Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.

It had been several minutes since the world almost ended for the third time that week, and Wolverine's horny level was off the charts. However, the only woman in the gas station convenience store besides a rotting bag of 80-year-old flesh behind the counter was Rogue. Fortunately for him, he was in a pedophile mood.

"Hey, Rogue," he said, wiggling his eyebrows lewdly, "What do you say to some naughty time in the back?"

"I don't want to go to time out!" she shrieked, slamming her feet on the floor in time with the "We Will Rock You" song on the ancient radio.

"No, I meant have sex."

"Oh." Rogue quit her fit and pulled off her shirt. "Okay. Will you rub my back first?"

"Of course, adorable little child."

"And can we snuggle afterwards?"

"If that is what you wish."

Rogue began jumping in excitement. "And call me Mommy!'

Wolverine nodded. "Sure thing, Mommy."

Rogue giggled like a 4-year-old and clapped her hands loudly as the last article of clothing dropped off her body. She threw her oil-stained shirt at him, and he caught it in his teeth. Quickly shredding his own clothes to ribbons so that they all collapsed to the floor in a defeated heap, Wolverine jumped her bones and cried out as she devoured his life force in her snatch. The old woman tending the store fainted in horror, but not before clicking on the live-feed camera the reporter had left behind when he'd been disintegrated by Magneto's Molecular Dispersion Photon Torpedo Thingy.

Back at the manor, Professor Xavier was sitting in the man cave watching the Bachelor when an urgent news report interrupted it. "We interrupt this program to bring you Courage, the Cowardly Dog Show!" A jostling over the microphone ensued, and a gruffer voice took over. "Just minutes ago, one of our beloved coworkers Dave Moore and his cameraman were killed while risking their lives to document the eighth consecutive attack from notorious mutant president Magneto. Their bodies were tragically mutilated beyond recognition, but their equipment was still running, and it captured this shocking footage." They cut to the video, and Professor X nearly choked on his sandwich when he recognized Wolverine and Rogue in all their glory boinking each other.

Xavier picked up his phone and dialed Wolverine's number. On screen, he heard the My Little Pony theme song rise up from the denim pants in the corner of the shot, and the two mutants paused in their banging so that he could pick up his phone. "Hey, Doc. I'm busy. Talk fast."

"Logan, kindly get off Miss Marie. You are being filmed and the video is being streamed live to the news. I am watching you right now."

"You are. Then what am I doing?" He stuck his fingers in –

"Logan, stop that immediately!" the Professor roared. He heard Rogue giggle from the receiver, and fought back the waves of nausea rolling over him.

"Okay, Doc, I give. Where is the camera?" Logan looked around the store, then locked eyes with Professor Xavier, and smiled, waved with his slimy fingers. "Oh, there you are. What news station is this on?"

"Channel 69."

Wolverine pumped his fist briefly, rose to his knees, and shouted, "This is for you, Nicki!" Then he hoped back on Rogue, who squealed in childish delight, and proceeded with moves not humanly possible. Professor X slammed down the phone and promptly vomited his lunch and dinner onto the floor.

The camera cut back to the two news anchors. The older man with the conspicuous toupee turned his toothy grin on the young woman beside him. "How about that, Nicki? The joys of young love!"

Nicki screwed up her face. "How do you do that $***? How do you? How do you? How do you?"

"Well, it seems Nicki is glitching, but that's okay because the narrator is out of room on the page! Join us next spoof on Not Any Ordinary Psycho Channel!"

And the walls came crumbling down.

The End