Hey! Yeah, you! The one without a life and a craving for a published story on the world wide net!
You wanna know how to write a good Hunger Games fiction? You wanna become the most famous author this platform has ever seen? You wanna rip off of a great series and get some sweet sweet reviews, which is likely the only reason 80% of people write fanfic?
Even if you don't, stay and - OMG CLIFFY! - read this wonderful guide!
First of all, we've defs got to stay with canon. Oh wait, Katniss and Peeta are the tributes for the 74th Hunger Games in District Twelve? And they're lovers? And you don't like that? That's perfectly fine! There's one easy, well-loved way to fix that and still have a District Twelve love affair. Introducing… the lovely, intelligent, witty, definitely not Mary Sueish OC!
The OC is of your own design, a lovely gal from the confines of District Twelve. She can be named anything, but it's best to stick with canon for names. District Twelve's known for it's coal mines and gives names filled with nature, and since crushed coal obviously turns to pearls, - it even says so in the books! Score, guys! - we can name our OC Pearl Athena Hooker! Because middle names are the best thing that you can give an OC to create depth and clarity. After all, they've got so much personality you need at least three names to describe them by.
Pearl Athena Hooker is the average girl from District Twelve, growing up as a starving teenager who's on the verge of death every day because she can't find anything to eat and can't get a job in the mines because the age limit is nineteen. Wait, but that wouldn't make her hot enough to get noticed by Peeta! We better make her a merchant girl - no, the mayor's daughter - Madge was a bitch anyways - who is oppressed by her secretly abusive father and comforted by her lovely but incapable of literally anything but making good food mother, who - OMG CLIFFY! - hunts in the woods of Twelve for food! She can give her father strawberries to appease his awful temper, and learn some sick archery skills that won't be abused by you later on in the Games along the way! She's also besties with Katniss, and is defs a better archer, but always loses their archery competitions because Katniss has a temper sometimes and might not want Pearl Athena Hooker to absolutely destroy her in their quest to shoot random objects and look as badass as they can before one of them falls in love and turns soft!
When the reapings come along for the 74th Hunger Games, we're definitely starting Pearl Athena Hooker off by showing the world her crimson-red dress with fishnet cloth over it and earrings the size of her small pinky before heading into the town square! Never mind that you'd only find that type of clothing in the Capitol, you'll be there soon enough to blend it in with this scene anyway! And we can't forget the customary braiding of her luscious blonde hair! Because everyone loves beautiful hair on beautiful girls.
Since this is still canon - ignore the fact that Katniss isn't volunteering - Primrose will still get reaped this year for the Hunger Games! Since Pearl Athena Hooker is a wonderful person with a kind heart, she - OMG CLIFFY! - volunteers for Katniss, becoming the first volunteer in District Twelve's history! Such a kind move, Pearl Athena Hooker. Your audience will definitely appreciate your unwarranted volunteering in this obviously original fic. After all, what else is the public there for other than praise and worship? Certainly not criticism, I dare say. They're not intelligent enough to observe the non-existent flaws of your fics!
Since the Capitol is boring even though it's the only place where Pearl Athena Hooker can find people with a hint of the same fashion sense that she has, we'll just have to skip over most of the Capitol until the private sessions. We will do the parade, and dress her in flames along with Peeta! But since Cinna's such an observant man and knows young love when he sees it, he'll definitely make them - OMG CLIFFY - KISS during the parade! And like obedient young teenagers, Pearl Athena Hooker and Peeta will make out spontaneously during the parade and make the entire Capitol a slave to their romance. I guess that the Capitol ships young, technically underage love as much as the majority of the Hunger Games fandom!
Training is boring anyways, so we just really need the private sessions, as hinted in the last paragraph. Pearl Athena Hooker will toss her beautiful red hair in the air before shooting an arrow into the Game makers, killing the least important one and receiving the first twelve in the history of the entire Hunger Games! Because she's obviously a better shot than Katniss, amirite?
The interviews are the best part of the entire Games because of the dresses, DUH, so about two chapters should be devoted specifically to just the making of the dress. But even though it's the most promising dress in possibly the entire history of the Hunger Games, you as the author have no idea what dresses are - no time to feel fabric when you don't have a life! - it's just a carbon copy of the literal dress, even down to the exact wording of the entire interviews, except for your original character's beautiful name and her short, cropped brown hair that makes her look like an absolute badass who's ready for the Games.
Oh, look how the time flies! We're already at the Games! Quick, since you have little time to write and even less inspiration because you have no life, you better skim over the bloodbath - people who even care about the Hunger Games know what that is - and send Peeta and Pearl Athena Hooker into the woods with a bow and arrow and a sword for Peeta, because swords are obviously the hottest weapons known to the history of man and Peeta definitely is hot - why else would we ship him and Pearl Athena Hooker together?
But perhaps your readers are getting bored of your beautiful story because the public have no souls to speak of, claiming that it's "unoriginal!", "boring!", and "totally predictable! Have you even read the Hunger Games?". So to keep getting those sweet, sweet reviews, follows and faves, you better get your act together and make a twist. So, you'll do something no one expected - someone to rile up the perfect romance that Pearl Athena Hooker and Peeta have together - throw another rival into the mix! After all, who doesn't love a love triangle?
Since you have to keep with your canon vibe, you better choose someone who your readers will know. Maybe the crippled boy from Ten?. Or that Marvel dude? Nah, you know the best one - the wonderful Cato! He always seems to take a fancy to any little OC who pops up into the Hunger Games, so he'll be the perfect person to mess with your perfect romance.
When Cato arrives, he'll defs accept Pearl Athena Hooker and Peeta into the careers. He let Peeta in the books, so it can't be that hard to ally with him, right? But since he's horribly cruel and crude, Pearl Athena Hooker will have to - OMG CLIFFY! - sleep in his tent!
Since you're about to touch on romance that no one asked for and no one expects to see in this story, you better change the rating to M. Maybe the rating will make your story look edgy! When night falls, Pearl Athena Hooker will climb into the tent and innocently go to sleep. Then, an aroused Cato - maybe it's the dark violet hair that makes him so in love - tries to claim his prize. But he forgot Pearl Athena Hooker's talents! No, it's not her badassery. No, it's not her wicked archery skills. After all, all females in compromising positions are automatically helpless. It's Peeta, anxious to defend his love!
Since you and your reviewers are eager to get the story over with, the remaining eight tributes will all simultaneously die in the next three seconds so that we can get to the finale! Only Cato, Pearl Athena Hooker, and darling Peeta are left, meaning that it's time for the biggest fight in the Games!
Peeta, showing strength that you wouldn't expect from his character at all - call him OOC - easily wrestles Cato to the ground and prepares to kill him for Pearl Athena Hooker. But Cato - ever the villain - knees him in the groin and sends Peeta crumpling to the ground. It's time for your OC to prove her worth!
Since this isn't a tragedy, Pearl Athena Hooker will instantly shoot Cato in the face and send him flying off of the cornucopia - wait, how did they get out of the tent and onto the cornucopia - and into the dog mutt tributes that are grotesque caricatures of the dead tributes - we'll just roll with it from now on, killing him instantly because Cato's a wimp compared to your independent, strong Pearl Athena Hooker and the masculine Peeta.
Since you forgot to say the rule that both tributes from a district can win together, Seneca Crane will appear in the sky briefly to say that before popping up a few seconds later and contradicting himself, meaning that your star-crossed lovers will have to fight - OMG CLIFFY! - to the death in the finale. What a skank! Since Pearl Athena Hooker and Peeta are desperately in love, they will passionately kiss before grabbing poisonous berries and preparing to shove them into their mouths. But since Seneca Crane doesn't want his Games to be a failure, he will make his third appearance in three minutes and frantically announce that - OMG CLIFFY! - both can win. Huzzah! The universe is whole!
The Games might have been the most physically demanding challenge of her life, but Pearl Athena Hooker looks better than ever coming out of it. Are those triceps I see on her arms? And she's ready for the interviews with her lover, which will be tragically romantic and be kissing for most of it, because your readers can't seem to get enough of makeout scenes! Then both will be crowned in a heartwarming ceremony, but - OMG CLIFFY! - President Snow will be angered by their dastardly rebellious act in these Games. Poor Pearl Athena Hooker will be scared to tears by his sinister manner, only comforted by Peeta when they're back on the train and without the prodding eyes of the Capitol on them. Maybe it's a good thing that you kept this story rated M…
It looks like you've completed a wonderful story! You've got action, a perfect character with beautiful raven-black curls, and a wonderful romance! It's going to get so many reviews!
Wait, what's that, you say? You want to keep on writing? Has this story gotten enough attention that it deserves - OMG CLIFFY! - a sequel? If the people want it, then you should defs make one - but only if this chapter gets over twenty reviews ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) you're not a saint, after all! And if you do, you've got to find another romantic partner to clash with Peeta and attempt to seduce Pearl Athena Hooker - and fast! I hear that Gale's still single…
A/N: Inspired by "How NOT to write Titanic Fanfiction" by Fomalhaut. Enjoy? Leave a review! Until next time, - cough cough twenty reviews cough - TheAmazingJAJ