Hey, its been a while hasn't it…I haven't been inspired for a while so that could explain my lack of writing anything. This is AU because Edward sadly never comes back in New moon even though I think he should…(still like jake though) but please read review and enjoy
This is hell. Forget death, this is living death. How could I possibly have believed I would be strong enough for this kind of separation? Telling Bella it would be like I never existed might have made her forget me, but there is nothing in the world that can erase her so easily from my mind. I've been running for three months trying to obliterate the visions of her dancing in my weak brain. Now I find myself in the middle of Alaska, wonderfully cold just how I like it.
But even the sharp thrill of the air does not enthrall my broken system the way it once had. All I can see is her face, almost like she was standing there in front of me. Her hair, a touch, a smell, I could never have forgotten, falls naturally around her face. Her eyes, a vision of brown, I could never have wiped away, stare deeply into my own feeble black ones. Her smile, an expression of purity I could never have destroyed brightens as she looks at me.
Suddenly I have a strong, unnatural, desire to reach up and touch her face. My fingers are begging my mind to commit this bizarre thought into real action. The gears in my ancient brain attempt the impossible, to explain to my aching fingers that the beauty before me is nothing but a ghost. But my fingers, those rash instruments of torture and love, ignore the warnings of its superiors and reach out to Bella. But when they try to feel her soft face, they grasp and nothing but air. When they try to cradle devilishly around the locks of her hair, they find emptiness as their only blanket.
In anger, in hatred, my fingers descend to my side. I am wrapped around by my own loneliness. All the human emotions in me that still claim some ground in my vampire exterior, long to cry out in agony. Tears, greater and stronger than watery human ones, stream madly down my soul. Unlike the salty droplets, which pour out of mortal eyes, mine are bitter gashes tasting of fire and anguish. I sink to the floor of my room silently and gaze intently at the floor. The word "coward," is sprawled across the wooden floor.
I know it is not real.
Nothing seems to be real anymore, but yet I can see it with such clarity. Am I a coward? Was I too afraid to show her that love was stronger than the forces breaking us apart? This is insanity, I know, weren't there numbers of logical reasons why I left her? Still staring at the ground, as a mourner stands above a grave, I try to remember my reasons for leaving.
My kind walks with weary souls upon an unwelcoming earth. Death, that brooding Poe of a creature, longs to bring us down to the welcoming mat of damned. Life, that childlike creature, longs to revive us to our full human selves. Yet neither claims a strong hold on us. We long for blood we are taught never to drink therefore our thirst is never quenched. Eternal hunger. So we attempt to glue on the wings of an angel behind our backs. The good on earth are rewarded in Paradise. Does that include those on earth who should have been dead long ago? Could that include murderers? Is it even possible for my kind to find peace?
It was for these reasons why I ran from Bella. But why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel so much pain for doing the right thing? For taking the proper path? Can't this ache just go away? My God I cannot take it! I love her. I love her without any comprehension and without any thought to the contrary. But she is safer without a family of vampires greedily looking at her like their next meal is on the table. She is safer without worrying whether she'll survive the trip to her boyfriend's house. She is safer without me.
Wait. What did I just say? She…is…safer…without…me? That doesn't even sound real. Safer? Is that really what I just said? For three months, I let myself believe this lie. But now…it means nothing to me anymore. I begin to stand up now, very slowly but surely I arise again. Now I am pacing madly back and forth in the room without a bed. Two sections of my brain are now battling furiously.
One side implores me to go back to her. This minute. Immediately. If I started running now I could get there in a couple of days…Stop! This is craziness talking! Remember what happened last time she came over Edward! She started bleeding and Jasper…recall what he tried to do. But I love her! That should be stronger than all the blood and all the vampires walking around with fiery eyes.
But I can't! It can't be possible that we could stay together. It is impossible for a mortal and an immortal to find happiness together. Especially an immortal like me. I belong with her, she awakens the mortal in me, and she completes my broken and torn soul. I would die for her…kill for her…anything for her. Yet why can I not just go back to her? If I would do all and everything for her, why can I not do the one thing that I want most of all? Damn my soul!
I press my head against the wall of the room in aggravation. Slowly I close my eyes and I see her face again. She smiles at me and blushes that red glow that I've always loved. But now suddenly her face is changing. She starts crying, rivers seem to flow from her small lovely eyes. God I want to tell her everything will be all right. I want to hold her in my arms and feel her warmth and whisper in her ear.
"I love you," I whisper bitterly to the girl behind my mind's eye. "I have always loved you Bella, and I'll love you forever." There I've said it aloud. For the first time in three months I have said my feelings aloud. I can hear their truth as they resound in my age-old eardrums. I am an emotional vampire. I have lusted for the blood of a stranger. I have loved and saved my beloved. And, being an emotional vampire, I cannot ignore the all too true feelings in my being.
I open my eyes and remove my head from its position against the wall. I walk to the window and open it. A cold breeze greets me and with it, a newfound plan. Quickly I set myself into a crouch and carefully jump from the window out into the snowy tundra of Alaska. But I am not staying for long. In fact, I am leaving now.
With eyes full of determination and a soul longing to be returned to his soul mate I break out into a run. Freely moving and swiftly turning I float, almost fly, past cities, towns, and ice covered waters. I hear nothing from those around me but my own thoughts. And my thoughts are sporadically arguing with one another. The logical side of my brain is still fighting for a voice, but I am not ruled by that part right now. Now I run because of emotions. I run because of feelings shut out for too long. I run for a love I am no longer afraid to show.
Hold on a minute. I stop my running and listen to that statement I just made. I run for a love, that part seems good. Then there's the, no longer afraid to show, part that has me troubled. Suddenly I clutch at the string around my neck. I feel the diamond ring against my finger. My mother's wedding ring, which I wear always. Proposing to Bella? Really? Yet as I let the taste of the thought swirl around in my head it sounds better and better.
If I'm going to go back to her, I might as well marry her while I'm at it. Sure, bring on the bells and the cake; I am going to marry her. I will marry Bella. Then I begin running again, a purpose fills my mind. Pricks of happiness and hope start entering the darkness that had previously clouded and enclosed my brain. Soon I am out of Alaska entirely, only one more barrier till I see her again. Canada is nothing, and then I see her again. Then I am in Seattle. Then I am with Bella.