"Riff, do you feel okay?" Riff and Cain were walking alongside each other in a fairly busy London street. They hadn't talked for some moments when Cain felt a need to break the silence. He felt extremely out of place, I mean, there were people! And the sun was out! And no-one was even trying to kill him! It was so alien.
"I feel fine my lord. Why do you ask?"
"Well, it's just… I feel this whole curse thing has gotten slightly out of hand."
"What makes you think that sir?" Replied the taller man looking towards his master, who was slightly behind him, as he walked, somehow still managing to dodge the crowded street. Cain noticed this, he suspected magic.
"Watch this." And with that Cain paused and turned towards a young lady walking down the street. She had dark hair and seemed to be more skirt than person; either that or she had very fat legs. Aside from physical appearance she had a sort of mysterious aura, then again it seemed almost every young woman had a mysterious aura these days. Cain made a mental note to find out where they sold them so he could get one for Mary.
"Excuse me miss!" Cain called after the mysterious dark haired woman.
Said woman turned round and gave a start "Why sir, are you addressing me?" she said pointing at herself as if what she had just said didn't give enough of a clue as to who she was talking about.
"Yes," Cain replied stepping towards her "I just wanted to say how marvellous your enormous skirt is." As he said this he touched her hand.
She got about halfway through saying 'The shopkeeper told me if was one of the largest skirts in England,' before a psychotic axe murderer brutally and tragically murdered her. It was with an axe you know.
"See Riff, I Only so much as touched her hand and she was tragically and brutally murdered with an axe." Cain had now let go of the corpses hand and was looking back at Riff.
"But sir that doesn't prove anything, it appeared to me that the man tripped on her skirt and accidentally hit her in the back with an axe. I mean, he probably only kept hitting her to make sure she wasn't paralysed in later life, seems a jolly kind thing to do if you ask me." Riff smiled.
"I suppose, Riff you can always reassure me. You're so great, you can make tea and stuff, hell I can't even tie shoelaces. You know-"
Riff opened his mouth to interject but found that since he was almost silent most the time and had said two rather long sentences a minute ago his voice box had shrivelled up and stopped working.
"You just looked like you were about to interject something Riff, I do hope your voice box hasn't shrivelled up due to sudden use or anything like that. That would be just terrible."
--
Later on Cain was at home. He was listening to the maids talking, not on purpose of course because that would be very bad. It's just; he had a habit of climbing on the linen drawer and curling up on one of the shelves. Doing this made him feel like a tortoise, he didn't know what a tortoise was but he liked feeling like one. Hearing the maids' gossip was simply a coincidental and unintended side effect on his part.
Cain had just put a sheet on his head and was starting to boogie down without any music what he accidentally overheard someone talking about him.
"Well I heard that the master and that butler of his were doing a bit of bish-bosh round the bedroom if you know what I mean." Came one voice.
"Oh really!" replied the other. "I know they's close as turnips but I didn't think he was that way inclined the old butler. To be honest he doesn't seem any way inclined ee's frigid as an owl is he."
"Is it that way?" came the first voice. "Well, I know he completely curtained some French bird but not to ave any anky-panky's a bit much, and It's like you said, they's as close as turnips, It'd take some trouserin' ter rip them apart."
Cain was thoroughly confused, something about cold owls and turnips. He made a mental note to get Riff to check if the birds had curtains. He also wanted to know where they were from, their accents were not normal.
The maids had passed now so he proceeded to remove the sheet from his head and clamber out from the cupboard. He momentarily missed the sensation of feeling like a tortoise but decided there were more pressing matters at hand. As he left he brushed past another maid who was promptly, brutally and tragically shot to death when she turned the next corner.
--
Cain found Riff rather quickly walking down the hall.
"Riff! Hi Riff I found you, were you looking for me? I bet you were, that's way you're out here. You look flustered, are you ill, I bet it's because you were worried about me, you were worried weren't you?"
Riff decided to roll with it and nodded his head. The truth was that he had been looking through his secret collection of magazines and was worried Cain might fire him if he found out. Seriously, those women were showing their ankles!
"You always say you can find me, I think you need to try harder, I was waiting for ages! That reminds me Riff, are the birds properly curtained?"
He's been in the linen cupboard again hasn't he?
They had been walking towards Cain's room since they bumped into each other and they now entered it through the wooden door which was actually surprisingly light, Cain supposed the makers of this manor house must have been stingy.
"The maids have been talking about us again Riff, something about turnips." Cain paused for a moment as if to think. "Well… screw the maids. Actually, do screw the maids, that would get them off our backs, Riff write that down."
Cain sat down in a rather comfortable looking chair. "You know, I bet in one hundred or so years people will completely underestimate what a predicament we would be in if we were to be found having a romantic relationship. I mean, we would get hung. Wouldn't it be romantic, I would confess my undying love and we would untrouser and whatnot then we would announce our love to the world and die together, or you could make a tragic rescue, that would be cool-"
This monologue was starting to make Riff feel uncomfortable especially as he noticed he never consented to any of it. To prevent any more discomfort he whisked out the emergency tea he kept in Cain's room. Cain drank some and then promptly fell asleep. Riff thanked the sleeping pill gods.
Once Cain had passed out Riff asked a maid to lay him on his bed and put his covers over him. His voice box had actually healed about half an hour previously; he just couldn't be bothered to deal with Cain.
That night the maid who saw to Cain was tragically and brutally killed to death with a light sabre.
The end!
--
Sugar is fun. I don't know what any of this is about; seriously, I think someone slipped me drugs.
Also I love the two maids, I was looking round my room to think of works for them to use. I have no idea where their accents are from, they were originally meant to be cockney but that kind of flew out of the window.