if everything were perfectly fine. It wasn't like someone had just shattered his heart into tiny jagged pieces, after all.

He wrapped his arms around the man and started grinding against him, making sure that the stud could feel every inch of his always hard ten-inch cock. The trick smiled and wrapped his arms around Brian, eagerly accepting the attention. Brian stole a quick glance over his shoulder, half expecting to see Justin staring at him with a look of hurt and betrayal. But all he saw was the ghost of his younger lover in the crowd of people bumping and grinding to the vocal styling of Bjork.

Brian panicked. This wasn't supposed to happen. Justin was always there either bugging the shit out of him or glaring at him in anger or giving him one of those smiles that made his heart beat faster every single time he saw it. He suddenly pushed the stud away from his body, the close contact only serving to remind him of Justin. "Get the fuck off me," he said firmly.

"Hey man, what's up?" said the trick in a pissed off tone. He grabbed Brian's arm and pulled him back against his body.

Brian shrugged out of the man's grip. "I said, get the fuck off me, asshole," he said with an intense stare that he could tell scared the hell out of his would be fling for the night.

The trick put his hands in the air in surrender. "Easy man."

Brian backed away, staring almost in a panic at the crowd surrounding him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a vial of the best party mix his advertising salary would allow. He had been saving it for a special occasion and had just happened to tuck the powder in his hip pocket for tonight's party. It wasn't exactly the kind of special occasion he had in mind, but being dumped was a damn good reason to get high.

He quickly sprinkled out a dash on his hand and snorted it up through his nose, the heart pounding high coming almost immediately. But he quickly realized it wasn't enough, the ache in his heart was still there, even more painful then it had been even minutes before. He shook out more of the white powder and took another snort.

"Jesus, Brian, ease up on that shit. You shouldn't be doing it out in the open like that," came a concerned voice from behind him.

Brian turned around and rolled his eyes at the sight of Michael's worried stare reflecting back him. "Relax Mikey, it's just a little party favor." He poured out another hit and promptly snorted.

"Yeah, some party," said Michael as he glanced towards the area where Justin had just left minutes before with Ethan. "Maybe I should take you home?"

Brian shrugged. "What for? The night's young and Cinderella doesn't have to be home 'til way past midnight." He prepared to pour out more powder when Michael promptly grabbed his hand, easily snatching the vial away.

"Funny, I don't remember Cinderella getting high in the Disney movie," said Michael, the concern for his friend leaking through the lightness of his tone.

Brian smirked. "I guess you missed the sequel then too, huh? Cinderella gets fucked up the ass by prince charming and turns lesbo. It's a film every would-be dyke should see," said Brian sarcastically as he unsuccessfully grabbed for the vial, which Michael was holding behind his back.

"That's funny, I thought Disney only liked to illustrate big dicks and tell kids that sex was fun," said Michael as he successfully dodged another attempt by Brian to get his drugs back. "So is this how you're going to deal with Justin? Just snort and fuck all your worries away, is that it?"

Brian brought his hand up to the back of Michael's neck and gently pulled him close. He covered Michael's lips with his own and started passionately kissing him, letting his tongue slide into his friend's mouth. Michael let out a moan and his grip loosened on the vial, allowing Brian to snatch it back from him. Brian abruptly ended the kiss and smiled. "Thanks Mikey," he whispered in his ear. He promptly poured out a huge dollop of the powder and snorted it quickly up his nose.

Michael shook his head in anger. "Jesus Brian, you're so afraid of what you feel for him that you're ready to just throw it all away on some twink fiddler who doesn't know how to play his instrument."

Brian raised his hand in objection. "Actually, he does know how to play his instrument," he said with a stoned smile.

Michael rolled his eyes. "Just admit that you love him."

Brian glanced away and dug his car keys out of his pocket. "I'm going."

"The fuck you are. You're not driving," said Michael as he reached for the car keys.

"Leave me alone," said Brian as he quickly shrugged past Michael towards the exit of Babylon.

Michael placed a hand on Brian's back to stop him. "Brian wait…"

Brian turned around with a look of seething anger on his face. "It's none of your goddamn fucking business, all right. Go find your boyfriend and enjoy the rest of the party." He dodged past a group of nearly naked queens as he eagerly approached the exit door.

"You're being an asshole," said Michael has he ran past Brian and blocked his path out the door. "Just let me drive you home."

Brian's jaw clenched. "I said go find Ben, Mikey. Don't worry about me." He stepped forward, trying to push past Michael, but his friend refused to budge. "Get out of my fucking way!"

"No," said Michael, his tone one of both concern and hurt.

"Fine, have it your way," said Brian. He raised his fist and punched Michael as hard as he could in the face. Michael fell to the ground clutching his jaw, a look of shock on his face.

Brian gasped in horror as he realized what he'd done. He eyed Michael intensely for a moment and then quickly staggered past a group of onlookers that were staring at him as if he were crazy. He waved off their curious glances and nearly fell out the doorway, his vision beginning to swim in and out. He started taking deep breaths, trying to calm the racing of his heart as he slowly made his way over to his Jeep.

"Hey gorgeous, you okay?" asked a concerned looking drag queen dressed like Britney Spears.

"Fine," managed Brian as he finally stumbled onto his jeep. He lay his head against the front hood for a second, fighting the urge to vomit and then pass out. He swallowed the bile that was rising in his throat and lifted his head up; nearly blacking out from the dizzying wave of stars that invaded his vision. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shaking the sensation from his body after several seconds of concentration. Then he quickly unlocked his jeep door and got in, eager to just drive the rest of his night away and maybe hit the baths somewhere along the way.

He started the jeep and pulled out of his parking space, nearly running over a blonde twink who looked like he could be Justin's brother. He groaned aloud and turned the corner, the urge to throw up coming back with a vengeance. He tried to shake off the feeling, but the nausea just kept coming, along with a piercing pain directly behind his eyes and the terrifying feeling of not being able to breathe. He moaned in both pain and panic, and then promptly passed out, his head slumping against the steering wheel. The jeep swerved out of control seconds later right into an oncoming pick-up trick, the sounds of metal on metal contact and breaking glass cutting through the night like a bolt of lightning.

TBC