It began one sunny May afternoon when Sally and Evie were having cocktails at the Malfoy Manor. Actually, Evie was having a cocktail. Sally was guzzling rum like the pirate she was.
"What are those two doing here, Draco?" asked Lucius as he swept into the room.
Draco looked at the two girls sitting on either side of him.
"Drinking our alcohol," he said. "How they got here or why, I
don't know."
Lucius sighed. "Never mind, then. There is
something about the two of us that
you need to know."
"You serve Lord Voldemort?"
Lucius sighed again, irritably, and put his face in his hands.
"Now I'm really glad to tell you that I'm not your father."
Sally, Evie, and Draco gasped.
"What the Fuzzle?" asked Draco. "Who is my real father?"
Lucius shrugged. "Dunno. He went back to the eighteenth century."
"This looks like a job for…." Said Evie.
"SALLY AND EVIE," said Sally, "PIRATICAL FANGIRLS EXTROARDINAIRRE!"
"Come, Draco," said Evie as the two girls grabbed the confused wuss's arms. "We shall find your father and eat victory cake afterwards and have victory inky tea with what's-his-hottie-face and the one dur-dur-dur."
With that said a loud pop filled the room. Mundungus Fletcher stood in the corner, filling the room with his putrid smell.
"It sounds like you three could use a Time Turner X-TREME!!!" He said, holding a purple sparkly hourglass up. His eyes grew wide as he held up the tiny trinket.
"Time Turner X-TREME?" Sally stared at the thief holding the object. "You HAVE to be kidding me."
Dung shook his head. "'S no joke girlie, tis 'ittle baby will take ya all the way back to de eighteent centry…." He nodded to show his absolute untrustworthy certainty.
Evie stood and reached for the time turner. "Well, it sounds more plausible then the beating heart of Davy Jones, so, I'll take it!"
"Da'll be 15 galleons, I'll reckon…"
"15 GALLEONS!!!!! You bloody rip off. We'll take it!" Sally threw the money at him and looked at the time turner in Evie's hand. She ripped the trinket out of Evie's grasp and shook it wildly while screaming at the top of her very high soprano lungs. "TAKE US TO DRACO'S FAHHHZAAHHH!!!"
There was a giant flash that reflected off the scared and stunned faces of the other people in the room by Sally's sudden outburst. When they could see normally again, they realized that they were now in a tent. A man was looking over maps on a table when he turned around and stared in shock. "Oh shit……" He rolled his eyes, groaning. "He told you???"
"Apparently…" Said the tool, standing next to him.
Sally reached over and shoved Evie's jaw closed and held onto the back of her shirt. "Help!" Draco came over and grabbed a hold of Evie who was attempting to charge at the Colonel, fainting in the process.
The now limp Evie, lay strewn across the floor in result of Sally and Draco dropping her after her swoon. Tavington stood and walked over to the unconscious being on his speck of dirt that happened to be under his tent. He prodded her with the toe of his boot exclaiming, "What is this?" He looked to the others. "What are they?" He took note of Draco's attire. "What are you wearing?" He looked back at the tool. "Is this a dream or has my illegitimate son from the 21st century really come to remind me of that nasty case of crabs that resulted from his conception?"
The tool contemplated this for a moment and then answered all of the Colonel's questions with one simple answer. "Apparently he has sir."
Just then, a man by the name of Brad popped his head into the tent and said, "YES!"
"What the fuzzle?" Draco and Tavington said simultaneously.
"THREE COINS!" Evie sat up sharply and pointed straight at Brad. "NOW!"
Brad groaned and ran from the tent to avoid reciting the god-forsaken poem.
"NOOO!!" Evie jumped up screaming, and ran after the pudge-like-tromboner. Sally rolled her eyes watching them run off. "Oh yeah, and they would be Brad and Evie. My mental case friends whose issues have issues and myspace pages. Oh and Evie's boobs can deflect curses!" Sally smiled politely and sat down in Tavington's chair.
"Really?" Draco said, wide-eyed. "Where can I get some?" He coughed. "I mean, can I try?"
Sally suppressed a laugh and that is when Tavington decided it was the time to ultimately get rid of his kid. Sally placed a hand on Draco's shoulder and shook her head. "Draco, Draco, Draco, you can't and well, by all means."
Draco frowned as Tavington smiled unpleasantly.
"Sally, retrieve your strange friends. We're going to go for a little ride."
Sally eventually found Evie and Brad, having what was possibly the lamest excuse for a fistfight ever. She rolled her eyes and beckoned.
"Come on, we're going to… uh… Candy Mountain."
Evie grinned. "Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain, Brad! It's a land of wonder, and joy, and joyness!"
The two of them followed Sally to the tent. On the way, Evie turned to Brad.
"Uh, why are you here and where did you get the Dragoon uniform?"
"Forty-two."
"Fuck you, Brad."
"I believe Mark Burns already had the privelige."
"WHAT?"
Sally turned around.
"Brad, you really need to phrase your comebacks better."
Brad and Evie contemplated this thought all the way back to the tent. When they got back, Tavington had horses ready outside.
"Get on," he said.
They rode to a large plantation house a little while away. A bunch of inbred children were running around in front. The oldest one, who actually appeared to have not come from some serious brotherly love, was sitting on the porch, looking like his younger brother had been shot for no reason.
Sally, who was looking rather dazedly around set eyes on a rather stump-like man hovering over the bleeding corpse of a small child, caught sight of the dreamy un-incest bred teenage boy and began drooling and mumbling incoherently about something relating to a bed and tea.
"MOURN, STUMPY, MOURN!" yelled Evie who was riding suspiciously close to Tavington.
"Stumpy?" Tavington stared at Evie with a smile of pleasure but a look of WTF flavored jellybeans.
She nodded. "Yes, Stumpy."
"Hmm, I rather like the sound of that." He looked towards the stumpy man and smirked.
"IN BED!" The two words were yelled rather obnoxiously from the pudgy one a few horses back.
Sally hit him from her own horse and contained her laughter.
Tavington climbed off the rather large animal and walked over to the one now officially known as Stumpy.
The others followed in suit and walked with him.
"Afternoon, Stumpy." Tavington gave Stumpy a second to reply, but Ben Martin was so overcome with grief and bad nicknames to reply to such a comment.
Tavington grabbed Draco by the collar of his cloak and threw him at Stumpy. "Sorry for killing your kid, here, have mine."
Draco landed with a hollow thud in Stumpy's lap. "BUT DAD!! I don't wanna live with a stump and his incestual spawn."
"Quiet Draco, you are no son of mine."
Draco whimpered and hugged Stumpy. "Will you love me?"
"ADOPT, STUMPY, ADOPT!" Yelled Evie from behind Brad.
Sally broke her subconscious stare at the non-inbred boy and stared at Evie. "WHAT THE BACON FLAVORED JELLYBEANS WAS THAT!?"
Evie shrugged in response and looked to Stumpy for his answer.
"Uhhh… Bacon flavored Jellybean?" Stumpy said looking between Tavington, Evie and Draco.
"I'll take that as a yes. Come everyone, we're leaving." Tavington smiled as he turned and walked away from the Stump and his former child.
He hopped into the saddle, waiting for the others. "Come, scary people, Sally and Evie. We celebrate. Evie, allow me to be your escort?"
Evie's answer was yet another swoon and a thud from her falling from the horse. Sally groaned. "That means yes."
She turned back and stared at the hottie-hot-hottie and saw a girl with black teeth now accompanying him on the porch of the House Of Stumpy. She sighed and frowned, looking away from the Stump house.
Brad on the other hand, couldn't take his eyes off the house considering there was now a rather fine piece of evidence that the world of women existed in the 18th century. He quickly ran toward the pair and put his arm around Anne. "How you doin?"
Anne smiled and slowly moved out of his arm. "Quite alright, thank you sir."
Sally watches hopelessly from her horse, singing quietly to herself. "Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend…."
Turns out she wasn't as quiet as she thought. "Bloody hell are you singing about?"
Tavington was now next to her, staring awkwardly at her as she leaned over the horse's head, sighing pitifully to herself.
"Ahh, nothing." She sat up and looked away from Stumpy's non-inbred, inbred wannabe.
The awkward moment between Sally and Tavington was broken by a rather joyful Brad skipping merrily back to his horse. "I just asked out that raving beauty with rather bad teeth and she's going with me to Tavington's dance tonight!" He said 'yes' while doing the motion of 'yes'. "Giggety, Giggety… GOO!"
"Wow, umm, Brad you might want to save the insanity until after you are out of earshot and viewing range or else she might change her mind." Sally snorted with laughter as the hottie-hot-hottie non-inbred-wannabe came over to her horse and she instantly regretted the snort that erupted from her just seconds before.
"Uhhh, hi. I was kind of wondering if maybe you would care to join me to the bondage" twitch "I mean dance that is an on-going tonight at the whereabouts are you staying with the Colonel at the possible bondage" twitch "I mean fort in which this bondage" twitch "dance might occur."
Sally stared at him with a look of complete and utter insanity. "WTF flavored Jellybeans was that?"
"NOT THE JELLYBEAN AGAIN!!" Tavington yelled from behind them.
"WANNA GO DANCE WITH ME!" he yelled.
"With you? Uhhh, sure. Do you have turret's?" Sally leaned back quite a bit from the hottie-hot-hottie.
"I'm Gabriebondage" twitch "I mean Gabriel, I'm Gabriel."
"Right, hi Gabriebondage" twitch "I mean Gabriel. I'm Sally. Just Sally." Evie, now slowly awaking from her stupor, started laughing hysterically as the two continued their bondage 'twitch' conversation.
"Can we all gather our respective escorts and go back to camp?" asked Tavington irritably.
Eventually, they all arrived back at the Dragoons' camp. Sally turned to Evie.
"We kind of have nothing to wear to this dance, and my date seems to say 'bondage' compulsively. I would call us fucked."
"Actually," said Brad, sauntering to the two girls with a yellow dress and a red dress in his arms, "I just un-fucked you both."
"Well, thank you. It was wonderful," said Evie. "Now tell us how in the name of Merlin's Most Baggy Y-Fronts you got Scarlett's and Giselle's dresses?"
"Because they weren't wearing them, of course."
Sally and Evie wisely closed their mouths and went into a tent to change into the dresses. Unfortunately, this involved getting Evie's unnaturally large bosom into a corset. She valiantly resisted the urge to scream as the medieval torture device was tightened around her pudginess.
After about half an hour, Sally and Evie exited the tent and met their dates, who were glowering evilly at each other in the middle of the camp near a horse-drawn carriage.
"Why are you two dressed like whores?" said Tavington.
Evie rolled her eyes. "It's this or naked time. Take your pick."
Tavington thought about this for a little longer than was right before shrugging.
"I suppose this will suffice," he said, offering Evie his arm as Gabriel escorted Sally to the carriage, where Brad and Anne were already waiting. Evie took said arm and got in with her date.
The carriage ride over to the random manor of dancitude was awkward, to say the least. Everyone was glad to step out of the awkwardness and onto the mosquito-infested lawn where the party was to be held. A frilly waltz started playing and Sally raised her eyebrows at Evie.
"Let's go bring sexy back." She said, leading Gabriel onto the dance floor. Evie and Tavington followed. That was when Evie realized that she didn't know how to dance. At all. Neither did Sally. They managed to hide this, however, somehow not stepping on the feet of their dates. Eventually they all got tired of dancing.
Evie and Tavington stood off to the side, flirting and steadily heading down the road to being completely clobbered. Evie startled when a very familiar-looking man in shabby brown wizard's robes tapped her on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, miss, but would you happen to know the whereabouts of Draco Malfoy?"
Evie turned around and came face to freaky eye with Mad-eye Moody, dark wizard catcher and ex-professor at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
"MOODY?" Evie exclaimed rather loudly at the top of her lungs.
With this, Sally and Brad turned around and yelled too. "TONKS! LUPIN!" They all gathered around the group of aurors and members of the Order of the Phoenix.
"Who are these people and why do they know us?" Tonks said scooting closer toward Remus Lupin.
"Of course we know you! You're some of the best characters ever! What are you doing here?" Sally said dancing around the group in her Scarlett or Giselle dress; she wasn't sure of which one she was wearing.
"We're looking for Draco Malfoy. Seen him anywhere?" Moody repeated.
"Yeah, we brought him here. We actually like to call him Draco the Stumpy inbreed now." Brad laughed and kept his arm tight around Anne in the group of people, keeping a watchful eye on Gabriel.
"Right, can you just tell us where he may be so that we can take him back before his mother comes after him." Moody rolled his creepy eye and looked at the group.
"HIS MOTHER?" Everyone turned and saw a rather scared looking Tavington that looked like he was about to piss his pants.
"Yes, Narcissa would like her son back even if Lucius doesn't." Tonks added.
"Narcissa. Come. Here. Get. Son. Must. Get. Draco. Must. Go. Now." Tavington stared wide-eyed at the group of aurors, thinking of how he is going to die.
"Uhhh, right. Now, anyone want to tell us where the boy might be? Anyone at all?" came a voice from the back.
Sally looked to see where the voice came from and almost fainted in delight. "H…haa….haaaa….hhaaarrr….haarrrrreeeee. HARRY POTTER!!!" Now she did faint. She fainted right onto the feet of Gabrielbondage 'twitch'. He just stared at her and left her there.
Harry Potter emerged from the back of the group, his lightning bolt scar on his forehead illuminated in the somewhat lit area. "She ok?"
"Yeah, she's fine. Draco's that way." Evie waved a hand at the unconscious Harry Potter Fangirl and pointed toward Stumpytown. "But if you're entering Stumpytown, you have to shake that stumpy now."
Hearing those words come out of Evie's mouth, Sally sat straight up. "HEY! That's my line!"
"Oh shh! You're passed out!" Evie waved her away again.
Sally groaned and went back to lying on the ground.
"Sure, now where is he? Stump… Draco?"
"About 5 miles that way. You'll never find it in the dark, so wait until tomorrow and we'll take you." Evie offered with a smile.
"Right then, its settled. We'll make camp here and go tomorrow. Cissy won't come until Friday so we have two days, we'll be fine." Tonks looked around and sighed. "Well, lets set up the tent."
Moody reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny pack. With a wave of his wand the tent was up and tied down. "Right, everyone in. We are going to party."
"Right on!" Said Lupin.
"Wait party?" Harry looked confused as Sally sat up again. "What party?"
"Party." Sally said, containing the drool factor creeping up on her lower lip. "We're partying like its 1991 and the fact that we got rid of Draco, well Tavington is anyway. We're partying because we found Draco's real fathers."
"1991? Why 1991?"
"1991 was before your parents died." She smiled a bit.
"Oh, I rather like the sound of that." He walked into the tent and was followed by the group of aurors.
Tavington stared at the unusual group piling into the smallish tent. "The bloody bacon jellybean? How did they all fit?"
"Its MAGIC!" Evie giggled and walked into the tent after the wizards.
About five seconds later, she walked out, clearly traumatized. Tavington held out an arm to steady her and asked "What happened?"
"Moody… Naked time… Never want sex again…." She stammered.
"Evie? Not wanting sex?" said Sally, sounding shocked. "That's like Stumpy not wanting to make out with his sister!"
"I'm afraid I don't follow," said Tavington, now as confused as ever.
Brad sauntered over with Anne on his arm. "The words 'Evie' and 'Football Slut' are synonymous." He said.
The Tool pondered this for a second. "But, 'Football Slut' is two words."
Everyone stared at the Tool (otherwise known as Captain Bordon.) Everyone could hear Tonks snorting in laughter as she overheard the conversation. Tavington glared at Brad, one hand on his sword hilt.
"You have insulted Evie for the last time."
Evie wrapped her arms around Tavington's neck and made her please-don't-kill-the-pudge face at him.
"It's all right, really. 'Football Slut' is just another way of saying 'Good Flute Player' in our century."
Tavington sighed and put his sword back. "Very well."
The conversation was interrupted when Lupin and Tonks emerged, looking very eighteenth century. Evie glared.
"How did you get ahold of James' uniform?"
"Who's James?" asked Tavington.
"Never mind," said Evie. "But how did you get his uniform?"
"Tonks did, somehow," he said. Behind his back, Tonks made her eyes biggish, made her nose look like a radish was implanted into it, and make her hair dark red, so that she looked like Evie. Evie blushed.
"Oh, so that's how you got it," she said.
Tonks was wearing a dress that looked an awful lot like Elizabeth's. Evie decided not to ask how she got that one.
When everyone was out of the tent, Moody folded it back up and put it in his pocket.
"Now let's boogie."