Yes, I know that this idea is pretty cliché, but I don't think this has ever been done in the Gintama archive (Perhaps I can see why, though), so...yeah. By the way, the "letters" here are not based on my opinion (You can actually write whatever you want, as long as your grammar's good. :P). And this is not to be taken seriously. Well, enjoy!
Dear Fanfiction writers,
First off, why the hell am I always paired with that bastard Hijikata?! I'm not gay, and even if I was, I wouldn't want to be with him, simply because of his weird-ass addiction to mayonnaise!
As for females, the only female I'd ever want to be paired with is Ketsuno Ana! You probably don't remember that I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. So why are there literally no fics about us?! Do you not like Ketsuno-san that much?! Are you pretending she doesn't exist?!
I've recently found out that one of the most popular pairings in Gintama is me and Tsukuyo…are you freaking serious?! I don't love that woman! First of all, she gets drunk off her ass the second she takes a drink of sake! Do you have any idea how much hell I (Plus some of my friends) had to go through without getting killed?!
So long story short, don't pair me with her, Otae-san, Sa-chan (She's a stalker, for crying out loud!), Kagura (I'm not a pedophile, by the way.), or any other girl in Gintama you can think of. As for your original characters, even if you manage to still keep me in-character, it will not change my feelings for Ketsuno-san.
I think I'm done. I need some strawberry milk.
Sincerely, Sakata Gintoki
In case I get some of the characters OOC throughout this "story", then I apologize. And as I said, these "letters" are not based on my opinion. For example, I love GinTsu (Though I think I prefer the genderbent version of this pairing. XD)
By the way, I'm not going to do all the characters in Gintama for this. The only characters I'm not going to do are ones that have only been in Gintama for less than five episodes, and ones that don't have any fics about them.
I don't expect anyone to review this, but hope you enjoyed Gintoki Sakata's "letter"! :)