A/N: This is a multi-chapter story focusing on a possible source of conflict for Anna and Bates in series 4. The story will be quite heart-breaking at times, but there will be a happy ending that Anna and Bates deserve. I plan on updating this story every Sunday. Thanks to Bingo the Cat for editing the story. All reviews are appreciated.

August 1921

Only the moon lit the dirt path as John progressed toward his cottage after a long day. He had seen little of his wife since they had made the reverse trip that morning. As they progressed towards Downton in the early hours, John had warned Anna he would have a late night since Lord Grantham was dining out for the evening. John suggested she may want to leave without him. She sweetly told John she would wait for him, after all, she was the patient one. When John had consented to her waiting for him, he had no idea how late his Lordship would be that night.

As the other servants tended to the dinner and to the family, John was left alone in the servants' hall. He completed a little mending, but spent most of his time reading, waiting for the arrival of his Lordship to return to work or for Anna for an evening chat. Anna arrived first after seeing Lady Mary to bed at midnight, but Lord Grantham still had not come back. John told Anna she could go home without him, but she again insisted on waiting. John pleaded with her several times to go and sleep, telling her it made no sense for them both to be exhausted, yet she still refused. John stared at his watch in disbelief; his Lordship was expected to return nearly an hour ago, but John assumed that he'd lost track of time. After John caught Anna stifling her fifth yawn and watched her eyes grow increasingly heavier, Anna relented to her husband's request and left. About thirty minutes after her departure, his Lordship arrived home in a foul mood. The car had broken down halfway home and they had to wait nearly an hour for a man with a horse and buggy to pass. As John went about his duties, undressing him, his Lordship ranted about the pluses and minuses of modern technology. At one point, Lord Grantham said, "A horse going lame isn't nearly as frustrating as watching as thick smoke billowing out of the front of the car."

John finally left Downton Abbey with quarter of an hour until two and ventured towards the cottage alone. Most nights, the walk from Downton was the highlight of his day, holding Anna's hand as they progressed towards their home. The walk allowed them to savor their time together and to talk freely without fear of being overheard. The simple pleasure of openly talking to his wife was refreshing after he spent many years being elusive and guarded with her. While their activities varied once they returned to their cottage, the walk was always about the two of them. After especially long days, they both would simply collapse into bed, Anna already asleep by the time her head hit the pillow. Other nights, John and Anna would spend some time downstairs before retiring, enjoying a cup of tea, finishing some mending, tidying the cottage. John particularly looked forward to the nights where they could turn in early to bed for more recreational activities…

Tonight, without Anna, the distance seemed so much further than before. Although they had lived in the cottage for nearly a year, John still could not believe his luck. After everything he had done in his life, he was able to return home each night to his beautiful and loving wife. Anna had suffered greatly because of John. Some of the pain was caused by unknown forces outside of his control, but much of her hurt was entirely his fault. John vowed to make it up to her somehow, rewarding her years of unwavering faith and love. He chuckled to himself, not many women would confess their love first, wait years for a married man, and then stand by a convicted murderer thrown into jail. But, Anna wasn't like most women.

John arrived at the door and diligently wiped his shoes on the straw mat. Earlier in the spring, John had drudged mud all over the house much to Anna's dismay. He dared not repeat the infraction.

He recalled how he walked into the kitchen that day to Anna's brow deeply furrowed. After inquiring about what was wrong, she gave a small hmph with a raise of one slender eyebrow as she pointed to the mud. John of course quickly apologized for making her upset which struck a chord with her. Anna did not like to get cross with John so she did her best to hide her frustration as she said, "I'm not upset, it's just, I scrubbed the floors yesterday, and now I will have to clean them again."

Anna disappeared upstairs for a few moments, but when she returned, John was on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. All she could muster when she saw him was a surprised, "What are you doing?"

John looked up at her sheepishly and said, "Cleaning up my mess."

Anna shook her head, "Your knee won't allow that. You should have let me get it, I didn't mind."

John grabbed onto the nearby table to lift himself up. He left his cane where it was and hobbled over to Anna. "Better my knee mad at me, than you," He said as he held her in his arms.

"I wasn't mad," Anna smiled and succumbed to his kiss. Anna could never stay annoyed with John for long, yet he tried his best to be less absent-minded.

John opened the door into darkness, not even embers burned in the fireplace due to the August heat. He placed his hat on the stand and methodically headed for the stairs. The tapping of the cane on the wooden stairs pierced harshly through air, but John did his best to muffle the sound. Anna had been home for hours and should have been fast asleep.

As he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed a soft glow under the bedroom door. All he could do was shake his head, his wife was stubbornly waiting for him to get home. She would regret the late night in the morning, but John was happy to be able to see her smile one last time and to tell her goodnight. As he opened the door, he feigned anger as he said, "Shouldn't you be asleep?"

But as soon as John saw Anna's face, it became clear something was wrong.

Anna was so absorbed in her troubles that she did not hear her husband open the door or ascend the stairs. She jumped when she finally heard his voice. Anna was embarrassed, to be caught crying by her husband, but even as she willed herself to stop crying, tears continued to fall. She caught sight of his confused face etched with concern.

Anna barely whispered, "John," and he came over to her and quickly enveloped her in his strong arms. Anna crashed into his chest and continued sobbing.

"Shush, shush, it'll be alright, I'm here." John managed to say as he wrapped his arms tighter around her. Anna's tears refused to subside even as he gently rubbed her back. He continuously whispered shushes in her ear, trying to calm her down.

"Oh John," Anna finally edged out between sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm ruining your clothes."

He looked down his chest, underneath Anna, at his vest, wrinkled and damp with tears, but by no means were his clothes ruined.

"Don't worry, you're not. Anna, please tell me what's wrong," John had not seen Anna in such state of distress in a long time, especially not since he had been released from prison. He had no idea what could have caused her such pain and his insides were constricting as he worried about her.

Anna pulled back from John and he released her. She inhaled deeply and wiped the last tears from her eyes. She looked at him, ashamed, but took another deep breath to try to regain composure. Once she was confident her voice would not break, Anna asked "Why don't you change into your night clothes, and then I'll tell you what's wrong."

He kept his eyes on her during his various stages of undress. She refused to look at him, but he noticed a single tear fall down her face. The suspense was killing John.

"Did you receive news from home?" John asked, but Anna only shook her head.

"Did something happen at work?" John guessed again in the dark, but she shook her head a second time.

The hollow feeling in the bottom of his stomach increased as he asked, "Did… did I do something wrong?"

"No! No, of course not! It's not you!" Anna looked at him guiltily; he thought he was the cause of her pain, yet in her opinion, it was entirely her own fault.

Over the last few weeks, Anna had convinced herself she was pregnant. She dared not say anything to John until she knew for sure, but when she returned home and started her monthly cycle, she realized she was mistaken, she was not pregnant. It had been over two months since her last cycle, and as she began to wonder why she was late, she became certain she was with child. John had been home for nearly a year and it seemed the most logical explanation.

And after dealing with a pregnant Mary all day and discussing children with her, Anna began to realize how badly she wanted a child of her own with John. She imagined her own belly growing, John fidgeting over her comfort just like Mr. Crawley did, and feeling the baby move within her. She also began to see a little boy with John's features curled up on his lap while she bounced a baby girl that resembled herself. Anna had not realized how incomplete she felt until she seriously thought about having children. Of course, John filled her life with enough love, but the idea of adding to their family brought immense joy to Anna's heart. Mary had been fatigued and emotional at the beginning of her pregnancy and Anna had noticed the same symptoms in herself. But looking back, clearly it was all in her head. She wanted so badly to believe she was pregnant.

Anna was grateful she did not mention anything to John about her incorrect inkling. They had skirted around the topic of children over the last year, neither wanting to seem disappointed it was not happening. They would smile at each other knowingly when they were with Sybbie or talk about a distant future with little rascals under their feet. But over the last year, Anna and John had not had a serious discussion about starting a family. Anna believed it was unnecessary to discuss because it was something that would just happen, and she was enjoying her alone time with her husband.

But tonight, the realization that she was not pregnant affected her more severely than she anticipated. She had spent the better part of an hour dwelling on a lost dream. She felt foolish how attached she felt to something that was not even there. The tears started not long after she sat in bed, and they'd ebbed and flowed as she laid alone. After all, it had been an entire year, and she was no closer to expecting a child than the day of his release. Anna worried this meant she never was going to have children. And the realization she could be barren shook Anna to the core. Becoming a mother felt so right to her, yet the opportunity might be out of her control. The fears of a life without children and disappointing John and herself cycled through her thoughts to devastating effects. She had not lost such control since John's imprisonment.

Anna had planned on moving on and being asleep by the time John came home, leaving him unaware of the entire meltdown. However, as soon as she saw John in the doorway, the tears fell harder than they had all night.

By that time, John was fully changed into night clothes and crept into bed tentatively next to Anna. He was still not fully convinced it wasn't his fault. Anna stayed silent for a moment longer, but she had to divulge the truth to him.

"It's not your fault," Anna repeated as she squeezed his hand, yet John remained unsure.

"I'm being foolish," Anna continued as she shook her head, "Nothing devastating happened; I'm making a big deal out of nothing."

John listened intently, trying to decode what was wrong.

"I thought I was pregnant," Anna blurted out.

"Oh," John said, with some relief. But that statement only brought more questions in John's head. Were the tears from the fear that she would have to carry his child? Was she relieved she would not have to raise children with him? No, John said firmly to himself, he would not revert to his old frame of mind. That was a path he wasn't going to take again, so long as Anna walked the earth. She would not think such things about him. He chastised himself for even considering that. She's clearly upset that she is not pregnant.

"But, I'm not pregnant and maybe I'm too old. It's rare to be a first time mum at my age," Anna confessed her worst fear that motherhood was not in the cards for her.

John was surprised Anna considered herself old, when he was fifteen years her senior. She always would be youthful in his eyes. John responded, "No, you're perfect; you're just a few years older than Lady Mary and she's, what, seven months pregnant?"

"I'm nearly six years older than her," Anna replied. Anna knew in the woman's world, those years could make a big difference.

"Anna, you are not too old. If anything, I'm too old and maybe I'm the source of the problem. All those years with Vera and I never had a child." John reassured her.

Anna frowned and confessed another fear, "I'm letting you down." Some part of her truly felt she was not giving John everything he warranted.

At this point, John put his arm around Anna's shoulder and held her close to him. "Anna, don't say that; don't even think that. You could never let me down. You are the person that brought meaning back into my life; you love me with your whole heart, and you even freed me from prison. As long as you're drawing breath, you could never disappoint me." He gently kissed the top of her head.

Anna stroked John's arm, working her fingers up and down the long, muscular limb. She laid her head over his chest and heard his heart beating through his night shirt. "But, what if we never have children?" Anna brought the big issue to his attention.

"Then, we will face it together. But it's too early to give up all hope. I have a feeling we are going to have plenty of children. And when the house is full of rowdy kids, we'll be wishing for the days of quiet and full nights of sleep." John replied as Anna looked at the clock. 3 am was fast approaching and they both were wide awake. Anna would be tired in the morning, but there was a sense of relief of voicing her doubts and disappointments.

"But if we don't?" Anna asked again. She needed to hear more of his encouragements.

"I will still be the luckiest man in the world," John lightly brought her chin up and pressed his lips to hers. "And I will be working tirelessly to make you the happiest woman." He gave her a glance, smiling as he kissed her again.

A light grin played on Anna's face. A slight emptiness was still there, but she felt better, having shared everything with John. He said the right things to put her mind at ease. In John's arms, the future did not seem as bleak for Anna. Even if she would not have children, she had real love, a love more than she could have ever expected. Anna yawned and the night's exhaustion washed over her. Tears and fears have a way of making people terribly tired.

"Thank you," Anna replied as she kissed him back.

"Good night, Anna, I love you." John responded as he turned out the light and held his wife. Soon, Anna's breath became heavier as she drifted off to sleep. John continued to watch her in the dark for several more minutes, wishing he could give her everything she deserved, before succumbing to his own tiredness and falling asleep.