Lincoln was sitting on his bed, reading comics in his underwear.
"Man, this is great, I sure hope nothing bad happens today. Otherwise, that would suck."
"YO, LINCOLN!" Lynn shouted as she opened Lincoln's door. "We're going out for pizza! Get back into your clothes and come on down!"
"SWEET!" Lincoln shouted, carelessly throwing his comic book over his shoulder. Grabbing his clothes, he ran by Lynn, and slipped down the stairs. Even as each step dug into his flesh, he continued to dress himself. He landed on his back near the front door, fully dressed and slightly bruised.
"Alright, let's go!" This day could only get more awesome.
Then a swirling portal appeared in front of the family.
"Alright," Lori snapped. "Who thought that this day couldn't get worse/better?"
Lincoln stayed quiet. Like hell he was taking the rap for that.
Suddenly, a figure emerged from the portal, revealing itself to be a Lincoln with a pimp hat, sunglasses, an orange zoot suit, and a pimp cane with a golden sign that said 'F**k you'. Looking around, he turned towards the Loud Family, or more importantly, the Sisters. He then grinned, showing off his gold covered teeth that had 'TITS or GTFO.'
"IGHT, SOME FRESH BITCHES! HOW BOUT YA SWEET HONIES COME HOME TO GOLD DADDY LINK?!"
The family didn't know what to make of the situation, before Rita Loud, sporting her hairstyle of a ponytail over the shoulder, made her way over to scold this new Lincoln. Pimp daddy or not, no Lincoln was going to call his sisters 'bitches.'
"Lincoln, I do not where you go that attitude, but you are going to apologize-"
"OH HELL NAW, A BITCH DID NOT TALK BACK TO HER NEW PIMP!" With a flick of his wrist, Gold Daddy Link smacked Rita Loud on the cheek. Not even a second later, Rita Loud exploded into a red mist, sending blood and guts everywhere, and especially soaking the Loud Family now minus a mom. Something smacked Lincoln on the face, covering his eyes. Pulling it off, he paled as he saw that it was his mother's ponytail, attached to a bit of scalp. Then it hit me.
His mother was dead.
"AW SHIT!" Gold Daddy Link screamed, aghast at the mess he made. "I NEEDED ANOTHER MILF! MY PROFITS, YO!"
His profits? HIS PROFITS?! HIS MOTHER'S DEAD!
"DADDY!" Lincoln screamed, pointing at the murderer who he was going to kill.
"Yeah?" Lynn Loud Sr. said.
"Not you." Lincoln replied, before screaming the best battle cry he could as he charged at his hated enemy.
Unfortunately, being an eleven year old kid who primarily spent his time playing video games and reading comic books, his battle cry came out as a pathetic excuse of that indian hand mouth south that any actual Native American would demand his scalp if they heard it. Gold Daddy Link merely shook his head, before flicking his wrist again and smacking Lincoln on the cheek.
Lincoln was sent flying, smashing into the nearby trophy cabinet. Glass flew everywhere, even cutting into Lincoln's back. As Lincoln fell to the ground, the cabinet wobbled for a bit, before crashing down. Lincoln cried out as the heavy cabinet fell on top of him, wood and metal now crushing his back.
"LINCOLN!" His sisters screamed, before Lynn snarled at Gold Daddy.
"YOU BASTARD!" She screamed, before running at him, and throwing a punch.
"Oh, we can't have a ho trying ta get one over her master." Gold Daddy Link replied before dodging Lynn's punch and pimp slapping her. Total Respect and Understanding flowed into Lynn as she got to her knees.
"Sorry, Gold Daddy. I don't know what came over me." Lynn said meekly, in a subservient tone. Gold Daddy grinned.
"That's fine, bitch. But you owe me another 20 hours."
"LYNN! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, YOU BASTARD!?" Lori screamed, her anger threatening to overtake her rationality.
"The same thing I'm gonna do to you future hoes." Gold Daddy said, summoning gold chains and collars that attached themselves around the Sisters' necks, including the underage.
"Hmm...wasn't going for the smaller ones." Gold Daddy rubbed his chin, before shrugging. "Eh, what the hell, I'm sure I can find some clients that wanna cop a feel on those flat asses of yours."
"DADDY!" Lincoln roared, still pinned under the cabinet, his hand stretched out towards Gold Daddy, as if Lincoln reached out far enough, he could wrap his hands around Gold Daddy's throat.
"GOD!" Gold Daddy Link groaned as he reached into his zoot suit and pulled out a gold plated Glock. "JUST DIE!"
BANG!
Lincoln's head fell to the ground, his hand falling limp. Gold Daddy Link didn't mind as the sisters began to tug against their chains, the outstretched hands and pained cries not reaching Lincoln as they all disappeared into the portal before it closed. For a moment, all was quiet before Lynn Sr. rushed over, distraught over what had just happened, especially the fact that the only screentime he got during the whole thing was for a grammar joke.
"LINCOLN! LINCOLN!"
"...yeah?" Lynn Sr. blinked, Lincoln's voice was faint.
"Lincoln, you're alive!" Lynn cried out in joy.
"Must have grazed me. That's great, considering my back is broken. But forgot that, that bastard took them!"
"Lincoln, you're in no condition to fight!" "SCREW THAT! I HAVE TO GO, THEY NEED ME!"
Lynn stared into Lincoln's eyes, seeing the fire in his eyes despite his broken flesh. With that, Lynn Sr. made his decision.
"Son, I think it's time you inherited what has been passed down from father to son in our family generations." With that, he pulled out a pendant with kanji on it.
"The kanji means 'never give up', Lincoln. Take it, and achieve your power."
Lincoln grabbed it, and was immediately transported to a starry space, floating in the middle.
"Wha- Where am I?"
"YO."
In a flash of lightning, three giant figures appeared before him, titans compared to his ant-sized body. One was blonde, wore an orange-jumpsuit, and had three lines on his cheeks that resembled whiskers. The second one wore a black robe, had a wand in his hand, and a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. The third one had red hair, wore a long sleeved shirt and jeans, and held a bow in his hand, while two chinese curved swords, one white and one black, were strapped to his hips.
"YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN, LINCOLN LOUD."
"GREAT EVIL HAS SWEPT THROUGH THE WORLDS, AND ONE MUST STAND UP TO OPPOSE IT."
"THROUGH YOUR LOVE AND SPIRIT, YOU WILL BE GRANTED POWER TO FIGHT AGAINST THIS DARKNESS AND RESTORE BALANCE ONCE MORE."
The three's eyes glowed before shooting lasers at Lincoln. Lincoln silently screamed as unimaginable pain flowed through him, like he spontaneously got kicked in the nads 100 times by the spikiest cleats. Falling to the ground, his body black from the lasers, shadows covered him. Looking up through blurry eyes, he could see a group of women with mallets looming over him.
"What are you going to do with those mallets?" Lincoln asked.
One of the women responded by smacking him in the face with hers. Like a signal to a pack of sharks, the women swarmed him, smashing every inch of his body with their mallets. Above him, the three empowered the mallets with their power.
It felt like neverending pain, a waterfall of torture, until it stopped. Lincoln could still feel the mallets, but they had stopped hurting. If anything, he felt like he was getting Stronger, Faster, Smarter, Legal-er (whatever that last one mean).
Finally, all the women raised their mallets in the air, before all smashed into him at the same time.
An explosion, before the dust settled to reveal the new Lincoln. Bulging muscles, a six pack, luxurious hair that went down to his shoulders, perfect teeth, and an impressive package that rivaled even the pimps.
"YOUR BODY HAS BEEN REFORGED FROM THE RIGHTEOUS ENERGY WITHIN YOURSELF."
"YOU POSSESS BOTH POWER AND KNOWLEDGE TO FIGHT THIS GREAT EVIL."
"BUT BE WARNED, THIS EVIL POSSESSES CORRUPT POWER AS EQUAL AS YOUR OWN. TRUST NOT IN YOUR POWER, BUT YOUR HEART."
Lincoln merely nodded, before flexing his fingers. Stabbing into the open air, his fingers found purchase. Pulling the air apart, he tore a portal in the dimensions before jumping forward. A moment later, the portal closed. The three stood in silence before the red haired one spoke up.
"Was the teeth really necessary?"
"It was. Like anyone wants to date a guy with buckteeth."
"What does that have to do with saving the worlds, or even saving lives?"
"By the way, why are you even here? The number of people that write about your series is way less that ours."
"Well, I'd rather have a few writers that can write me in-character than a million that just make self-inserts then slap my name on them."
"Oh you did not just go there…"
Meanwhile, Gold Daddy Link was preparing his new hoes for their new clothes in the courtyard of his gold plated mansion, patrolled 24/7 by the Royal Woods Police Department. Normal clothes were exchanged for fishnets and bikinis. Lori tried her best to comfort Lola and Lana at the same time she tried adjusting her own slutty outfits. Looking around her, she could see alternative versions of herself and her sisters, their empty eyes staring at her.
Looking over to her side, she could see Lucy, Lynn, Luan, Luna, and Leni all hugging Gold Daddy Link's legs. They all tried to resist Gold Daddy, and Gold Daddy changed them into dick-sucking slaves. Finally, Gold Daddy turned to Lori and the rest of the sisters, who cowered before him.
"So, are we gonna do this the easy way, or does a daddy hafta smack a bitch?"
"GOLD DADDY!" A police officer shouted, running in.
"What? Did I say you can interrupt 'breaking' time? Da hell do you want?"
"SIR, HE'S KICKING ALL OUR ASSES AND TAKING ALL OUR NAMES, AND HE'S GOING TO BE HERE IN-"
Whatever he said was lost as the entire wall exploded behind him, sending him flying into the stratosphere, until he disappeared in a glint of light. Everyone turned to face the new figure that stepped out into the courtyard. Lori and the rest of the sisters that hadn't been brainwashed starting blushing at the handsomeness of the person, before Lori managed to recognize him.
"Lincoln?" she whispered, a quiet hope erupting in her heart, and making her nipples slightly stiffen.
"Lori! Guys!" Lincoln waved. "Don't worry! I'm coming to get you!"
"LINCOLN!" Lori and the rest of the sisters started to get earnestly, while Gold Daddy growled.
"OH DA'S BULLSHIT! I KILLED YOU! I KILLED YOU DEAD!"
"What can I say?" Lincoln smirked. "Guess I don't die when I'm killed."
"WELL THEN. HOES, KILL DA GAY ASS NIGGA!"
With that, the whores started to run at Lincoln, the brainwashed sisters at the vanguard. Lori and the others cried for them to stop, yet they didn't hear. Lincoln didn't move, merely walking forward, raising one hand and tensing his legs.
Then he POSED!
The sheer manly fabulousness cleansed all those within a hundred million miles of True Respect and Understanding, and filled them instead with the Power of Spirit and Passion. Gold Daddy Link merely gasped as he felt his power and influence practically drop like a rock. All of Gold Daddy's former hoes looked around confused, except for Lincoln's sisters who cried as they hugged him, and discretely feel his muscles.
The pimp could only tremble for he recognized the power that Lincoln wielded.
"W-What the hell, I thought they were just legends...But one's here...A harem protagonist..."
"Give up, Gold Daddy. You're done." Lincoln said, staring at the now powerless pimp.
"IMMA KILL YA NIGGA!" Gold Daddy screamed as he charged at Lincoln, trying to slap Lincoln.
Lincoln didn't throw a punch, just dodging or redirecting the slaps, while Gold Daddy growled and tried harder. As the 'fight' lasted longer, everyone was confused. Lincoln could have ended the fight a thousand times over, yet why hadn't he?
Finally, Lincoln caught both of Gold Daddy's hands and stared evenly at him.
"So...all this haven't made you happy?"
"WHAT, THE HELL YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
"Fighting you for these past few minutes has given me insight into your thoughts. Truth is, none of this has made you happy, not in a long time. So why do you continue chasing these things?"
Gold Daddy stared at him, before removing his hat and glasses.
"When I first became a pimp, I was happy. I got respect, I got understanding, i had power. The world was my bitch and I could make it suck my dick. It was great, so I guess… I got bored of it all. Money? Just green pieces of paper? Women? Just a bunch of fake ASS bitches with implants. Gold? Just shiny yellow rocks. So you know what? Go ahead. Kill me, I'm tired of this world, all gilded with no soul."
"Very well." Lincoln said, before clenching his fist, making it glow red.
"THIS HAND OF MINE IS BURNING RED! IT TELLS ME TO GRASP ME VICTORY! TAKE THIS: SUPER-MEGA-ULTRA-NIGHTMARE-CRUSHING-HEAVEN-SMASHING-HELL-RAISING-PORTOBELLO-MUSHROOM-BURNING-SHINING-SJW-LOVING-DUPER-OMEGA-DREAM-SEEKING-MAN-THIS-ATTACK-NAME-IS-REALLY-LONG-NOTE-TO-SELF-SHORTEN-ATTACK-NAMES-ROARING!"
As Lincoln said each name, the glow of his hand grew until it was like the sun and Gold Daddy's dick practically shrunk until it became an innie.
"Actually, can I still surrender?"
"PAWNCH!"
With that, Lincoln's fist smashed into Gold Daddy's cheek with the force of a space shuttle going sonic boom. Gold Daddy was sent flying, practically reduced to a flying pile of sand, smashing through the dimensions and a few unfortunate bystanders before smashing into a familiar lowrider, turning it into a fireball.
The only thing that survived was the fuzzy dice.
Meanwhile, Lincoln eased a breath as the glow around his fist slowly died, the surrounding area seemingly booming to life with cherry blossoms. All around the world, people felt the aftershock of Lincoln's attack. Boob sizes everywhere increased by two cups, dick lengths grew by six inches, new laws that allowed 13 - 17 years to have sex with other 13 - 17 years were railroaded through their respective governments, and the culinary definition for a Jelly Doughnut became 'a ball of rice with jelly in the center.
Knowing that he still had a mission to perform, Lincoln nonetheless smiled back at his sisters.
"Let's go home, guys."
"I see you did a good job, son." "Yes, I'm so proud of you." The group stopped to stare as their father and a transparent version of their mother appeared before them.
"MOM! DAD! You're alright?! How?!" Lincoln exclaimed.
"Well," Rita rubbed her chin. "Turns out that I'm actually half-ghost from my mother's side of the family."
"Wicked."
"Yep, though that doesn't explain your white hair, Lincoln."
"Huh?"
"Son, I have to confess: we adopted you. Meaning you are actually not blood related to your sisters."
Lincoln blinked. "Was this seriously the time to tell me that?"
His father shrugged. "When would it be?"
"It's okay, Linky." Leni said, happy to actually get a line in this fic. "We all still love you, emotionally...andifyouaskphysically."
The rest of the sisters vocally agreed, especially that last part.
"Aww, thanks guys."
"Umm...excuse me?" One of the ex-hoes spoke up. "We still kinda need a ride back."
The family ignored her.
"Still, I do have a duty. I have to go, and defeat these pimps that are invading our worlds and stealing the girls." Lincoln said solemnly as he hugged each sister, each of whom had their hands dangerously close to his waistband.
"So watch yourselves, pimps. These girls are not for sale. So says I…"
BURNING FIST LINK-KUN FIGHTS FOR HIS FRIENDS!
Why did I spend so much time and effort on this joke? Seriously, I could have worked on 'Brave and the Loud' with how much work I was putting into this. We all know that Flagg probably gonna kill him off.