(AN: This entire fic is done from Snape's POV. One of those, Snape was
fakes his own death to get out of spy work because the death eaters find
out that he's spying for Dumbledore and co. This is really just my
prospective as to my he's nasty, why he's slimy, and how/why he became a
spy (Let's face it! He didn't do it because of the great health care
benefits or family dental plans!). It was actually originally written as a
plot twist for my 'I'm Sorry' story, but then I liked it better as a single
chapter fic, so I kept it that way and begged Snape's forgiveness for
having to kill him. Make any sense? No? Good.)
Disclaimer: Umm, I own nothing?
=Snape's thoughts=
Chapter 1
I closed my eyes again and smashed the alarm clock with my fist. I hated them, but I had to keep up the appearance of being a normal muggle when I was here, so I put up with that and a lot more. Most of the 'lot more's were things like dust clothes, vacuum cleaners, pencils, and trips to the laundromat to clean my pants. I re-opened my eyes and rolled over to face the ceiling.
=Why the hell did I do this to myself? = I wondered. =All this shit I put myself through! I even had to fake my own death. I never thought it would happened that way. I've imagined the end plenty of times. I've imagined being killed by death eaters to witnessing in court and having to hide for the rest of my life, but never this. I thought that the end happen so fast that I wouldn't have a hand in it, not that I would create my own death and still be alive. It was rather ingenious to fake my death. Of course, it only came to me when I realized that I had killed one of my attackers. All I had to do was switch our robes, pull on his mask and wait for help to come for the others. It did come rather fast, but they bought my story of having to killing 'Snape'. I wonder how long they will believe it to be true. Perhaps, the utter convenience of the 'burning' hex will tip them off. Then again, most of those hex victims are even more seriously burned; mine just effected his upper body. Maybe I can get an illusion placed on me and I can pretend that Snape really is dead. I could start over again. =
I sighed and rolled over so that my head was buried in my pillow.
=Tell yourself again, Snape. = I thought to myself. =Why the friggin' hell did you let this happen to you? =
I groaned and smacked my head into my pillow once or twice. I tugged a hand through my greasy hair and pulled it out of my eyes.
=I honestly should take a shower. Too bad personal hygiene isn't so high on my list of important things. I suppose that when your life is on the line twenty-four/seven (I've got to stop hanging around so many muggles!), baths just kinda fall to the sidelines. = I moaned.
=Oh what the fuck! If I'm going to die in the next twenty-four hours, I sure as hell am going to die clean and grease/dirt free. Damn those death eaters! If they want to kill me, they can fuckin' wait 'til I'm finished my damned, yet well deserved, shower! =
I literally rolled out of bed and stumbled to the door. I hated muggle flats, but it was the last place anyone, even people on my side, would look for me. I kept it very quiet and even took pains to buy it under a false name. After I managed to find the doorknob, I fell into the hall and tripped over my feet trying to get to the bathroom.
=STUPID BASTARD! = I screamed at myself. =You know you can't hold you beer! Why do you even try? =
When I was finally in the bathroom I lurched over the sink and heaved up the last thing I had eaten. I couldn't remember what it was, but from the looks-and smell-of things, I honestly didn't want to know.
=Stupid Snape! = I snarled at myself, as I untied the belt on my robes.
=Bloody, flamin', damned hangovers! Why, oh, why, do I do this damned crap to myself? = I asked myself for the hundredth time in the last two hours, and thousandth time in my long life. I began to unbutton my cloak and then stopped and sighed. =I become a spy. I fake my own death. I get drunk. I get a hangover. I feel like CRAP! Now let's be perfectly honest here Snape! Why, the fucking hell, do you do this to yourself?! =
I continued to unbutton my robes, trying to think of an answer that didn't sound feeble, like I was asking for pity or that sounded like I was begging for mercy. Evidently, I had forgotten the truth. When I had finally gotten out of my clothes, I pulled back the shower sheets, or whatever the hell these damned muggles called them, and suddenly glanced down at my wrists.
=Oh. = I smirked. =That's why. =
~~~Flashback~~~
I stumbled through the rain and tried not to look like I wanted to die. My 'friends' were out parting tonight, and the last thing I needed was for someone to find me. I looked around at the streets of Hogsmead and noticed that I was getting closer to Hogwarts.
=Perfect! = I thought to myself. =No one would think to look for me there. =
I stumbled and fell through the streets and up the path to the school trying to avoid detection. When I had finally gotten to my destination, I glanced around to make sure no one was watching.
=I don't want to be found 'til it's all over. Actually, if I'm never found, that's equally good in my books. = I laughed. I rolled up my sleeves and pulled out a sliver of glass. I'd been carrying it around for two weeks, when I had dropped a potion on the floor and the vile had shattered. I had been punished for my clumsiness but I had managed to hide one of the pieces of glass in my pockets.
=Too bad I haven't had the guts to do this sooner. = I sighed to myself. I held the glass between my middle and pointer finger's knuckles, the sharp side facing away from my palm. I then brought it down in a slashing motion. The blood spurted out of the right arm, splattering my robes and dying the gray stones. I squeezed the cut trying to force more out as my vision dimmed. I watched the blood slid down my arm as the world spun and I passed into darkness.
I eased my eyes open and tried to look around.
"Hello, Severus." A cheery voice welcomed me.
"Ugh!" I moaned, closing my eyes. "If this is the afterlife, I am definitely going to complain!"
"Oh, no worries there, Severus." The voice laughed.
"You mean, I'm not dead?" I asked. The voice laughed again.
"Not in the slightest. Though you did have us worried."
"I failed." I muttered, running a hand down my right arm to where someone had bandaged my cuts. I suddenly thought of a terrible thing and sat up immediately. I looked at my arms, which were still covered by my sleeves, and pulled my left arm closer to myself. I looked at the voice and almost passed out when I realized that it belonged to Albus Dumbledore.
"YOU weren't supposed to find me." I finally said after catching my breath. "No one was."
"Severus, tell me. Why did you try and kill yourself?" Dumbledore asked. I looked at him and couldn't help it. I laughed.
=Look at him. = I sniggered to myself. =He's sitting there so calmly, wanting to help. Little does he know that was I a stronger death eater, I would have killed him by now! But no, he's so trusting. Too trusting! =
"Severus?" Dumbledore asked, pulling me back to reality.
"Huh?" I asked, squeezing my left arm again.
"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Dumbledore asked, looking me in the eye.
"Wouldn't you?" I asked, meeting his gaze.
"What do you mean?"
"I just want to die. I'm sick of it." I said.
=Don't tell him. = I cautioned myself, fighting the urge to tell my old teacher everything. =You'll only get in more trouble. =
"Sick of what?"
"Oh..." I began.
=DON'T! = I hollered at myself. =Aww screw it! How much worse can it get?! =
"Yes?" Dumbledore pressed.
"Shit. Just look at me!" I yelled, still avoiding the question.
"Yes. I see you. I also see a man who is very confused."
"Confused?" I snorted. "I may be many things, like a dead man, but confused, I am not."
"Why do you think you're a dead man?" Dumbledore asked.
"DAMN YOU!" I screamed at him "Why can't you understand? I'm talking to you! You think he won't come after me? He's probably hunting me down as we speak!"
"Voldemort?" Dumbledore asked.
"YES!" I raged, showing him the dark mark that Voldemort had burned into my wrist. I felt the words spilled out of my mouth. All the emotions and words that I had kept locked up, flowed out of my mouth with no way to stop them. "My lord! I hate him! I hate, hate, hate him! I hate them all! I even hate myself! Look at me! I live my entire life being scared that I may slip up and be destroyed. I kill innocent children and muggles whenever I am ordered! I have tortured children for who their parents are! I even laughed about it! I hate everything that I am! Everything I have become!"
"But you have power." Dumbledore spat angrily. "You always were ambitious, Snape."
"Oh, yes. Ambition. That's what has cursed me all these years! That stupid hats puts me in Slytherin and I am hated. Everyone one except those in my house hated me. But then, I hated those in my house! I joined with Voldemort to get power. And oh yes! I got power! I have power! But then I look at how I got it and I just want to die. Most people think that Slytherin is ambition with out principles, but some of us care how we get what we want. Some of us wish we could play by the rules."
"Do you want to do the right thing?" Dumbledore asked me.
"The right thing? The right thing is for me to die." I sighed, lying back down. "Now, if you would please leave me alone to do the right thing in private."
"Snape. Listen to me! If you give up, you do no one good. But, if you were to act as a spy..."
"I could do the right thing and turn in the others that I hate so much." I finished for him.
"It's a dangerous job." Dumbledore warned me. I sat back up and let a look of thoughtfulness cross my face.
=If I do this, I'm doing the right thing and taking some of those bastards out. I might even get killed in the process, as an added bonus. But if I just die, I'll only be killing on Death eater. =
"I do not care." I said. "I agree to spy for you."
"Your service shall not go unnoticed." Dumbledore assured me. I nodded.
"This is just between you and me right? Please, promise me you won't tell anyone you don't have to."
"I promise." Dumbledore nodded. I nodded back and he left to room. I sighed and pulled my robes on. I grabbed my wand and left Hogwarts in a hurry. After I had disapperated back to flat, I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror. I was different. Snape the death eater had passed away leaving behind Snape the spy. I smiled slightly. I was beginning to like my new purpose.
~~~Flashback end~~~
I sighed and stepped into the shower trying to wash the memories away. I was almost finished when I heard the sound of someone pounding on the door. I climbed out and pulled my clothes on, ready to disapperate if it was a death eater.
=A few years ago, I would have welcomed death. = I mussed as I looked through the peephole. It was my next door neighbor. I quickly pulled off my robes, hid them under the couch and made sure that I was dressed in proper muggle fashion. =Too bad I found something to live for. Too bad I don't KNOW what I've found to live for! =
Disclaimer: Umm, I own nothing?
=Snape's thoughts=
Chapter 1
I closed my eyes again and smashed the alarm clock with my fist. I hated them, but I had to keep up the appearance of being a normal muggle when I was here, so I put up with that and a lot more. Most of the 'lot more's were things like dust clothes, vacuum cleaners, pencils, and trips to the laundromat to clean my pants. I re-opened my eyes and rolled over to face the ceiling.
=Why the hell did I do this to myself? = I wondered. =All this shit I put myself through! I even had to fake my own death. I never thought it would happened that way. I've imagined the end plenty of times. I've imagined being killed by death eaters to witnessing in court and having to hide for the rest of my life, but never this. I thought that the end happen so fast that I wouldn't have a hand in it, not that I would create my own death and still be alive. It was rather ingenious to fake my death. Of course, it only came to me when I realized that I had killed one of my attackers. All I had to do was switch our robes, pull on his mask and wait for help to come for the others. It did come rather fast, but they bought my story of having to killing 'Snape'. I wonder how long they will believe it to be true. Perhaps, the utter convenience of the 'burning' hex will tip them off. Then again, most of those hex victims are even more seriously burned; mine just effected his upper body. Maybe I can get an illusion placed on me and I can pretend that Snape really is dead. I could start over again. =
I sighed and rolled over so that my head was buried in my pillow.
=Tell yourself again, Snape. = I thought to myself. =Why the friggin' hell did you let this happen to you? =
I groaned and smacked my head into my pillow once or twice. I tugged a hand through my greasy hair and pulled it out of my eyes.
=I honestly should take a shower. Too bad personal hygiene isn't so high on my list of important things. I suppose that when your life is on the line twenty-four/seven (I've got to stop hanging around so many muggles!), baths just kinda fall to the sidelines. = I moaned.
=Oh what the fuck! If I'm going to die in the next twenty-four hours, I sure as hell am going to die clean and grease/dirt free. Damn those death eaters! If they want to kill me, they can fuckin' wait 'til I'm finished my damned, yet well deserved, shower! =
I literally rolled out of bed and stumbled to the door. I hated muggle flats, but it was the last place anyone, even people on my side, would look for me. I kept it very quiet and even took pains to buy it under a false name. After I managed to find the doorknob, I fell into the hall and tripped over my feet trying to get to the bathroom.
=STUPID BASTARD! = I screamed at myself. =You know you can't hold you beer! Why do you even try? =
When I was finally in the bathroom I lurched over the sink and heaved up the last thing I had eaten. I couldn't remember what it was, but from the looks-and smell-of things, I honestly didn't want to know.
=Stupid Snape! = I snarled at myself, as I untied the belt on my robes.
=Bloody, flamin', damned hangovers! Why, oh, why, do I do this damned crap to myself? = I asked myself for the hundredth time in the last two hours, and thousandth time in my long life. I began to unbutton my cloak and then stopped and sighed. =I become a spy. I fake my own death. I get drunk. I get a hangover. I feel like CRAP! Now let's be perfectly honest here Snape! Why, the fucking hell, do you do this to yourself?! =
I continued to unbutton my robes, trying to think of an answer that didn't sound feeble, like I was asking for pity or that sounded like I was begging for mercy. Evidently, I had forgotten the truth. When I had finally gotten out of my clothes, I pulled back the shower sheets, or whatever the hell these damned muggles called them, and suddenly glanced down at my wrists.
=Oh. = I smirked. =That's why. =
~~~Flashback~~~
I stumbled through the rain and tried not to look like I wanted to die. My 'friends' were out parting tonight, and the last thing I needed was for someone to find me. I looked around at the streets of Hogsmead and noticed that I was getting closer to Hogwarts.
=Perfect! = I thought to myself. =No one would think to look for me there. =
I stumbled and fell through the streets and up the path to the school trying to avoid detection. When I had finally gotten to my destination, I glanced around to make sure no one was watching.
=I don't want to be found 'til it's all over. Actually, if I'm never found, that's equally good in my books. = I laughed. I rolled up my sleeves and pulled out a sliver of glass. I'd been carrying it around for two weeks, when I had dropped a potion on the floor and the vile had shattered. I had been punished for my clumsiness but I had managed to hide one of the pieces of glass in my pockets.
=Too bad I haven't had the guts to do this sooner. = I sighed to myself. I held the glass between my middle and pointer finger's knuckles, the sharp side facing away from my palm. I then brought it down in a slashing motion. The blood spurted out of the right arm, splattering my robes and dying the gray stones. I squeezed the cut trying to force more out as my vision dimmed. I watched the blood slid down my arm as the world spun and I passed into darkness.
I eased my eyes open and tried to look around.
"Hello, Severus." A cheery voice welcomed me.
"Ugh!" I moaned, closing my eyes. "If this is the afterlife, I am definitely going to complain!"
"Oh, no worries there, Severus." The voice laughed.
"You mean, I'm not dead?" I asked. The voice laughed again.
"Not in the slightest. Though you did have us worried."
"I failed." I muttered, running a hand down my right arm to where someone had bandaged my cuts. I suddenly thought of a terrible thing and sat up immediately. I looked at my arms, which were still covered by my sleeves, and pulled my left arm closer to myself. I looked at the voice and almost passed out when I realized that it belonged to Albus Dumbledore.
"YOU weren't supposed to find me." I finally said after catching my breath. "No one was."
"Severus, tell me. Why did you try and kill yourself?" Dumbledore asked. I looked at him and couldn't help it. I laughed.
=Look at him. = I sniggered to myself. =He's sitting there so calmly, wanting to help. Little does he know that was I a stronger death eater, I would have killed him by now! But no, he's so trusting. Too trusting! =
"Severus?" Dumbledore asked, pulling me back to reality.
"Huh?" I asked, squeezing my left arm again.
"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Dumbledore asked, looking me in the eye.
"Wouldn't you?" I asked, meeting his gaze.
"What do you mean?"
"I just want to die. I'm sick of it." I said.
=Don't tell him. = I cautioned myself, fighting the urge to tell my old teacher everything. =You'll only get in more trouble. =
"Sick of what?"
"Oh..." I began.
=DON'T! = I hollered at myself. =Aww screw it! How much worse can it get?! =
"Yes?" Dumbledore pressed.
"Shit. Just look at me!" I yelled, still avoiding the question.
"Yes. I see you. I also see a man who is very confused."
"Confused?" I snorted. "I may be many things, like a dead man, but confused, I am not."
"Why do you think you're a dead man?" Dumbledore asked.
"DAMN YOU!" I screamed at him "Why can't you understand? I'm talking to you! You think he won't come after me? He's probably hunting me down as we speak!"
"Voldemort?" Dumbledore asked.
"YES!" I raged, showing him the dark mark that Voldemort had burned into my wrist. I felt the words spilled out of my mouth. All the emotions and words that I had kept locked up, flowed out of my mouth with no way to stop them. "My lord! I hate him! I hate, hate, hate him! I hate them all! I even hate myself! Look at me! I live my entire life being scared that I may slip up and be destroyed. I kill innocent children and muggles whenever I am ordered! I have tortured children for who their parents are! I even laughed about it! I hate everything that I am! Everything I have become!"
"But you have power." Dumbledore spat angrily. "You always were ambitious, Snape."
"Oh, yes. Ambition. That's what has cursed me all these years! That stupid hats puts me in Slytherin and I am hated. Everyone one except those in my house hated me. But then, I hated those in my house! I joined with Voldemort to get power. And oh yes! I got power! I have power! But then I look at how I got it and I just want to die. Most people think that Slytherin is ambition with out principles, but some of us care how we get what we want. Some of us wish we could play by the rules."
"Do you want to do the right thing?" Dumbledore asked me.
"The right thing? The right thing is for me to die." I sighed, lying back down. "Now, if you would please leave me alone to do the right thing in private."
"Snape. Listen to me! If you give up, you do no one good. But, if you were to act as a spy..."
"I could do the right thing and turn in the others that I hate so much." I finished for him.
"It's a dangerous job." Dumbledore warned me. I sat back up and let a look of thoughtfulness cross my face.
=If I do this, I'm doing the right thing and taking some of those bastards out. I might even get killed in the process, as an added bonus. But if I just die, I'll only be killing on Death eater. =
"I do not care." I said. "I agree to spy for you."
"Your service shall not go unnoticed." Dumbledore assured me. I nodded.
"This is just between you and me right? Please, promise me you won't tell anyone you don't have to."
"I promise." Dumbledore nodded. I nodded back and he left to room. I sighed and pulled my robes on. I grabbed my wand and left Hogwarts in a hurry. After I had disapperated back to flat, I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror. I was different. Snape the death eater had passed away leaving behind Snape the spy. I smiled slightly. I was beginning to like my new purpose.
~~~Flashback end~~~
I sighed and stepped into the shower trying to wash the memories away. I was almost finished when I heard the sound of someone pounding on the door. I climbed out and pulled my clothes on, ready to disapperate if it was a death eater.
=A few years ago, I would have welcomed death. = I mussed as I looked through the peephole. It was my next door neighbor. I quickly pulled off my robes, hid them under the couch and made sure that I was dressed in proper muggle fashion. =Too bad I found something to live for. Too bad I don't KNOW what I've found to live for! =